Are my expectations in how we split finances valid?

[Ru25]

Hi there,

Me and my partner are both divorced, been together nearly 6 years. We both have our own homes but are in very different financial circumstances. He owns his home now with no mortgage and also has another property with rental income. I have a large mortgage and high monthly payments. Our houses are worth about the same. The idea is to sell our houses and buy somewhere bigger that will house his two older kids and my younger child. However the sticking point is that he would just want to continue his financial situation, no mortgage and for me to continue with my current set up with my mortgage. Therefore live together and him have loads disposable income and me not have much at all...I'm not after his money but I feel like if we are building a life together we should be looking at finances as a team and working out how we could be more equal. He can ring fence whatever he puts in if anything was to go wrong but we should be looking to build a future together. His idea just feels like room mates and actually I;d be worse off due to the cost of moving/another stamp duty to pay etc...He would be living in a much nicer larger house for nothing...anyway interested in peoples thoughts on this as quite complicated/ Thanks

I've read here numerous times of women in a similar position to you @Ru25 . New relationship looking to pool her assets with him, sells her house. A few years on she's sick of being the maid for him and his kids, despite the disparity in their incomes he expects her to pay 50% of a lifestyle he can afford but she can't and they haven't married. Sometimes she's also had another child with him and"they" decided it would make sense for her to be a SAHM to avoid costly nursery fees. She wants to leave but is financially trapped (even if they haven't had a child together). She's going to struggle to get a house for herself once they split as prices have risen greatly and after mortgage is paid out, her share of the equity isn't enough to get her a house similar to what she sold.

I'd say don't buy a house together. You need to protect your own child's future and retaining your own house is a very good way to do that.

To me it sounds like your partner is using YOUR finances to get him the type of house he wants. Your wants (a more modest, but larger house) seem to be ignored. You are paying 50% of costs currently, despite the difference in earnings.

What he'll get if you move in together

• cook, cleaner, household duties taken care of, life admin done for him
• costs reduced by 50%
• big house he can't afford without your money, but at no cost to him

What you'll get if you move on together

• increased household chores
• increased costs for a lifestyle you sound like you don't want
• no financial security as you have sold your house, are paying a mortgage and 50% of luxury lifestyle costs that he easily affords as your finances have gotten him his big house for free

Completely agree with @k1233. You don’t have to end the relationship but this doesn’t feel as if it’s in your interests to move in together and pool your assets.

If I was mortgage free there's no way I'd want to go back to having one! Sorry, OP, you'd be dumped if I was your partner.

It doesn't seem right that you'd be paying 50% of costs of running the home, when he has 2 teenagers and a higher income.

I think paying costs in proportion to income would be fairer.

It also seems like he's very rigid - you've said several times he won't compromise on various things. That's not good news in someone you intend to live with.

To me what would make sense would be living according to what the lowest earner can afford. It's not reasonable to demand you both pay equally yet get this big house if you're going to be really stretched, while he's absolutely fine. Either it needs to be affordable for you and therefore a smaller place, or he needs to pay more.

Obviously he is being unreasonable if he expects to get a house which is more than double in value of his current house at no additional cost to him, if that is what you mean. But if the sale of his current house would finance his share (50%) of the new house, then he is not be unreasonable to suggest that he should not need to contribute to the mortgage.

It’s not unusual for people who come to relationships later in life so already have children etc to still keep entirely separate finances. The priority for both of you should be your own children, over and above each other.

Especially when 2 teenagers quite often wander around leaving lights on and outside doors open with the heater going full blast , stay up late using power, shower twice a day after the gym, and routinely devour what feels like a whole cow, several kgs of carbs, half the fruit drawer and a block of cheese. They aren’t cheap.

He might be a good boyfriend/partner in lots of ways but this is not one of them. I doubt you'll reach a compromise, so best just to leave things as they are. It seems likely that it won't work.

DH and I bought a house together when I had DC aged 14 and 12 and he had a 3yo. From the beginning, we pooled everything. My child support money went into our joint account, his child support money went out of our joint account. The mortgage was about 1400/month. Our salaries were about 60/40 initially but both went into the joint account. Over time, my salary (public sector) didn't keep pace with his and it was more like 65/35. Everything was still joint. I don't think we could have made it work any other way. BTW, when we bought that house I had a property to sell and he didn't - I put about 250k down.

In our wills, we leave everything to each other then eventually split equally between all 3 DC. It works for us because we are a partnership. It seems your DP doesn't want to be your partner.

