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Original poster

Random message saying DH affair

1000 replies

basilbush · 30/05/2025 11:29

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/05/2025 11:31

I think I'd have to reply to the message and just say "prove it".

Kelrap20 · 30/05/2025 11:34

But why would something do that for no reason? Sorry but it is possible as much as you wouldn't like to think it is

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2025 11:34

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/05/2025 11:31

I think I'd have to reply to the message and just say "prove it".

This is actually perfect.

the exact same thing happened to me op.

it was indeed true and it was the OW messaging me with a fake profile.

but I responded all incorrectly, naive and assumed she was on my side, I gave her all the power and she was laughing at me.

in my situation, the response above would have been absolutely perfect. No emotion.

babystarsandmoon · 30/05/2025 11:34

You could search the number in Facebook and see if anything comes up.

I can’t imagine why someone would send it if it wasn’t true but I would do some digging before I confronted him.

I also wouldn’t reply to the text but it is definitely not ridiculous to confront him because why would someone send it for no good reasons?

Springadorable · 30/05/2025 11:35

Yeah as above, I don't think I could believe a random WhatsApp without evidence when I didn't have concerns already myself. And if you've seen the other thread running at the moment about a busy body "reporting" her neighbour for an affair you'll be aware there are some interfering nutjobs around.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/05/2025 11:36

I don't see why anyone would bother to make this up.

I'd go with the 'prove it' reply as well.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2025 11:36

Also, re the photos of the conference, he could have done all that whilst still sleeping with someone else I’m afraid op.

WombForTwo · 30/05/2025 11:37

Yep. Just reply and say “prove it”. I’ll never forget when I was 24, my DH and I were newly married and I got a message from a “random number” saying he was having an affair. She claimed he was with her at that moment.

Meanwhile we were on holiday together! I would never believe a random number over my husband.

babystarsandmoon · 30/05/2025 11:37

He probably hasn’t cheated at the conference but he could have the opportunity when he is supposed to be at the gym.

Original poster
basilbush · 30/05/2025 11:38

Neither scenario makes sense to me; I can’t think of a reason someone would make this up, but it also just doesn’t fit that he would be cheating

Absolutely he could be having his way with someone at this works thing but he freely shares his phone, we share location, he’s not secretive at all… just doesn’t add up.

I like ‘prove it’ as a reply. I haven’t thought to google or search the number. I’ll try that now

OP posts:
Piggled · 30/05/2025 11:38

Makes me laugh when women say ‘but he wouldn’t have the opportunity’

I knew a man who would leave the office to shag his OW in hotels during the day. They find time.

Piggled · 30/05/2025 11:39

Oh and his wife also had complete access to his phone. He still managed it.

Yazzi · 30/05/2025 11:40

Piggled · 30/05/2025 11:38

Makes me laugh when women say ‘but he wouldn’t have the opportunity’

I knew a man who would leave the office to shag his OW in hotels during the day. They find time.

Pretty awful to say "makes me laugh" about what is ultimately someone feeling unwilling to believe that their marriage and family might be about to come crashing down. Have some sensitivity.

Aria2015 · 30/05/2025 11:41

I think you need to entertain the idea that there could be some truth to this. Although I'm sure there are instances of weirdos making up complete lies to cause havoc, I think they are in the minority and most messages like this come from people who know of an affair and feel a 'duty' to expose it or they are the affair partner and want to either get back at the person who they are having an affair with or they want to give things a shove and try and cause the marriage to end so that they can move forward with that person.

I'd ask for further proof and see what you get. If and when you confront your husband I would do it very seriously and tell him that if he lies to you, there is no going back and then flat out ask him and then watch his reaction very carefully. Be serious and be strong and don't talk after asking him. Just keep silent for as long as you can. If someone is lying, silence unnerves them and they often end up trying to fill the silence and that's when they undo themselves.

Original poster
basilbush · 30/05/2025 11:41

I’m glad my little drama is making you laugh Piggled

OP posts:
screwyou · 30/05/2025 11:42

But you say he hasn't had the opportunity but he is away at a conference and has started going to the gym, plenty of opportunity there - not saying he has cheated. Is there anybody who has a grudge against you or wants to cause trouble?

