To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

Only one child. Referred to DS as toddler and baby but he is 17months and still take breast when he is unsettled / wants comfort.

@JamesWebbSpaceTelescope thank you for making it very clear that there were a lot of posts trying to shame me for retaliating after trying to ignore the first instance of being pulled off the bed. Interestingly my original post never asked for judgement of who was worse, or weather it was justified or not but I got plenty of comments along that line.

I guess what I was hoping for was some reassurance that calling the police was justified - as I have been made to believe, by others, that out of everything this was the most unforgivable act - that in doing so it's caused so much upheaval that it's no wonder my partner couldn't bring himself to express any remorse because of what he has been through.

It has been almost a week since this happened and right now is the first moment I am getting to sit away from the house with someone watching baby as he sleeps and I can get moment to myself.

The police never even got in touch after he had collected his belongings to even tell me how long bail would last. When I called 101 for an update the referred to me as uncooperative because I didn't provide a statement. Charming.
Their idea of support was sending me a text message to a link to a website.
I have told one family member and he has visited me in person. Another friend visited on the day...but didn't really have much to say and wanted to share news updates of mutual friends...it was a bit surreal, me apologising I didn't have nicer be
Iscuits to offer while making her a cuppa. His mum called to ask when I would next be coming over and I've had to just act like nothing is happening until I can think clearly.

@WhyDidHehavetodothat could I ask, why didn't you give a statement?

Glad you got some time to yourself. It has been a hard week for you, i think you've been given some fantastic advice. Kindly, I would reconsider and give a statement because contact with your child may be the next issue/form of control and a police report would support your child. Just consider, it isn't too late.

You absolutely did the right thing calling the police, and should done so a long time ago op. Let them carry on ignoring the abuse you are going through, but you don’t have to play along. Lots of people do this when they have no idea how to handle situations or what to say.

You are the survivor here, and as such you call the next shots. Bail could last for six months or longer.

Turns out it's just 12 days. Half of which has passed already.

Totally understandable to be second guessing yourself in this situation. I promise you absolutely did the right thing in calling the police. I’m shocked someone said you were being obstructive for not giving a statement. Anyone who has a clue about domestic violence should know it’s not always that easy. Have you ended the relationship now?

The thought of going to a police station to give a statement - I don't even know how it's done - from TV I have the image of sitting in some small room with tape recorder on lol all sounds like a horrible situation to put myself in and all whilst holding my toddler and then making my way back on public transport in an area I'm not yet that familiar with. I would rather not deal with the police, ever again, I didn't find them particularly helpful. Apparently when one of the heard of my concerns about how I'd manage childcare on my own their response was I'd manage and that is 'the wife's problem'.

If I were to be objective and consider just the facts and the law and so on then yes I do think I was well within my rights to call the police but if could rewind to that point than no, I don't think I would call them, instead I'd call a friend or neighbour.

I’m sorry OP, but what you are saying is really weird. Why did you call the police then? What did you expect them to do?

OP if you drop it it could make things a lot harder for you in the long run if you need evidence.

Have you been in contact with a domestic abuse agency for support? Have social services been in contact?

He could end up killing you, causing a disability and the abuse will effect your child. My advice is to make a statement and stop this from escalating. Victim Support have a 24/7 chat line if you have questions. You can contact Rights of Women for free legal advice.

Post separation abuse is known to become far worse as their ability to control you lessens, they hold on tighter and behaviour becomes more eratic and often/always children are used as a tool. So by not going through official channels like the police you may be setting yourself for worse in the future. Protect your child.

As someone said, next time could be far, far worse.

The police have good and bad parts, but I had nothing but kindness when I went and spoke to them after the event.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but to me it sounds like you aren't fully out of this relationship and are now backtracking to try and make this 'all better'... which is completely wrong. Your child is not safe. You are not safe.

You did the right thing calling the police. Do not go back now, for your child's sake if not your own.

OP if you're in England or Wales then bail lasts for 3 months. He might have a date to return to the police station in 12 days but the bail will still be in place for 3 months unless he is NFA'd (no further action) earlier. If the investigation takes longer than 3 months then bail can be extended.

With regards to providing a statement, if you refuse then you are classed as "unsupportive", not supportive of a prosecution. Typically the police can't do anything without the support of the victim - the CPS simply won't charge unless the victim supports. It can be different in DV cases as police and CPS understand how difficult it can be for a victim to provide evidence, however victimless prosecutions are rare as it will require other strong evidence to prove what has happened, such as witnesses or CCTV.

