Dad has disowned me

[daddysgirlnot]

Long post, thank you for reading.
The background:
I am the eldest of 3, the only girl. Also an army brat, childhood was characterised by toxic masculinity, in that my Dad took the boys fishing/football clubs etc. Spent no time with me. I guess he thought my place was with mum. However, I never felt loved by her. I’d go as far as to say she was emotionally abusive. Very lonely childhood.
Significant incident:
My brother & his partner had a child. They texted Dad the details of the christening. He forwarded this on to my other brother but not to me. Lots of conversations etc occurred about it, none included me. Long story short, they forgot to invite me. I reacted with upset, and rather than apologise, I was made out to be the villain, they removed me from their social media, and I’ve seen this child less than 10 times (he’s now 8yrs). Dad never intervened or stood up for me.
Decision made by me:
I was very ill this year and was in hospital and reflected. Came to the conclusion that 8 yrs was a long time to treat someone badly. Told Dad I was having nothing more to do with my brothers. (Not on a heated argument, was done in a gentle way when I got home from hospital). You should also know Dad lives two doors down from me. They drive past my house every week, never let me know they’re at Dads, call into mine, or enquire about my children. I buy the child birthday & Christmas presents anyway.
Today:
Nephews Holy Communion. Dad sent me a pic, and it triggered something. Told him to stop sending pictures of the child coz it hurts. Also hurts that he never misses this child’s school events, but never once attended any of my children’s things. Reminded him he forgot my child’s birthday; also that when my son passed his driving test he bought him a card, whereas he bought my niece a car.
Dads response:
you are no longer part of this family. I hope you are happy. Do not contact me again.

What do I do now?

I’m so sorry OP. It is a horrible situation to be in and I hope you find some peace around it. Your dad sounds horrible. Focus on your family and don’t let him upset you any more. Big hugs to you.

Say goodbye and leave it. And let yourself grieve for thr family you never had. I also agree with moving, I'd do a big life change and not look back.

OP I would look up the term “emotional immaturity”. Your dad sounds like mine, takes offence at the slightest thing and over reacts with rage at the slightest innocent comment. The fact that his last text was totally out of proportion to what you did is a red flag that the man is emotionally immature. You didn’t deserve that appalling response, but men like him don’t like any form of challenge. They didn’t forget you at either the christening or the holy communion. Your dad especially should have asked if you were invited and stood up for you. That was his job. The fact he moved close to you, very close in fact after your mum died tells me what they have in store for your future, dads caregiver.

The only advice I would give to you is don’t send a text in reply. If you do he will get worse and worse, like my brother did. Replying and trying to change their opinion and getting them to see reason doesn’t work. People like that just can’t control their rage, they are emotionally immature. The best thing to do, if you can, is no response whatsoever. Either decide to block him now or wait and see if there’s another text and then decide.

You are always going to be seen as the selfish unreasonable one, it goes with the territory of these families. If you are considering extending your house or moving it would be best to move. That way you will not have the further indignity of being there when your dad ages and expected to do all the womanly work for him, while holding intense resentment at his treatment of you throughout your life. It would also be a new start for you. Move away, far enough not to be doing the caregiving and don’t answer his text. You can’t explain yourself to him, he is right, that’s the truth of the matter to him, he won’t listen.

A decent father wouldn’t have let your brother exclude you from family celebrations and a decent father wouldn’t make very significant differences in presents given to grandchildren. It’s not you, it’s him. Your brother with the 8 year old is of the same mindset. You havent mentioned your other brother is he the same? No response is the best response to your dad. Enough is enough.

That has made it all fall into place.

He always saw you as lesser because you are a woman.

So he moved near you to be convenient for his care (obviously his sons "cant" do it as it is a womans job) but he still has his sons to do fun stuff with.

He couldnt have made it more obvious if he tried. He hates women and especially women who stand up for themselves. I wonder if thats why your mother didnt connect with you, if he treated her badly just because she was a woman and then compounded the "crime" by giving him a daughter as the first born she may have been suffering too much abuse herself to be able to properly care for you. Especially if her kindness to you would have been criticised and angered him because he expected all kindness and care to go to him and his sons.

This is making me double down on my opinion " you will improve if you move!". You will improve your lives massively by moving, if you stay you will get sucked in again by the FOG when his care needs ramp up.

Just expect him to go fucking nuclear when the for sale sign goes up. FFS dont tell him your new address. He has cut you off, so protect yourself and take him at his word.

You should move, having them so close by will be a constant triggering reminder

I’d be telling the agent absolutely no for sale signs….

@Theunamedcat

"Move and fuck them all miserable bastards will probably look to you to provide care when he gets old"

That is EXACTLY what they expect. All of them.

Came to say the same thing about why he moved near OP and yet sees the brothers more as mates to hang out with. And why OP’s time can be used to collect his meds while his time and brothers’ time are more important. This ingrained misogyny in him will never change I’m afraid.

Sounds like the more OP bent over backwards to please him the less respect she got. I think he will be in touch when he needs help. For now, I wouldn’t attempt to respond to him in any way. And if he does reach out, OP should seriously consider if she needs this relationship. Not sure he will be any more respectful. He may well be worse, expecting her to be grateful he contacted again.

