Dad has disowned me

[daddysgirlnot]

Long post, thank you for reading.
The background:
I am the eldest of 3, the only girl. Also an army brat, childhood was characterised by toxic masculinity, in that my Dad took the boys fishing/football clubs etc. Spent no time with me. I guess he thought my place was with mum. However, I never felt loved by her. I’d go as far as to say she was emotionally abusive. Very lonely childhood.
Significant incident:
My brother & his partner had a child. They texted Dad the details of the christening. He forwarded this on to my other brother but not to me. Lots of conversations etc occurred about it, none included me. Long story short, they forgot to invite me. I reacted with upset, and rather than apologise, I was made out to be the villain, they removed me from their social media, and I’ve seen this child less than 10 times (he’s now 8yrs). Dad never intervened or stood up for me.
Decision made by me:
I was very ill this year and was in hospital and reflected. Came to the conclusion that 8 yrs was a long time to treat someone badly. Told Dad I was having nothing more to do with my brothers. (Not on a heated argument, was done in a gentle way when I got home from hospital). You should also know Dad lives two doors down from me. They drive past my house every week, never let me know they’re at Dads, call into mine, or enquire about my children. I buy the child birthday & Christmas presents anyway.
Today:
Nephews Holy Communion. Dad sent me a pic, and it triggered something. Told him to stop sending pictures of the child coz it hurts. Also hurts that he never misses this child’s school events, but never once attended any of my children’s things. Reminded him he forgot my child’s birthday; also that when my son passed his driving test he bought him a card, whereas he bought my niece a car.
Dads response:
you are no longer part of this family. I hope you are happy. Do not contact me again.

What do I do now?

I hope you're doing well OP ❤️

Thank you for asking… we’re in the midst of painting the house to get it ready to sell.. it’ll be up for sale by the end of July. I’m still having counselling which is really helping. We’ve talked a lot about narcissist triangulation and a few other things as well. It was my birthday in the middle of June… no phone call/text/card, so I didn’t send him a Father’s Day card. That was a very difficult weekend, so hubby booked a last minute break away for a few days to get me away from our street. In the meantime, my mum’s sister has found out. She’s my favourite aunt. She’s furious with Dad. She told me how loved I am by her, that I’ve always been ‘a lovely girl’, and there’s always a place for me on my mums side of the family. That really helped, because I wasn’t feeling particularly loved by anyone other than my husband and children, which saddened me. Currently in Somerset visiting my daughter. Will be back home next week, and the decorators are booked for the week after. I’m still resolute in never having Dad/brothers back in my life again. In fact, as time goes on, the more I see how cruel they are. Thank you for your kindness. I posted this at a very low point during all of this and honestly, I’m blown away by the kindness of strangers.

Thank you so much… The counselling is helping a lot. I’ll be more settled once I’ve moved and I don’t see their cars every day. I’m feeling more positive about things.

I am so happy to hear that your aunt reached out and told you how loved you are and you have a very loving, caring husband.

Op the no contact on your birthday is par for the course I’m afraid. They think it’s up to you to make the first move as they are always right. Theres no self reflection or empathy there at all and that’s exactly what got your brothers and dad into this. Very odd that these type of people all behave the same way and are so predictable.

I had a feeling they wouldn’t make any move towards you. It’s really not what a decent parent or decent men would do.

You are doing the right thing, as to do otherwise would just allow this nonsense to go on for more decades, cause you more grief and then of course to be on site for carer duties.

I’m glad your aunt is on your side as it does help to have a friendly face who knows the personalities involved. It gives you someone else to talk to as well.

I know you know this but make sure your moving out is low key to avoid any further drama.

Take care and enjoy your time in Somerset with your daughter and your lovely supportive husband.

I would block him everywhere, done and dusted. You don't need that toxicity in your life, we choose our friends and partners but unfortunately we don't choose our parents and siblings.

@daddysgirlnot I hope you are doing well. It’s never easy this nonsense.