We currently pay 50/50 on everything, holidays, dinners etc

I can't bear a mean man.

He has no mortgage, gets rental income and has a higher disposal income but he doesn't pick up the bill when you go out to eat or take you on holiday?

I bet he pays for the parking via Ring&go, then asks you to transfer £2.75 into his bank account.

Yep, and if they bought together the nice big house he wants as per his plan, and the op said I can’t pay half the grocery bill this month and don’t think I should as 30% of it is your kids and 10% of it is your luxury snacks, he’d call her stingy and mean and uncommitted to the blended family.

So you do want his money? You need to be responsible for yourself and your child

Puts her on a very sticky wicket when the 2 teenagers leave home and they have a decade or so of being a 3 person household, with her being responsible for 2/3 of them when she can barely cover the cost 50:50.

I think the problem is him wanting to act as if they are pooling resources in buying a big fancy house, while not actually being willing to pool resources.

He can't have it both ways. It's no good for OP to be overstretched and struggling all the time to pay her share while he sits pretty.

She can't actually afford what he can. They should be looking at houses she can afford comfortably, if the plan is to keep finances separate and pay equally.

Will your mortgage be bigger in the new situation? How much bigger?

Surely he'd be splitting costs of stamp duty, solicitors etc. So it doesnt all fall on you?
I've worked very hard to be mortgage free and I'd not be keen to return to having one again so I do understand his point. He also is in the position of having to find cash for 2 kids through uni potentially which is quite a big drain.
So I'd suggest that your options are to find a less expensive house ie something that is worth a bit more than your current properties but not double which is what is being suggested. Say 1.5x current properties.
That way you actually reduce your mortgage slightly and he remains mortgage free. You own the house 50 50 in that case. The benefit to you is that you have less monthly outgoings and you have 50 PC share in a nicer house.

If he wants the big house, I guess one option would be to own in unequal shares, like he puts 2/3 in and she pays a third (or whatever shares they agree).

Am i reading it correctly that he wants to ring fence his deposit then own 50/50 but with you paying the full amount of the mortgage so say the house is worth £500k he ringfences his £250k you mortgage your £250k but for ease of showing the unfairness no house value increase. If once you pay off the mortgage and then separate he gets his ring fenced £250k plus 50% of the equity another £125k and you just get 50%of the equity £125k. Throw this one back.

Bet he also expects you to pay 50% of days out or holidays including all 3 children.

Are you sure about your figures? £1000K a month equates to £12 million a year!!!

No I think he wants to split the house 50:50. He has the ability to buy his 50% with cash. The OP will buy her 50% with a combination of cash and a mortgage.

if they ever sell it they would then get 50:50 of whatever the house is worth at that point. This would mean he gets 50% plus 50% of any increased value and so does OP. If she is still paying off the mortgage on her 50% then any increased value will still mean she has benefitted just in the same way all of us do when we have a mortgaged house and sell it for more that we bought it.

why is any of this unfair?

I’m not sure if you are agreeing with or contradicting me!
her own child’s teenage bills will be fine if she hasn’t been covering the food and bills for teenagers for years and isn’t paying for a larger house and half of the lifestyle of a wealthier man. Plus she can explain limits to her own teenager.

But nowhere does it say she will pay 2/3 of anything. The teens are almost gone. The bills for another 10 years + will be for OP DP and OPs dc. It sounds like DP wants to split bills 50:50 so he will be subsiding the OPs dc.

The house is bigger than she wants , which will cost more than she wants, and costs stamp duty she’d have to find money for..

OP read this again:

if I bring it up I'm only after his money, which is not true, I just want to be sharing a life with someone feeling like we are able to do similar things

So you want him to pay for you. Right? That’s the crux of it. You are not after his money….but you want him to pay for you. Can you see how you are contradicting yourself?

Yeah I’m not understanding if expected to pay all the stamp duty. That makes no sense at all. The OP hasn’t clarified that I can see

But this is not just about the mortgage is it? He will also have a lot more disposable income than you OP. So what happens if he wants to go on an expensive holiday? Or has expensive hobbies, buys expensive clothes etc. while you are struggling to pay the bills (which will naturally be higher with a bigger property)? What about the food shop? Weekend spending? Days out? You will either end up in debt trying to match his spending or not do any of that and watch him live a completely different sort of life to you. Can you do that potentially for the rest of your life? Because I couldn’t. What if you have a child together? Or get sick? Or face redundancy?

And what about your child? You will be actively jeopardising yours and their financial security for this man. Why would you do that?