If you think you could bring yourself to support, then providing a statement would typically be a case of sitting down with an officer somewhere that you feel comfortable - your house, the station, a friend's house - and talking them through what happened in as much detail as possible. They will write it down and put it in a statement and you then read it through and if you're happy, you sign it. You could even do it over the phone if you wished and they can send it to you via email for signing. In some case (certain offences or if you're classed as an intimidated witness through fear of the perpetrator, which DV victims often are) you can provide your statement by way of a video interview. This would involve sitting in a room with a police officer and being audibly and visually recorded whilst you talk about what happened but even if you are classed as an intimidated witness, you don't have to be recorded, you can still choose to do a written statement.

If you're not in England or Wales then disregard what I've said about bail as I don't know how it works in other jurisdictions, but please consider giving a statement. There is so much more protection a court can offer you if he is convicted (restraining order). Alternatively you can speak with the NCDV and they can assist you in getting a non-molestation order.

From my experience, the police will refer you to social services, and they'll be looking for you to protect your child by not taking him back (that's their official stance, though many social workers do realise it's not always that easy to leave, and it can take multiple instances of violence before people get the courage to leave). I'm not sure how they'd take you not giving a statement? Are you planning to take him back?

The job of the police is to arrest and charge the perpetrator. They can't do that if you won't co-operate, and refusing to give a statement is very unco-operative.

Supporting you is down to domestic violence support services, and your family and friends.

Social services hopefully will input

@WhyDidHehavetodothat OP, I hope you’re doing ok. The first step might be difficult, but you do need more IRL support. I’m not sure what more the police can do if you’re not willing to make a statement. Although it might not be nice to hear, especially if you’re feeling emotionally fragile, but perhaps that’s what was meant by being “uncooperative”? I do hope you were able to contact Women’s Aid and you’re able to get help from the domestic violence support services.

If you don't give a statement then the bail conditions will be lifted and he will walk right back into the house, extremely angry with you, and he will hit and abuse you again.
If you don't give a statement then when social services get involved they will see you as not being protective enough.
if you don't give a statement he will abuse you again and cause even more harm to your child. He may cause your child to be removed from your care if he continues to abuse you and you don't take action to stop him.
If you don't give a statement and you decide to separate from him in future you'll have no evidence to prove he's abusive so you can get legal aid to help you in court or put any restrictions around his contact with your child.

Please reconsider. He's not remorseful because he thinks he has the right to hit you and abuse you in front of your child. He's going to come back even worse. If you give a statement they can prosecute him and help keep you safe.

This.

Get out now, for the sake of your child. No-one should be brought up in that environment.

What your dh thinks is irrelevant. He is a violent creep who hits women (and will hit children whatever you think now).

Your over-riding responsibility now is to get your child away from this man. And speaking as a single mum with no family support, you will manage childcare. You'll cope, honestly, you will.

You did the right thing by calling the police.
Are you familiar with the terms gaslighting and DARVO? Twisting things around to make you the one at fault is classic abusive behaviour. It’s like their fragile egos wouldn’t survive the realisation that they’re in the wrong, so they wriggle around twisting the facts until they’ve satisfied themselves that they’re the poor victim.

I’m so sorry that your experience with the police has been so bad. It’s not easy and if you don’t have decent irl support, would you reach out to woman’s aid, or give your gp a call and see what other DV support services are available.

I agree that it’s a huge mistake to think of women experiencing DV as passive victims. In fact, I think it clouds the issue for a lot of women who can fail to recognise the abuse properly because they see themselves as strong.

When you couple that with growing up in a DV home, it gets complicated. Being able to stand up for yourself, or not taking abuse lying down, feels like a strong thing. But a woman who didn’t grow up with it, and has high standards would kick men like this to the kerb long before it got to this stage at all. When you get a chance google the shark cage theory of abuse.

You’ve done the right thing, but now you’re in that awful transition between one life and another. There’s a great future waiting for you on the other side but you have to walk through a dark tunnel to get there. But you’ve done the first hard thing so don’t throw it away. Do the next thing. And the next after that.

On average it takes something like seven goes to leave an abusive marriage and that’s only counting the ones that don’t get killed first. Help bring that average down op. And let us help you do it.

MN relationships board used to be one of the most powerful places on the internet. There’s a lot of posters infiltrating it now, who know exactly what they’re doing. But there’s still a great bunch of vipers here who will help you get yourself through that tunnel.

you can do this.

@Blobbitymacblob
i only joined Mumsnet last year- please could you explain this remark:

MN relationships board used to be one of the most powerful places on the internet. There’s a lot of posters infiltrating it now, who know exactly what they’re doing.