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Original poster

Dad has disowned me

180 replies

daddysgirlnot · 18/05/2025 20:14

Long post, thank you for reading.
The background:
I am the eldest of 3, the only girl. Also an army brat, childhood was characterised by toxic masculinity, in that my Dad took the boys fishing/football clubs etc. Spent no time with me. I guess he thought my place was with mum. However, I never felt loved by her. I’d go as far as to say she was emotionally abusive. Very lonely childhood.
Significant incident:
My brother & his partner had a child. They texted Dad the details of the christening. He forwarded this on to my other brother but not to me. Lots of conversations etc occurred about it, none included me. Long story short, they forgot to invite me. I reacted with upset, and rather than apologise, I was made out to be the villain, they removed me from their social media, and I’ve seen this child less than 10 times (he’s now 8yrs). Dad never intervened or stood up for me.
Decision made by me:
I was very ill this year and was in hospital and reflected. Came to the conclusion that 8 yrs was a long time to treat someone badly. Told Dad I was having nothing more to do with my brothers. (Not on a heated argument, was done in a gentle way when I got home from hospital). You should also know Dad lives two doors down from me. They drive past my house every week, never let me know they’re at Dads, call into mine, or enquire about my children. I buy the child birthday & Christmas presents anyway.
Today:
Nephews Holy Communion. Dad sent me a pic, and it triggered something. Told him to stop sending pictures of the child coz it hurts. Also hurts that he never misses this child’s school events, but never once attended any of my children’s things. Reminded him he forgot my child’s birthday; also that when my son passed his driving test he bought him a card, whereas he bought my niece a car.
Dads response:
you are no longer part of this family. I hope you are happy. Do not contact me again.

What do I do now?

OP posts:
SleeplessInWherever · 18/05/2025 20:17

Honestly, leave it.

You don’t need him.

My dad showed his true colours when I was around 18, but had been a waste of time for years before then. I invited him to my wedding - didn’t show, never tried to engage with him since.

It’s shit, and we expect better from the people who created us, but you don’t need to make space in your life for someone who will treat you that way. Father or not. You also don’t need to beg for a parent.

Kathbrownlow · 18/05/2025 20:19

You will feel much better for leaving him to it. Go NC or very LC for your own happiness.

Theunamedcat · 18/05/2025 20:21

daddysgirlnot · 18/05/2025 20:14

Long post, thank you for reading.
The background:
I am the eldest of 3, the only girl. Also an army brat, childhood was characterised by toxic masculinity, in that my Dad took the boys fishing/football clubs etc. Spent no time with me. I guess he thought my place was with mum. However, I never felt loved by her. I’d go as far as to say she was emotionally abusive. Very lonely childhood.
Significant incident:
My brother & his partner had a child. They texted Dad the details of the christening. He forwarded this on to my other brother but not to me. Lots of conversations etc occurred about it, none included me. Long story short, they forgot to invite me. I reacted with upset, and rather than apologise, I was made out to be the villain, they removed me from their social media, and I’ve seen this child less than 10 times (he’s now 8yrs). Dad never intervened or stood up for me.
Decision made by me:
I was very ill this year and was in hospital and reflected. Came to the conclusion that 8 yrs was a long time to treat someone badly. Told Dad I was having nothing more to do with my brothers. (Not on a heated argument, was done in a gentle way when I got home from hospital). You should also know Dad lives two doors down from me. They drive past my house every week, never let me know they’re at Dads, call into mine, or enquire about my children. I buy the child birthday & Christmas presents anyway.
Today:
Nephews Holy Communion. Dad sent me a pic, and it triggered something. Told him to stop sending pictures of the child coz it hurts. Also hurts that he never misses this child’s school events, but never once attended any of my children’s things. Reminded him he forgot my child’s birthday; also that when my son passed his driving test he bought him a card, whereas he bought my niece a car.
Dads response:
you are no longer part of this family. I hope you are happy. Do not contact me again.

What do I do now?

