DH behaved horribly on his birthday - UPDATE

[SecretsSecretss]

Creating a new thread to update everyone. I am a frequent poster sometimes under different usernames about my husband’s terrible behaviour. I am the poster whose husband behaved horribly on Fathers Day last year, another post our son found some iPods on the beach and he encouraged him to steal them whilst mocking me for encouraging our son to be honest and hand them in. Many many more posts over the years including one about him threatening to put our autistic son into care and saying there’s nothing in his head. 😢

Much name calling, threats and horrible behaviour in between being lovely and showering me with gifts and affection.

I want to update you all that with the support of all the lovely ladies on MN I am FINALLY LTB!!

I have a lovely little house lined up, furniture arriving soon, honestly the house is heaven sent - I absolutely love it - I cannot believe how lucky I am to be offered it (HA lovely new build)

H has no idea - this week has been a military operation arranging for furniture delivery, viewings, phone calls etc. I am absolutely bricking it but I will finally be free!

H is acting normal right now, I feel like it would be easier if he was acting like an arse hole!

I plan to tell him next week when I’m away on holiday with DC. Of course I will have to then face him eventually 😱

So thank you Mumsnet - I couldn’t have done this without you all. And to all the ladies who might be trapped in similar situations- you can do it! Xxx Wish me luck! 🍀

I am so pleased for you and, I'm absolutely NOT being patronising, but so proud OF you. Your strength is inspiration and I wish you so much joy in the future 💐

Op, can I ask how you managed to get a HA property when you’re already in a property / not homeless and have a joint UC claim? Not a goady question, just curious as I have a friend trapped in a similar situation. Good luck in your new life!

Don't tell him just move out

I remember some of your threads, bloody well done you!

Congratulations and well done! All the best for your wonderful future!!

Hi KittyPup, after speaking to Women’s Aid and seeking advice on how to leave I declared myself unintentionally homeless due to DA with my local council. They knew I was already in a HA property but put my name on the list for a property for myself and my children. My soon to be ex will stay in our current home after I take myself off the tenancy and take over the new one. It took 7 months from the time I registered with the council to now to be offered a property but I was offered another back in February which wasn’t suitable for my sons needs. It would also depend on your friends local council and how much stock they have.

Well done, OP.

I hope you get over the finish line safely, and thst a much better life awaits you and your children.

MN can be a wonderfully supportive place with women with so much knowledge and compassion, and I'm glad you found the support you needed here. I'm sure you'll continue to be supported as you settle into your new life too 💐.

Well done OP! Don't feel cowardly about email, it gives everyone the opportunity to read, disgest and reply in their own time

Congratulations

You are wise to not tell him till you have gone.
Your parents should be glad you are away from a toxic relationship and that it will benefit their grandchildren not to be exposed to that any more.

It did feel drastic what I did. I kept reeling thinking OMG what have I done?! But I knew I had to do something drastic if I was to ever get out of my current situation. I don’t know how it would have worked had I owned my current house with my husband. As for the joint UC claim I will just put in a single person claim.

So good to learn you've done the best thing and knowing you don't have to wake up next to him ever again will feel just wonderful! Best wishes going forwards. I confess to not reading every post so my question may possibly have been raised but is there no way he (or anyone) can find out your new address if determined enough? Hopefully not. Your new peace of mind should be without worry of any kind 🌺

@SecretsSecretss are you the poster who was offered a HA property but it was really far from your son’s school and needed a lot of updating…… you were really unsure whether to accept it or not?

If so, I’m so happy to hear that you have now been offered a really amazing property that better meets yours and your children’s needs 🥳

That’s me! I’m so so glad I didn’t accept the first offer as it really wasn’t right for my family. The house now is everything I could have hoped for.

Gosh, I am so pleased you have an exit plan and suitable property lined up, I'll be thinking of you and your DS. Let us know how you go.

Amazing, I’m so happy for you. I remember at the time you were really unsure about turning down the other property - it wasn’t right for you and the kids but you were worried you wouldn’t get offered anything better. You must be so relieved that you now have a much better house. This is going to be the start of a great new future for you and your children. What a brave lady you are 👏🏽

OP, I remember your threads and I just wanted to chime in to say that I am rooting for you, I am so pleased that you have found a house and are receiveing support from WA to make your escape.

As PP have said, do not do yourself down as "a coward". You have taken a very brave decision to leave, you have held your nerve to put things in place over months and you are facing up to a huge, life changing event. If you need to communicate by text or email - especially if it is safer for you - then so be it.

I have everything crossed for you and I am fervently holding on for the post when you say, "I did it! I am in my new home!". xxx

I was on your last thread and still think about you from time to time. I am so deeply relieved that the right place came up and you are getting out of there. Sending much strength and courage, you are so brave. And here's to a wonderful new life for you and your children x

I was on your previous thread and I was one of the people encouraging you to accept the other house. I've never been happier to find out that I was completely wrong! So happy for you that you will be moving to a house you love and most importantly you will be free from your abusive STBX. I agree with many PPs that you shouldn't say a word to him until after you've left.

