Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

Its just my opinion but yes I think you would be eligible for an annulment. 1. because of the no consummation and 2. because of the trans situation- hiding this part of his personality from you.
Im sorry it must be very hard.

My thoughts are with u OP.

I haven't been in your shoes but I'd get legal advice re the annulment. Even if it's not possible then divorce would be. You didn't agree to marry a woman and if he wants to transition to live as one then you don't owe him anything. Check out Trans Widows Voices for support from people who have been where you are.

Get annulment. You thought you married a man and know he wants to be a woman. That's not on. I would be so disgusted by him for not coming clean before. So sorry OP.

Not sure how you can claim it’s not been consummated when you have a kid together.

No advice but I am so deeply sorry that you are going through this. Sending prayers your way !

Would he be looking to get a Gender recognition certificate (GRC) or just self-id?

Does he think that women are female (hence thinking about physical transition) and /or does he think that being feminine, or some other trait, is what makes you female/a woman (or is incompatible with being a man)? If the latter, I'd be concerned about old-fashioned sexist views as well.

Pop onto the transwidows thread for support too

This is my point though - we have had sex previously but not since we actually got married?

Your H has been very deceptive. He likely has had these feelings longer than 12 weeks but was waiting to tie you down, as it were, with marriage. I would see a lawyer about annulment. Maybe see if you can get him to admit to not consummating the marriage in writing first as surely it’s just your word against his if he is against it.

That’s really your contribution to this?

This is so awful @confusedpasty you have my deepest sympathies and it’s completely understandable you wouldn’t choose to stay with them after this. If he’d spoken to you before the marriage things might have been different but it’s very deceptive to have waited until you were married to drop this bombshell, after 7 years and a kid together.

Seek legal advice, but you can seek an annulment for:

• Non-consummation (only applies to opposite-sex marriages; not a reason for annulment in same-sex marriages).

And the marriage has not been consummated - as you haven’t had sex since the marriage ceremony.

• One party was in the process of transitioning gender (and didn’t disclose this to their partner before the marriage).

Would he be open to annulment? If the relationship is over is it likely he’d contest it / make up that it was consummated?

But it is an opposite sex marriage

Look like you can apply for one

www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage

I thought the same. But perhaps legally then if the union is not consummated after the marriage ceremony then perhaps annulment is possible. You will need to seek legal advice on this.

Is he actually gay, but feels that being trans is somehow more acceptable?

Either way, if you actually, genuinely love him, maybe wait until you’ve had chance to get over the shock and look into therapy for him. He’s clearly got huge issues and needs support.

You want @TinselAngel and https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

A couple I know got an annulment even though they already had a child. They married when their child was a toddler and the marriage was never consummated. This was the 1970s.

Separate immediately anyway and figure out whether an annulment or a divorce is the better option.. Annullment probably would be quicker but you do need to get legal advice as to whether all the rights under a divorce also apply to an annulment.

You need proper legal advice, if I remember correctly annulment doesn’t entitle you to the usual things divorce does as you’re saying you were never truly married so if there’s any property or assets to be divided divorce may be better.

2 grounds for annulment apply - (1) non consummation after the marriage and (2) one partner to the marriage is transitioning

Don’t let anyone guilt you into supporting him or staying unless you decide you’re absolutely certain that’s what you want to do.

Thank you for this, I believe those would apply to this situation. Because yes we have had sex before of course and share a child, but surely consummation means sex after the actual marriage which hasn’t happened. Not to mention the trans part.
He said he wouldn’t be open to annulment as he basically feels we should stick together for better or worse! But I hope he may be willing to talk again once the dust settles a little. I don’t see how we can come back from this

Thank you. Good point. We don’t own our house or have much money in savings so besides our son, there probably isn’t much to split or sort. But yes it would be wise to seek proper advice once my head is a bit straighter

@confusedpasty not sure if my experience can help but just in case I’ll share. So for cultural reasons, with my ex DH we never had pre marital sex. Post marriage, I found out he was essentially impotent. Wasn’t end of the world for me and I persuaded him to visit GP but he wouldn’t. So I applied for an annulment which he didn’t contest and it was eventually awarded to me when I applied for it approx 6 months after the marriage. I remember I had to make a few visits in person to the court as well as pay a solicitor for the privilege of course. My personal belief is that your OH deceived you into believing you’d have a traditional marriage with expectations of marital intercourse as part of core conjugal rights and the fact that this hasn’t materialised and seemingly never will should be grounds for annulment- regardless of what your sex life was pre-marriage.