DH behaved horribly on his birthday - UPDATE

[SecretsSecretss]

Creating a new thread to update everyone. I am a frequent poster sometimes under different usernames about my husband’s terrible behaviour. I am the poster whose husband behaved horribly on Fathers Day last year, another post our son found some iPods on the beach and he encouraged him to steal them whilst mocking me for encouraging our son to be honest and hand them in. Many many more posts over the years including one about him threatening to put our autistic son into care and saying there’s nothing in his head. 😢

Much name calling, threats and horrible behaviour in between being lovely and showering me with gifts and affection.

I want to update you all that with the support of all the lovely ladies on MN I am FINALLY LTB!!

I have a lovely little house lined up, furniture arriving soon, honestly the house is heaven sent - I absolutely love it - I cannot believe how lucky I am to be offered it (HA lovely new build)

H has no idea - this week has been a military operation arranging for furniture delivery, viewings, phone calls etc. I am absolutely bricking it but I will finally be free!

H is acting normal right now, I feel like it would be easier if he was acting like an arse hole!

I plan to tell him next week when I’m away on holiday with DC. Of course I will have to then face him eventually 😱

So thank you Mumsnet - I couldn’t have done this without you all. And to all the ladies who might be trapped in similar situations- you can do it! Xxx Wish me luck! 🍀

Sorry, not a positive update but it’s early days, I’m going to take things very slowly with teen (he’s autistic) and just hope and pray that everything will eventually settle down. I feel like I’ve ruined his life. I haven’t gone into the whys with H as I know how nasty he can be. He’s mentioned his mother a few times and how I’m lucky as she could make life very difficult (hell) for me, solicitors/throwing money at H/false accusations against me etc.

You need to be quietly recording all your conversations with him going forward to protect yourself.

Thanks for all your advice, it’s been a very difficult weekend but I’m trying to take it one day at a time with DS. He’s been glued to stbex side all weekend, choosing him to cuddle with on the sofa and because ex sleeps in DS’s room they have a lot of time together talking. It’s incredibly painful but I’m trying not to let my hurt show and keeping doing nice little things for DS. We’ve been chatting about his special interest a lot and managed a bit of a laugh last night. I’m definitely at a big disadvantage being the one leaving the family home and DS is definitely cooler towards me. He asked me the incredibly difficult question this morning - when am I moving out? It’s awful 😞 I’m just going to keep showing up for him, making him his favourite foods and giving him time. Ex took DS over his mothers on the weekend and I do worry about what is being said in front of DS. Sorry for the rambling! I know everything will be okay in the end.

Just keep on being calm and forthright.

Sometimes things between adults don’t work out and it is normal and good for them to move on. Of course we always love our children and remember the good family times fondly. We will have more good times, each in our own way, in the future.

Excellent advice, thank you.

When do you get the keys / when are you actually moving in.

I’ve got the keys now and I’m busy having furniture delivered and the place made safe for my youngest who is an escape artist! I will need to take things very slowly with my oldest and slowly get him used to it. I’ll probably end up moving out fully at the beginning of the summer holidays and in the mean time will spend time with DS (oldest) down there gradually, slowly building up to spending more time there. He is extremely resistant to change due to ASD and will need careful handling. Youngest is very adaptable thankfully.

You are doing great. Well done. Drip feed it to your oldest DS. Take him over to the house regularly to see it, drop stuff off etc - maybe spending more time there each time? But go at his transition pace.

Its cliche that the abusive parent will weaponise the children against the good parent - but what is likley keeping him attached is fear. Just keep being calm, fun, emotionally attuned and available for him - its a long game - your STBXH wont be consistent for long - he will let your DS down. Dont turn DS into an obvious tug of war by being provoked by any of your STBXH shenangians - he wont be able to keep it up - and your DS will eventually seek your calm and certainty. Watch and wait and know that love wins.

Your eldest will be difficult, he’s going to be made to feel sorry for his dad, and the only thing you can keep doing is reassuring him, how much you love him and he has a home with you too.
When you’ve moved, he’s going to notice his dad not as great, because at the moment Ex is playing up to your guilt and be extra loving towards him. He won’t be able to keep it up once you’re gone, eldest will start to realise that he will be the one who has to deal with his D’s moods and have all celebrations spoilt. Meanwhile, you will be happier in yourself and he will start to feel interested in where you’ve moved to and resent having to always put his D first. I wouldn’t be surprised if ex starts to go out dating and son will be at yours in a shot!