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Original poster

Are my expectations in how we split finances valid?

243 replies

Ru25 · 31/05/2025 18:54

Hi there,

Me and my partner are both divorced, been together nearly 6 years. We both have our own homes but are in very different financial circumstances. He owns his home now with no mortgage and also has another property with rental income. I have a large mortgage and high monthly payments. Our houses are worth about the same. The idea is to sell our houses and buy somewhere bigger that will house his two older kids and my younger child. However the sticking point is that he would just want to continue his financial situation, no mortgage and for me to continue with my current set up with my mortgage. Therefore live together and him have loads disposable income and me not have much at all...I'm not after his money but I feel like if we are building a life together we should be looking at finances as a team and working out how we could be more equal. He can ring fence whatever he puts in if anything was to go wrong but we should be looking to build a future together. His idea just feels like room mates and actually I;d be worse off due to the cost of moving/another stamp duty to pay etc...He would be living in a much nicer larger house for nothing...anyway interested in peoples thoughts on this as quite complicated/ Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Ru25 · 31/05/2025 20:03

Tiswa · 31/05/2025 19:58

So he wants to basically take the money from his existing house and get a much bigger one than you want and expect you to cover it whilst still keeping his rental home?

he isn’t expecting ring fenced deposits and 50/50 is he?

yes

OP posts:
Original poster
Ru25 · 31/05/2025 20:05

Arseynal · 31/05/2025 19:59

I'm not after his money but I feel like if we are building a life together we should be looking at finances as a team

That is how people feel when they are child free 20 somethings with barely a pot to piss in. He’s in a team with his dc now and has spent 20 years thinking about their financial futures too. It’s just different when you are starting out and the kids are joint. My dc are the same stage in life as his and not a chance in hell would I be tying my finances up with anyone other than their dad. I may feel differently if I was in love but…
You are worse off living with him so the solution is to live apart. It sounds very messy. If he wants a stupidly expensive house then you can’t afford that. I suppose the “compromise” is a more affordable house - him 50% funded by his equity you 50% funded by equity in your old house plus mortgage with you new mortgage being less than your old one so you get a “nicer” house and more disposable income OR - more expensive house with an uneven split such as 30:70 then you get all the advantages of the expensive house without increasing your expenses. I think what’s not going to happen is him paying 50% via deposit from his equity and you paying eg 10% then both paying each 20% via a mortgage so ultimately his dc end up with 25% each of a house he paid 70% of and your dc gets 50% after you have paid 30%.
The bigger problem might come when he dies and you find yourself being turfed out but that’s a problem for another day.

Thanks, lots to think about. Cleaner just to stay as I am and i'd be better off.

OP posts:
Springtime43 · 31/05/2025 20:06

So the OP would be increasing her mortgage if she went for this proposal?

Nearly50omg · 31/05/2025 20:10

So he’s expecting you to fund 50% of a house that is in a more expensive area and you only need 1.5 bedrooms and he need 2.5 bedrooms but he will only pay 50% on??? Taking the piss! Mean stingie and financially abusive already!

Original poster
Ru25 · 31/05/2025 20:11

Springtime43 · 31/05/2025 20:06

So the OP would be increasing her mortgage if she went for this proposal?

I'd pay same mortgage but I'd have the costs of stamp duty, moving etc on top + bigger house likely bigger expenses, maintenance costs etc

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 31/05/2025 20:13

Ru25 · 31/05/2025 20:11

I'd pay same mortgage but I'd have the costs of stamp duty, moving etc on top + bigger house likely bigger expenses, maintenance costs etc

Show quote history

But…why? Why would you do this?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 31/05/2025 20:14

Nearly50omg · 31/05/2025 20:10

So he’s expecting you to fund 50% of a house that is in a more expensive area and you only need 1.5 bedrooms and he need 2.5 bedrooms but he will only pay 50% on??? Taking the piss! Mean stingie and financially abusive already!

It’s wild!

Foodoverload · 31/05/2025 20:15

I would be careful. Me and DP don’t move together and own our own homes. I am nearly mortgage free and he is not. He seems nearly double me, but house is worth more, His house is his inheritance to his grown daughter.

we want to buy a house together, but I want protection with my deposit and try and be mortgage free as quickly as possible. I also want protection if he dies and I am not removed from the house I funded.

we are seeking legal advice. Looks like we will protect our deposits. He will pay more towards mortgage and his daughter only gets her share when I die. I want to protect my money and roof over my head. We have both been through bad break ups to want to be sensible.

It’s not sexy chat, but needed. Seek advice

S0j0urn4r · 31/05/2025 20:15

I'd stay as you are and think hard about whether this relationship is for you.

2024onwardsandup · 31/05/2025 20:16

Ru25 · 31/05/2025 19:57

No because we will have more than double value house, so I'll be worse off as also need to pay stamp duty etc again...

Show quote history

Oh well that’s ridiculous then - he wants you to take on more debt so he can have a bigger house?

yeah throw him back he’s not the one

GenerousGardener · 31/05/2025 20:16

Don’t do it OP. Stay financially independent. Sail your own ship. Don’t tie yourself to this man.

Tiswa · 31/05/2025 20:17

Ru25 · 31/05/2025 20:03

yes

Show quote history

So he has his deposit and then you pay off the mortgage and he shares that as equity?

come on that is awful.

manysausages · 31/05/2025 20:17

How much are the houses you’re looking at? And how much of that is he suggesting you both put in?

if I’d fully paid off my mortgage and my house value covered my 50% of a new house, I’d think my partner was crackers for suggesting I take out a mortgage on the other 50%. Or was taking me for a mug.

