To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

Leave this man, do it at a time when he is at work or out for a while but don't warn him as that will put you in danger. I speak from experience: this will only escalate,it won't get better and you have children to care for so you must put you and the children first,please.

What do you think he's teaching your son about how to treat women? YABVU if you don't get the help you need to leave and change your thinking about what makes a great dad.

How is this better!? This man snatched your baby away from you as you were about to feed him, and then dragged you off the bed by your ankle before he punched you?? And your small son watched all this and also found himself snatched away from his mother’s arms?

do you not see how terrifying this is to a child? I’m not at all surprised that there is a no-contact order and I would also not be surprised if social services took steps to keep your son safe if you refuse to do so (this means staying away from this man).

He is NOT A GOOD DAD!

He is not a good dad. You need to repeat that. Good dads wouldn’t even think about doing that to any woman, let alone the mother of their child. He is a horrific example that you need to get your child away from.

In these situations you can never know 100%, if they can do things in the middle of the child, even if they don’t purposely mean to, that’s not the point.
Sorry also, he is not a great dad.
So you was about to feed your toddler which your partner must have known right? But grabbed them off of you, to what? Make it better that they were about to try and pull you off the bed.

No, take it from me, and anyone else who has any insight in to the situation, remorse does not count here, that’s basically saying as long as the person takes responsibility for the situation and their actions, it’s okay. You are more worried about that, than the actual fact that this will continue to go on, and your poor toddler is in the middle of it all.

So surely the police have or will refer this to social services, as they were called for a domestic incident and a child was present.

I see some people have misunderstood post. No, I was about to try feeding him bottle / breast whatever he took but partner grabbed baby off me and pulled at my ankle trying to pull me off bed. That angered me as I always said we need restrict our arguments around our toddler. The punches came when toddler was stood in the room.

This further explanation really doesn’t make him, the situation or the relationship sound any better, OP. It’s genuinely horrifying that all this happened with a tiny child in the middle of it, escalated to police involvement, and it’s so normalised for you that you think him not saying sorry is the main problem.

You are in an unsafe and dysfunctional household and need to remove your child as a matter of urgency.

Even if your baby comes to no physical harm, he/she is already being emotionally and developmentally damaged, and is on the road to having a very fucked up notion of what normal adult interactions and healthy relationships look like.

YABU

Not fair on child to be raised in a violent household. Does them terrible harm long term.

Are you seriously considering staying with this idiot? You don’t think your child deserves better than watching his dad whallop his mother? Really? You said ‘he adores our son and would never hurt him, but then went on to say he ‘grabbed’ him away from you when you were trying to feed him. He’s scum.

While he started it, he will see that you also hit him and didn’t get any punishment/ humiliation of going to a police cell. I had a partner who had hit me so I pushed him out of the house and locked the door. I offered him my card to pay for a hotel for the night and offered to get clothes for him. For a very long time he honestly believed he was the injured party for being kicked out.

These men don’t think rationally. He won’t really be sorry, even if he says he is. He may also start mentally winding you up so you physically react and then you get taken away by the police. None of this is healthy.

You need to start making an exit plan as domestic abuse never de-escalates.

I urge you to read the book Why Does He Do This- by Lundy Bancroft. You can normally get a free pdf copy if you type into google. A revolutionary book that essentially says : “99.9% of men will not change as they get benefits from abusing their partners. So it’s not worth staying.”

No he'd never do anything to our son, he absolutely adores him. He is actually a great dad and I would never want to separate a child from his dad.

Your husband has already abused your son by hitting his mother in front of him. Your poor toddler must be utterly traumatised. You need to protect him by leaving his abusive father.

I see some people have misunderstood post. No, I was about to try feeding him bottle / breast whatever he took but partner grabbed baby off me and pulled at my ankle trying to pull me off bed.
It’s mind boggling that you say that this is good dad behaviour- even an average dad would not have behaved like this. You say that he wouldn’t hurt your child but he grabbed him (which is scary at best, scary and painful at worst) and was going to physically hurt you more while baby was in the same room. That’s damaging and abusive behaviour for you and your son to experience. Open your eyes and think of your son - not how rubbish it is looking after him alone. He needs you and his dad to put him first.

