DH behaved horribly on his birthday - UPDATE

[SecretsSecretss]

Creating a new thread to update everyone. I am a frequent poster sometimes under different usernames about my husband’s terrible behaviour. I am the poster whose husband behaved horribly on Fathers Day last year, another post our son found some iPods on the beach and he encouraged him to steal them whilst mocking me for encouraging our son to be honest and hand them in. Many many more posts over the years including one about him threatening to put our autistic son into care and saying there’s nothing in his head. 😢

Much name calling, threats and horrible behaviour in between being lovely and showering me with gifts and affection.

I want to update you all that with the support of all the lovely ladies on MN I am FINALLY LTB!!

I have a lovely little house lined up, furniture arriving soon, honestly the house is heaven sent - I absolutely love it - I cannot believe how lucky I am to be offered it (HA lovely new build)

H has no idea - this week has been a military operation arranging for furniture delivery, viewings, phone calls etc. I am absolutely bricking it but I will finally be free!

H is acting normal right now, I feel like it would be easier if he was acting like an arse hole!

I plan to tell him next week when I’m away on holiday with DC. Of course I will have to then face him eventually 😱

So thank you Mumsnet - I couldn’t have done this without you all. And to all the ladies who might be trapped in similar situations- you can do it! Xxx Wish me luck! 🍀

Over time a lot of changes happen. Just keep being you and be totally upfront with the kids. Honesty is not always the easiest path but it really is the best option with them. Mine were very small and my ex was so horrible about me to them. So my only defense was absolute honesty.

I taught them from a very early age to think critically.

So knowing me as you do what do you think? Why do you think Dad/whoever might have said that?

Always asking them to think beyond face values to motivations. It’s an invaluable lesson for life. Everyone’s always putting a spin on stuff, including your kids.

Well done for sticking with it.
My children also felt sideswiped by it, as your DS probably does.
Over time, the mask will slip and he will understand and see the truth. You will, understandably feel guilty and may never stop feeling that way.
But the weight of resentment lifting and the feeling of calm when you have your own place makes such a difference. The kids feel it.

As mine have got older, they are starting to understand why Mum wouldn’t tolerate Dad’s temper and sulks any more. He has got better but they are still subjected to it occasionally.

I shocked him into changing for the better. Yes my ex-in laws hate me for doing it, but do I miss them? No. My own parents were incredibly sad but have stood by me and have been my greatest cheerleaders. I’m sad that exH seems to be so much happier without me, but so am I. I’m sad that the marriage didn’t work: I had such high hopes for us.

Four years down the line, we co-parent well, we are amicable. It stings that he has a new GF, but I’m now seeing someone who treats me like a queen and I see him on my terms so I still have space for me and the kids.

Be patient and not so hard on yourself, it will come right in the end. This is the hardest bit.

The right thing isn't always easy, sometimes it's the absolute hardest thing. But it's still the right thing.

Enjoy your lovely new peaceful home!

Look, divorce is shit, and he probably will blame you for a while. I definitely blamed my mum and felt guilty about it at the same time. In the early stages it’s just such a shock for the child. But he will come to understand, as I did, that having an unhappy mum is the worse option. My mum was probably a little too transparent about what was going on with her and my dad and it’s hard to strike a balance between honesty and alienation attempts. I think you have to just take the high road here and keep reiterating how unhappy you are, how you and your husband just weren’t getting along, etc.

You are doing the right thing. It just takes kids a little while to understand that, especially autistic ones. My autistic sibling really struggled when my dad moved out. My mum could have so easily wavered but she chose long-term happiness over short-term capitulation. You have to do the same for the sake of your life and your kids. It’s worse for them to be in a house where their dad treats their mum like shit. You’re being really brave and strong, do not falter now.

Longterm staying over guilt about your eldest ds is not a good plan .
You can't stay in this abusive controlling relationship. It won't be good for your dc.
Does your dh sleep in you ds bedroom because of his autism? Its not something that can/should happen longterm. So him staying with you 50% will probably be good for him . He can't be that dependent on his dad that can't sleep without him .
How will that work when he is an adult.
Just give your kids time to adjust.

Sorry to read about your Parent’s attitude OP, to not have their support or agreement makes it that bit harder I think.

Why is your safety/happiness/wellbeing etc not as important as everyone else’s in the family?!

As mentioned by another poster, your children have already seen and experienced unhealthy behaviour from your husband to yourself and it is not to be tolerated or swept under the carpet. Children learn from their parents behaviour.

You are doing well 🤜🏻

Op, sorry to hear about your eldest. I can imagine how you feel... been there.

I want to encourage you to try and get rid of the self-hatred. It's tough but it's important you do.

You still have the younger one to parent, self-hatred will affect your decision making. Your decision making is important right now at this time of heightened emotions, huge change, tension and discord. Your decision-making is also very important around what you agree to for your eldest.

You need a frank discussion with your eldest. He needs to know your truth. Even up to why you got a place in secret. He also needs your assurance that he and his sibling are important to you.
I would be very careful what you agree to with you STBXH regarding your eldest. Don't be lead by guilt, self-hatred, fear.

Your DS will adjust. Letting him go back to sleep at the family home when he is supposed to be with you is destabilising especially after telling him you and STBXH are separating. You will not be helping him. He nedds a chance to feel safe and secure with you in your new home.

Spoken as one with an autistic DC who was XH's sidekick and became distraught when the marriage fell apart. It was easy, i made decisions driven by self-hatred, fear and guilt even though it was not my fault at all. Luckily, a friend snapped me out if the self-hatred/guilt bubble and got me to remember why we were at this point and that the focus was to have DC in a healthy environment.

