Dad has disowned me

[daddysgirlnot]

Long post, thank you for reading.
The background:
I am the eldest of 3, the only girl. Also an army brat, childhood was characterised by toxic masculinity, in that my Dad took the boys fishing/football clubs etc. Spent no time with me. I guess he thought my place was with mum. However, I never felt loved by her. I’d go as far as to say she was emotionally abusive. Very lonely childhood.
Significant incident:
My brother & his partner had a child. They texted Dad the details of the christening. He forwarded this on to my other brother but not to me. Lots of conversations etc occurred about it, none included me. Long story short, they forgot to invite me. I reacted with upset, and rather than apologise, I was made out to be the villain, they removed me from their social media, and I’ve seen this child less than 10 times (he’s now 8yrs). Dad never intervened or stood up for me.
Decision made by me:
I was very ill this year and was in hospital and reflected. Came to the conclusion that 8 yrs was a long time to treat someone badly. Told Dad I was having nothing more to do with my brothers. (Not on a heated argument, was done in a gentle way when I got home from hospital). You should also know Dad lives two doors down from me. They drive past my house every week, never let me know they’re at Dads, call into mine, or enquire about my children. I buy the child birthday & Christmas presents anyway.
Today:
Nephews Holy Communion. Dad sent me a pic, and it triggered something. Told him to stop sending pictures of the child coz it hurts. Also hurts that he never misses this child’s school events, but never once attended any of my children’s things. Reminded him he forgot my child’s birthday; also that when my son passed his driving test he bought him a card, whereas he bought my niece a car.
Dads response:
you are no longer part of this family. I hope you are happy. Do not contact me again.

What do I do now?

I agree. He will be back in touch, but you need to resist the urge to help him. Leave that to sons he respects.

I cut my father off after a straw-that-broke-the-camel's back event. It was really painful for a year, especially because I had to break through the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt - especially the bloody Guilt) that had been instilled in me as a daughter but I stayed resolute because I did not want my children to be exposed to him and his meanness and destructive behaviors. I also didn't want to waste any more emotional energy on him myself. The pain disappeared after 1 year and now, 20 years later, I hardly ever think of him and when I do it is with dispassion. I did the cut off without therapy, but think therapy would have helped a lot.

I have NEVER EVER regretted the cut off, it allowed me to give all my energy and time to my children, it let me build a rich peaceful life for me, my H, and them. I now look back and see that what I did was a courageous act that broke the chain of toxicity that had harmed so many people in the past, especially my sister. She had been groomed to be his servant and run after him, constantly seeking validation and love. He treated her horribly, pretty much like your father has treated you.

OP, I agree with @StopStartStop

"Get therapy, these people have been hurting you for years.
Block them - on your phone, on every social media, everywhere.
Keep busy, focusing on yourself and your children.
Move if you can, but otherwise keep your mind closed to your dad and co."

I'd add to that, watch out for the flying monkeys in the form of your brothers, their wives, other relatives, family friends, your father's gf etc. They'll come out in droves once they realize that they will have to step up for vicious old daddy. Block them all now.

Susan Forward's book "Toxic Parents" might be a good read for you. Her other book "Toxic In Laws" is also good, including for the adult children of toxic parents.

He has done you a favour. Take him at his word. Put the house on the market today and use this opportunity to be kind to your future self.
The toxic masculinity at the heart of this is so sad. Your dad is also a victim of it because his poor opinion of women is why you can’t communicate healthily. I feel sorry for him, but he will never change. He doesn’t want to. But he is not your sole responsibility. He and your brothers take the piss and take you completely for granted. Enough.
It will hurt to walk away but not nearly as much as if you stay.
Imagine the two versions of yourself in 5y….if you stay…and if you move. Which future do you want?
You are not a punchbag, you are a person with feelings who deserves to be treated with respect and listened to.
And once you’re out - get therapy.

Just echoing other posters but he’s furious as you aren’t being the compliant scapegoat he groomed you to be.

what should you do? Celebrate that you aren’t the compliant scapegoat, do that every single day. It’s not you it is 100% them. Your dad has the emotional maturity of a rock. Another book recommendation is Lindsay Gibson, children of emotionally immature parents.

