DH behaved horribly on his birthday - UPDATE

[SecretsSecretss]

Creating a new thread to update everyone. I am a frequent poster sometimes under different usernames about my husband’s terrible behaviour. I am the poster whose husband behaved horribly on Fathers Day last year, another post our son found some iPods on the beach and he encouraged him to steal them whilst mocking me for encouraging our son to be honest and hand them in. Many many more posts over the years including one about him threatening to put our autistic son into care and saying there’s nothing in his head. 😢

Much name calling, threats and horrible behaviour in between being lovely and showering me with gifts and affection.

I want to update you all that with the support of all the lovely ladies on MN I am FINALLY LTB!!

I have a lovely little house lined up, furniture arriving soon, honestly the house is heaven sent - I absolutely love it - I cannot believe how lucky I am to be offered it (HA lovely new build)

H has no idea - this week has been a military operation arranging for furniture delivery, viewings, phone calls etc. I am absolutely bricking it but I will finally be free!

H is acting normal right now, I feel like it would be easier if he was acting like an arse hole!

I plan to tell him next week when I’m away on holiday with DC. Of course I will have to then face him eventually 😱

So thank you Mumsnet - I couldn’t have done this without you all. And to all the ladies who might be trapped in similar situations- you can do it! Xxx Wish me luck! 🍀

OP, Congratulations 🙌🏼 absolutely fabulous news 👏🏼👏🏼 I am so proud of you!!!! 🥂👏🏼🙌🏼

I will echo what all the other smart mumsnetters have said ‘Do not tell him until you are safely in your own home’.

Make sure he cannot track you on his phone.

Take any important items out of the house that you want to keep.

Create an email address that is purely to discuss the children & for anything else create an apt name so that it is made clear to him that these 2 email addresses are the only way he can contact you about the children and the other to tie up any loose ends now that you have left him.

Tell him you have blocked him from your phone and that you do not want to speak to him ever again.

If after having made it clear that you have left the relationship & he is trying to find out where you live is when you start documenting this and you go and report him to the Police.

So you go & live your best life!!! You deserve all the happiness in the world.

You’re brilliant and this is what MN is for, I don’t think it’s annoying to have multiple threads - look what you’ve gained from it and other women in similar situations can read and get the glimmer of hope that they can do the same.

I’ve read a few inspiring posts on here recently and I’m cheering you, and them, on!

PS. don’t worry about your parents, perhaps deep down they know and if they don’t, they’ll figure it out eventually and if they don’t then you’re doing the right thing for yourself and child.

The good thing about problems is what we learn from them.

I am thrilled for you but hells bells be careful.

Tell him the day you leave and have someone with you. Dont be alone. Dont tell anyone else before that.

Well done!

What wonderful news, well done you!!

I hope all goes well for you; the freedom you will feel when you finally leave will be immense.

Echoing what previous posters have said, I wouldn’t mention leaving to anyone before going, tell your parents and EXDH only once you have moved.

Good luck!

How will you ensure the DC will not tell him of your new home?
Make sure you are securely in your home and have someone with you when you tell him, and ideally someone with him too.
Never be alone with him.

OP CONGRATULATIONS!!! This is wonderful. What a gift to your children and to yourself. It will be rocky for a while but this is normal. Get your support networks set up and remember that all emotions are valid during this up and down time. The most important thing is that you are DOING IT! You will inspire many others down the line. Well done.

Oh well done OP! I wish you all the very best.

I’m so excited for you ❤️, it might seem strange at first, you’ve been on tender hooks planning your escape and will need time to adjust not living on your nerves. As you unwind, you will start discovering who you are without him dominating your life.

Well done you. Wishing you a happy future without some miserable git spoiling things for you!

Well done x

I would wait until u are set up and stuff moved out to tell him. You don’t want him to sabotage it. If you do it when you are not there he could damage your stuff/change locks. If you are worried have someone with you.

💐💐💐

well done and good luck. Mumsnet was invaluable to me in different circumstances. Keep posting! 🌸

Well done. Your thread will be an inspiration ✨️

I remember your threads and am so pleased to hear your update. 🙂. Well done op. It will be so hard and there will be ups and downs and hard times… BUT you will have a space without this man who is awful to you. Enjoy

Good luck

A word of caution. Be aware that for woman in abusive relationship, one of the most dangerous periods is when she leaves. (The other is pregnancy)

Please tell your local police on 101 that you have fled this man and name him, from your old address from domestic abuse.
Ask for it to be logged.
Tell all the utilities for the old house, the council etc. via email you have left the home due to domestic abuse and you have informed the police, and want your name off all bills.

This will help to speed up things and be a record for you too.

Also should he call the police that you are missing, they can tell him that you have been in touch.

It tends to shut them up quickly.

You are amazing.

As a former sufferer of spousal abuse, I am cheering you on with all my heart.

So happy for you op! Enjoy your new home and life. Wishing you well :)

Reading your other post about his birthday, he is horrific!
Go easy on yourself once you’ve moved in, STBXH will try to manipulate, coerce, guilt you into believing he will start counselling, change and turn over a new leaf. He will never ever change @SecretsSecretss you've got a wonderful life ahead of you ❤️

I agree.
Best of luck @SecretsSecretss

Maybe look up womens aid and develop a thorough safety plan. Women are at huge risk when leaving and for 2 years after.

If you tell him that you want zero contact except through a dedictated email address that you will check and respond to fortnightly only in relation to any separation logistics and all his emails will be screened by someone else - if he continues to attemt to make contact two more times then this legally constitutes stalking and your will report him to the police.

Alert your childs school, hobbies, friends parents, neighbours, workplace etc to be on alert for him and to intercept, not share info or call the police if necessary.

Best of luck to you both. Please keep safe.

Good news @SecretsSecretss , stay safe and be free 🌺