@doodleZ1 thank you… I had 6 sessions of counselling via work. We covered Narcissistic triangulation amongst other things. Have commenced sessions with a wonderful woman who is a Louise Hay practitioner and specialises in Domestic Abuse. We’ve been working on the cycle of abuse and inner child work which has really helped. Have had a few ‘lightbulb’ moments. House is still not on the market… both my children had surgery at different times & hubby and I suspended things to focus on them. I’m dying to move though… It’s hard living so close by. Since May, my birthday & my son’s birthday was ignored. I can (almost) understand why Dad would not send me a card etc coz he has chosen to shun me, but my son does not deserve this treatment. It has strengthened my resolve to never have anything more to do with him. I’m off work at the moment because of it all, dreading going back but I’m hoping to return in two weeks. I have an amazing husband and children. I’m counting my blessings. Thank you so much for your kindness. Your lovely comments got me through some dark days xx

@daddysgirlnot thanks for letting us know the situation. You’ve been in my thoughts a lot as I fully understand the situation you are in, unfortunately from personal experience. You’ve certainly been through the mill recently and you are a strong person to be able to deal with it all. The important thing is you, your children and husband are well. That’s all that really matters. You can move house in time when everything settles down. If a phased return to work is available you should take it. It’s perfectly normal to do that. Take care. You are doing great.

Yes. You’ve done amazingly so far. This is the beginning of your healing and we’re all so thrilled you have a loving supportive family. You will be OK. Wishing you a happy and wonderful future x

I'm so glad the counselling is helping you. The fact that not only has your dad ignored your birthday, but his grandson's as well makes it crystal clear that you are doing the right thing in completely cutting him off and moving away.

Your aunt sounds absolutely lovely and she has made it very clear that you do have love and support from your mum's side of the family.

Good luck with your house sale and move. Hopefully the distance from your dad and the counselling will help you draw a line under your relationship with him and will make it easier for you have a new start in your new home.

How are you doing OP? 💐

Did you manage to move okay?

I bet you a tenner, that when he has another health scare, or is poorly, he will reach out and expect you to care for him/wipe his ass again. 😠
He would not dream of asking his sons, as he would fear that that would diminish him in their eyes, as he would go from being the manly strong dad, to the weak feeble old man, and he still wants to be thought of in high regard, and the top dog /patriarch of the family.

He's an old selfish twat. 😠
Please never return contact, as it will always be one sided, and he will use your guilt against you.
I hope you're okay and you had a nice Halloween and bonfire night xx

I agree, if you live in an area where property sells well the agents should be able to market it without advertising. Imagine the apoplectic reaction of your father and brothers when a removal van turns up one Friday morning ! He stated you are no longer a member of the family, right o, off we go then. Let’s see how attentive and engaging your brothers are when dad needs more help, bet they are relying on you to do that, probably encouraged him to move so close to you for that very reason.

OP it’s pretty obvious that your situation has touched a lot of people here and they still remember you. I know it’s one story that I will remember for a very long time. The sheer unfairness of this situation boils the blood. If anyone comes from such a family they can recognise it straight away. A total lack of empathy and they have to be in control, no matter the consequences, even to themselves. With the added grief that they think they are in the right. I hope you are well.

I cannot imagine saying those words to any of my children no matter what the back story. I’m so sorry. HOWEVER, this is clearly a very toxic situation which seems unlikely to change, so you are probably better off not being in touch with them.

Estrangement is very painful. But you can build a happy life with friends, your own family, your job, etc. Focus on that.

Make damn sure you don't become your parents' carer when they get old. No doubt they will think that's your role as the only girl! Run, now!

Thank you for asking. I’m beginning to truly believe that things happen for a reason… The house move has been delayed as my children were ill in June/July. Both required surgery for different reasons. They’re both adults, but they both needed me at the time. Moreover, DH & I couldn’t find a new home that we liked. Anyway, we went for a spin in the car one day to escape everything, and noticed a barn for sale in an area we never considered, but is actually perfect for us! The vendor accepted our offer and it’s currently ‘sale agreed’. So, in the spring (fingers crossed) we’ll be renovating a barn and creating a home bespoke to us. I’m so excited. We might need to live in a mobile home for a few months but I truly do not care about that x