Well it doesn’t seem like they’ve treated you as part of the family anyway so what would you lose?

Sounds like the brothers have been manipulated by your Dad into not liking or engaging with you. Perhaps he didn’t want a daughter?

It is awful but what can you do? I think you should move, not dwell on the past, just think of your future happiness without the angst of your “family”.

Speaking from experience,sadly ..
The red flags are all over your dad and brothers
You have ...like me ..put up with a lot over the years and this maybe ...like me ..be ..the best thing for you .
However it will be very difficult having him live so near you .
I don't know how I would of coped like that ,my dad thankfully lived a very long way away from me ,so not able to cause much damage.
I dread to think how my mental health would be , living so near .
Right now stay calm and keep going ,your probably in shock , probably thinking he doesn't mean it and he might come round ..
You have older children,has he cut them out too ?
Do they have a relationship with him ,how do they feel about everything?
At the end of the day , people don't change who they are once an adult,and once they have formed an idea of someone,they don't change that either
Don't waste any time begging for his love ,it should come freely..with no strings.
Take care of yourself and your family,and don't do anything rash that might make things worse .
Xx

Thank you all so much for your compassion and kindness. Reading your advice has really helped. Have contacted a counsellor and after a night’s sleep, I’m feeling less hurt and more determined not to engage with any of them again. Have been scrolling through property websites which is a lot of fun.

OP, your family sound about as dysfunctional as my (now ex) family! It stinks but there's nothing you can do. They've shown you who they are and they're clearly not willing to tolerate any criticism of the dysfunctional role they've allocated to you and your children. Well done for standing up for yourself and your DC! It sounds like you've reached a turning point just as I did. I went NC and whilst it was hard to begin with, I quickly began to realise I was better off without them. Sometimes the family we're born into isn't what it should be, we have to find our own flock. As others have said, a house move and a fresh start would probably be a good idea. Good luck! 💐

Ok. ... Playing devil's advocat. He forgot to forward you the message. You have prolonged this by saying you want nothing to do with any of them .
I genuinely understand you were hurt , your dad didn't stand up for you but he didn't get involved in sibling drama I understand that too. That's between you all as adults

You either continue like this or you speak to them. Your choice

Dear God, please move a.s.a.p.

Yep. You can believe it. Wiping dad's backside will be beneath them and they'll hope you'll be so grateful they want you again that you won't notice.

You need to move imo and not contact them again. You'll find some peace eventually when you're not reminded of it all the time.

So sorry you are going through this. if i was you i would write my father a letter outlining the hurt and rejection you feel. Then as others have suggested i would just leave it. You may never get the closure you are looking for. In his heart your dad probably knows he has been a terrible father to you but it is easier for him to blame you and cease contact. You have a right to feel angry and to mourn the family life you never had. As they say the best revenge is a life well lived. Go out and live yours to the fullest. Good luck Olive x

You read my mind with the care comment.
The you're no longer part of this family erm you haven't been treated like a part of the family for years.

No, this is not what happened….If you read the entire thread you’d know that I’ve tried to keep the lines of communication open in that regard. The issue is more about the prolonged emotional abuse endured for many years. ‘Devil’s advocate’ is rarely helpful in my experience

Thank you Olive. My husband had this idea too and the first draft of a letter is in progress.

The trash has taken itself out.
And you really need to not bring it back in.
I absolutely know the pain of loving a parent but knowing they are an awful person who harms you.
You need to love yourself and your son more... and know its unhealthy to have your father and brothers in your life.
Resist the temptation to try and sort it.
It's not sortable. He's a narcissist who can't love you as you deserve to be loved
Instead of addressing any issues he finds uncomfortable he just tries to make it all your fault, or act so angry it will drown out your legitimate grievances. This is narcissistic rage. Defense mechanisms because he doesn't want to feel bad so you have to be made to feel bad.
It won't improve.
You don't need this. All interaction will just eat away at your self esteem.
Delete his contact details and mean it. Don't do it to get revenge or evoke an apology. Really mean it. Cut him out of your life for your own sake.