Well done! It can be so hard to break free. I'm in awe of your courage.

Thank you everyone for all your support and kind words. Another update - H knows now - in the end I sent him a long message when I was away on holiday telling him that I wanted to separate. He’s been very calm since and didn’t react in the way I thought he would (maybe too calm?) We are trying to work together to keep things amicable while we still live together and I get the new place sorted. I am keeping my guard up and I don’t trust him 100% as I’ve seen cracks appearing in his grown up/reasonable demeanour. I know that the advice was to just go and then tell him but I know that ripping our oldest out of his home would have been deeply traumatic for him.

Last night we told our teenager together and it was the worst night of my life, he reacted so much worse than I imagined. He was so upset 😔 DS went to his room upset and H said to me “Don’t forget, this was all your fucking decision” He went to run after DS and I said to him to give him a couple of minutes. He said I don’t get to control how he speaks to his children anymore.

We both individually spoke to DS, he’s very upset and was worried about us getting boyfriends or girlfriends poor thing. He’s devastated. We all went to bed and H slept in DS room (he normally does, we have an unconventional sleeping arrangement) I could hear them chatting late into the night. DS wouldn’t say goodnight to me 😔

Despite H’s shitty behaviour over the years DS is very close to his Dad and extremely attached to the family home. I know things will improve over time but I’m very concerned right now and feeling like the shittiest Mother and human being in the world. I am consumed by self hatred! We will share custody of DS teen (I will have our youngest a lot more) and I’m so concerned that he will want to spend most of his time in the family home with his Dad. It’s such a horrible, sad situation. I am so concerned about the impact this will have on my relationship with DS and I know I’m at a big disadvantage unfortunately being the one to leave. I do feel like stbx will always hold the trump card now when it comes to our teenager. He’s been talking about picking DS up at 8.30pm and him sleeping in the family home. It’s shit.

Ex now wants to go for primary carer of our oldest, it’s such a shitty, awful situation.

I know things will eventually settle down and our teen will adjust in the end, I’ll make his home a lovely, safe place and I hope he will be happy when he stays with me (50/50) I just feel like I’ve torn his life apart. H mother hates my guts and my parents are devastated and want us to stay with him despite me telling them everything that he’s done over the years.

I so worried that DS will blame me and our relationship will be ruined. It’s also concerning that he’s lost trust in me as I set up this whole house in secret.

Sorry, not a positive update but it’s early days, I’m going to take things very slowly with teen (he’s autistic) and just hope and pray that everything will eventually settle down. I feel like I’ve ruined his life. I haven’t gone into the whys with H as I know how nasty he can be. He’s mentioned his mother a few times and how I’m lucky as she could make life very difficult (hell) for me, solicitors/throwing money at H/false accusations against me etc.

Thank you all for reading 🌷 Feeling like the most awful person in the world. Hopefully I will have a more positive update in a few weeks. On a positive note, the new house is lovely and is coming together nicely X

This

@SecretsSecretss I remember those threads and my heart ached for you having to put up with such a nasty-assed man-child.

CONGRATULATIONS on getting your freedom! You and your children deserve to have happiness and love flowing in your house without all the eggshell walking and the temper-tantrums for a "grown" man.

Celebrate and enjoy your new life! 💯👏👏🎉🎊🏡

OP, don't hate yourself or feel guilty. You know all of this is your husband's fault, not yours. You couldn't possibly stay with that awful man for your son's sake, your parents' sake or anyone's. You're right, he will get used to and secure with the new normal, he's just struggling to deal with the transition.

Just focus on the move to your new home. When is it happening?

If older DS comes to you after school and is collected by his father at 8.30pm, you will bear the cost of feeding him.

I know you will feed him etc but it’s just something to keep in mind in your negotiations. Would you be doing his washing and stuff, too?

The relationship with DS has already been badly affected by ExH's abusive behaviour toward you.

DS has chosen to stay on the sweet side of ExH for his own self protection. He has therefore already been alienated from you - he has likely realised for a long time that living in the family home with both of you under the same roof means he is implicitly required (by ExH) to choose sides. You're just now seeing it starkly.

Be prepared for bold, brazen, and explicit attempts at further alienation by exH as this progresses. It probably already started in that long conversation they had.

Deep down he has probably sensed the misery that lies at the foundation of his family and he's feeling a lot of anxiety about stability, hence his attachment to the family home.

DS urgently needs therapy - fight for this as part of the settlement. The younger child will need therapy too.

It is absolutely wrong and unacceptable that your ExH sleeps in his teenage son's room.

Children do not emerge unscathed from life with an abuser.

Sorry it’s such a painful time for you. Things will get better, just do your best for your children.