To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

You honestly think it's feasible to remain together as a family after your toddler witnessed domestic violence? Given what you said about how you "always said" you need to restrict your arguments to when your toddler isn't there, it sounds like your relationship is volatile.

Please reflect on your responsibility as a parent (because clearly your partner is incapable of doing the same), and remove yourself and your child from this situation.

In the OP it sounds like it would be possible to do those things by skipping the getting wound up/lunging/scratching stage and doing a grab child and run. If OP had to lunge, then there'd be no need to get the person off attacking her. But we weren't there so it's all hypothetical. I was just answering your question which implied there wasn't an appropriate response, but it's hard to tell how many layers of archness you're employing and what you're really trying to say.

I'm so sorry, OP, that's awful and you should never have had to experience that. You deserved so much better and you should have felt safe and protected, every child deserves that.

You did a brave thing to call the police. You need to keep being brave and every time you look at your own child, think about how the violence in your childhood affected you and if you were back there, what would you have wanted the adults who were responsible for you to have done?

You can't change your awful experience but you can learn from it and protect your own child from history repeating itself.

You need to end this relationship, this relationship is toxic, it will happen again and remorse will not change that.

Hello, we have decided to move this thread to Relationships as we think AIBU isn't the best place for such a sensitive subject. And the thread was being derailed by a PBP whom we've now banned so hopefully the thread can get back on track.
MNHQ

All of that is true.

But the fact remains that you have approached this issue from the perspective about how you can successfully get your partner back in your life rather than how you can best protect your child.

I'm guessing you didn't actually read their posts because victim blaming is not speaking sense. Making up wild scenarios to justify a man's abuse is not speaking sense. There's a reason lots of posts have been deleted on this thread. And it's not because posters were encouraging the OP to leave an abusive relationship.

Maybe it's not how you mean it but your posts indicate that what you want is for him to be filled with remorse and beg for forgiveness so you can all go back to normal and forget this ever happened. Perhaps it hasn't really sunk in yet but it's over. For good.

He's abused your child by abusing you in front of them. There's no coming back from this. He could commit to wearing a horsehair robe and eating only gruel for the rest of his life in penance, and you're still never going to be a family again.

The posters here saying that are not your enemy. Social Services will say the same- either remove him from your life, or they'll remove your child.

@WhyDidHehavetodothat having read your update about your upbringing it’s clear that you don’t know what a “normal” and healthy relationship looks like but this isn’t it.

In a normal relationship yes you can have cross words or frustrations but you should have respect for each other so it does not get as low as name calling and as abusive as being physical.

Please reach to to a women’s domestic violence charity and get some help to understand that this isn’t normal or ok on either of your parts and you and your child deserve more.

You say you grew up witnessing it and you’re just repeating the cycle with your child.

They told her to leave a toxic relationship for the sake of her child and that neither of them being physically violent with each other in front of their child was right. That is sense.

No one blamed her. They just told her remorse won't make this better.

You need to leave and protect yourself and your child.
Whether or not he feels remorse is unimportant.
He doesn't seem to understand the enormity of the situation or that a line has been crossed. I'm hoping I've misunderstood your posts but you don't seem to understand these things either.
Stay safe.

The kind of man who ends up in a cell because of a DV call is the kind of man who thinks he's (1) the victim in the situation, and (2) completely justified in his actions, and (3) above the law.

Obviously (4) is 'completely lacking in remorse'.

Call Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247

You need help.

No he'd never do anything to our son, he absolutely adores him. He is actually a great dad and I would never want to separate a child from his dad.

Inevitably your husband will one day direct his violence at your son if you do not end the relationship. His violence towards you is escalating now and he is already being violent near your son. It's not far off.

Bear in mind that one day you will absolutely want to separate your husband from your child. My cousin sounded just like you when she first left her abusive ex. Now she is frantically trying to keep her child safe from his violent father.

Abusers target the vulnerable. They will not prevent themselves from abusing a child simply because it's their child. If anything, they will feel a greater sense of entitlement to completely control them. This is your experience of your own family, presumably? I'm sorry that you grew up like that; you can protect your child from having the same childhood you did.

Agree.

Please try to accept the advice here, OP.

It is scary to think of making a big change - ending life as you know it and starting anew - and very tempting to see what happened as a blip or something that can be patched over. Sticking it out and hoping for the best is toxic optimism winning out over what lived experience is telling you.

It's very common to use optimism to try to protect yourself from the stark reality of what happened and what it really means - not a weakness, but a response that is to be expected when you're hoping against hope that your family will stay intact, and you're in vulnerable position with a baby or very young child.

