Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

According to this, the OP can apply for an annulment on both grounds - failure to consummate and the husband's transition. The sooner the better, given the time limit.

www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage

I’d apply for an annulment but if not a divorce.

Of he chooses to be trans that’s his business but it was really unfair of him to hide it from you and force a marriage based on him knowing it was a lie.

Don't wait. He's trying to outwait the time limit for an annulment. He might also try to avoid the non-consummation clause.

Also because as I understand it there is a different treatment of marital assets with an annulment than a divorce.

I don’t think I could get past the deception. Plus are you comfortable with now being a lesbian?

What he wants now isn’t important now, the only thing that matters now is what you want. I know it is easier to say than do but I would be putting in that application for annulment right now.

Do you have anything in writing (texts etc) that confirms he is transitioning and the lack of sex? If not, then I would send him some fishing messages first and get the evidence. He deceived you first you do not owe him loyalty.

You can apply for it to be annulled under two categories. Not consummated and because one person is transitioning to the opposite gender. If it’s annulled it’s like it never happened legally so this will impact your assets. So for example if he owned the house you won’t have any marital rights to it etc.

Yes - if you had a previously sexual relationship but haven't had sex since the marriage you can still get an annulment - see Ford v Ford, [1987] Fam Law 232

There is a provision allowing annulment if your spouse gets a Gender Recognition Certificate but that will only apply if he goes down that route. Most trans people do not seek a GRC.

You will need some proper legal advice.

https://www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage

and in particular

You can annul a marriage for a number of reasons, such as:

• it was not consummated - you have not had sexual intercourse with the person you married since the wedding (does not apply for same sex couples)
• you did not properly consent to the marriage - for example you were forced into it
• the other person had a sexually transmitted disease (STD) when you got married
• your spouse was pregnant by someone else when you got married
• one spouse is in the process of transitioning to a different gender

This. Speak to a Solicitor. Stop listening to him. He is trying to manipulate you.

not behaving like his true self?
always with the drama and Narcacism of a toddler. What other group in society talk so regularly about disregarding anyone elses feelings for their ‘true self’

You can annul a marriage for a number of reasons, such as:
it was not consummated - you have not had sexual intercourse with the person you married since the wedding

As others say, find out which offers you better protection divorce or annulment and pursue that one...I agree he's deceived you and you should seek out the transwidows threads.

Of course he wants you to support him, makes life so much easier for him but risks damaging you. You don't owe it to him at all and he's behaved very badly towards you.

You wanting a divorce/annulment is recognising your spouse as the gender they wish to be

They want to be recognised as a woman - you don't want to be married to a woman because you don't identify as gay/bisexual

This. Run for the hills, OP.

He's trying to trap you - either so that you can be his emotional support animal and run yourself ragged tending to his needs, or so that you can serve as inspiration for the fetish / as a 24 hr validation machine / as a gateway into women's spaces.

He has deceived you in the worst way. Even if you take all the stunning and brave "this is the true me" guff at face value, there's no way he just figured this out. He has to have at least suspected it before the wedding. He showed no care for you then, and he's showing even less now. Even if you believe in trans, the decent way for him to handle this would be to set you free and make amends for wasting your time. Not guilt-trip you into staying with him.

Get out now and don't look back. You deserve much better than this narcissistic user.

What the actual fuck?!?!

her husband is a liar. You do not stay married to liars. He is also trying to emotionally blackmail her. Abusers do that. He is also mentally unstable.

and finally, she is absolutely free to end any relationship at any time.

Oh come off it. She can still care about him, but what he has revealed undermines the very foundation of a marriage - hence the very limited circumstances in which the law permits annulment. The idea that this is about the OP’s selfishness is ridiculous.

Yeah, no. OP's partner lied to her and tricked her into marriage, and is refusing to listen to her wishes now.

She's as much of a full human being as he is, with her own truths and needs. She also has to focus on what is right for their child, while he seems to be focusing solely on what is right for him.

She's not his emotional support animal, and it's not "selfish" of her to be expected to change her entire life, including her sexual orientation, just for his benefit.

They had the child before marriage.

The marriage.

If I were you I'd apply for it, and explain that he is trans and therefore it's completely incompatible and was based on a lie. I hardly think he would contest it, or the law would reject it as a reason for annulment?

Well, I hope he wouldn't. It's the least he can do to allow the split to happen as expediently and painlessly as possible.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's awful that someone would conceal this from their partner and marry them.

Why should she live in a sexless marriage, it’s clear in OP’s post this isn’t satisfactory to her.

He wants her to stick around so he can pretend he’s a lesbian. He’s offering her nothing here.

OP don’t be surprised if when he starts transitioning he tries to look like you. Get rid asap.

Bollocks. That's all this needs.

With my body i thee worship

The cherry picking of marriage vows is always all over this board.

OP, I married a man who, after we had two kids, decided he was gay but wanted us to still play happy families. So, a different but related situation and I wish someone had given this advice to me:

1. It is not your job to support or validate him. You have been lied to so don’t let him make this about him. You need to put yourself and your children first in spite of the tears, please, and emotional blackmail.
2. It is not your job to protect him. Your job is to protect yourself.
3. Decide what you want the outcome to be given your situation - this will take a while - and then pursue it. Your marriage is over. How can you maximise your silver lining in this terrible cloud?