Are my expectations in how we split finances valid?

[Ru25]

Hi there,

Me and my partner are both divorced, been together nearly 6 years. We both have our own homes but are in very different financial circumstances. He owns his home now with no mortgage and also has another property with rental income. I have a large mortgage and high monthly payments. Our houses are worth about the same. The idea is to sell our houses and buy somewhere bigger that will house his two older kids and my younger child. However the sticking point is that he would just want to continue his financial situation, no mortgage and for me to continue with my current set up with my mortgage. Therefore live together and him have loads disposable income and me not have much at all...I'm not after his money but I feel like if we are building a life together we should be looking at finances as a team and working out how we could be more equal. He can ring fence whatever he puts in if anything was to go wrong but we should be looking to build a future together. His idea just feels like room mates and actually I;d be worse off due to the cost of moving/another stamp duty to pay etc...He would be living in a much nicer larger house for nothing...anyway interested in peoples thoughts on this as quite complicated/ Thanks

Is "I pay half of the asset we're going to jointly own, you pay for half of the asset we're going to jointly own" really that convoluted?

With grown up kids (like he pretty much has now), I wouldn’t want to take on another mortgage either. It’s liberating not to have to pay a mortgage.
That doesn’t help you of course. Not sure what the answer is. Hope he can reassure you and you can come to a solution that suits both of you.

Yes, if he doesn’t want another mortgage.

What happens if you stop paying your mortgage or things change financially and you can’t pay the mortgage? He’ll be in a difficult position.

1. You are taking on more risk than he is because you have less money then he does. What if, for example, you break up and the value of the big house no longer can buy you an equivalent size house to now. E.g. housing market price movements etc.
2. Even if the arrangement is financially fair, life isn't just a spreadsheet and this will create uneven power dynamics between you, that you are likely to resent.
3. There are options such as him paying for a significantly greater proportion of the day to day living costs allowing you to pay off your debt.
4. Or he could agree to pay some or all the cost of any future stamp duty charge if you break up. To even the power dynamics and reduce your risks a bit.
5. Ultimately it might be fair what he is proposing but it is not the behaviour of someone who values the relationship. He could come up with a compromise or something if he did. The fact that he isn't trying to work something out with you but responds that you are after his money 💰 isn't the response of a living committed partner.
6. It sounds like a very bad idea to go ahead with this.

Its not just about the initial house purchase & mortgage - side note the mortgage would have to be in both of your names any way, it isn't possible for one person to have a mortgage on a jointly owned property.

I wondered about this

1. "There are options such as him paying for a significantly greater proportion of the day to day living costs allowing you to pay off your debt.
2. Or he could agree to pay some or all the cost of any future stamp duty charge if you break up. To even the power dynamics and reduce your risks a bit."

These are non-runners unfortunately as the OP isn't after his money or looking to be subsidized

OP, you said that things like nights out and holidays are split 50/50. Is he happy to live in a way that suits your budget, or are you struggling to pay for your half of things?

Obviously you should get married before moving in together…

It seems to me that she is. Unless I have misunderstood. How else can the disparity in their financial positions be softened which is what she seems to be saying she wants

If the shoe was on the other foot, OP would be told to protect her assets at all costs. Sounds to me he is doing the same, and is very sensible in doing so.

Nah she said herself in the OP, ".I'm not after his money" so she obviously wants to pay her share, if only there was a way for him to pay some of her share too

It is possible to own a property and not be on the mortgage.

Sounds like he’s funding his 50% of the house purchase with cash, and you’re funding your 50% with debt. That isn’t inherently a problem, though I can see his point as there is no way I would take on a new mortgage having already paid mine off.

I can’t see whether you paying 50% of the new house makes you worse off. If so, you can’t afford to blend families with this man, at least not by buying one of the houses you’ve been looking at.

I’d be honest with him by running through all the numbers, then see what he says.