Move OP. Don’t have a for sale sign as it will just be drama.

You have been treated like a doormat, a Cinderella!
Please try to get away and do not let yourself go back. Because he will start to need you again when he realises he is missing his dogsbody.

I do hope you have someone who loves you and treats you well? And do look for a therapist you can help you unpack all the years of abuse. Good luck 🌺

this is coercive behaviour from your dad. It is extremely toxic. You need to distance yourself. It is possible that your brothers have been manipulated by him too. My dad was a drunken cheating asshole who ignored me or tried to put me down my entire life. I sympathise. you can't choose your family but you can choose to just leave them well behind.

you may feel like you need them to validate your, provide affection to you, but they are withholding that. So that is a sign for you to just leave them too it.

Be safe, be happy with your actual family, continue therapy, and my view wouild be to just cut them off. xxx

OP please consider investing in further therapy over time. This situation will continue to hurt you and it will take more than one course to reconcile yourself with the situation and to recover

I have no idea why your family is like this but I am so sorry. It’s weird that your father moved to be near you. I suspect with the expectation that you would care for him.

brace yourself for the final insult when you find yourself not in his will. It will sting less if you are completely NC with him and your brothers now as you will feel a certain control over the situation

there may even be something by way of a letter explaining that you were cut out of the will due to your non involvement in the family. Brace yourself for this and know none of that will be true. You would have been cut anyway.

you deserve better. They are the problems. Please seek out support now and move house and live your best life

You live your best life with people who love and care for you.

I know it is shit. I was still on what I thought were good terms with my brother but I didn't know my niece was making her first communion, you'd think they would have invited me since I'm her god mother.

I wasn't told about her confirmation either, or her brother's wedding, I only knew because my dad was invited.

I would have broken contact with my brother years before I actually did because I know it deeply hurts my dad that I'm no longer speaking to my brother.

Honestly my life is happier without my brother in it.

Look after yourself.

Why are you blaming your brothers' (presumably female) partners for being the issue, rather than your brothers?

I'll bet he did, if only to line up future care needed

You've already had a taste of what this will involve if he doesn't get exactly the care he wants, so I'd tell him quite frankly that "not being family any more" means exactly what it says and that you won't be doing any more

And then move

Re your dad, why isn’t his partner caring for him?

It seems to me that in your dad and brothers eyes, wonen are there to merely fulfill the role of looking after men, and beyond that you are not a person, but staff. Honestly, for now, do as he asks, and go low contact with your brothers too. He might change his tune in the future, but don't take up the carer role again, because you will be exploited and the old habits return. If he changes his tune, insist on resetting your boundaries on your terms. If he can't accept them, then its his loss.

Your brothers seem to also assume your job is as a carer, not a sister and friend. You have honestly tried your best trying to maintain some dort of relationship but they don't seem to want the same kind of relationship you desire. Again, do as they wish. If they come crawling saying "Dad needs you to do ABC for him", say, Why can't YOU do it? and exit the conversation. Your boundary is that you aren't their unpaid skivvy. And don't put up with any guilt tripping either.

Move away and build a better life with people who support and uplift you.

Of course your misogynist DF expected you to care for him when he was unwell. Well he's burnt that bridge now! Let your Bs (or more probably their DPs!) do it.

Because they were the ones who inflamed the situation by blocking me on social media etc. My brothers partner is the one who won’t let me see my nephew. To be fair, my brother is going along with it and should hang his head in shame. The other partner is known for her lies. I’ve always limited any contact with her as she has always embellished the truth.

She does. She’s far too good for him. But they don’t live together

I see. Well I still don’t think in all the circumstances you need to feel any guilt if you move away.

He might never have had a daughter. His sons can step up.

Definitely move away from your horrible dad. Don't feel any guilt or obligation to have some sort of relationship with him and certainly don't provide any care or support as he ages and requires help. Leave everything up to your brothers.

Just concentrate on your own family and do what's best for you and them. I'm so sorry that you have such a cruel birth family but you will definitely be better off without any of them in your life.

OMG OP, why are you letting your dad treat you so badly while being at beck and call to provide the care that your brothers won't?

Stop doing anything for him at all. Don't be guilt tripped. Cut them all off completely. You say that your dad has a partner. Why isn't she giving him his injections. You are the family skivvy that is expected to do all the work while receiving no love or care from any of them. They are utterly horrible people and you don't need them in your life.

To do list:

Get therapy, these people have been hurting you for years.
Block them - on your phone, on every social media, everywhere.
Keep busy, focusing on yourself and your children.
Move if you can, but otherwise keep your mind closed to your dad and co.

eta
you might want to write to inform his GP, practice nurse, and social services that you won't be carrying out any further care duties for your father, as your relationship has broken down.

He will absolutely be backing touch when he needs help again. You need to move and don’t say where you’ve gone.

I’d agree with following the “let them” approach. You can’t make people like you and you don’t owe these people anything. It’s sad you won’t see nieces and nephews but not the end of the world.
Forget them all, move on, move away and live life happily in your family unit.