To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

He isn’t a good dad. Crikey, I find it really worrying that you could possibly think that he is, when he has grabbed the child from you and attacked you in front of him.

Remorse is irrelevant. You are both violent and the relationship is clearly extremely toxic. You should separate before further damage can be done. Quickly.

"Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical"

Nothing after that sentence matters. This relationship is toxic and physically abusive. End it now.

This.
Could you clarify -you said that your husband was first to get physical, but then you say that he hit you after you lunged at him and scratched him?

No he'd never do anything to our son, he absolutely adores him.

He assaulted your child’s mum in front of him - that’s “doing something” to your child - making him a witness to violence and creating an unsafe home for him. Regardless of whether he feels remorse your child deserves a safe place to live.

“No he'd never do anything to our son, he absolutely adores him. He is actually a great dad and I would never want to separate a child from his dad.”

Oh dear op. This violence will already be affecting your child. The trauma has lifelong consequences. He is NOT a great dad.

He is a piss poor waste of oxygen that pulls a child away from the safety of his mother to drag and punch her. “Great” dads don’t do that. “Great” men are able to control their emotions and do the right thing - even when they’re in the middle of an argument. Wake up.

I wouldn’t care what he said as I wouldn’t be having any further contact with him whatsoever.

Not sure if you were trying to justify things here but IMO you’ve just made it sound worse. Why was he pulling at your ankles to pull you off the bed? So he could then get at you to punch you?

take a breather, come back and read what you have written.

as to not separating your child from an abusive father, the alternative is staying is subjecting your child to witnessing abuse and domestic violence which in itself if abuse. Spare your child this toxicity

To be honest, I don't think any of them feel remorse or anything remotely approaching what females feel. You can't fight biology. My best male friend at uni, a self-confessed 'empathetic person' sat down and ate a meal 2 hours after his mum died. My female friends behaved differently at the physiological level after bereavements. But the point is not what they feel - we can never find out what other people feel, but how he behaves - you have to leave abusers, you can't live with them.

Domestic abuse can impact children to such an extent, that the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises that any child witnessing domestic abuse, is also a victim. Children who witness domestic violence face a multitude of challenges that can significantly impact their emotional, social, and psychological development.

My niece was 21 Months old when her mum left her dad due to domestic violence. At 15 years old she had some flashbacks that made no sense to her but when she described them they were memories of the violence she had witnessed.

‘Restrict your fights around your toddler’ - how about not being in a relationship that is so toxic, unhealthy, aggressive and violent (both ways), full stop?!

He is actually a great dad and I would never want to separate a child from his dad.

He is NOT a great Dad, he's argued with you, he's hit you, he's pulled you off the bed with your toddler witnessing that!

LEAVE HIM.

He is actually a great dad

I KNEW you were going to say this. I KNEW it.

He is NOT a great dad. A great dad doesn't assault the mother of his children and he certainly doesn't assault her while she's holding the child. He's already done something to his son by doing this. He pulled the child off you and then pulled you off the bed by your ankle. Do you think it's going to get better as your child grows up and gets more autonomous? Most likely starts copying what he sees at home?

He attacked you, you two ended up having a physical fight with your child right there (it sounds as though you acted in self defence after he attacked you first but whatever the truth of the matter, it was a violent shitshow), he ended up in custody and is now trying to make you think the slate is clean and you think this is great parenting?

Come on, OP. I am sure you loved him once, I'm sure you can think of nice things he's done, but he also does this. He's violent, angry, dangerous and he isn't going to turn into the Dalai Lama. It's not great parenting because he pulled the child off you right before he started attacking you!

Even if he did show remorse, which he isn't, that doesn't mean anything without change and violent men change so rarely I wouldn't bet a pound on it, let alone my child's safety and mine.

Please, I beg you, don't decide to stay because it's so hard to admit he isn't who you thought he was and to take your heart back and make changes, and tell yourself that it's actually the moral thing to do because you're not separating a great dad from his child. I am that child and I assure you that I do not thank my mother for it.

Remaining as a family?!?!? My god, you are damaging your child by raising him in this household!!!! This relationship needs to end. You’re both being violent in front of a child. This is NOT ok!!!!

That angered me as I always said we need restrict our arguments around our toddler.

How often do you argue?

Also presumably social services will have been informed.

Also OP, you say you've already talked about restricting arguments in front of the child. How many arguments do you have??

And something I don't think you've mentioned even though you say he's a great dad...how did your child react while all this was happening? Calm and happy, was he?

