DH behaved horribly on his birthday - UPDATE

[SecretsSecretss]

Creating a new thread to update everyone. I am a frequent poster sometimes under different usernames about my husband’s terrible behaviour. I am the poster whose husband behaved horribly on Fathers Day last year, another post our son found some iPods on the beach and he encouraged him to steal them whilst mocking me for encouraging our son to be honest and hand them in. Many many more posts over the years including one about him threatening to put our autistic son into care and saying there’s nothing in his head. 😢

Much name calling, threats and horrible behaviour in between being lovely and showering me with gifts and affection.

I want to update you all that with the support of all the lovely ladies on MN I am FINALLY LTB!!

I have a lovely little house lined up, furniture arriving soon, honestly the house is heaven sent - I absolutely love it - I cannot believe how lucky I am to be offered it (HA lovely new build)

H has no idea - this week has been a military operation arranging for furniture delivery, viewings, phone calls etc. I am absolutely bricking it but I will finally be free!

H is acting normal right now, I feel like it would be easier if he was acting like an arse hole!

I plan to tell him next week when I’m away on holiday with DC. Of course I will have to then face him eventually 😱

So thank you Mumsnet - I couldn’t have done this without you all. And to all the ladies who might be trapped in similar situations- you can do it! Xxx Wish me luck! 🍀

Sorry to hear this OP, but you know you’re making the right choice in the long run. A friend of mine found herself in a similar position, left her awful husband just before Covid hit and their teenage DS chose to spend lockdown with his dad rather than her. He was 17 at the time and didn’t want to leave his family home. It was really difficult, their relationship took a hit for a while because his dad fed him poison about her and she found it very upsetting. She just maintain communication was always open, there was always a room for him at hers, called regularly and arranged meet ups when restrictions lifted. They had a rocky couple of years, but her son grew up and matured and was able to recognise why she had left and that it wasn’t about leaving him, just his dad. He’s now early 20s and they have a good relationship, she just needed to give him space and time to work through the change - teenage years are a difficult time anyway aren’t they! It’s all brand new, give him time. You can’t control what your EXH says to your son but you can remain a consistent, kind and loving mum.

Your H is blaming you because it's easier than taking responsibility for his own behaviour. He is going to try and make life uncomfortable for you as a punishment. Do your best to ignore him but log any worrying incidents.
Please remember you would not leave without a good reason.
Well done for getting this far, keep going and don't look back x

Really agree with this advice.

Not asd but my 2 teens spent more time in our family home with exh. Then realised he was a rubbish df...
They moved ft to live with me. Visited him occasionally.. A bit more as he got more disabled.... Own doing diabetes from years of coke and chocolate...
You could be sneaky and decorate his room exactly as it is at the family home.... Or love bomb him with a dpuppy /dcat..

Best of luck op. Truly. Try not to bombard your ds with any texts that could be guilt inducing.. I bet he comes around in his own time.

I was 15 when my parents separated. I lived with my mum but blamed her and things were rocky between us for a while, but in time I did accept it, we are close, and we've never argued again since!

What's the distance between houses? As a teen you'll probably find they'll want to spend most of their time wherever is closer to their friends - not to spend more time with that parent as such!

Thank you everyone. I can’t stop crying today 😢
I am trying to pull myself together. DS is acting normally with H but won’t speak to me, I fear I r done a terrible thing 😭

It’s not going to be easy @SecretsSecretsswith your husband now portraying himself in this situation as “the good guy” and having access through the night to your son’s ear.
it will be a long haul but you are up for the challenge 💐
So glad you found your perfect home.
Your ds will come round. Eventually.

A good parent would only wish their child is happy and safe so hopefully your parents will see that and support you.

You e done nothing wrong, in fact you’ve done it all right, you are showing your dc what it’s like to stick up for yourself and not be treated badly.

As for your eldest, please just give it time. Your ex is probably drip feeding shit into his ear to punish you. The best thing you can do it keep the communication channels open for your ds and don’t bad mouth your ex. He will come around, like any teen he needs to take himself off and process. They aren’t stupid and he’ll soon see his df for the real person he is. It’ll just take time, so hang in there and play the long game. Once your ex realises that his tact of turning your ds against you isn’t working he’ll lose interest, add that to the work it takes to be a primary carer and he’ll change his tune

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. Don’t doubt it for a moment. No option can be smooth or problem free in this situation. Your DS is taking it out on you because he knows your love is unconditional whereas with his dad he is on eggshells. Your husband will not be able to keep up the nice guy act for long and I very much doubt he will want to put in the effort it takes to look after a child. You will get there. I send you huge hugs x

I will be watching this with interest op, you’ve been so brave and your plan sounds wonderful, Your DH reaction gave me hope and I felt crushed just reading your DC response - this is my fear too… really hope everything calms down and works out for you both.

Just adding my support. Your ds will realise how awful his dad is and that you've probably protected him from a lot of his shit.
I really don't understand why parents encourage their kids in this situation to stay. They should want more for you as you deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect.
Stay strong op you are doing the right thing for you and your children.

Maybe don’t be too apologetic to your eldest son. That will make reenforce his belief that you’ve done something wrong. He is old enough to understand that you really had no choice but to leave.

OP, you have done absolutely the right thing. Yes, your DS will rail against you now. But it is a phase. You have been a loving mum, continue to be a loving mum.

Your DS loves you. He will come around but you will need time with him. Time to be the normal loving Mum he knows you to be. It will take time but this phase will pass.