Thank you

And regards to writing a letter..
It might be best to write it but never send it.
There's little chance you'll get closure and you need to be prepared for the emotional impact on you.
It could cause a torrent of abuse from him, he could make fun of it, he could show it to your brothers, he could use it against you.
Things you should consider how they might make you feel.
I wrote letters to my relative who abused me and then I had a little personal ceremony where I buried them in the ground. It was cathartic writing the letters.
But no way would I want those letters in the hands of my abuser because I know full well they do not want to hear my perspective and would only somehow use it against me.

I've a family like this OP but they moved away. There was a "straw that broke the camel's back" moment 9 years ago and that was that - they wouldn't/couldn't apologise for awful behaviour so I gave up. Dropped the rope, Let them or whatever you want to call it - and I didn't crawl back.

That was the end of my relationship with them There was a lot of "will waving" by them but I ignored that. I'm not interested in money - I only wanted a loving family and that they can't do.

So I have my own lovely happy unit with my husband and dc and there's no contact. I wish them well quietly in my heart but I can't be around them unless I'm prepared to be trodden into the ground. That's not an option.

Wishing you all the very best for the future. Take care of yourself 💐

OP he’s behaved like this for decades. He could be called a man’s man I suppose, but ignoring his daughters needs shows there is really no depth to the man. I wouldn’t send him a letter, he will never admit any wrongdoing, not until his death bed probably, where he will say he could have been a better father.

He knows he is a crap dad to you and he just does as he wants ie out with the boys. He is selfish. He moved close to you as he wanted something from you, you said he’s not visited you either but you live close. He moved for what you can do for him. Write the letter but don’t send it, he will show your brothers it and he will probably retaliate with every single thing he thinks you’ve done going back years. He will do that to put you in your place. Then what? Don’t send a letter it just escalates it.

If you want to be a pain in the bum and I would in your place, the best thing to do is silence, he will be waiting on a response and he won’t get one. That will surprise him big time. That will work with his mind far more than a letter that he can and will dispute. Silence is a consequence of bad behaviour and it will worry him.

You need to not care what he thinks, I think that’s the big issue, you do care. But this issue will continue for years unless you put a stop to it. It’s either now or 5 or 10 years from now.

Don’t send a letter, he will send one back and he will never accept he is in the wrong. Silence is a bigger statement.

I'd be loathe to send your dad a letter. Given what you've said it seems unlikely he will respond with an apology. You could just end up being tormented further and feeling the need to respond to that - there was a post last year by a lady in a similar position to you. She sent the letter and received a nasty response that re-wrote history.

If you want to be a pain in the bum and I would in your place, the best thing to do is silence, he will be waiting on a response and he won’t get one. That will surprise him big time. That will work with his mind far more than a letter that he can and will dispute. Silence is a consequence of bad behaviour and it will worry him.

I agree. Write you letter to him and get it all out but then burn it. Silence will be much more effective.

Ugh this was a hard read.

Good luck with the move , OP. Your dad and brothers sound horrendous, and strangely resentful of you.

The trash has indeed taken itself out. They’ve done you a favour, but the grief and pain of it all may hit you in waves for months or years to come.

Don’t be afraid to let it all out. Write your thoughts down. Dance. Cry. Go for runs. Stretch and walk. Speak to a counsellor.

Engage with whatever type of therapy you need to do to keep moving through it and know that you are better off without them but they are not better off without you.

If you write a letter, please don't send it! In my.experience, if you can't explain face-to-,face and in words what's up, a letter won't do it; and just adds to the drama, passed around, misinterpreted, fuel for tempers.

Move move move. No sharing of new address with these people either.

It’s a perfect opportunity as you are thinking about that anyways.

There will be no end of the abuse if you stay. Now he says you’re no longer a family but watch him and your brothers manipulating you into looking after him when he needs something (that they can’t be arsed to do).

And when you’re done helping, they will spit you out again and i can guarrantee that you won’t be in his will either, 100%.

Save yourself years of grief, move away, get more therapy and focus on your own family. Your brothers and dad haven’t behaved like normal family members for ages (or, ever) and they won’t start now.