Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

What a horrible, heartbreaking shock. You poor thing. It looks from the info other people have shared that annulment is the way to go, I hope it’s straight forward and not too stressful on top of everything else. Absolutely fuck the emotional blackmail bullshit of the occasional post on here, you owe him nothing, he’s a fucking liar and he’s betrayed you in the most devastating way.

@BrickJokercant believe you’re suggesting it is the op being selfish!!

she was tricked into a marriage that doesn’t exist as she consented to it! She is able to support her ‘dh’ as a friend if she so wishes through this difficult time, but there is nothing selfish about her not wishing to have a life she didn’t agree to! It’s not the dark ages where she can’t make her own decisions based on this new information ffs!!!

Ah but she is a woman and womens needs dont matter Its pure misogyny

I think not @BrickJoker - where is the evidence that the 'DH' is supporting or even cognisant of his 'wife's' discomfort about a significant adjustment to her understanding of the world. The husband is 'tossing aside' his relationship and all that follows from that - why the fuck did he marry her if this was in his make up. Your consistency in standing up for MRA is evident.

He's not transgender there is no such thing. He almost certainly suffers from autogynephilia which is a sexual fetish. Look it up and then make plans to start a new life with your son. Sorry 😞

Yes, and funnily enough, male entitlement.

So hold on, you’re telling her to put him first. What about his selfishness? He deliberately waited until they were married as he presumed she’d be more likely to stay and be his emotional support human. Of course the OP should focus in her discomfort. She’s been lied to and manipulated. I’ve been where you are OP. Run fast and run far.

Come on Brickjoker: what are you on about?
OP is not being selfish - she’s had her world turned upside down and is absolutely right to question her marriage. Her husband has deceived, betrayed and lied to her. His ‘feels’ are not more important than hers or her child

OP- look at @Tinselangel and the Transwidows website. You will find information and support there.

And no- OP would not be a lesbian if she remained in the marriage.

I'm so sorry op, that's absolutely devastating to find out and I agree with pps that it's really not his call whether or not you stick together for better or worse. He's knowingly deceived you, mislead you and noone gets to do that in any context and then tell the other person how they should move on from it. That is really entitled behaviour. To me it also shows he isn't really seeing you in this.

I can understand being in denial and being scared of the implications that go hand in hand with coming out as trans and I can also understand getting so wrapped up in something that it takes on a life of its own and becomes harder to be honest about. But none of that is your issue. He should have spoken to you about this before you had a child and before you got married as there's no way this has just materialised in the last 12 weeks.

If you choose to stay with him if he transitions then that's your call to make and noone here can tell you what you could/ should move past with him, but this is a big part of himself that he's hidden from you and it would raise many questions about what else he's hidden and how much trust you can have with him in future. I think this is a shit situation for everyone and he's handled it really, really badly.

Taking space and speaking to a solicitor is a good option. Do you have money in savings or a good pension etc? You need to get some advice on your entitlements. When I separated from stbxh I found citizens advice really helpful for explaining what I could get help with especially in terms of childcare costs etc.

He is the only one who gains. He lied to her to get her to marry him. She is now a background character on his fantasy.

throwing out terms like liar because he lied and abuser because he manipulated her are accurate though.

I appreciate you’re trying to be balanced but I really can’t get on board with this point of view. Perhaps you are a better person than I am but I can’t think of it like that at all, at least not right now.
I don’t believe my husband suddenly developed these feelings overnight, I cannot fathom that he could have entered this marriage not knowing these facts. I feel so hurt and deceived and cannot imagine just carrying on

Oh give it a rest @BrickJoker and stop bleating on about his emotional needs. He’s been spending too much time on Reddit or tiktok and he’s got himself a spot of AGP and she’s best off as far away from him as possible before he starts trying to get their toddler to start calling him mummy. His considerable issues are not OP’s responsibility to pander to or fix.

Dear god, the OP is an actual human not a support animal. Why should she sacrifice the possibility of a happy mutually satisfactory relationship for the sake of this bloke and he definitely is not going to be having sex with her because sex is disgusting.

Women are people, you have to be a man.

This is absolutely terrible advice. OP is not the support human for a lying selfish shit who trapped her into marriage under false pretences.

Please ignore the hell out of this and do what's right for you and your son, @confusedpasty . Many sympathies. Transwidows will be of actual help.

I’m with you OP, DH’s bags would be packed and by the door before he could say “mascara”. Fuck that.

Yes get an annulment. He didn't marry you in good faith and should have told you before he had kids with you.

I find it interesting that it so often seems to be right after a woman has gone through the emotional intensity and physically gruelling process of pregnancy and childbirth, followed by the aftermath and challenge of looking after a newborn that men announce they quite fancy being a woman, too, along with what that means for their sexual needs and wardrobe. 🤦‍♀️

I have wondered if he could be gay. I asked him and he said he’s not attracted to men, only women. But that he doesn’t feel right having sex as a man. I can’t make sense of any of it.
No idea about porn. Maybe? I couldn’t say, I also don’t think it bothers me either way.

WTF are you waffling about now

Completely agree Op. If he’d spoken to you about this even 13 weeks ago you would have been entering your marriage with full knowledge of what you were committing to. A sexless marriage alone would be reason enough for you to have decided it wasn’t something you could commit to.
Has he told you when he started feeling this way? I’d ask him that in a text and you can use it as evidence in your annulment….

I wondered that but he was born before the marriage, so I suppose, technically……

He wants this woman to validate that her husband is a woman, just like her husband wants her to do also and continue to commit to the marriage.

Anyway I reckon he is gay not trans and is masking.

Fuck this!!! He's an absolute twat who's deceived her for years and stolen her future.

@confusedpasty Absolutely put yourself first and move on.

Joker by name, joker by nature.

What an absolute ridiculous response. Go away.