Whatever arrangement you make with your STBXH with regards to what amount of time the children spend in each parents home, do protect your children's time with you. Your DC (eldest included) should sleep at your home when it is your time with them.

You are doing the right thing for your children by leaving him

You are doing the right thing for your children by leaving him

How old is are your children? x

Having read your previous posts, it seems like you are on the last mile of a marathon, where the whole run now feels like a bad idea and you want to give up.
Don’t. You have gone through so much, and now you finally, finally have a safe new home to go to.
This man does not behave like an adult. He is abusive, unkind and selfish. Instead of thinking of the welfare of his children, he wants to weaponise them.
You have to be really really strong now because you have come so, so far.
This man has made you ill both physically and emotionally.
You are so kind and generous.
No more awful birthdays with you running around and him being a dick.
Your children know how kind and generous you are. They might not get that what you are doing is for their welfare. They deserve a happy and healthy mum.
Create a new home where they are safe and welcome, with no emotional blackmail. They will come around.
This man knows what he is doing. He is trying to hold you captive. Don’t let him.
It doesn’t matter what he thinks, or his family, your family, or anybody else. You have been abused and it’s now time to have a safe, happy life.
And you know maybe this year you could leave a banner across his door on his birthday… I will leave you to think of a caption!

I am the only one very uncomfortable that this gross man sleeps in the same bedroom as his teenage son? Even if there is not CSA going on - this is a huge invasion of a teenage boys privacy.

Also the push by the STBXH to collect the DS at 8:30 every night to come back and sleep with him in the family home.

None of this is in the interests of DS - he is at best been used as an emotional support dog for STBX and at worst weaponised to punish OP and divide the family. Your DS needs you and his sibling and that new family environment at least 50% of the time.

Your STBXH needs to be very careful with his threats that his evil mother will use her money to punish you through the courts. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree.

Please be confident that you will be an even better mother to both of your DSs once you reclaim your mental peace and are not emotionally drained and subjugated 24/7 by this brute - you will have more mental capacity and energy to recover for yourself and focus on your boys. Keep reaching out for help.

I am concerned that you are giving your STBXH too much credit and rope - this could back fire. Please put him on an information diet and be ready for him to play dirty.

Do not feel guilty for doing the best thing for your boys - they are unable to see it and experience it yet. But they will ahve a better version of you loving, cherishing and being positive and growing in your own life that they will experience and hugely benefit from.

Grey rock your X. You are doing great. Yesterday was a tough day. It will get better - might be bumpy but a glorious future for all 3 of you awaits.

Just stay calm and do grounding and breathing exercises. The situation with your ds is giving you panic attacks and hijacking your amygdala. But you can’t make good decisions—or correctly evaluate the ones you have made—from a panicked position.

Change is the natural state of the universe. Your DS has trouble with change because if his ASD but change occurs regardless. He will adjust—he must adjust—as you can’t prevent it entirely.

You could not stay to be continuously abused by your ex. That was not a healthy way to raise the children or to live yourself. With respect to the children you were going to end up raising little users and abusers as this is all they would learn from their father. That would be passing your awful marriage style down to their future partners and children.

Take deep breaths and do PMR (physical Mental Release)As you breathe in tense your body, even just your fists, and crush, crush, crush your rage and pain. As you slowly breathe out release the tension and let go of what you have imagined crushing. Do this three times in a row and I think you will feel a return of calm and serenity.

Your dh was always going to weaponize your children against you. Always. If not on any specific day then more and more frequently as he feared lising control or simply at his pleasure. At least with the courageous decision you have made there is hope that your children will have a happy and safe space 50 percent of the time.

Stay strong, OP, you have come so far and are doing brilliantly. It’s not easy but you will be so much better off.

Remember you are leaving because you should have left already. You are protecting your youngest from the concerns you have about your eldest.

Now.

You haven’t done a terrible thing lovely. You have 2 precious boys to protect. My brother is autistic and what he said about your youngest made me feel sick. Your eldest if he is closer to your H then he’s bound to stick closer to him. In his eyes it’s you breaking up his family and he will be mad at you for a while. I remember my mum and dad separating and for ages I wasn’t a fan on my mum because she was the one who initiated the divorce. It was only years later I discovered the abuse he gave her and now I don’t speak to my dad. Keep holding strong. You are doing the right thing and it will get better. No one deserves a life of abuse and neglect not you and not your kids.

Can you take your ds out for a drive or somthing. And have a good chat with him away from his dad. Who is obviously making it out to be all your fault and you the bad guy.
Its awful behaviour. If he was a good dad he would never behave like this.

A large part of parenting teens is making decisions for them, for their best interests, as their brains are not yet mature enough to make rational and sensible decisions themselves.

This results in teens often thinking that their parents are unreasonable/evil/selfish/monsters/uncaring etc. But as parents it is our job to make decisions in our children’s best interests, to best protect them and to give them the best opportunity to reach their full potential in life and to find happiness.

Your situation right now is no different. It is natural that your teen thinks that you are making a terrible decision, uprooting their life, etc. They are not able to see the bigger picture and to understand the abuse. You are being an incredible Mum by knowing that this stage will be horrendously hard on you all…….. but you are doing it anyway because it is in your children’s best interest long-term.

In fact it would be a shock if your teen wasn’t upset and hurt with you right now. Try not to beat yourself up about it.

Your DS knows what his father is like and how awful it Is he will come round. It's confusing enough just being a teenager.