To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

Get away from him as fast as you can. He mohht feel remorseful now and the next time and the next.

A Great Dad does not grab his hungry son from his mum when she’s about to feed him.

A Great Dad does not punch his sons mother whilst his son is stood in the room.

He is not a great dad. He is abusive. He is damaging and traumatising your son. Would you want your son to be in a relationship where he was getting dragged by the ankle and punched? Do you want your son to be in a relationship where he is dragging his partner by the relationship, punching her and getting carted off by the police? Unless you want this future for your child you need to leave.

He has already done something to your DS. Traumatised a very small child and children even then they if they can’t fully remember can have issues from witnessing violence. Their developing brains are very pliable and remember trauma even if not the exact details. Plus your partner is modelling violent behaviour. Not always but abusers can learn behaviour, it’s their norm. Just as if your child was a little girl she would be ‘used ‘ to women being hit.

Contact women’s aid. You will have a visit from social services, co operate fully. You need to break up with him. If you don’t you could risk losing your child.

Even if he never hits you again, He showed you that he doesn’t like you. And that will come out in every day today interaction, The way he parents your children, I could honestly write a book about how the physical stuff is the least of your worries. It’s the grinding you down day today until you’re a shell of a person but you’re still expected to contribute to the family as if you’re firing on all cylinders.
Just leave him now save yourself the trouble. You only get one life.

I think you both need anger management counselling. He was worse but you didn't cover yourself in glory either. He should not have punched you but you say he took the toddler from you...is that when you lashed out and scratched him. If you you are almost as bad as him. It is the child I feel sorry for.

Remorse matters, without it I can't see us remaining a family.

No OP, you have got this completely wrong. A man assaulted you in your own home in front of your child. That man needs to be removed permanently from your life. Your "family" ended with that first act of violence (pulling you off the bed by your ankle).

SS will likely get involved now.

Hos remorse or lack thereof will be meaningless because you'll have to choose between him or your child.

He isn't a great dad, I used to say this about my violent ex too, but they aren't, great dads don't assault the mother of their children in front of them.

"he's a great dad"

I swear whenever I see those words on MN it's always describing the worst dads.

Arguing and violently assaulting his child's mother makes him a shit dad. And an even shitter dad to do it when the poor child was in the same room.

And of course your child "loves him" (usually the next excuse). Your child knows no different. It's up to you, as a mother, to show your child that violence isn't ok

Dont apply your standards to his because that doesn't work. You are on a hiding to nothing.

Dump him.

He tried to pull you off the bed OP Isuspext there is a lot going on in this relationship thah you need help with seeing as well have you been recommended the freedom programme

In the nicest possible way, regardless of remorse or blame - the scenario you describe is not a healthy one for children to grow up in. For your children's sake you either both need to be fully committed to getting well (including seperate and joint therapy work) and stick to it. Or you need to seperate and still do the work to make yourself well.

Healthy people do not argue like this. They do not stay and argue past the point where they should cool down, they do not lunge and scratch at each other, they do not punch each other and they certainly don't do any of this while one of them is breastfeeding their child.

There is no way for a child to grow up around that and not be upset and damaged by it. Regardless of how nice everyone is the rest of the time. Please, for your sake, for your child's sake and even for your husband's sake - see that.

Agreed

My mum and dad had a volatile relationship.

I lost count of the number of times I thought I'd wake up to find one actually killed from the other. In fact I actually made my peace with it in my teens.

They both woke up in jail cells over the years

They're still together, and very mellowed now. (And completely uninterested in hearing that their relationship was not healthy or the impact it has on me.)

But I definitely have trauma.

I have no interest in a relationship, ever.

Conflict puts me in a child state.

I feel its my duty to manage the emotions of everyonr around me.

Don't inflict that on your child

I don't see how you can remain a family based on what's happened. I can't see how some crocodile tears from him can make this a suitable environment to raise your son in.

You've been through a lot so I imagine you have a lot going through your head right now and might not be thinking clearly. Please use this time to think about what's best and look afte yourself.

