DH behaved horribly on his birthday - UPDATE

[SecretsSecretss]

Creating a new thread to update everyone. I am a frequent poster sometimes under different usernames about my husband’s terrible behaviour. I am the poster whose husband behaved horribly on Fathers Day last year, another post our son found some iPods on the beach and he encouraged him to steal them whilst mocking me for encouraging our son to be honest and hand them in. Many many more posts over the years including one about him threatening to put our autistic son into care and saying there’s nothing in his head. 😢

Much name calling, threats and horrible behaviour in between being lovely and showering me with gifts and affection.

I want to update you all that with the support of all the lovely ladies on MN I am FINALLY LTB!!

I have a lovely little house lined up, furniture arriving soon, honestly the house is heaven sent - I absolutely love it - I cannot believe how lucky I am to be offered it (HA lovely new build)

H has no idea - this week has been a military operation arranging for furniture delivery, viewings, phone calls etc. I am absolutely bricking it but I will finally be free!

H is acting normal right now, I feel like it would be easier if he was acting like an arse hole!

I plan to tell him next week when I’m away on holiday with DC. Of course I will have to then face him eventually 😱

So thank you Mumsnet - I couldn’t have done this without you all. And to all the ladies who might be trapped in similar situations- you can do it! Xxx Wish me luck! 🍀

I’m so so pleased for you!! Just also wanted to say, if needs be if you have a kettle and toilet you can make it work.

I lived in my flat for 2 months with nothing but a kettle and a yoga mat for a bed. Yep, ate shite food, slept a little bit uncomfortably, but it was fine. If you know it’s temporary it’s amazing what you can put up with. So don’t stay if you really should be leaving.

I remember your posts OP. Very well done, you are strong, keep strong 💐

I’m so happy for you, Please let us know how you get on after you leave him

Well done! Your new life is ahead x

So so pleased for you!! Rooting for you all the way. Wishing you every happiness xxx

Good luck OP!

OP - you don't need to put in a new claim for UC. On the day you move out, put a change of circumstances on your UC account. You will keep your UC claim and it will be converted to a single person claim with your new housing details (and bank details etc if these need to change too). Your ex will have to make a new claim.

Well done you. Stay safe.

I want to second the advice to remove everything that is of value to you before you leave. If you have a car of your own, you can store it all in the boot. Pick bits and bobs up one by one, not all at once. Move other stuff around to replace items.

You should wait until you've actually moved out to email your H and your parents. Parents might not be reliably able to refrain from contacting H to ask 'Is this really true', etc. Don't tell him when you're away on holiday or he could end up waiting for you when you return. It will also give him time to destroy your things.

Suck up the overlapping bills for a few weeks (ask your parents to help if money is really tight). It's worth taking on the extra cost just to be safe.

Same goes for the UC. Deal with it in the way that keeps you safe.

This really is the dangerous part. Safety first.

And well done!

Well done OP and good luck. Will anyone know in RL before or when you tell your H? I'm just thinking for safety and incase you need help with anything it would be good if there's someone who knows where you are and what's going on

Oh that is amazing! Well done you. The relief you will feel will cancel out the fear you feel right now. MN was invaluable to me back in 2008 when I was going through similar. All the best and enjoy your happy new home.

@SecretsSecretss
You rock !!

Well done, and well done Mumsnet, you have all helped me too, 5 years ago.

Well done, OP!

Congratulations OP. All the very best with your new life!

Wahoooooo! The beginning of wonderful things. Happy New life to you!!

Get a ring doorbell for the new place
Make doubly sure he can't track your location on your phone

I too remember your posts and am absolutely delighted to hear your plans. Wishing you a safe exit and a wonderful new life

So so pleased to see this update from you. You’ve done so well to get everything arranged. Now it’s just a case of making your move as safely as possible. It’s definitely a good idea to tell him while you’re away. I’d also advise that if you must meet him when you’re back you do that in a public place. Best to keep communication to one method as well. There are some apps now which can be used for coparenting communication. Also, have you managed to tell any friends yet the truth about what’s been happening? It’ll be helpful to have people surrounding you that know so they can help you by giving you a reality check if he does try to go to “honeymoon” mode, with lots of promise of change etc. That’s also another good reason to tell your parents, who I’m sure will be nothing but supportive when they learn what he’s really like.

Yes, also to hide leave any evidence away and take the address and phone no off directory enquiries. If he’s seeing kids OP should have them meet on neutral ground.

I’d be wary of telling before you go too.

as for the house, the last time we moved, 2 adults 3 kids we had nothing ready, I bought 2 single mattresses from home bargains and bedding put 2 double fitted sheets over the mattresses to hold them together and DH & 3 kids slept on them the first few weeks. I slept on a fold out sofa I bought cheap off Amazon. We used paper plates and I bought a cheap hoover from screwfix and a couple of cheap pans from homebargins. Also found a local launderette. O and bought just a cheap fridge, bought the freezer later.m

Don’t worry if you haven’t got everything you need in first, you can manage and build it up as you go along.

good luck.

Well done, OP. Now, as others have said, be careful. I would get moved as soon as you can do. If you need to use garden fold up chairs from b&q sale, do so. Don't risk telling him until you are out and safe. Same with anyone other than us! You don't want any leaks.

Best of luck. All will be well. I packed up my car 23 years ago and moved out with my DS. It was frightening but I did it. Life has been so much better since. DS has thrived, got a brilliant degree, bought his own home and I’m happily married for 15 years.
All will be ok.

Great news OP. I frequently over the many years on here get frustrated when an OP "ghosts" a thread when they have an abusive husband or partner and you just know they've stayed with them.

But I still post and hope one day, like you, they will have the strength to leave.

There's one recently where a husband left for a teenager, who's probably let him back home after teenager/teenager's parents dumped him. But I always hope they will read their previous threads and one day have the strength to LTB.

Well done OP, we're all proud if you!!

You are so brave and absolutely doing the right thing for you and your child! Well done! Stay strong, stand firm and remember you do not owe him any of your time if he’s pressuring you to talk.
You and your child deserve the freedom and happy safe future you’re about to start! Absolutely love this for you 💕

I remember you. I am thrilled you will soon be free!