Are my expectations in how we split finances valid?

[Ru25]

Hi there,

Me and my partner are both divorced, been together nearly 6 years. We both have our own homes but are in very different financial circumstances. He owns his home now with no mortgage and also has another property with rental income. I have a large mortgage and high monthly payments. Our houses are worth about the same. The idea is to sell our houses and buy somewhere bigger that will house his two older kids and my younger child. However the sticking point is that he would just want to continue his financial situation, no mortgage and for me to continue with my current set up with my mortgage. Therefore live together and him have loads disposable income and me not have much at all...I'm not after his money but I feel like if we are building a life together we should be looking at finances as a team and working out how we could be more equal. He can ring fence whatever he puts in if anything was to go wrong but we should be looking to build a future together. His idea just feels like room mates and actually I;d be worse off due to the cost of moving/another stamp duty to pay etc...He would be living in a much nicer larger house for nothing...anyway interested in peoples thoughts on this as quite complicated/ Thanks

Tbh, I think there's an element of trolling in some. (I'm not saying it's the case in this particular thread). Of course, anyone can misread things occasionally, I do it myself sometimes in haste or whatever.

But I've seen ones that deliberately misinterpret posts - I think the object is to derail and change the direction of threads.

I wouldn't be up for this, you're worse off and he's better off in his plan. I'd question what kind of partner would happily do that to the other.

You are in total charge of your own life at the moment OP.

That's a precious thing, easy to lose, hard to get back.

Don’t buy a house with this man. He’d benefit from the new set up much more than you would.
He sounds like one of the men who look at relationships from a financially transactional perspective. But living with a partner is so much more than that: it’s companionship, support, nurturing, love, sex, having a family, creating a home together. You’ll be offering him all this while worrying about your finances? Sod this. Sorry but no man is worth it. Stay put and focus on your child and your finances and see him as a companion for good times and nice weekends. He’s not a partner material.

My bf earns more than me, but I like to feel like I pay my way, so we do share costs of dates etc - but it's much more organic and I definitely get the better end of it. Like if we're going away, he'll pay accommodation about 2 times out of three, and I'll buy lunch and he'll buy dinner. And if he's staying with me, we'll alternate buying food etc. I think being really strict about 50/50 is stingy and miserable.

God knows their are enough threads on MN of women who had great jobs, houses, support on hand, and gave it all up to put themselves and their children at the mercy of some selfish using arsehole.

How they bitterly regret how cavalier they were with their independence.
How stupid and foolish they know they were to ignore the huge billowing red flags in front of them.

What guilt they feel over ripping their children away from their secure safe happy home to a home where all those things are severly lacking.

How often they would give anything to be back where they were, independent and self determining in their own home.

NEVER underestimate the value of independence and self determination.

So many women lack it, renting with precarious work, and fluctuating finances.

You are a strong independent woman.
Do not give that up for this mean calculating arsehole who wants to use you.

So you both buy a house 50/50 he pays for his 1/2 outright you pay for your share using equity and mortgage
nether are getting a bad deal or being ripped off
the fact he owns a rental in nether here or there
tbh your both fools for jeopardising your future finical security and independence

She doesn’t want such a big nice house though. So her mortgage and bills will be for his benefit.

Exactly what pps said. This guy is bad, bad news. He's looking for an indentured servant/nurse with a purse.

I'm not a high earner (though I'm aiming to change that, it will only be doing work I hugely enjoy and which I see as creatively fulfilling).

My cost of living to income ratio is fine. I'm mainly frugal but can buy stuff if I want, I don't need a lot to keep me happy, I save and I'm grateful to have what I have.

I've been aggressively targeted by older men with children on higher incomes.

They fall in love with me very, very fast. They suggest blended lives very, very fast.

The stereotype is it's the physically attractive younger woman with less £££ on paper who is the "gold digger".

It's NOT.

These older men are targeting younger women as they see us as potential workhorses and cash cows who fund their children and retirements with our working years.

More money for their children as we'll also be nursing them when they get old and saving care costs.

Pps have it spot on when they say he's trying to trap you into being vulnerable/unable to detach so he can start putting the pressure on.

