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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New man masturbation anxiety

236 replies

Twoseasonsleeper · 21/05/2025 15:18

Not sure whether to be annoyed at him, or myself, or just slightly disappointed.

Been seeing a guy for a couple of months. We get on fine. We’re at the stage now where I am thinking that maybe this could go somewhere, and I have zero desire to be anything but honest with him about everything in my life. Secrets and lies are for other people’s relationships.

I work from home most days and we were chatting last night about how boring it is sometimes. He asked how I fill my days and I joked that the W in WFH meant walking, washing and wanking (ie sometimes I go for a walk, do the laundry or masturbate).

He seemed genuinely surprised that I would, in his words, ‘need to’ masturbate now that I am in a relationship and that he felt a bit anxious that he wasn’t good enough. I laughed it off and said that it’s no reflection on him at all, that I do it cos it feels good not cos I ‘need to’ and that it’s just a nice way to pass the time on occasion when I’m bored and work’s a bit light (when there’s no washing and it’s too rainy to walk!).

He seemed subdued like I’d broken some bad news to him. Not sure what else I could’ve said really. It’s no big deal to me if he does it. I don’t care either way and wish I’d never mentioned it about myself now. He’s making a mountain out of a molehill and I’m not sure what, if anything, to do.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 21/05/2025 15:22

A lot of men would find it a turn on. I'd tread cautiously and if he continues to sulk or keeps mentioning it, dump him. Don't let anyone control you.

VoodooQualities · 21/05/2025 15:22

Now you've been introduced to his almighty penis, why on earth would you need anything else?

IFellInto · 21/05/2025 15:24

He obviously needs reassurance about his performance.
He is seeing it as a reflection of his performance, even though it isn’t. I just think that men can’t actually grasp that women like to masturbate, just as they do. It’s weird.

Koazy · 21/05/2025 15:32

I think that’s an odd thing to say but his attitude seems odd too.

Flowers73752 · 21/05/2025 15:34

VoodooQualities · 21/05/2025 15:22

Now you've been introduced to his almighty penis, why on earth would you need anything else?

😂

AJ20 · 21/05/2025 15:35

Good grief, yet another another issue with work from home 🙄. Maybe you should use that time for WORKING!

Twoseasonsleeper · 21/05/2025 15:37

AJ20 · 21/05/2025 15:35

Good grief, yet another another issue with work from home 🙄. Maybe you should use that time for WORKING!

This is definitely the main issue.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 21/05/2025 15:39

AJ20 · 21/05/2025 15:35

Good grief, yet another another issue with work from home 🙄. Maybe you should use that time for WORKING!

I agree.

Twoseasonsleeper · 21/05/2025 15:39

VoodooQualities · 21/05/2025 15:22

Now you've been introduced to his almighty penis, why on earth would you need anything else?

Maybe I should’ve said that! Ha!

He has never shown any anxiety about sexual performance before (nor should he, it’s all good). It’s weird. And honestly it’s not a big deal for me either. If someone said I had to not ever do it again for some reason I’d be like ‘Meh, whatever’. It’s just a thing to pass the time nicely, not a response to my desperation caused by him being crap in bed. Rah.

OP posts:
treetopsgreen · 21/05/2025 15:41

Tbh if the man I was dating for a few months said that to me I find it a bit off.

GroovyChick87 · 21/05/2025 15:42

He sounds like he has the potential to be a bit controlling. This would put me off, no one should be trying to suggest I shouldn't be self pleasuring and neither should he be assuming sexual fulfilment with him and the urge to masturbate are mutually exclusive. Maybe he's not used to being with a woman with a high libido.

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 15:43

Did you ask him if he’s stopped wanking since you’ve been together?

Bumdrops · 21/05/2025 15:43

treetopsgreen · 21/05/2025 15:41

Tbh if the man I was dating for a few months said that to me I find it a bit off.

Me too 😂😂
is he feeling the ick about you wanking through the day or is he feeling threatened ??
more to explore I think here ?!

Mightyhike · 21/05/2025 15:47

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 15:43

Did you ask him if he’s stopped wanking since you’ve been together?

This. Does it apply to him as well as you OP? If not, he may be the kind of guy that puts women on pedestals rather than thinking of them as real people.

Twoseasonsleeper · 21/05/2025 15:52

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 15:43

Did you ask him if he’s stopped wanking since you’ve been together?

I didn’t. I don’t think about it and don’t care! Maybe I should say that.

OP posts:
AppropriateAdult · 21/05/2025 15:54

Honestly, while I don’t expect my husband not to masturbate, if he cheerfully announced to me that he was spending half his mornings at it, I’d totally get the ick.

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 15:55

Twoseasonsleeper · 21/05/2025 15:52

I didn’t. I don’t think about it and don’t care! Maybe I should say that.

Ask him. See what he says. I highly doubt he’s stopped doing it.

LemonLimeOrangeKiwi · 21/05/2025 15:56

Perhaps he is worried it’s some passive aggressive way you are telling him he is crap in bed.

Twoseasonsleeper · 21/05/2025 15:59

AppropriateAdult · 21/05/2025 15:54

Honestly, while I don’t expect my husband not to masturbate, if he cheerfully announced to me that he was spending half his mornings at it, I’d totally get the ick.

With respect that’s not quite what I did!

OP posts:
Fetchthevet · 21/05/2025 16:02

Maybe he's just not used to someone talking so openly about wanking.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 21/05/2025 16:04

I think he'd be on thin ice if he said that to me. I'd let it go as a one off, but one more indication that he wanted to control what I did with my own body, and I'd be done with him.

StripyShirt · 21/05/2025 16:04

He should be a bit turned on by that and grateful that you have a good sex drive.

GroovyChick87 · 21/05/2025 16:06

Fetchthevet · 21/05/2025 16:02

Maybe he's just not used to someone talking so openly about wanking.

They're having a sexual relationship. You wouldn't talk about it with a neighbour or a work colleague, but I can't imagine being so uptight with someone I'm about to be intimate with. In OP's context it sounded like a lighthearted comment anyway. It would turn me off for someone to be so uptight.

BellissimoGecko · 21/05/2025 16:08

VoodooQualities · 21/05/2025 15:22

Now you've been introduced to his almighty penis, why on earth would you need anything else?

😂😂

Ferretsdownmytrousers · 21/05/2025 16:09

I’d see this as a small red flag I’m afraid, and I’d definitely be alert to any other signs that you see of control. You’ve disclosed something personal to him that is perfectly normal for most adults and he’s used it to sulk and turn petulant about instead of responding in a kind or loving manner. What might he not like next? He shouldn’t be sulking about what you may or may not chose to do in the comfort of your own home in private.

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