Random message saying DH affair

[basilbush]

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

Most people also don’t get random messages saying their DH is cheating

Don’t click on any links.

Show your H the message when he gets home. His reaction should tell you everything.

To be honest I worked for a government department and travelled up and down the country…and my manager tried it on with me. We both are on a decent income in a professional/respectable environment. So what I’m trying to say are photos of conferences and FaceTimes etc are irrelevant, he can easily cheat when travelling for work. He could have invited someone over when he ended the call with you. The fact that you have access to his location is irrelevant because he’s at a location that you expect him to be? He could be messaging on hidden apps or on his work phone. So the fact you have access to his phone could be a red herring.

I would say that the person messaging you on WhatsApp could be telling the truth but they also seem to be a bit sassy. That doesn’t mean they they’re lying or that they’re telling you the truth. I don’t think they’re being malicious per se. But they possibly have an axe to grind.

The message was to put doubts in your mind, they know they don’t need to send any ‘evidence’ because they have put it into your head.
There is no evidence otherwise they would sent it.

When people have suspicions they’re told to trust their gut

in this occasion your gut is saying he’s not. I’d be tempted to ask for more info, or speak to him about it, or both, but trust your gut!

I mean - they could send the evidence later, there’s no requirement for them to send it immediately. It’s been less than 30 minutes, don’t think you have left enough time to say there is no evidence.

The reply does sound a bit like that: keeping her hooked till they get round to answering it.

Surely an OW/informant would just send evidence if they had it, or just not reply if she wasn’t going to. The whole “mwuh-ha-ha-haaa” 😈evil laugh sounds designed to impress, not like someone who really has info.

But I guess we wait and see op …

And the awful thing is there is really no way to definitively disprove cheating, unless you hire a PA to trail the person 24 hours a day. And of course that won't tell you anything about his past activities.

So once the seed of suspicion has been planted, it will be very hard to shake it off.

@Fannyy that's just an advert

Well OP hasn’t returned so maybe the evidence materialised 😬

this is fairly wishy-washy - I’m sure there’s been countless occasions where someone has trusted their gut telling them their partner is faithful only to later find out they’ve been cheated on.

I had this about 8 years ago.

Do you have anyone who could possibly dislike you and wants to cause trouble?

I am quite a detached person and if dh was having an affair, I wouldn’t actually give a shit, he can leave anytime he likes (my first husband left me for a work colleague, I was pissed off that they went behind my back for 3 months, not that he left me for her, life’s short and they are happy together and we all get on well as there was a child involved).

Anyway, so I got a text saying he was having an affair at work. So I called him right away and asked him if he was (wild, I know), and he denied it. And to be fair, I believed him as me being me, if he wanted to leave, he could, I can’t be arsed crying over relationships. Also, he never really went anywhere and looks like a pug.

Long story short, it turned out it was SIL, on a burner phone. She doesn’t like me and wanted to hurt me and cause me stress.

It didn’t work. I replied to the message with, “that’s nice, I hope they will be happy together if he decides to leave.” She actually gave herself away in the end as my reply, and lack of any fucks, sent her into a complete rage.

(I know that all makes me sound fucking batshit, but I’ve been through a lot in life, so can’t stress over what some man wants to do with his dick).

I hope it’s a scam OP, as others have said don’t click on any links they may send.

If they’ve used his name but not yours, and your gut says not cheating, I’d lean towards phishing. I mean I’d still do a whole shed load of digging before I mentioned it to him, to be sure, but it sounds generic shitty message so far.

Every chance that’s is a phishing scam of some sort. There is one doing the rounds about being naked and mxxxxxxxxxng on camera. The anymous WhatsApp -er claims to have photos and will release them. Never shared, goading continues. Jennifer Saunders said she was a victim on her titting about podcast.

It's been half an hour!

It could be true but I'm leaning towards scam.

I’m just saying if they sent back evidence of cheating I don’t think the first thing I would do is tell mumsnet. More likely it was a scam if OP returned and confirmed nothing yet.

Look at you. The spectre at the feast.

If they have provided no evidence in response to the “prove it” (or at least a meaningful, plausible explanation if there is no proof) then don’t worry OP. Prank.

You should be very aware of deepfake technology and similar. It’s all too easy these days to fake photographs, messages etc very convincingly- I think a celebrity recently had a court case over someone using AI to put her face into porn videos. There are people out there on the internet that will do this for people in exchange for not much money.

Interesting. It sounds as if either they’ll send evidence OR they’re bluffing.

Either way I’d leave them to it until I heard from them again.

If they really do have evidence and want to prove it, you won’t need to chase them up about it as they’ll definitely be back in touch.

I’d ring the number but that’s just me.

really hope this is a scam OP x

Totally. Those videos people make out of photos. Also photoshop to make a pic look like there's 2 people together.

Sorry, it sounds very unpleasant.

It could be a scam and I'd be very careful about sharing any information with this correspondent.

But I think you also need to brace yourself for the possibility that he is cheating. The claim about him having "no opportunity" is simply not true. Everyone has an opportunity. Unfortunately there are thousands of threads on here every year which start like this and end with the discovery of an affair.

Keep an open mind, bide your time, don't say anything to him yet but keep him under surveillance and in the background start preparing, mentally and financially, so you're ready to leave if you need to.