Is he on bail not to contact you or is it a formal DVPO?

Is this the first time you have called the police?

What are you going to say when the social workers ring - the police will have referred your children to them. You may even have met the MARAC threshold.

The support is out there for you not to live like this, but it starts with you recognising that your only choice now has to be putting g your children first and putting them first means them never having to witness their dad physically assaulting their mum again.

You risk the state having to intervene if you chose your relationship with him over the wellbeing of your children.

I voted YABU because you are focusing on completely the wrong thing here.

Your husband was violent toward you (the implication being this wasn’t the first time)

you resorted to violence back at him (presumably as a last resort due to being at the end of your tether)

The police were involved, and now your main concern is that he should be remorseful? Seriously?!?

What would that solve? As others have pointed out, a man can be apologetic, remorseful, guilty after DV, but it proves little. Next time a situation escalates (and there’s always a next time), the same pattern evolves - and often the same remorse / apologies / guilt. It means little, but often convinces the abused that things will get better, so they stay - and the cycle repeats. Again. And again and again (etc)

Why YABU is that you don’t seem to be acknowledging that this relationship is over, there is no way back, and you’ve made no mention of taking steps to get yourself and your child (children?) away from this dangerous scenario, because you seem to believe that, if remorse was forthcoming, things could normalise.

They can’t, I’m sorry - but it’s over. It was over the very first time he laid a finger on you in anger. Please, PLEASE, take the appropriate steps to remove yourself and your child from this man.

I wish you well x

You are both hurting your son. Witnessing domestic abuse, even indirectly, can have a lasting negative impact on your childs development and wellbeing. This behaviour is inexcusable and it can't continue. Your relationship is toxic. You need to leave.

You cannot remain as a family unit. There is violence involved. You stay apart and co-parent. Maybe in the future after therapy you could consider trying again but really would you ever actually feel safe on your own with him again

Gently OP you need to get away from this man.He is not a "great Dad" He is a bully ,and this sort of set up is very damaging for young children . Do you have friends or family to go to ? Of course you want to have the "happy family" that is the ideal,and branching out alone is scary we all get that.Your DH wont be feeling any remorse, because his behaviour is flawed and he hits out. Breastfeeding should be a gentle calm experience .this is the opposite! You need to reach out to womens groups ,the police whatever .Please get away from this man

He hit you.

Why are you even contemplating remaining a family?

A great dad would not grab a feeding child off their mother and then punch that mother. He is a terrible dad. Your child will be watching and learning that it is OK for them to either be beaten or to beat others.

Levels of violence usually get worse - they start with words, escalate with actions, and those actions escalate.

Please read up on domestic violence. One excellent book is called "in control" by Jane Monckton Smith- she used to be a police officer and is now a professor - she has seen a lot of DV situations in her time.

OP, gently but have you grown up around domestic violence? Because you seem to think it's normal/ok for your partner to be violent to you and vice versa as long as it's not towards your child. It is not normal and it is not ok. It is extremely damaging and traumatic to a child to be in a violent home - any violence from any person to any other person.

Please, at the very least, seek guidance on this so that you can learn what is right and wrong, and then go about protecting yourself and your child. Please do this for your child.

Was he drunk?
Why would a person pull a breast feeding mother off a bed by their ankle?
He has poor choices.
Do you always have difficulty with simple communication?
You witnessed abuse and you should not put up with it.

You are in an abusive relationship OP and you do need to separate from your DH. Hopefully after reading this thread, you will start to see the truth.

He is not a great dad. A dad does not act in that way infront of his child. The damage that is being done to your son seeing this is awful.

'Restrict our arguments' to not be in front of your child... If you are shouting your child can hear. If you are banging around, your child can hear... shouting, crying, banging- will naturally make your child feel scared.

Your child is already being affected by this behaviour. You are in denial.

This is not normal. This is not healthy.

And from your post, which is disturbing, you are far too used to this life.

OP, this is one of the most discomfiting posts I've read on MN.

None of this is normal or forgivable, and he isn't a great Dad.