To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

He already has “done something” to your son. I suspect you son was in tears and terrified while all this was happening. That was very clearly something.

You can’t sugar coat this - you and your child will be affected by this. Him saying sorry and faking remorse is not going to change that.

Have a Google of the impact of adverse childhood experiences and the long term consequences of that. Witnessing his father assault his mum will be traumatic and life long. This doesn’t just affect you. You need to act know to protect you child.

Not trying to derail, but please don’t judge anyone by how they react to grief. There is no comparison in how someone passes, the relationship you have with them, whether it was expected, how you process the grief, how long it takes, how you show those feelings and to whom etc. I’ve lost both parents and my siblings and I all reacted in very different ways, but at one point only minutes after it happened, we were all laughing. Even in grief there is normality and eating a meal means nothing about the level of empathy one has.

And if you don't leave, you'll just be another mum that chose a man over her child. Your child may be (rightly) removed from you as exposure to dv is child abuse. All this talk of "he's a great dad, he'd never hurt him" shows how ignorant you are. Your child has been subject to abuse. They will also resent you forever for this as they get older. You have 2 choices to make: be a good mum or a bad one. It really is that simple. I hope you choose the former, for your sake as well as the child's.

Your relationship is toxic and awful and will never change if you’ve got to the point of physically assaulting each other.

You are both in the wrong and for the sake of your child(ren) LEAVE.

This wasn’t even happening behind closed doors with children asleep you had one in your arms. You should both know that you shouldn’t even be arguing with a child present and in your arms let alone being abusive and physical.

Stop worrying about him grovelling to you and open your bloody eyes to what is happening.

Remorse is irrelevant now. Don’t focus on what he’s doing or saying at all.

you need to leave for the sake of your poor toddler and yourself.

Is his apology going to undo the violence? Turn back time? No it won't.
So he is aggressive in general but thumped you this time.
Please leave this horrendous man. There is absolutely no need for an apology as it won't change the situation.

Wtf have I just read. This isn’t normal OP. Get help.

With respect, you're asking the wrong question and focusing on the wrong problem.

You are being completely unreasonable and in denial. No one has misunderstood anything.

im so sorry.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

he could easily have hit your child.

either way your child stood and witnessed what happened. This is an ACE. Adverse Childhood Experience. This is abuse to you and the child.

yes that are being abused as they are in the house were abuse is present.

there is no excuse for this.

if you choose to remain a family with this man you are simply putting your child last and no protecting them.

please go to your GP and call women’s aid.

An elderly relative had memories of his father beating his mother and of hiding behind his mother's skirts as a toddler whilst this was going on.

He couldn't watch films or tv programmes which included scenes of abuse: "It's not entertainment when you've lived it."

It haunted him until the end of his days.

@JamesWebbSpaceTelescope You need to get your child out of that situation.

You need to leave asap.

your feelings will CATCH UP.

YOU WILL COPE with your toddler alone and one day they will thank you for choosing them.

He has already harmed your ds. Watching his mum being dragged by the ankle and punched is a trauma that your partner caused your ds.

Also, plenty of people think their abusive partners would never touch the children, and yet it happens

No he'd never do anything to our son, he absolutely adores him. He is actually a great dad and I would never want to separate a child from his dad.

With respect, he started to physically abuse you while you were feeding your child. He has already harmed your son by allowing him to witness this assault. Please find the strength to leave this man. There is support out there, please call Women’s Aid today.

You won't want to hear this but your DP is harming your child now, by arguing with you while you are with your child trying to feed him.

You are in the stage where you are minimising what is happening. You need to stop doing that and get help.

Wow.

I’m so sorry but he’s not a great dad.

He’s not even a good dad if he’s violent towards you. Especially in the same room as his child.

He doesn’t deserve to be a dad.

Remorse doesn’t matter. If he shows any, it will be fake.

The next time he’s violent, and I promise you there will be a next time, he’ll injure you more. You’re at risk of being murdered.

I hope you find the strength to leave.

Please be a decent mother and put your child first. Get him out of this abusive and toxic home.

Let me guess you want him to feel remorse so you don't have have to feel guilty about staying with him and having your child raised in this environment

He won't change you know that but you will more than likely ignore it and carry on, so why would he feel remorse? you will forgive him regardless

Your response here is shocking.

1. He would never hurt child as he adores him. Is it acceptable to hurt you because he doesn't care about you as much? There is never any excuse for violence in a relationship.
2. Saying he grabbed the baby off of you sounds pretty violent and aggressive to me.
3. Having had to say you need to restrict your arguments around your child reads to me that neither of you know what is an acceptable and healthy way to argue.
4. Yes remorse matters but is of no consequence if behaviour doesn't change. Do you feel remorse? You were violent too.

If you won't separate then you need some couples counselling to try and recognise how awful both of your thoughts, beliefs and behaviour patterns are. Be aware that some counsellors won't take on couples where there is active abuse happening though.

Remorse is irrelevant. This is domestic violence and he did it whilst you had your child in your arms.

Yes I would expect remorse but to be honest after showing that level of violence and whilst you had your child - it wouldn’t matter. He’s a risk . This will get worse .

Please leave .

The police have ordered no contact as they fully understand the danger you are in .
If I were to guess I would say your family and relationship history have always included domestic violence and therefore it is normal for you . What you are doing us normalising this for your son , so the cycle will continue.

Please reach out to womens aid . You don't need an apology, you need an escape route and therapy .

This! A great Dad does not hurt the mother of his child. A great Dad is not violent in front of his child. This will not get better, only worse.

Please try to find a way to leave this man. I speak from experience that those who believe you are in the wrong will only escalate. Don't warn him though,that is dangerous,go when he's at work or out for a longish time,but please don't wait til he puts you in hospital.This is not love,its abuse. Look after yourself and children first.

Poor baby, what horrid dynamics he has he been born into. For your babies sake please leave him, non of this is normal or healthy. Put your child’s needs first. Your child needs to grow up with loving role models.

YABVU

your main concern is that he isn't showing remorse and youre managing a toddler on your own?

Your main concern SHOULD BE THAT YOUR PARTNER SHOWED VIOLENCE TOWARD YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD.

"oh he'd never hurt the child, he's a wonderful father" - sound like an absolute star!

Wtf is wrong with you? Your priorities are all wrong.

Your focus is all wrong.
You should be making preparations to leave, not to welcome him back home.
This incident should have been a wake up call that you can’t stay together- even if you do it for your child’s sake. Splitting for everyone’s safety isn’t “tearing a child away from a parent” , it’s preventing the probability that he’ll see a future incident that statistically is going to be worse. You and him clearly don’t work together but can be good parents apart.
Nobody intends to get into relationships and hurt someone else so you can say that he’d never hurt your child. Children get to an age where they know and it fucks up their future relationships if he stays.
You are treating your h like he’s an empathetic child- in truth he will see your bruise, think you deserve it and show you his scratch. He will think that the police are biased because he had to leave. If he asks to stay it will be because he wants sex, revenge or not have the hassle of moving. Does he know that you’ve told mutual friends? If he doesn’t then be braced for when he finds out.

Personal experience.

in my case he didn’t

he doubled down on the lies to get himself out of trouble.

if he did feel any remorse he never expressed any.