New man masturbation anxiety

[Twoseasonsleeper]

Not sure whether to be annoyed at him, or myself, or just slightly disappointed.

Been seeing a guy for a couple of months. We get on fine. We’re at the stage now where I am thinking that maybe this could go somewhere, and I have zero desire to be anything but honest with him about everything in my life. Secrets and lies are for other people’s relationships.

I work from home most days and we were chatting last night about how boring it is sometimes. He asked how I fill my days and I joked that the W in WFH meant walking, washing and wanking (ie sometimes I go for a walk, do the laundry or masturbate).

He seemed genuinely surprised that I would, in his words, ‘need to’ masturbate now that I am in a relationship and that he felt a bit anxious that he wasn’t good enough. I laughed it off and said that it’s no reflection on him at all, that I do it cos it feels good not cos I ‘need to’ and that it’s just a nice way to pass the time on occasion when I’m bored and work’s a bit light (when there’s no washing and it’s too rainy to walk!).

He seemed subdued like I’d broken some bad news to him. Not sure what else I could’ve said really. It’s no big deal to me if he does it. I don’t care either way and wish I’d never mentioned it about myself now. He’s making a mountain out of a molehill and I’m not sure what, if anything, to do.

Do you work for HMRC by any chance OP? Or BT? Or DVLA?

To be honest, if a man said that to me I’d find it a bit….tasteless. Not the wanking, I’d be fine with that. The talking about it.

But if he’s bothered by you masturbating-dump at once.

Red flag! He sounds very insecure. I'd definitely monitor it.

You're not alone. I would too. I'm no prude, but some things do just sound crass. There's nothing wrong with a bit of decorum either. I think we've struck the balance wrong in current times. There's a balance between being an uptight prude and being so liberal and over sharing that it's embarrassing/unnecessary.

I was watching a reel of Davina McCall spilling all in a 'brave and stunning' episode talking about sex and masturbating, and she said it'd be good to leave lube out for teenagers to wank with. I think that's crossing any form of boundary between a parent and a child. If my parent had have done that I'd have been utterly horrified.

Boundaries!!!!!! Let's get the bloody balance back.

I expect if you're relationship is all new , he likes to think the only sexual activity you want is with him. I kind of get that. It sort of reduces sexual pleasure to a 'function' whereas when you're 'in love' I think sexual pleasure is tied in with them not about scratching an itch.

But… why can’t someone enjoy sex with their partner and also ‘scratch an itch’ when they have one? Why can’t sexual pleasure be both a function and also about a relationship? That’s normal and healthy.

I’ve got to be honest: I do find the idea of someone being resentful that their partner might have an orgasm on their own very odd and I do think it’s a red flag with controlling overtones. Any man who felt threatened by me having control of my own sexual pleasure would get the elbow from me very quickly.

Well done at getting women talking about wanking, OP 🧐

I’ve never understood calling it wanking when it’s a woman. Don’t know why, the word just doesn’t feel right to me!

He’s missing out. The correct answer was to ask to be involved/informed next time.

We both WFH pretty much full time, occasional office day here and there. The militant “you should be working!!” folk have obviously never had sex on work time, and… see previous comment about missing out. 😂

Absolutely. An answer like that would probably be a relationship ender - I'd just think it was utterly naff and attention seeking.

I’d rather they talk about whether I should dump the BF, to be honest. I don’t care what anyone does, and I don’t really want to hear about it.

When I made my joke last night I was repeating something someone said to me about what WFH stood for. It wasn’t some kind of erotic revelation. I also mentioned walking and washing. I presumed he’d laugh at it being a shit joke. Quite pissed off in retrospect that he’s more bothered about us both wanking than he is about us both doing the laundry!

Why do we always have to overshare . I'm sick of hearing these tired clichés "we don't talk about periods" (yes we fucking do!) "we don't talk about sex " yes we fucking do !! "We don't talk about menopause" yes we fucking do! Bring back the "get on with it" attitude. Yes, talk about it. But don't go on about it like it's some nouvelle concept.

Imho , op overshared. Together a long time ? Bit different

God it was a joke! Just words beginning with W! I could just as easily have said wicker basket making or willow weaving. I just don’t actually do those things whereas I do do the other things.

I guess I'm just not really sure where porn really comes into the OP's particular dilemma, as her partner hasn't mentioned it and this is about his attitude to her wanking, not about whether or not he wanks himself. I don't think 'man is offended by women enjoying themselves' equates to 'man doesn't watch porn', and I don't think 'man wanks' automatically means 'man watches porn'.

FWIW - bin him, IMO.

At best, there’s a personality difference because your attempt at a tiny bit of sexual humour wouldn’t have gotten this response otherwise.

At worst, he’s bothered what you do with your own genitals, and that’s a huge ick.

Maybe he's assuming, because he is a man and most men use porn when they masturbate, that you are doing the same and this is what is making him slightly upset?

Exactly! Who stops in the working day for a wank? Yuk.

There's a balance between being an uptight prude and being so liberal and over sharing that it's embarrassing/unnecessary.

I wouldn't say that talking sexually with your lover is over sharing. Getting a megaphone and walking up and down the street is over sharing.

Quite a lot of people.

I’m not sure whether there is sarcasm here but I imagine it’s most people at some point in their working lives!

Ha ha, yes. Next time I'm waiting on the line to talk to someone from HMRC, I'm going to wonder if it's someone wfh who's chosen to have a wank rather than take my call.

Ok then, I didn't say it expecting it to be scrutinised too deeply, but then you asked so I elaborated. I'd be quite happy to have a non-masturbating man, as long as he's not a prude.

(When I typed 'elaborated' in that paragraph above, autocorrect tried to change it to 'ejaculated', which I think is just wonderful).

Most people? I don't think so.

This is a couple who are sleeping together. They've shared each other's body fluids, ffs. I think they're past the point where it's indecorous to share a few words about wanking. It's not like she told him this on their first date. They're having sex.

If she'd announced to her next door neighbour that she sometimes has a daytime wank, then yes, that would be oversharing. But I can't see that it's oversharing to mention it to someone who has presumably had his own fingers in exactly the same place she's putting them.

😂

Come on a wank takes what 5 mins tops. I bet you waste more time than that chatting to Julie from HR about what you ate for dinner last night.