Are my expectations in how we split finances valid?

[Ru25]

Hi there,

Me and my partner are both divorced, been together nearly 6 years. We both have our own homes but are in very different financial circumstances. He owns his home now with no mortgage and also has another property with rental income. I have a large mortgage and high monthly payments. Our houses are worth about the same. The idea is to sell our houses and buy somewhere bigger that will house his two older kids and my younger child. However the sticking point is that he would just want to continue his financial situation, no mortgage and for me to continue with my current set up with my mortgage. Therefore live together and him have loads disposable income and me not have much at all...I'm not after his money but I feel like if we are building a life together we should be looking at finances as a team and working out how we could be more equal. He can ring fence whatever he puts in if anything was to go wrong but we should be looking to build a future together. His idea just feels like room mates and actually I;d be worse off due to the cost of moving/another stamp duty to pay etc...He would be living in a much nicer larger house for nothing...anyway interested in peoples thoughts on this as quite complicated/ Thanks

OP wouldn’t be poorer, she would be exactly the same. She talking about her mortgage being the same on the new house as her current house.
Who’s to say this guy even wants to live in a bigger house? The bigger house is to accommodate the additional people, I doubt he “gets” to live in it like it’s a prize, if he wanted something bigger he would already be living in it.

Unless I am missing something you effectively want him to subsidise your lifestyle by paying more into it than you do (whether it’s through contributing more assets or more income). To me that seems a little unreasonable as a default - if he wants to spend his spare income on taking you on nice meals or holidays fair enough (or he can just increase his savings over time if he prefers) but by default expecting him to put that money into you is a bit OTT.

so you are saying if he loved you he would just give you his money.

and what about his dc. It’s funny but it’s always the person who has less that thinks they should be given stuff if their partner loves them

that’s classic emotional blackmail and manipulation.

you should both put in what you can. He pays the balance and he owns that larger percentage.

If his house and your contribution don’t reach the full value then either you pay the mortgage just as you are currently doing so you are not worse off. And as you pay it off your percentage ownership adjusts

you won’t be any worse off as you are currently paying a mortgage anyway.

If you already feel resentful before this has even happened then it just isn't worth going ahead. I can see things from his point of view. If he has enough money for his share of the house why should he get a mortgage. He is protecting his own interests. It feels unbalanced because it is unbalanced because he has a lot more money than you have.

So how have you managed over the past 6 years then?

Op, what happens if he dies before you and before you pay the mortgage off? Where will you go if his children want their inheritance?

Her mortgage won’t be bigger because he will have paid for half of it with cash.

Get a property that’s a bit cheaper he pays 70% from his sale and you do 30% with a mortgage.
won’t you then Also both be better off as the costa are now shared -elec insurance sky council tax. They won’t all be doubled.

"I don't want his money" she sighed wantingly as she gazed upon his money

I don’t want his money I just want a nicer house, with a smaller mortgage, nicer holidays, better nights out and more luxurious things … without earning it or paying for it.

@Cromulent

There is absolutely nothing in this arrangement for you.
You need to take a good hard look at the man you have wasted 6 years.
He is 100% clear headed, definitely isn't madly in love with you.

He wants a great deal for himself that will 100% cost you nothing but more money, stress and worry.
Not a good situation for your child while he gets a nicer house.

You would want to be out of your mind to be used like this.
Your priority is your child and yourself and keeping yourself safe.

Throw this selfish arsehole back.
He knows well there is nothing in this deal for you.
Don't make little of yourself chasing him.
He doesn't deserve you.

The only viable solution for the two of you to live together is rent a much bigger house for which you pay 50:50 or however way you want to divide the rent given he has 2 children, and you rent out your property and pay the mortgage with the money you get from the rent.

my mortgage would be slightly more as houses are more than value of mine and his. Our houses are same value. Also extra expenses to move. I would be better off staying where I am for sure

I can actually see why he doesn't want another mortgage having paid his off. He's probably thinking about uni expenses. I can also see why he wants to ringfence his part of the deposit for his own kids. What is your relationship like at the moment? Is he generous given he earns well and has no mortgage? Does he pay when you go out? Buy groceries when staying with you? Buy you nice gifts? How are holidays paid for? Does he treat your child like his own? (probably the most important factor if moving in together).

