To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

Any remorse he feels would be temporarily, meaningless and pointless.

You have a child. Leave this man and spare your child the trauma of growing up in an abusive home.

He punched you while you were breastfeeding? What if he had missed and hit your child? Why arnt you halfway across the country in a refuge? Why do you think an "I'm sorry" will fix everything for you

Why does it matter if he feels remorse or not? You’ve left him, yes? Permanently. It sounds like this wasn’t this first time, and you have a child. The fact that you are now starting to get violent towards him makes this all even worse; you’re in even more danger now that you’re fighting back, and your child is in even more danger as the child is the only one left in the house whom he can hurt without being hit back. You have left him, right?

I'm re-wording how strong my original post was because I re-read the bit about you feeling vulnerable and needing to be sensitive...ok.

You have a toddler, and what you have just described is domestic abuse. Your partner has attacked you whilst you were breastfeeding, a space where your child is vulnerable and should feel safe, and you have also attacked your partner.

You absolutely must put that child first and either leave this relationship and find a safe space, or you immediately both seek help. You must also learn how to control your own temper/violence, is there any chance you might turn on your child?

This is extremely worrying OP, forget about petty sorries and hearts and flowers, seek help immediately and keep that child safe.

He punched you, while you were holding your toddler? And he doesn't feel bad? It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship, did you let him back ? Because he sounds like a danger to you and your child and you need to separate.

Your poor child. Who cares how your DP feels? Right now you shouldn’t even care how you feel. Your toddler witnessed his/ her parents physically fighting. Poor thing must have been terrified. You need to leave this toxic, abusive relationship for the emotional and physical safety of your child. It is not normal for a child to witness parents physically fighting and the police being called. This will cause permanent trauma for your child and cannot be allowed to happen again.

Now he's crossed that line once, he'll cross it again. Any improvement in his behaviour will be temporary to reel you back in, so get away while you can as it'll become increasingly difficult as the years go by & the abuse isolates & changes you.

Isn't the usual pattern of behaviour man gets violent, man grovels and apologises and is full of remorse, partner forgives him, man gets violent?

The remorse and apology is meaningless .
Only intervention such as anger management courses or those designed to change the behaviour pattern will possibly have any effect.

In your case the fact he got violent while you were breastfeeding your baby is truly abhorrent. What apology could really make any difference?

Is this the first time he has assaulted you? And you have defended yourself?
It won't get any better.
Please contact Women's Aid and make sure this relationship is over for your child.

You need to leave OP. Trust me it gets worse, there are services out there who can help you! I left my abusive partner 14 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did for myself and my DS. I couldn't allow him to grow up thinking it's normal to hit people.
If you haven't already, please either chuck him out or find somewhere to go, for the sake of your child!

He will do it again!

Your child could have been hit.
Your child had to hear and witness this behaviour.
This relationship is not healthy.
Would you want your child in this relationship ship when they are an adult?
You should both be remorseful for your actions, both of you became physical. However if he truly feels like you are in the wrong and he is not accepting responsibility then that is even more worrying.
I would also suggest that if anyone, man or woman, was punched while holding a child, that at some point they may retaliate. To protect themselves and get that aggression away from their child.
Again, this is NOT a safe, happy, stable, healthy relationship.

You lunged at him and scratched him while BF'ing and he punched you while you were BF'ing

You're now in a situation where you both got physical with your child in the middle.

Your relationship must end before your child is injured.

if your child is a girl then what advice would you give her if she was the victim of the domestic assault you’ve described in your post?

Yeah this MUST be your sign to leave him.

You know this isn't going to go away or get better.

Stop trying to psychoanalyse him. He should be not on your radar any more. Just get yourself and DC somewhere permanently away from him.

I don't want this to come across as victim-blamey, I've been in your position, but if you let him back now you ARE making a choice to continue exposing your DC to violence, and next time will be worse.

Any man who gets abusive- physically or emotionally- with his partner and mother of his child will not feel remorse, but rather blame her for everything. It’ll be your fault that he got violent and your fault he’s now suffering consequences. This won’t change and will only get worse. Please contact women’s aid and get help to leave him. He is dangerous to you and your child- both of you are already damaged and if you stay, this will become compounded and seriously affect both your lives. You must keep your baby safe. Please leave him.

You’re focusing on the wrong thing.

It doesn’t matter in the slightest whether he is remorseful or not. A man who hits you and is sorry is no better than a man who hits you and doesn’t care.

You need to end this relationship now.

This would be game over for me. I wouldn't even wait for him to get out of custody. It will happen again and again and will get more serious each time.

I agree with this. You both sound violent. Your poor child is stuck in the middle of this

He punched you, and you lunged at him and scratched him. All of this whilst your toddler was present?!

The only one I feel sorry for is your poor child caught between this domestic violence, that you are both damaging. Can you imagine how traumatised a toddler would be?

Leave him and never look back. This is not healthy in any way.

You're focused on the wrong thing entirely. Make preparations to leave this godawful abusive marriage. He attacked you while you were breastfeeding your child. He won't change except to get worse.

No he'd never do anything to our son, he absolutely adores him. He is actually a great dad and I would never want to separate a child from his dad.

I see some people have misunderstood post. No, I was about to try feeding him bottle / breast whatever he took but partner grabbed baby off me and pulled at my ankle trying to pull me off bed. That angered me as I always said we need restrict our arguments around our toddler. The punches came when toddler was stood in the room.

Remorse matters, without it I can't see us remaining a family. At the moment there is police ordered no contact. I'm in shock, suddenly finding myself managing toddler on my own.

Yabu , your toddler witnessed domestic abuse You need to break up with your partner.

He is not a great dad.

I bet you thought that he’d never hit you as well. And he doesn’t even have to hit him; your child is living in a house with domestics violence from both parents. And you don’t think that’s doing damage? He is damaging your son. So are you.

Sounds like you’re staying with him. I hope the police have involved social services. That child needs someone to protect him, and neither of you are doing that.

You’re not a family you’re three people that live together and the youngest one doesn’t have any choice over the matter. Perhaps take some time to research the effects of domestic violence and abuse on the brain development of very young children. The outcomes are not very good in situations where children are fearful over extended periods. Don’t minimise and pretend that he’s a great dad. I know it’s difficult but there are resources out there to help you.