Oh honey, that is in no way acceptable. He's shown you who he is.

"Remorse" is easy, until it happens again. It will become a pattern of violence, remorse, forgiveness until it happens again. I've been married 20 years and an argument has never been physical or violent

It's not a good thing to let your son see as he will think it's normal. Nor is someone always needing to be right.

You need to show your child that being treated that way is not how you wanted be treated

I’ve been that toddler witnessing domestic violence. Your child will grow up traumatised as a result of what both you and your child’s father are putting them through.

I get that you’re feeling vulnerable and want people to be sensitive. But your child is currently experiencing child abuse. Their father doesn’t need to physically hurt them for them to be abused. And the fact that you are also a victim of domestic violence doesn’t absolve you of responsibility to protect your child from this abuse. If you choose not to, then that will be on you.

I can’t tell you how this trauma will manifest itself in your child in the future. But it will show itself. It could be your child becoming violent themselves, or living a life of constant hyper vigilance, or incredibly low self esteem and depression, or tolerating abusive relationships themselves. One thing is certain is that if your child experiences what you have described they will experience the effects of that for the rest of their life.

Some people cannot be reached as they don’t want to hear sensible advice. They will continue with harmful and hateful relationships and keep coming back to MN with the same questions in a toxic loop.

Thousands of women do each year, it is where children learn ot from to grow up and do the same, and the cycle continues

Remorse matters, without it I can't see us remaining a family.
Based on your posts, I think you won’t be able to judge if he’s truly remorseful or not as you clearly want some sort of sign that it’s ok to take him back.

Subjecting children to witnessing adult on adult abuse is also child abuse OP.

Do you want to be complicit in that?

My cousin stayed with her "remorseful" boyfriend and had her kids removed from her.

If you'd do anything for your child, leave this abusive man.

a great father does physically attack his partner. a great father does not pull a child off their parent while feeding. a great father does escalate arguments to violence in front of their child.

come on OP. what're you rationalising here.

you are in a fractious and explosive relationship. please leave for yours and your child benefits. he doesn't need to "see" to feel remorse, if he felt remorse he wouldn't have hit you in the first place.

Your poor poor child. Imagine seeing that behaviour. Horrible.

I hope he never 'shows remorse' and you realise your situation.

I don’t see the point of remorse or an apology. For many that is the cycle of abuse. Please find a way to leave.

No - this isn’t a ‘both are violent’ situation.

As OP pointed out, he hit her first. She was breastfeeding at the time.

It is an automatic response to defend yourself when being attacked. Would you just sit and let someone attack you?

and women don’t start fights when breast feeding.

even if this was a situation where both were violent ( which I’m doubtful exists), there would need to be a pattern where he was being hit first- numerous times.

you are both making very poor decisions that will effect your child's outcomes in life. get it together ffs

I can't believe you've not left him and have let him back into your home.

You need to leave immediately. If you can't keep him out of the home (i.e. if it's his) you need to get yourself and child to a place of safety, i.e. abused mother's temporary home.

Physical assault (which is what it is) is serious abuse. Even if it's the first time, it won't be the last time. He's showed his true colours.

Leave the bastard. Now!

I have seen kids who grow up in this environment and it absolutely ruins their mental heath. It sounds like what you’re saying is I want him to sound and look really sorry so I can justify having him back. That’s not going to happen and even if it does it will be a matter of weeks before it all happens again.

If you take him back, best case scenario you’re still alive in 10 years time with a very unhappy and disturbed child. Worst case you’re in a grave and your child is in care.

This is insane.

Do you come from an abusive household yourself, so you can't see how very very bad this is for your child?

You MUST leave this man.

You are focused on an apology - it's a complete irrelevance.

'Sorry' won't undo what your toddler has seen, and is guaranteed to see more of in the future if you don't end this relationship right now.

He is NOT A GOOD DAD.

Jesus Christ.