FWIW I sent a message to the wife of a colleague who was having an affair. He was blatant about it and we all knew who she was. I set up an anonymous FB and sent her a message (my life wouldn't be worth living at work if I had told her who I was), I told her the name of the other woman, that he had recently been on a 'conference' with her and that the message was not sent out of malice. She believed me.

Rtato · 30/05/2025 11:44

It doesn’t have to be someone making it up. It could be someone jumping to conclusions (see another bonkers thread with a nosey neighbour!). I would also ask for proof

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2025 11:47

I guess there’s three options for the text ..

  1. he is
  2. he isn’t but someone fancies him and wants to split you up
  3. scam of some kind

which is why ‘prove it’ is good. They’ll have nothing for number 2 and 3 will disappear as they realise you’re not gonna give your credit card over.

the reality is op, unless you are with someone 24-7, they could be having an affair. Every single time they’re out of the house is an opportunity. Two phones is also perfectly possible.

Piggled · 30/05/2025 11:49

basilbush · 30/05/2025 11:41

I’m glad my little drama is making you laugh Piggled

I’m just saying, please don’t be naive. Women are always in such denial about what men are capable of.
’He doesn’t have the opportunity’ is never true.

Cerialkiller · 30/05/2025 11:49

I've seen several threads about this exact situation. I would love to know the stats on how many of these random contacts making accusations of affairs are true. A finger in the air, chinny recon is about 50/50 so yes there's a chance it could be true. Could be a work colleague which would make it easier to hide.

It could equally be, a jealous ex (from either side), random kids playing pranks, a bitter family member who doesn't like you or DH. Could be someone who fancies on of you and looking to break you up.

I wouldn't tell him though. If it's not real then it's irrelevant. If it is real then best to keep you powder dry and look for more evidence.

I've always thought that MN would be an excellent base for a national private investigation team, personnel all over the country, up at all hours, unknown to the person they are tailing... Where is the work event op? In the UK? We could send a local to sit nearby with sunglasses and a newspaper with eye holes cut into it.

Moveoverdarlin · 30/05/2025 11:53

Mmm I wouldn’t reply. I would start stealth investigations. If he’s open with his phone, great, go through it with a fine tooth comb. Do you go to the same gym? Or go together? Say you’re going with him at the last minute, see his reaction. Talk about people you know who have had affairs, see what he says.

My friend was having an affair with a married man and he’d nip out to Tesco to buy baby formula, ring her and they’d meet for a shag in the car. She’d ring him on her lunch hour and they’d meet for lunch. Everyone has the opportunity unless you are together 24/7.

babystarsandmoon · 30/05/2025 11:53

Piggled · 30/05/2025 11:38

Makes me laugh when women say ‘but he wouldn’t have the opportunity’

I knew a man who would leave the office to shag his OW in hotels during the day. They find time.

I’ve known men to cheat who you wouldn’t have suspected in a million years which is often how they get away with it.

Original poster
basilbush · 30/05/2025 11:53

I’ve googled and searched the number and nothing.

the work event is in the Uk a couple of hours away. I guess when I say he hasn’t had the opportunity, it’s because he works from home most of the time, only going in once a week, doesn’t have an outing hobby and when he says he’s at the gym, he is! We share our location for really mundane things like knowing when to put dinner on so when he says he’s somewhere, he is always there.

I agree, anything is possible but it just doesn’t add up.

i know I should reply with ‘prove it’ but I almost don’t want to give them the satisfaction of knowing I’m even slightly bought in by the message.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 30/05/2025 11:53

Oh gosh OP, prove it is a very good reply, wishing you all the best.

ItsSoFoggy · 30/05/2025 11:54

Whatsapp is prone to scams - I keep getting messages from someone I don’t know (but not related to the same thing as you).

However I think I would be cautious given the person has used your husbands actual name. It makes it seem more likely.

Going to the gym is a bit of a red flag if it’s new. A friend of mines husband had an affair with someone he met at the gym.
She also thought they were happy.

I would also go with the “prove it” text, but brace yourself for seeing and hearing things that you do not want to know.

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