As others have said, he is not a great dad - he assaulted the mother of his child in front of the child. This is child abuse.

Instead of focusing on him showing remorse, you should be thinking about how you can protect yourself and your child from further abuse. This is not a relationship that needs saving. You need to leave.

Your update makes it sound worse, not better.

Children’s Services (formerly social services) WILL be informed. They will be looking at what you do next to ensure the safety of your child. A sorry from him IS NOT IT!

I have been in your position. Having the authorities involved in your family is an eye opener for sure. Fortunately I didn’t live with my abuser so it was easy to cut ties. Had I continued in the relationship my fitness to parent my children would have been questioned. This was made very clear to me.

Stupidly I went back.

As it happened my ex was contrite, made all the right noises about anger management, self help books etc, how being arrested had been a turning point. Only to do the same thing several years later. These men don’t change. They just let you forget about it long enough that you’re vulnerable to it again.

Please for yourself and your child, get some counselling, find your self esteem and the anger that will help you protect your child from this. Even if you swear your H would never hurt your child because he adores them - isn’t he supposed to adore you?

This. You risk losing your children if you don’t end this relationship now.
He’s not a great dad and you’re not a great mum if you stay with him.
You need to set the bar way higher if this is the life you are happy either way for you and your children.

Abusive men (whether that’s physical, emotional or financial) never feel genuine remorse. If they did they would have the sort of mindset, empathy and values already in place that stops them behaving like that ever.

You are both abusing your child by continuing like this. Forget him. It's your child you need to worry about. I'm sorry for what you've gone through but to be honest, you shouldn't be focused on what he feels or thinks right now. It's not important. Exposure to domestic abuse is child abuse and your only focus needs to be your child right now which means ending the relationship and supporting them through the abuse they have faced.

At the point that you were even arguing in front of your breast feeding toddler you lost me, but then you lunged at him and scratched him? What possessed you? You've both behaved terribly but he could have easily missed when punching your arm and seriously hurt your child. He should be absolutely ashamed. You say it's never gone this far before but it sounds as if heated rows with pushing and shoving are common. This relationship is not a healthy one.

And I think it's probably time to stop BFing your toddler. You are very much mistaken and you have very warped priorities if you think it's doing them any good while all this other shit is going on around them. Fiddling while Rome burns is the phrase that comes to mind. Your child is being mentally and emotionally damaged and absorbing unhealthy relationship behaviours, but hey, he's being breast fed until he's old enough to work an ipad.

Why did you have kids with someone you thought would punch you? Because that’s the implication - if you’re confident he’ll never hit your kids, you must have always had a feeling he might hit you.

And to provide context - it is not normal to think that.

If you used to think he’d never hit you, then he’s already proved your judgement of him is skewed.

I’d also venture to say any man that hits his child’s mother in front of that child is NOT a great dad, and is doing irreparable mental harm to that child.

This is not your fault, breaking up the family as a result of this is not your fault. Staying with him and jeopardising your children’s mental and physical safety would be your fault though. You need to work out how you can leave.

Most abusers show remorse, but don’t really regret their actions, they regret the short term implications. It’s a rare story of a man who hits his wife once in his lifetime.

Hold onto your hurt and anger and the fact he’s not showing any remorse and use this to fuel your exit plan. You owe it to yourself and your children.

This is one of the saddest threads I've read on here. I believe abuse has become so normal in the op's relationship she doesn't realise how absolutely horrific what she's described sounds.

I really hope that you have some kind of real life support op, whether through friends and family or women's aid.

Look I’m just going to be blunt and frank here.

you’re a victim of domestic violence, accept that.

Part of accepting that means you need to accept that you are not currently thinking straight - you’re stuck in his manipulation and running on adrenaline. You’re wanting to him to make everything ok by showing remorse or whatever or remain “a family”. Instead of just calling it a day and realising the type of man he is?

Why do you want him to “see” your bruise as opposed to taking action to prevent yourself from never getting bruises from him again ie not seeing him? He would surely realise how much he fucked up when you assert boundaries and get away from him permanently. The fact you think it’s ok to have volatile arguments as long as you restrict your toddler being around is indicative of a fucked up mindset.

The police ordered no contact for a reason. I assure you that the police wouldn’t bother saying that if they could get away with that. They deal with domestic disputes where they probably do tell couples to cool off and speak to each other in the morning, then take no further action, but that isn’t the case here.

It’s your life at the end of the day but as you say, he likely feels “punished enough” that the police are involved and he’ll get his revenge on you soon enough.