To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

You cannot be a great dad and a terrible partner. That’s literally impossible.

Neither of you is a good parent if you let this continue.

Separate and getting mediation on how to have a healthy relationship to co parent your children without being in a relationship with each other.

This is toxic and both of you need to grow the fuck up, stop point scoring or needing apologies. Do the best for your dc.

I'm sorry OP but if he's hitting you in front of your toddler he is not a good dad.

It really doesn't help the op to make stuff up. She hasn't let him back in the house.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. What you experienced is reactive abuse - you reacted to his abuse. Children services will get involved now and you need to show you are putting your toddler first. There is a real risk of substantial family services involvement if you break the no contact rule. You did the right thing calling the police. Please reach out to women's aid or similar for some support . You deserve support and love ❤️

Victim blaming where she has reacted to the abuse is not fair.

I was a little girl who witnessed domestic abuse and the damage it does should not be underestimated, from the sinking feeling of fear whenever an argument begins to how it impacts your own future relationships long into adulthood.

You ask posters to be sensitive but then say he's a great dad! He's not a great dad and you're not either if you think your child will not be affected already.

What have I just read!

You both need support and help to understand this whole situation is just plain wrong! I’m so sorry to say it.

If I was sat with you I’d sound a lot more compassionate than how it sounds when reading. Like what on every level is this an healthy environment to be living in from all angels never mind a baby.

A grown decent human being, a decent grown man would not EVER want to hurt the mother of his baby. Actually he’d never want to physically put his hands on you -

your update is even worse makes for even more sobering reading!!

And no I don’t condone lashing out if you’d automatically lashed out as a defence when he grabbed your ankle I can totally understand.

Please try and see yes he can be remorseful for me if he shouted I’d be you better show and prove your remorse remorse and work on his anger but what he did! I mean please see this for what it is?

You said you’d asked him to calm down so he has form.

you said he would never hurt your son but he is! He’s showing his child/ children that that is an acceptable way to behave to a women/ children and another human being.

Him being in custody would be giving me time to get my ducks in a row and saying Out! As in no no. As parents - and I am not perfect please understand when my eldest was 5 I hit him - I referred myself to social services I was struggling and I needed support it took time and slot of soul searching on my part. So I’m not being preachy at all!

You have to see this for what it is. The man has shown and sounds like he constantly showing his true colours.
The scenario of what would it take for you to realised based on what you have said is frightening. @

Please seek help and advise but listen and hear what friends are saying.
I wish you all the best xxx

I think you need to read this thread OP, he really isn’t a great dad.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5342934-hes-a-great-dadno-he-isnt?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

He’s really not a good dad. You need to separate and think about your child and what being raised in a dysfunctional and abusing home is going to be like.

Can you use this time without him to call women's aid or a local charity for support? You absolutely need to be away from him, do not get back together under any circumstances, remorseful or not

No he'd never do anything to our son

Kindly, you're wrong. He already has.

I work with children in a safeguarding role. The law has changed so children who are present during Domestic Abuse incidents are no longer termed "witnesses" to Domestic Abuse, they are "victims" of Domestic Abuse in their own right. This is because there is a wealth of research showing that children in households where Domestic Abuse occurs are at high risk of being impacted emotionally, physically, socially and in terms of their development. The impact can last a lifetime, even if the abuse took place when they were very young. As hard as it may be to accept, your child is a victim of abuse, as are you.

You say your DH is a good Dad. He cannot be a good Dad and hit you in front of your child. Those two things simply cannot co-exist. You may tell yourself it's more complicated than that but it really isn't. You need to protect your child, not just physically but emotionally.

If the Police attended your home address and your child was present they should have made a referral to Children's Services. They will carry out lateral checks which should show if the Police have been called out before. You need to be honest with them, and with yourself about what your child is experiencing at home. They may recommend that your DH does not return home. Ultimately, it's your decision but if you do allow him back then the Police and Children's Services may convene a Strategy Meeting to discuss the risk to your child and if they deem it necessary Child Protection proceedings can be initiated.

I’m going to echo what many other pps have said: he is not a good dad! Please don’t have such a low bar for what you consider ‘good’ because punching you in front of your toddler is so far from being a ‘good dad’ it’s laughable. And quite worrying that you still think he’s a good dad after what happened.

