Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

If he contests the annulment then there’s even more reason to push for it. He’s lied going into the marriage and is now not respecting your wishes and trying to make things more difficult for you. It really sounds like he thought he could trap you with this marriage.

See a solicitor, OP - you can book an initial, free appointment. You want to find out what your position is, legally, as concerns annulment/ divorce.
If you can get together some initial facts around your finances, too, it’ll mean you can get as much as possible out of this preliminary, free meeting:
His/ your salary
Value of your house/ outstanding mortgage
Any savings
Any debts
His/ your pension situation

I’m so sorry.

This sounds so awful op, so sorry you're going through this. I hope you can get an annulment, you absolutely don't have any obligation to 'stick it out'. Obviously given you have a child, you'll always be tied to your husband as co parents and there is no reason why that can't be harmonious if you both prioritise your child. Over time, you may choose to support him in a friendship capacity too, but that's a personal choice too. But for now, focus on you and what support YOU need to get through this huge shock and upheaval.

But never the cleaning, remembering family birthdays, arranging playdates, or any of the rest of the wifework. Just the fetishy stuff.

Funny that.

Few people asking why I want an annulment. To be honest I just have this feeling that I want it all over quickly and I thought maybe this will be quicker. Maybe I’m wrong about that though, who knows. I also just feel like an annulment is the correct thing - I don’t think I’m choosing divorce or separation, the end of the marriage has chosen me basically because it’s all just a lie to me now.

OP, you need to get an annulment and definitely do not give in to his emotional blackmail. This is an awful situation for you. He has been dishonest and, as other posters have said, chose not to disclose his feelings about being transgender before you got married.

Do not consummate the marriage and, instead, take steps to annul the marriage. You will regret it if you don’t. Nice guy though he might have been, things have changed and he isn’t who you thought he was. He can never be the person you thought he was.

💐 for you. Please remember you have done nothing wrong. This is all on him.

Did you have any thoughts on when he could ‘love her’ through the aftermath of pregnancy, childbirth and new motherhood and looking after a newborn? 🤔

This happened to my brother. His wife decided all of sudden that she is now a man. They had a child together and it’s been a few years now but it has been an absolute shit show for their child. The wife is a completely self centred narcissist whose entire identity is being trans. The child has not had a stable home life with a loving mother. She has a mother now that looks somewhat like a man and doesn’t accept anyone making a mistake with her pronouns, including her child. The whole thing is a big fat fucking mess and I feel for everyone in its orbit.
My advice to you would be to get out ASAP and concentrate on making your child’s life as stable as you can whilst your husband does his best to fuck it all up.

Lots of message here for you OP. In amongst everything regarding your marriage, please never allow this man to tell ask his child to call him "mum" or any variation of the words we use for mothers. Do not allow him to tell your son that he is a woman. Do not allow anyone else to tell your child that his father is a woman.

Please, fiercely protect your DC.

You may find some of the blogs here helpful:

Our Moral Obligation to the Truth – Children of Transitioners

Good for you OP.
@BrickJoker you are taking this piss out of OP, and so is her husband. Didn't feel "safe enough" to share this information until she'd married him? Yeah right.
I suppose she should feel privileged to be his crutch while everything becomes all about him and she's just leeched?

She feels hurt and decided because he's hurt and deceived her and he could have prevented the situation being so awful by not going through with the wedding, even if he didn't feel "safe enough" to say why.

He's felt safe enough to gamble on her staying with him as his support human though didn't he? Presumably thinking she'd be too embarrassed at telling everyone the marriage was over so quickly, and she'd go with sunk cost fallacy.

OP doesn’t owe him that. The last person you can expect support from in cases where one spouse has not been upfront about the sexuality or gender identity is their husband or wife, who will often be battling their own feelings of betrayal. Sure, sometimes partners or spouses feel they can or want to support their partner or ex partner through coming out or transitioning, but it shouldn’t be an expectation. If a partner did this to me I would struggle to be civil. I’d never want to see them again and if it was the father of my child and I had to have ongoing contact I’d have to put in a system so I wouldn’t have to discuss anything other than the kids.

He can't force you to stay married to him, surely. If he is trans then that is fundamentally not what you signed up for and presumably you wanted to marry a man not a woman.

Set yourself free from this marriage. Support your child, but set yourself free

Exactly OP. This is why it is an annulment. You entered into a heterosexual marriage with someone who was never going to be able to fulfil their part of the marriage contract.

You are doing the right thing. Don’t doubt yourself. Move on.

Don’t get too hung up on the annulment idea OP. Ask for one, but if it gets too complicated you don’t need to prove anything or have his agreement to divorce him.

Maybe it’s only after marriage that counts for annulment. After all if you had sex with someone then didn’t see them again for twenty years and got married you can’t say it makes the marriage consummated.

Renee Zellweger got an annulment for ‘fraud’, I’d say you have a similar case.

Yep ... get out as fast as you can. See a solicitor and get an annulment. Your husband is going down a road that will be very self cantered and a nightmare for everyone involved.

You'd have to wait a year to get divorced as my DBro discovered when his wife scarpered after 5 months. Annulments don't have that rule and you've got grounds on both non- consummation and the sudden transgender declaration.

Him having his cake and wanting to eat it would be dead in the water if it were me.
I hope you can get some helpful advice and support.

The baby is 14 months old she said married 3 months and 12 weeks after the wedding she tried to initiate of course she can say not consummated the marriage!

I don't think it's usually these people's intention to deceive or tie anyone down beyond themselves. Sounds like he was lying to himself and doing everything to have a normal life and be a normal man until even getting married didn't help. I doubt if he would cause too much obstruction to ending the marriage if that's what the wife wants. Just a case of whether annulment or divorce.

Just no.

I looked up BrickJoker.

41 posts ever. All pretty unpleasant and judgemental to my eye, but fully 16 on trans-related threads. Given the writing style I find that interesting.

he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly,
The cruel, selfish bastard.

I feel that I cannot do this
Good for you.

I haven't been there, I don't know about annulments. But get out of this relationship whatever way you can. He duped you. He knew this all along.

The very first post says that he said he would contest an annulment.

No @BrickJoker she should not put his needs above her own. If she is not a lesbian (the type who would accept trans women) and she feels deceived by him, then his feelings are completely unimportant in her decision making process. He didn't think about her, so why should she consider him now.

I think the sex is all a red herring.
you married a man. He’s not a man anymore - that’s enough to demand an annulment or divorce.
You don’t owe anyone any answers; leaving your marriage because you want to is completely valid and you don’t owe a justification to anyone.
Id be disgusted by him lack of honesty and wonder what he really thinks a woman is. I’d be looking to get him out of my life tbh.
best of luck xx