If he seems otherwise generous, kind and lovely to you both I wonder if a compromise could be reached? Why not look at moving to a larger but not 'twice as large' house. There would need to be some sort of benefit for you? Nicer house BUT your mortgage reduced not increased in size. If the plan is that you pay the (reduced) mortgage by yourself you need paperwork to prove that the part you are paying off is also ringfenced under your name in addition to your deposit. You could then invest the extra cash you're saving as he has done. I think you need legal advice.

If he's a tight bastard in other areas of life I'd definitely be staying put.

So set your budget at what you could afford. Your OP suggests your mortgage would be the same. If it would be bigger then look at houses you can actually afford.
Why would you incur any extra expenses to move than he would?

I think kids make it harder. The sensible thing to do would be to keep your current properties (unless you wanted to sell) and rent them, then rent a place together. That way your kids ‘inheritances’ are not intertwined. How you split bills/rent is much more complicated due to the children and their needs - I’m not a step parent but imagine this must be deeply personal and very complicated!

Honestly. Just stay LAT until your DC is an adult and you’re mortgage free. But I’d still be disinclined to buy with him in terms of his attitude tbh… at least this plan gives you time to ponder.

He is not unreasonable to want to protect his own assets. But he is unreasonable to expect to live in a bigger house but pay no extra. I can also understand why he doesn’t want another mortgage when he’s paid his off. But I also don’t think it’s fair what he is suggesting. Personally, I wouldn’t buy a house with him.

Happy for him to ringfence his deposit of course and get back what we put in. We currently pay 50/50 on everything, holidays, dinners etc

I wouldn't really want a mortgage either once I was mortgage free if I could cover cost of half a house. Had friends in similar situation where she had inherited and purchased half of house outright and he had mortgage on his half though not sure what they did with the rest of the finances. How does it work now? Surely now he has more money than you? Maybe just wait a bit as his DC are quite old and maybe off to uni soon? So perhaps you don't need a bigger house?

I don't know if not following well but it doesn't seem terrible to me. You both purchase 50% however you see fit. All bills for the new home split 50/50 then any profit once sold would be 50/50. The only thing I would suggest is that he pays the stamp duty as a he is in a more comfortable position. I would say though say both your homes at the moment are worth 250k and you buy a 500k home that it doesn't increase your mortgage payments. So I wouldn't go over your budget to please him.

Keep your own home , eventually you will own 100% of it and you are in control of your own finances and not messy if you split.

Its not just about the initial house purchase & mortgage - side note the mortgage would have to be in both of your names any way, it isn't possible for one person to have a mortgage on a jointly owned property.
How are you intending to split everything else????
He is using more bedrooms than you......
At first he is responsible for more wear & tear but then they might leave (Uni)
Food, they will eat alot more
So you're paying to heat a house that is bigger than you need & that costs more
Teens can spend an age in the shower
Will the interest rate on the new mortgage be comparable or is it higher

@Ru25 he says he loves you but he sure doesn’t put his money where his mouth is. I’d say that’s a good sign for you to stand your ground and request he get a mortgage for the outstanding amount with you or you just tell him his words don’t match his actions. When I thought my ex was the one, I found out after a year or so of dating that he had very little pension and would be almost wholly reliant on state pension when the time came. This appeared to be through his own choices when younger to not have remained in education and taken primarily unskillled manual work his entire life. Our dream then was to retire to the coast somewhere nice. Now bear in mind at that time, I hadn’t even told him I loved him, yet I had a very strong sense of partnership and as my forecast was pretty decent, I immediately told him that we could still achieve our dream as my projected private pension with his state and eventually mine on top would mean we would be moderately comfortable. I said this because I wanted to share everything with him - not be like your partner and have some convulted arrangement. I really appreciate my partner and wanted him to be happy and not feel like a ‘burden’. I was with him for him and couldn’t care less about the fact that I would be doing most of the financial heavy lifting. I honestly think your man doesn’t care for you as he should. Very much proceed with caution!

He has a million pounds a month rental income?