Sorry but you lunged and scratched him first. If someone did that to me I’d probably hit them back as a reflex.

Social services will be informed by the police. Most likely they will get involved if you don’t end the relationship.

She says he was the first to get physical, while she had the child. She later clarified exactly what happened and it's even worse. He pulled the child off her and then tried to pull her off the bed by her ankle.

Your dh does not feel remorse because he will not take responsibility for his violence.

Of course it’s so hard to recover from the shock of what he is doing to you and your darling child. You did not imagine he was capable of such terrible violence but he is op. That’s the sad fact - he will only get worse.

The question you need to ask yourself is am I prepared to run the risk that my little toddler will grow up without a mother? Am I happy to run the risk that one day he could go too far again and I may not live to see my child grow up, or to protect him.

Please contact your GP for an urgent counselling referral and calls women’s aid today. You need so much support op. It’s hard to see when you are in a relationship like this just how far away you are from normal. You are so used to the drip drip effect of abuse, but you can do this op. This is not your fault, you didn’t ask for this or push your luck or do anything to deserve this 💐

he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler

Did you miss this bit?

OMG who is voting for YABU?! Of course a man should feel remorse if the police are called because he has been violent.

You did nothing wrong @WhyDidHehavetodothat and yes, HE is the one who needs to be sorry, and regretful, and remorseful. How on earth is it YOUR fault FGS? He is in the wrong. But yeah, as many posters are saying, you need to get away from this man. He is aggressive and violent, and will only get worse. Your child can't keep seeing this. You need to take steps to get away, and take your child with you. And as many people are saying, no, he is NOT a 'great dad.'

Puts me in mind of someone I know who reported a colleague for stealing from the company, and the reported colleague was then watched, and caught, and they were pulled in to the office and suspended on full pay. Then they had a disciplinary, and they were fired immediately.

But somehow it was the fault of the person who reported the thief, that they were fired! The person who was fired slagged off the person who reported them to everyone they knew, and called them all the names under the sun. Even 4 or 5 of their colleagues started snubbing them, and sided with the 'victim.'

Funny how - in some cases - the person who has done wrong, manages to make themselves a victim. 🙄

neverbeenskiing has got it right and there is no way to be kind or sensitive here; you need a wake up call.

Thankfully, the Police have taken this seriously even if you haven’t. Hopefully, Children’s Services will get involved and make you see your priority is your child’s mental and physical safety. If you aren’t protecting your child you are in danger of having your child removed.

Sadly, there are too many instances where mothers don’t put their children’s safety before their own attachment to their partners and the only thing CS can do is have the children taken into care for their safety. Don’t be one of those mothers.

He needs anger management and you need support (which Children’s Services can give) but first you need to ‘give your head a wobble’.

He is not a great dad if he is assaulting you.

He is not a great partner if he assaults you.

This is a slippery slope. Please get out before it deteriorates further.

For the love of God, stop prioritising you, him and your "relationship" and start prioritising the small child who had to stand and watch his father punch his mother so hard she has a purple bruise and had to call the police for help.

Children are pretty resilient, but they're also impressionable and vulnerable. It isn't ok to keep your child in that environment.

And from the way you talk, it seems you battering each other is quite normal in your home. But it isn't normal and isn't ok.

Fucking hell. He is not a great dad

Great dads don’t grab babies
Great dads don’t put their anger before a baby’s need for food
Great dads don’t allow toddlers to witness violence.

Get some help OP this man has warped your mind so you no longer see what is safe and what is not. You need to protect your children.

OMG who is voting for YABU?! Of course a man should feel remorse if the police are called because he has been violent.

I imagine a lot of them mean that it's unreasonable to think that a performance of sorrow is all that's needed to justify continuing with this dangerous fucked up shitshow of a relationship.

You're being completely delusional.

He's not a good Dad. A father who punches his child's mother IN FRONT OF the child is the absolute worst kind of parent. A mother who allows that to continue is also a very bad mother.

You're not a family any more. That ended the moment you contacted the police. Social services now need to safeguard your child in the way that you won't or can't, and you will need to choose between your violent partner and your child, who is already traumatised.

With remorse or without it, you CANNOT be a family.