Sofiewoo · 31/05/2025 20:18

I'm not after his money but I feel like if we are building a life together we should be looking at finances as a team and working out how we could be more equal.

Hard disagree.
You have been together for a relatively short period of time, he has a substantial asset and has 2 children to consider. He shouldn’t be pooling his assets with a partner to the detriment of this children.

Oriunda · 31/05/2025 20:18

Growlling · 31/05/2025 18:57

I would throw this one back @Ru25 he’s a mean arsehole.

If he was a woman, and OP a man, she'd be told to protect herself and her kids, and ring fence her money.

Tiswa · 31/05/2025 20:19

Ru25 · 31/05/2025 20:11

I'd pay same mortgage but I'd have the costs of stamp duty, moving etc on top + bigger house likely bigger expenses, maintenance costs etc

Show quote history

And 50% loss of the equity build up because that is what he is asking for.

you lose so much from this and he simply doesn’t care

have you gotten financial/legal advice that sets out what he would be taking from you

myplace · 31/05/2025 20:19

He’s moving you into a worse off position, and himself into a better off position.

Fundamentally that’s awful.

Tiswa · 31/05/2025 20:20

Oriunda · 31/05/2025 20:18

If he was a woman, and OP a man, she'd be told to protect herself and her kids, and ring fence her money.

Show quote history

Yes and he should ring fence his deposit as should she. This isn’t the issue. Whst is is his refusal to pay or be on a mortgage yet be joint owners

anything remaining should be shared as a joint mortgage because otherwise he is earning money from her.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/05/2025 20:21

Don’t do it.

He’s made it clear he is selfish. Things are likely to get worse once you live together. Have you discussed how bills and chores will be split in this house of his choosing that is far beyond your requirements?

Also bear in mind that if you are not married then the process to split is very different if you were to break up.

mrsm43s · 31/05/2025 20:21

Ru25 · 31/05/2025 19:26

I'd be happy for us both to put in our deposits, ring fence them, and then split the mortgage. He gets his % out that he;s put in and I mine....

Show quote history

So you want his assets to reduce your need for a mortgage, and your outhoings?

If he puts in 50% of the purchase price, he's paid his fair share for 50% ownership. Why should he also pay for your 50%?

Basically, you want him to subsidise you. You absolutely want to help yourself to the benefit of his money, stop pretending otherwise.

He should put his 50% in (and ringfence his mortgage free 50% ownership), you finance your 50% however you see fit.

yakkity · 31/05/2025 20:23

Growlling · 31/05/2025 18:57

I would throw this one back @Ru25 he’s a mean arsehole.

I don’t know. If things go wrong one person shouldn’t end up better off and the other worse off. That’s just stupid. Especially when both have dc.

if things go wrong it’s his dc that will lose out. Not just him.

Tiswa · 31/05/2025 20:25

mrsm43s · 31/05/2025 20:21

So you want his assets to reduce your need for a mortgage, and your outhoings?

If he puts in 50% of the purchase price, he's paid his fair share for 50% ownership. Why should he also pay for your 50%?

Basically, you want him to subsidise you. You absolutely want to help yourself to the benefit of his money, stop pretending otherwise.

He should put his 50% in (and ringfence his mortgage free 50% ownership), you finance your 50% however you see fit.

Show quote history

But I think they are ring fencing the deposits and owning the rest 50/50 so she pays the mortgage and he get it as equity

what is fair is they ring fence both the deposits and the split the rest as mortgage

Sofiewoo · 31/05/2025 20:25

Why would you pay the stamp duty though? Neither of you are first time buyers, it would be a shared costs, it’s got nothing to do with the mortgage. Same for expenses or repairs. Your repairs don’t cost more because you have a mortgage.

I would understand his view if the new house would be 50/50 but his “half” was the deposit and setting his purchase budget as something he can afford to pay from his savings/ equity. I wouldn’t be taking out a mortgage at that age to move to a bigger home with a partner and their child.

However none of the comments regarding you covering stamp duty etc make sense.

paranoiaofpufflings · 31/05/2025 20:25

This arrangement significantly advantages him (gets to live in a bigger house, still mortgage free), but significantly disadvantages you (takes on new mortgage for bigger property).

I just don’t see how it would work. You will be poorer and him richer. That’s not a lifestyle I would want for myself or my child.

If I were you I’d keep the living arrangements as they are. Why not wait until both your and his kids are older and leaving home, then reassess.

Dery · 31/05/2025 20:26

@Ru25 - you’re right to think this is unbalanced as your needs currently stand. As PPs have said, he currently needs housing for himself and 2 other young adults (who, even if they leave home for uni may boomerang back at least for a while) whereas you just need space for you and your young child, though of course they will grow to adult size.

And he wants to buy somewhere more expensive but he wants to split everything 50/50 which will mean you are bearing a disproportionate share of the costs.

I understand him wanting to preserve assets for his children but this doesn’t sound like a fair division to me. The relationships I know where costs have been split 50/50 irrespective of income have not been happy ones because the lower earner has eventually been ground down by the disparity.

And he sounds like someone who may be very insistent on picking up no expenses related to your DC and who may keep your child somewhat at arms’ length, which is tricky if they’re sharing a home for years and years.

This doesn’t sound like the right move for you.