One older man I went on a few dates with started slipping up when he started getting angry and saying his children had opinions on whether or not I should work full time or get a graduate degree (we weren't living together of course).

He had a lot of assets on paper, he wanted my work to subsidise him.

Essentially he was factoring my income into his retirement plans and thought I'd be adding to his family income as "we" were a "team".

I'm soon to get my fancy graduate degree (debt free of course as I could tweak my work/finances to suit ME).

Much more fun than working in a dead end job to improve my "relationship" with a manipulative old guy and his kids.

Absolutely this ^

@ByProudBiscuit couldn’t agree more. The real gold diggers are older, financially stable men who look for kind hearted but in some way vulnerable women, who they then seduce into thinking that them, men, are the best thing since sliced bread and that those women should feel lucky to find such treasured partners. The ‚gold’ these men are getting is free access to attention, care, love, sex, companionship, nurturing, NEVERENDING emotional support because they inevitably turn into grumpy miserable old guys. These men want you to move in with them, but don’t offer marriage because they look after THEIR finances. And then, after years of looking after them, putting up with their bad moods, ill health, watching THEIR wealth grow even more while they are enjoying retirement and women are still working and contributing 50:50 (because they don’t want to be accused of being gold diggers!), these men die and their wealth is passed on to their children.

Women bring SO much more than men into relationships, we just don’t value ourselves enough. We get gaslighted by others and ourselves.
Time to get clever.

All of this. I am so glad that more and more women are waking up to this nonsense.

Time is much more precious than money. Money can be made. Time cannot be recouped. I see so many women literally making themselves ill trying to take care of everybody but themselves, while men still wang on about being “providers”.

Indeed. Women's emotional and unpaid labour has a huge value that scarcely anyone fully recognises and women, while realising that they feel stressed and worn out, are gaslighted into undervaluing and therefore selling themselves short.

Honestly I can see why he wants to keep finances separate when you both have kids .
He is cash rich so I’d suggest that he puts in a much larger deposit that he ring fences bringing down the balance and hence your mortgage.

it has been my experience that when people talk about wanting to be a full partner etc and how it’s not about the money etc but respect they are usually the poorer of the two .

No, he'd have a point maybe, if he wasn't the one pushing for the most expensive place possible.

But he wants to act as though they're pooling resources for the purposes of the budget for the property, yet isn't willing to actually pool resources, which would leave OP struggling to pay half.

Eg. If together let's say they have the buying power for a million pound house, cos he can afford £750K and she can afford £250K, that would be fine if he was willing to shoulder 3/4 of the costs. They could perhaps hold it in trust in unequal shares and ringfence their deposits.

But if he's determined that they must pay 50/50, then their budget for the house should be £500K tops, so OP can afford her half comfortably.

Great post.
So many women are sadly really gullible in their 30- early 50's.

Some don't half wise up as they age.
My single tennis and golfing friends know this.
Pushy solvent men so keen to hook up for a nurse with a purse.
Trying to wine and dine them but always saying they love home cooking best!

They can spot them a mile away.
So keen for them to move intoao and "hurt" when they are told "dinner and golf outings fine, merging lives of any type, absolutely not happening".

All are far too happy living independently in their little homes to be suckered into three meals a day and providing comforts for any man who thinks they are entitled to top level care for a pittance.

Wise up women.

This mean man is looking for a housekeeper in his bed paying towards an asset.
Increased utilities, insurance, maintenance, large food bills for hungry teens, who will likely be the coordinator of the house and kitchen etc...for a song.

He has already shown you he is mean and your low self esteem has accepted it.

It's been spelt out clearly to the OP.
If she is foolish enough to be used, well that is on her.
It will be her poor child who will pay the heavy price for a disrupted childhood.

@category12 they can easily be tenants in common with one owning a 75% share and the other 25% fairly easy to sort and means that the individual shares can be left to their respective children - so much better than joint tenants.

it is what they should do if move in together

I didn't suggest joint tenants - a declaration of trust & holding it in unequal shares does a similar job to tenants in common. Same restriction on the property.