You are expecting/ wanting him to finance that better lifestyle for you.
He's not wrong to protect himself and his child financially.
If he pays 50%with his equity and you pay 50% with a mortgage. That's equal

I agree with this. He is wealthier than you and because you are not married he is keeping finances separate. A bigger house will be more expensive but from what you say, he has the cash to afford it comfortably.

If he pays more then he would expect to have a higher percentage of ownership. Have you discussed this?

However don't move in together, you are not on the same page and as the financially weaker party you will feel resentful. In 4 years he is likely to have no financial contribution to his children so the disparity will grow.

I think you have to genuinely accept he has greater wealth than you and is not keen to share than on a formal basis. If you can't accept that then definitely don't move in together

Honestly, I’d stay put right now and focus on you, your DD, paying off your own mortgage and being financially independent.

I’ve made the figures up but it sounds as if you are both selling properties worth, for example, £200k and looking at a £500k property. He’d pay for his half outright through property and assets, you’d be increasing your mortgage slightly to fund your £250k half.

You could split all the associated moving costs but you wouldn’t have to if you stayed put. Presumably these aren’t an issue for DP to pay out of savings.

What’s the plan for increased utility bills? Council tax? Food bills? General maintenance? All the costs associated with a new house (new carpets, curtains, furniture)?

I’d also question blending a family with two young adults and one with a much younger child - there are enough threads on here around the challenges of blending families and the problems it can bring.

For what it’s worth I don’t think he is being mean or you are money-grabbing. You’re at very different life stages where this move will cost you more than him and you probably both need to protect your own families.

But he doesn’t need to take out a mortgage. He can pay his half of the house with cash.

so he owns half and she owns half. Only her half is being mortgaged by her. Surely you aren’t suggesting he pays for her half too?

Two teens eat a lot more, shower a lot more, more wear and tear.
They are like 3 adults to her and a small child.

Absolutely no way would the utility bills be comparable.
I have teens, never out of the shower.
My electricity bill has trebled with teens.
They eat and snack endlessly.

The food bill would be probably closer to 3 times what she pays.

Would the teens have friends around constantly hanging out? Playing ps5, movie nights snacking?

Very normal behaviour but that impacts heating bills as well.

The two houses are not comparable.
No way should she pay half the bills.
Testament to how mean he is that he want this.
Also one small child takes up a lot less space than two teens.

There is nothing in this for her other than much bigger bills.
Who will do the shopping, laundry, cooking, and managing the house?
He wants a housekeeper, in his bed, paying half the bills.

He thinks you are a mug OP.
Don't fall for it.

Well sure but eventually her child is the expensive one so then what?

agree with many on here OP that merging households doesn’t seem sensible

They shouldn’t be joint tenants anyway tenants in common would be much better given the children involved.

OP would he be up for you not having such a big mortgage and a smaller share of the property? Proper financial and legal advice could help with this.

if he wants a better property then their could be a joint mortgage reflected in the percentage allocations

or you coukd just not do it.

my advice either walk away now or get professional advice setting out what you want clearly

I'd question if he does actually want to live together, cos he's sure making all the right noises in all the wrong ways to make it ridiculous to do so.
I get hi mwanting to protect his money and his kids, but there is zero consideration for you or your child. But that's ok cos he can go off and live his rich life and come back to his fancy home and be all the better for it with his live in maid

Agreed
You don't want the debt, he doesn't want a leech

Win win

Have I missed the bit where the OP does everything like a maid?

So in 2-3 years when the teens are out the. His share should drop and as the OPs child grows I assume her share of bills should go up right?

I would say I can see why you don’t want a mortgage, but I can’t agree to your plan so it won’t work. I won’t move my child into a house with different financial situations for the people in it. When I need to budget or save I shop more carefully, concentrate on turning lights and the heater off, I get takeaway when I can afford it. These are all harder to manage in a shared house plus of course holidays and kids gifts at birthday and Christmas. We need to stay living separately where I can manage my own finances and priorities, you saying ‘I could help’ is meaningless I’m afraid.