Echoing this.

Congratulations!

Unfortunately I think this stage is inevitable. Of course he feels lost just now because it's all new and different.

Once he gets used to his room in your new house and you establish a new routine he will settle.

I don't think it's worth you trying to justify your decision to him. He can't understand.

Just keep reiterating that you both love him and try not to rise to the "you did this" stuff. Keep it simple. I'm sorry but it needs to happen but we are not making any big decisions on who lives where until we all have time to adjust.

Turn OFF your location if on iPhone

How is he going to be primary carer when he goes away so much?

Your eldest will choose his dad in the beginning, but it won’t be long before the mask falls. Your eldest will need time to come to terms with the split, when you move in to your new place, he will be clinging onto the past.
You moving out, you have to think of the future, free from your ex and wait till eldest starts to see his dad and old home is not as great as he thought.
Your DS will resist, slowly and surely he will see the positives of the move. You are still his loving mum, but his dad will of changed. If he chooses dad, you tell him, he has the right to make his own choices, that you love him and your home is his home, always there for him if he changes his mind. You will be the parent who doesn’t try to drag him to take sides, any accusations of splitting the family up, you simply explain, that your love for him will never change. That your home is his too. that’s all he has to know and you won’t be badmouthing his dad to him or his brother nor expect them to stop loving their dad.

Do you mean as he works so much?

The father who wanted to put him into care and said he had nothing in his head.

Do not lose focus op. Keep your eyes on the prize.
🫂 💐 xx

Thank you everyone. I don’t know what I would do without your support 🌷 I think part of me also feels uncomfortable as I am the one leaving the family home as it does seem more unusual for the Mother to do it.

Some good advice from a PP I think to encourage DC to think critically. Help him understand that it was a last resort and you never would have done it unless you felt ultimately everyone would be better off this way, even if it takes time to adjust. Make it clear he doesn't have to choose between you and dad - you will both love him no matter what and you will have him with you 50% of the time each because you both love him equally. Make clear you won't say unkind things about his dad to him because he's his dad and no one should be trying to undermine their relationship (implicitly giving the message soon to be XH is in the wrong if he is badmouthing you).

IMO you should try your best to avoid showing you feel guilty, even if you do, because it validates XH's position that this is all your fault in DS's eyes - why would you feel so bad if you thought it was the right thing? Be clear it makes you sad to be leaving the family home and not to all be together any more. But as above you know ultimately it will be for the best for everyone.

That was our youngest who is non verbal, I’ll never forget what he said that day and it was the biggest reason for leaving.

You've tried and tried @SecretsSecretss and you can't make him change so it's best to end it. Your DS will come around in time but it's a shock for him now. Once he sees how quiet and happy your new home is he'll start to feel better

As for your parents, you moving out will change nothing for them but for you, you gain so much, independence, happiness and no walking on eggshells.
Once Ds’s see dad’s behaviour without you acting as buffer on birthdays, holidays and Christmas, I highly doubt they will want to be there with him. They will see that’s it’s happier, stable environment with you, that you are still their loving mum, they will choose the secure attachment they have with you, in the end.
Your ex will threaten all sorts of shit, to block you from moving, he needs to feel control over you to bolster his ego. Remove yourself from his claws, he won’t be able to cope with being the primary carer, or anything else he threatens, let him bluster and fall flat on his face, you will be there for your Ds and you are their safe haven. Let it play out, whilst you are making a home for you and children, your son will choose what’s in his best interest, in the end.

This is the hardest part @SecretsSecretss but you know that you are doing the right thing for you and the children. Keep soldiering on and reminding yourself that the peaceful life you crave (and deserve) is coming soon. Yes the journey will be very hard but the destination is so worth it.

You cannot control your ex. Nor can you control your children’s emotions. But what you can control is your own actions - you put on your brave face, you continue to be that wonderful Mother that you have always been, you create a safe and loving home for your kids……. and although your teen won’t see it straight away, when he is older he will begin to understand who is Father is. You never need tell him, you never slag his Father off, you just continue to provide love, security and support and allow the puzzle pieces to fall when he is old enough and mature enough to understand.

And you have us all here at Mumsnet supporting you and wishing you the best - holding you up when you feel weak, giving you our shoulders and sympathy when you need a cry through the hard days. Don’t ever feel a burden coming here to post - the women of Mumsnet will always be here to help you through it all 🥰❤️

Don't forget your eldest will probably have a fantasy of getting you back together. It's a standard teenage divorce thing.

Teens have a very them-centric view of the world, no concept of adult relationships and what goes on privately.

Sometimes you have to love hem enough to let them hate you for a little while.

But he will see things differently as the separation continues; as another poster said, your levelness and calm wil be stark compared to a dad who makes him choose and the mask will keep slipping.

Amd you already know exactly is playing a game of pretending to be reasonable. He can't sustain it because her isn't. So don't be surprised when he reverts.

@SecretsSecretss just wanted to say well done, I know it’s not easy, but please don’t get sucked into feeling guilty, always remember why you are doing this.

Once you have moved out and settled you will look back and wonder why you didn’t leave sooner.

Wishing you the very best xx

Just adding my support, it sounds like you're absolutely doing the right thing. I was in a similar position, left the family home and had a 50/50 childcare set up. That was 8 years ago and I've never looked back! I would say that some people will judge/try to dissuade you/not get it. It was a surprise who was supportive and who really let me down. Good luck! x