Move and fuck them all miserable bastards will probably look to you to provide care when he gets old

Mrsttcno1 · 18/05/2025 20:24

I’m sorry OP what an awful situation.

But honestly what you do now is look at what their actions & words are telling you and believe them. They’re not your family, they don’t want to be, you deserve better.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 18/05/2025 20:28

It's unfortunate that you live so near - it would be a lot easier if you didn't. But I would just keep my distance and if he ever approaches you for help in the future, remind him that he told you himself that you were not part of the family. Honestly, he sounds awful and you and your children are probably better off with him out of your lives.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 18/05/2025 20:30

Honestly I would move. Whatever the cost. Your mh needs it imo.

Bababear987 · 18/05/2025 20:43

You enjoy the rest of your life without those assholes and obviously you move!

Original poster
daddysgirlnot · 18/05/2025 20:43

Thank you all so much for reading & replying. Could write a book on the many past hurts, but I agree with what you’re saying. I’m done with him now. We are actually at a ‘move or improve’ point in our lives; architect was out to ours this week. Will look seriously into moving instead.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 18/05/2025 20:46

I'm assuming you're an adult OP, how come you couldn't contact your brother and arrange to see your nephew? Doesn't he speak to you?

Your dad hasn't treated you well all your life and doesn't like the fact you keep criticising him. He's not going to change and it seems like you're the family scapegoat.

Where is your mum in all this?

TasWair · 18/05/2025 20:48

Bloody hell. I wish I could give you a hug! Horrible situation.
You've finally stood up for that little girl you once were, and for your own child too. That is truly courageous OP. Your father is bad for you and bad to you and though it will be hard sometimes, your life will be better now.

I once heard an analogy that it's far better to drop out of the race than battle on, exhausting yourself to get the last place. And your father will only ever offer you last place.

S0j0urn4r · 18/05/2025 20:49

Needless to say your bros will be absolutely fine with sorting care for dear daddy when that time comes.
Do not get drawn into that.

Original poster
daddysgirlnot · 18/05/2025 20:51

MiloMinderbinder925 · 18/05/2025 20:46

I'm assuming you're an adult OP, how come you couldn't contact your brother and arrange to see your nephew? Doesn't he speak to you?

Your dad hasn't treated you well all your life and doesn't like the fact you keep criticising him. He's not going to change and it seems like you're the family scapegoat.

Where is your mum in all this?

We went to my brothers house once and the reception was frosty, so we never tried again. And as I said, I always remember the child on his birthday & at Xmas. I haven’t’kept’ criticising Dad, this tumbled out today. Mum died many years ago. Dad has a new partner who initially joined In scapegoating me, but has since realised my brothers’ partners were the issue & she should never treated me like that. She’ll always take Dad’s side though.

OP posts:
ClearUP · 18/05/2025 20:51

In a similar situation, my counsellor has recommended ‘Let them’, Mel Robbins.

Book/podcast.

AnonWho23 · 18/05/2025 20:53

I'd send his a 👍

SENNeeds2 · 18/05/2025 20:57

Sorry but your dad is a dick - he is also very cruel but in the long run he has done you a favour because you now know not to waste anytime on this toxic man. You are now creating space in your life to let people in who treasure you and value you.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 18/05/2025 20:58

daddysgirlnot · 18/05/2025 20:51

We went to my brothers house once and the reception was frosty, so we never tried again. And as I said, I always remember the child on his birthday & at Xmas. I haven’t’kept’ criticising Dad, this tumbled out today. Mum died many years ago. Dad has a new partner who initially joined In scapegoating me, but has since realised my brothers’ partners were the issue & she should never treated me like that. She’ll always take Dad’s side though.

Show quote history

It doesn't matter if you get a frosty reception, you're there to see your nephew. Offer to take him out somewhere.

It seems as though from your dad's perspective, he is being criticised. He sent you a photo and you criticised him. It sounds like for him it's the last straw.

I'm not saying he's right OP, I already said that your dad hasn't treated you well all your life. It sounds like you're the family scapegoat and that means your family is dysfunctional and unhealthy.

