Are my expectations in how we split finances valid?

[Ru25]

Hi there,

Me and my partner are both divorced, been together nearly 6 years. We both have our own homes but are in very different financial circumstances. He owns his home now with no mortgage and also has another property with rental income. I have a large mortgage and high monthly payments. Our houses are worth about the same. The idea is to sell our houses and buy somewhere bigger that will house his two older kids and my younger child. However the sticking point is that he would just want to continue his financial situation, no mortgage and for me to continue with my current set up with my mortgage. Therefore live together and him have loads disposable income and me not have much at all...I'm not after his money but I feel like if we are building a life together we should be looking at finances as a team and working out how we could be more equal. He can ring fence whatever he puts in if anything was to go wrong but we should be looking to build a future together. His idea just feels like room mates and actually I;d be worse off due to the cost of moving/another stamp duty to pay etc...He would be living in a much nicer larger house for nothing...anyway interested in peoples thoughts on this as quite complicated/ Thanks

Honestly I'd pull the brakes hard now and say you're not ready to do this and you will maybe want to consider it in a year or so's time, instead.

Give yourself some breathing time and time to figure out the dynamics here.

His reaction will also be interesting.

Thanks. Yes I think this is the best option. Appreciate the advice

And I think make it clear that when this is revisited you want to see a financial advisor and make it clear about budget and tenants in common.

Sorry OP my first comment was that I totally see his POV about not wanting to pay a mortgage again which I still get but your updates have put a different spin on it and I think he sounds like this is what HE wants and he’s not bothered about if it’s best for you or any of the DC.

I also think with the age difference between your SC, it’s not ideal to try and blend families. The financial disparity between you and him insisting you always pay half is a huge red flag too, especially after 6 years.

This. I keep seeing this, and don't understand it at all. There is no 'subsequently to our children' unless it's left in trust and written in the will.

A partner can remarry and write a new will leaving it all.to his or her new partner.

Want your money to go to your kids? Write it in the will.

Yes, I've got a couple of friends who were also married to men like this. Both thought 'they' as in, the family, were skint...till they divorced and all their money was their own, they suddenly realised it was just them personally who were skint because all their income was going on joint expenses. They're both much happier and much better off financially being on their own.

Happened to my friend. Her mum died young from cancer and her dad remarried.

When he passed away everything went to his second wife and she had her will written to leave the estate to her adult daughters - my friend and her brothers didn’t get anything despite the second wife moving into the house they grew up in.

I think this is going to go badly wrong in 5 years when his kids are out of the house and yours is the young teen. Sounds like a toxic situation to place your child into

£1,000k rental income a month that can’t be right

Were you married to my ex????

Why toxic?

Because his priority is his kids and his family.

i bet he wants his kids to have the bigger rooms right?

The reality is, you will never be equal financially, he has more equity than you and earns more than you. Of course this is not his fault, one would assume he has worked hard to get into the position he is in now.

if I was in his shoes, I would suggest putting equal amounts in into the new house. Any left over money goes to the partner it came from. What you do with it is entirely up to you and him.

or, move into his bigger house and you rent yours out, at least for the short term. Any excess rent over and above the mortgage either goes on housekeeping or into a joint account.

Ring fencing a larger deposit from a spouse is tricky, at least in the UK, and it’s not something I would personally do. My house is nearly mortgage free now, and there’s no way I’d be putting in £500k deposit if my partner only had £30k.

I also get his POV Entirely, he has no mortgage so his outgoings are just bills. You have a high mortgage + bills so the reality is, he will become worse off financially with a big mortgage and you will be better off as you have someone else contributing to the mortgage and a nicer house.

I’ve not RTET so apologies if I’ve misunderstood or missed posts.

You desperately need to educate yourself on how controlling, manipulative and financially abusive men behave.

He is trying to force your hand with this.
Manipulative.

Have you any idea how stuck you and your poor child would be with this mean man if he started mistreating you and every penny you have is tied up in a house.
He has lots of money and could make it so difficult for you to force a sale.

You could end up homeless trying to get away from him.

I'm so sorry but it is scary how disconnected from reality you are.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.

In the absence of hard proof that you may want, do not risk your childs peace and happiness with this walking red flag.

Why would you do that?

Take space. Educate yourself.
Talk to Women's aid.

Do not walk into a situation where you will be controlled and vulnerable.

Don't be one of those women bitterly regretting giving up their security for a man who only showed his real hand when they were stuck.

Don't trust him.
He is a walking red flag.

Your daughters happiness and safety should come first, not yours.

He eats and stays at yours and insists on 50/50?

You are so vulnerable.
A woman with standards and self esteem wouldn't tolerate him and his meanness.
Of course he wants to move in with you, you have shown him you will accept paying for him!!

He's a user.
He's shown you EXACTLY who he is and now he wants you penniless and stuck living with him.
The bedroom situation would be interesting.

I feel so sorry for your daughter.
You have been spending your money on a mean man, money that should be spent on yourself and your child.
For goodness sake wake up to what you have clearly written but refuse to accept.
Do not jeopardise your childs happy education for a user..

Exactly. He will wind up paying 50% less in household bills than he does now, while I’m betting getting a nice domestic servant thrown into the mix. And all that while moving to a bigger, more expensive house where his equity is likely to increase more significantly. Where can I sign up to such a deal?

We must have read a different thread:…

i’ve read all of OP’s post and nowhere does it come across as he is financially controlling: in fact, quite to the contrary, its OP that’s wants a bigger house and it’s he who wants to keep finances separate and keep the living arrangements as they are currently. I Guarantee if the financial situation was reversed you and others on here would have very different views!

He wants 50:50 split on everything and a bigger house to accommodate his two children when OP only has one. It’s OP that takes the unfair financial hit here regardless of anyone’s income, borrowing or assets.

You have completely misunderstood!

Agreed.
A common theme on MN, literacy, comprehension and nuance not being a strong suit🙄.

Read your posts back to yourself and have a think about what you would say to a friend, sibling or daughter in this situation.

if you go ahead, this might be the first time but it will not be the only time he tells his kids about something he had decided and you have not agreed to. At the very least it suggests that he is so confident that no compromise is necessary on his side and that you will fall into line.

in case my first sentence was not clear, please don’t do it.

I wouldn't do it.

You don't need a 4 bed house for yourself and your child, why take on the additional expense essentially only to house his children? He has a mortgage free home and can already house them himself. If he wants a bigger home for them he can pay for it.

I think this is a raw deal for you, although I can also see why he wouldn't want to lose the security and freedom of a mortgage free house of his own.

I think it's better for you both to stay as you are. I also bet he would be a nightmare with estate planning!

It’s not me who wants a bigger house!! It’s him! Remember I only have 1 child! And I’m happy to have something modest he wants something amazing with a big garden etc!

Well good luck to him wishing you'd upgrade his house for free!

Thank god it’s not just me that thinks this, it’s genuinely shocking lately.