Agreed. And a man who removes his child from his mother's arms so he can drag her by the ankle and hit her in front of that child is not, by any stretch of the imagination, "A great dad"

OP you said he would never hurt his child but he is hurting his children he pulled his child from his mother so he could beat his mother in front of him. He is the worst kind of father imaginable. This is an extremely dangerous situation for you and your children. Please take whatever help you can get and get out of there. It doesn't matter at all how he feels.

I’m afraid this makes your child a victim of domestic violence under the law. Witnessing violence and being aware of it in the home is the criteria here and is incredibly damaging, even if no one lays a finger on the child. If you can’t keep your child safe from DV the social services will act to keep them safe.

I’m sorry to say it OP, but he won’t feel any remorse. He will blame you and believe he’s a victim. My ex hit me, then called the police himself because got scared for a moment, I spent a few hours at the station and had a bruised lip for a week, but did not escalate that with police. He still somehow blamed ME for everything because he had to spend a few hours at the station and I mentioned a long history of his verbal abuse to the police. Then he cheated on me and turned my life into a nightmare. If you ask any of his friends and family, they say he’s an amazing guy. These abusers’ heads are totally messed up. They don't change. Run before he turns your life into hell and hits you again, and save your child. He can’t be a good father and husband, he’s just not capable of that.

I did read the OP. What exactly did I make up? 🤔

I completely agree with @WildflowerConstellations.

@WhyDidHehavetodothat I hope you’re doing ok. Unlesss I missed it or it was removed, I haven’t seen any posts saying that you’re expecting an apology but they may have misread what you wrote:

“Remorse matters, without it I can't see us remaining a family. At the moment there is police ordered no contact. I'm in shock, suddenly finding myself managing toddler on my own.”

This may have been mistaken by some posters as you expecting an apology as you wanted your husband to show remorse. I don’t see how you can remain as a family in an increasingly volatile situation and I do hope you have contacted Women’s Aid.

@Feetinthegrass Unless I missed the posts, I didn’t see the thread “littered with men minimising”. Your words not mine. At the very least, I think thinking remorse means a family unit will somehow remain intact in the situation where there’s domestic violence is “men minimising”.

OP, please re-read what you’ve written. You might still be in shock but at least you can understand why many posters want you to leave this relationship:

“I see some people have misunderstood post. No, I was about to try feeding him bottle / breast whatever he took but partner grabbed baby off me and pulled at my ankle trying to pull me off bed. That angered me as I always said we need restrict our arguments around our toddler. The punches came when toddler was stood in the room.”

Do it for yourself and your children. It sounds like you have a baby and a toddler. You’ve m already had to tell your husband to limit your arguments which means they’ve been there when you and your husbands have been arguing. Remorse is just not enough. Your husband will need to show his change through his words and actions through doing an anger management course and leaving the family home while you prepare to separate.

He is not someone you should be living with and it will escalate further and, like it or not, he is hurting your children by grabbing the baby off you and punching you in front of your toddler who may need therapy in the future for the abusive behaviour they’ve been witnessing and possibly also hearing when you think that they’re sleeping or not around. He is hurting the mother of his children and, in doing so, he is hurting them as well. This is on him, not you. You need to protect yourself and gather all your documents to prove that not only but your children are not safe around him because I think you should be filing for sole custody.

@Beeloux Please read OP’s posts and you can easily do that by just clicking “see next” or “see all” from the initial post. She literally wrote in the first post: “Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .”

So it’s pretty clear that OP’s husband was the first to get physical. She later mentioned that he grabbed the baby off her when she was trying bottle/breastfeed and he grabbed her ankle to try to drag her off the bed. This is clearly domestic abuse and OP’s husband is clearly getting increasingly more and more violent. And instead of reflecting on his actions, he is more focused on his inconveniences.

Morning @WhyDidHehavetodothat . How are you feeling today? You are probably still reeling from everything that happened but hopefully you managed to get some sleep and can think a bit more clearly about your next steps.

Try to not pay too much attention from the people who want perfect victims who don’t defend themselves. Your priority now is to keep you and your son safe. Do you have supportive family and friends who can help you?

@JamesWebbSpaceTelescope Where are the posters who have said that they want people to be perfect victims who don’t defend themselves? Your words, by the way, not mine.

There a a fair few posts that have commented about the scratching to suggest it was tit for tat, ignoring the fact she was grabbed by the ankle and attempted to be pulled off the bed. Some even described it as clawing at him.

You lunged at him and scratched him while BF'ing and he punched you while you were BF'ing
I agree with this. You both sound violent.
You are almost as bad as him.
‘Restrict your fights around your toddler’ - how about not being in a relationship that is so toxic, unhealthy, aggressive and violent (both ways), full stop?!
You're both in the wrong, you shouldn't have "got physical" with him and he shouldn't have with you.

There’s plenty more. Because the OP retaliated or acted in self defence she is now being judged. I wonder what she should have done, let him pull her off the bed without reacting?

This.