I won’t. Tomorrow will be 6 months since the shunning started. The longer it goes on, the more resolved I am with the situation. I’m more at peace without them now. Christmas will be the last of the ‘firsts’ without them. I’m looking forward to the new year x

Thank you so much. I agree with you. I think what made it hard initially is that I know how easy it is to love your children, and to love them in equal measure. The scales fell from my eyes and I realised I wasn’t cared about at all. I provided free childcare and nursed them when they were ill. Listened to their troubles etc The fun was reserved for my brothers. Both my parents said hateful things over the years. I’m over it all now. I’m determined to move forward and enjoy the rest of my life. Sometimes memories enter my head, but I distract myself & keep busy until it passes xx

This is the plan. We’ve identified a good agent local to us, and we are lucky coz we do live in a popular development. I’m worried in case something kicks off at Christmas, but DH and I have decided to not respond to anything. x

Hi @daddysgirlnot tbe fact they’ve not contacted you for 6 months just shows how right you were to call a halt to this. Have you seen your dad or brothers in passing as your dad lives in the same street? Totally chuffed for you. Upwards and onwards. What about the sale of your house, is that up for sale with a for sale sign? I couldn’t fall out with my kids for 6 months. Totally a control thing and as you say it will get easier in time when all the “firsts” are over. Enjoy this new exciting chapter in your life. I love the fact you came across this new adventure while driving about to get away from these issues. I’m sure your brothers will just love picking up the slack haha.

OP When your dad can ignore your birthday I would imagine he’s quite capable of ignoring Christmas. I think the only time it may come to a head is when he realises you are moving. My parents moved house during one of our many “not talking” episodes. They didn’t tell me about it. However we met at the local hospital one day when we were visiting a relative and my mother said she thought I would have come to see her new house! The new house she didn’t tell me she moved to. Nought as queer as folk as they say.

Thank you all for linking in this month… Only catching up now because work has been busy. The house move has been delayed due to our children being ill in June/July, but it’s worked out for the best. We are currently ‘sale agreed’ on a lovely barn which we’ll renovate in the Spring. We’re considering moving onto a mobile home on the plot, just to get away from the family while the work is being done. We are so excited…
We’ve listened to your advice and there will be no ‘For Sale’ signs on our house when the time comes, and have identified a good local estate agent.
DH bumped into Dad at a local garage recently. Dad winked and smiled at him and said ‘alright?’ as if nothing had ever happened. DH kept his gaze fixed ahead and didn’t respond or acknowledge him. This is our agreed plan of action, because historically this is how the family behaved. They’d treat me badly, blame me, shun me, then wait for the dust to settle and say something like ‘we’re having a get together this weekend, you’re welcome to come…’. Nothing was ever addressed and no apologies ever given. So, I’m determined to never go back. I’m worried about Christmas; it’s my late mums b’day on Christmas Day and dad is usually very sentimental at Christmas. I’m gonna be the villain when I ignore him (if he attempts contact), but I’ve always been the scapegoat anyway, so it’s no odds to me.
I want to all to know I’ve appreciated your comments and kindness. The advice has been amazing, and beneficial to me. Really helped me to recover from it all. Will keep you all updated re Christmas & housemove. Thank you all so much xx

OP Can you go out on Christmas Day, visiting your husbands family etc. It would avoid you sitting there thinking about it. Tbh I still think the line they will take is your dad is ill. Very easy for them to do that and for you to rush into guilt mode. Mine did that. It’s a raw nerve. Though if they are blocked everywhere that can’t happen. Go out at Christmas, then you are not available for any of them, you won’t be sitting worrying every time the door goes either and next Christmas it won’t be an issue at all!! Keep us posted.

Wow. I'm so sorry that you were abused like this. Your family are bizarre and sounds like they disliked a woman or girl even being part of it.

Was your mum abused by your dad and her sons as time went on also? Could that be why she was so distant? When I was in an abusive relationship I was a different person and would indeed take it out on my child. I didn't realise until he was gone and how much calmer I was. Being a happy parent is being a good parent.

But you can't and shouldn't do a thing about these awful people but ignore them. I hope you have good friends who are your family instead.