Your energy would be better spent getting therapy to process all this.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 18/05/2025 21:07

Oh my goodness, what have I just read? This is so awful - I am so sorry this happened to you. It chips away at your soul to be around people who dont value and care about you - and sounds like that poor treatment extends to your children too. I would spend your energy on the family you have made, but perhaps some counselling would help to support you = your dads behaviour is shocking and traumatizing, so it would make sense that you feel devastated.

Wherearemymarbles · 18/05/2025 21:14

You have, correctly, called your dad out. He knows he’s a twat but can’t admit it to you or himself so takes the nuclear option.

I would move away. You will 100% be expected to care for your dad if required and you will 100% be left out of his will.

Sadly there are a great many men who see women, even their own daughters, as unimportant 3rd class citizens

BlueTitShark · 18/05/2025 21:16

I’m sorry @daddysgirlnot
The relationship with your dad clearly has reached the end of the road.

What to do now? Nothing. Your brothers nor your dad have shown you they don’t want you in their life. The best you can do is to ,I’ve your own life fully, wo trying to get crumbs of attention anymore.

I have to say, I’d vote for moving too.
Not the least because if your dad and brothers are in the men/women roles, they will probably expect you to step up and look after him when needs be. ‘Because you’re so close, it won’t be an issue right?’

downpressorman · 18/05/2025 21:18

Sorry for you OP. I had similar with 2 step brothers, a psycho mum and very lonely childhood.

I had to grieve the loss and let them all get on with it. Picking on the only little girl and later young vulnerable adult woman seemed to suit them well. I don't have any contact with any of them and my life improved a thousand fold as a result.

When you get rid of the shit, so many better things come your way but it can be so very hard processing all of this. A good therapist will help as pps say, and get as far away as you can. One day you will look back and feel you have the strength of a lioness as a result. Good luck, hugs x

Jeevesnotwooster · 18/05/2025 21:19

I'm sorry OP. Sounds fecking awful.

It's actually not for your Dad to decide to exclude you from the family. But you can choose to leave. The only reason you might not want to is so you can keep a relationship with your nephew.

Original poster
daddysgirlnot · 18/05/2025 21:20

Hotflushesandchilblains · 18/05/2025 21:07

Oh my goodness, what have I just read? This is so awful - I am so sorry this happened to you. It chips away at your soul to be around people who dont value and care about you - and sounds like that poor treatment extends to your children too. I would spend your energy on the family you have made, but perhaps some counselling would help to support you = your dads behaviour is shocking and traumatizing, so it would make sense that you feel devastated.

Thank you for your kind reply. The irony is that I recently completed 6 sessions of counselling to come to terms with the shabby behaviour of Dad & my brothers over the years. Conclusion I came to at that point was to continue to see Dad at least weekly as he is elderly now. Today was tipping point though. Think I’ve run out of patience with respect to the emotional abuse I’ve been subjected to, and I’ve realised there’ll be more to come if I stick it out. After he forgot my son’s birthday I told him a few days later. He was very apologetic. Four weeks later he forgot my daughters, then admonished me for not reminding him. He needs no reminders for my brothers’ children lol. Today was my final straw. Came on here feeling like a madwoman, but comments like yours validate my feelings. Thank you.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/05/2025 21:20

Sounds like the brothers (or their partners) want your share of the inheritance. Wouldnt be at all surprised if they are behind him cutting you off and would bet that they talk him into changing his will before the end of the week.....

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 18/05/2025 21:21

How did you end up living so near to your father ?
who moved / bought first.

time to move much much further away.

Calliopespa · 18/05/2025 21:23

Op this isn’t a trap but the way we can best help you.

Can you write a short post of what you think they (especially your dad) would say if they were posting here. Doesn’t mean it’s true, it’s just that without that this feels hard to address in any meaningful way.

What we have so far is really just that your Dad ignored you growing up, then they left you out of the christening and have ostracised you pretty much entirely. I’m on your side but it does feel like there are gaps. I know these things can be hard to condense.