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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dad has disowned me

180 replies

daddysgirlnot · 18/05/2025 20:14

Long post, thank you for reading.
The background:
I am the eldest of 3, the only girl. Also an army brat, childhood was characterised by toxic masculinity, in that my Dad took the boys fishing/football clubs etc. Spent no time with me. I guess he thought my place was with mum. However, I never felt loved by her. I’d go as far as to say she was emotionally abusive. Very lonely childhood.
Significant incident:
My brother & his partner had a child. They texted Dad the details of the christening. He forwarded this on to my other brother but not to me. Lots of conversations etc occurred about it, none included me. Long story short, they forgot to invite me. I reacted with upset, and rather than apologise, I was made out to be the villain, they removed me from their social media, and I’ve seen this child less than 10 times (he’s now 8yrs). Dad never intervened or stood up for me.
Decision made by me:
I was very ill this year and was in hospital and reflected. Came to the conclusion that 8 yrs was a long time to treat someone badly. Told Dad I was having nothing more to do with my brothers. (Not on a heated argument, was done in a gentle way when I got home from hospital). You should also know Dad lives two doors down from me. They drive past my house every week, never let me know they’re at Dads, call into mine, or enquire about my children. I buy the child birthday & Christmas presents anyway.
Today:
Nephews Holy Communion. Dad sent me a pic, and it triggered something. Told him to stop sending pictures of the child coz it hurts. Also hurts that he never misses this child’s school events, but never once attended any of my children’s things. Reminded him he forgot my child’s birthday; also that when my son passed his driving test he bought him a card, whereas he bought my niece a car.
Dads response:
you are no longer part of this family. I hope you are happy. Do not contact me again.

What do I do now?

OP posts:
Daffodilsarefading · 28/05/2025 09:11

I agree with moving far away.
Your father and brothers have treated you terribly.
It appears they are very sexist to the point where you don’t matter.
Move and block them all.
Let your father find someone else to look after him in old age. He doesn’t serve you.
I can see him expecting you to he at his beck and call whilst cutting you from any inheritance.
A move would signal a fresh start for you.

user7843209785 · 28/05/2025 09:19

I would be looking to move away from the lot of them too!
As you are next door, bad relationship or not, they will expecting you to do the heavy lifting in terms of elder care when he becomes infirm.

Twobigbabies · 28/05/2025 09:27

Well done OP you sound like you've made some incredibly brave steps. I understand how hard it is to break free from your family. You and your children will be much better off without them. Your kids don't need family who abuse their mum. These individuals have zero respect for you and add nothing to your life but pain. Definitely start seeing a therapist regularly to support you through this as it's a grieving process which takes time to heal from but you'll come out the other side much stronger. Sadly the relationship with your brothers is damaged beyond repair- that's on your parents.
I suspect your Dad might try to get back in your life at some point through letters/other family members/guilt tripping. I would talk this possibility through with your therapist. You owe him absolutely nothing and have every right to block him for good but if you do allow some communication to return you need to make sure it is 100% on your terms and your boundaries are firm. You are not his carer or even his daughter as he's never really treated you like one.

Original poster
daddysgirlnot · 31/05/2025 17:59

Update: So, I wrote the letter, emailed to my husband and he read it out to Dad. He responded with the words ‘she’s delusional’. I’m almost glad that’s his response because it makes walking away so much easier. Thank you all very much for your advice & support. It means the world. Next steps… Currently painting the entire house with Egyptian Cotton lol. Once it’s freshened up it’ll be put on the market and I will never look back xx

OP posts:
doodleZ1 · 31/05/2025 18:12

OP so he accepted no blame whatsoever? Let him stew.

Original poster
daddysgirlnot · 31/05/2025 18:19

doodleZ1 · 31/05/2025 18:12

OP so he accepted no blame whatsoever? Let him stew.

Took no responsibility wotsoever. Just kept dismissing my husband and repeating that he thinks I’m delusional. I will never go back. It’ll come to haunt him I’m sure, but he’s lost me forever. I’m okay with it. Had first counselling session on Friday, and it went really well 😊

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 31/05/2025 18:26

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Do not be sucked back in.

amooseymoomum · 31/05/2025 18:30

do what he said do not bother with him or them. They have treated you disgustingly for years you have your own family now enjoy them and invest your time and energy in them.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/05/2025 18:36

💐

doodleZ1 · 31/05/2025 18:41

That’s exactly the response my dad would have given with a touch of attack attack. Nothing was his fault. Same type of man. It will haunt him eventually, but more probably the “health issue” will come and you will be contacted and he will expect you to forget all about the current issue and be there for him, when he needs you.

With 3 children and only one daughter there is absolutely no reason to treat you like this. Most men would cherish you and hate to fight with their daughter of all people. They certainly wouldnt tell you it was all your fault. It is him and he won’t get any better. It’s part of who he is. Some distance will give you time to heal and see it all for what it is, an unhealthy relationship for you.

Will you put a for sale sign up or try and avoid that?

DonutsWin · 31/05/2025 18:52

You are entitled to be ANGRY.
You are entitled to feel RAGE.

But you are entitled to be treated with dignity and respect, being at peace with yourself.

Move house, they don’t deserve you as a daughter, sister or aunt.

I had the same with my lot. Took me many years being treated as their doormat. Excluded from my Dad’s will, and not being my mother’s jewelry, which was promised to me by her.

MOVE.

Original poster
daddysgirlnot · 31/05/2025 19:00

doodleZ1 · 31/05/2025 18:41

That’s exactly the response my dad would have given with a touch of attack attack. Nothing was his fault. Same type of man. It will haunt him eventually, but more probably the “health issue” will come and you will be contacted and he will expect you to forget all about the current issue and be there for him, when he needs you.

With 3 children and only one daughter there is absolutely no reason to treat you like this. Most men would cherish you and hate to fight with their daughter of all people. They certainly wouldnt tell you it was all your fault. It is him and he won’t get any better. It’s part of who he is. Some distance will give you time to heal and see it all for what it is, an unhealthy relationship for you.

Will you put a for sale sign up or try and avoid that?

I’ll avoid putting up a For Sale sign. Most sales around here are done via a certain property website. I’m trying to walk the moral high ground and not inflame things further. Will go quietly.

OP posts:
Original poster
daddysgirlnot · 31/05/2025 19:02

DonutsWin · 31/05/2025 18:52

You are entitled to be ANGRY.
You are entitled to feel RAGE.

But you are entitled to be treated with dignity and respect, being at peace with yourself.

Move house, they don’t deserve you as a daughter, sister or aunt.

I had the same with my lot. Took me many years being treated as their doormat. Excluded from my Dad’s will, and not being my mother’s jewelry, which was promised to me by her.

MOVE.

I’m so sorry about your mother’s jewellery. Yes, I expect I’ll be cut out of his will and I am reconciled to that. No amount of money is worth having them in my life. I’m at peace with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
daddysgirlnot · 31/05/2025 19:02

S0j0urn4r · 31/05/2025 18:26

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Do not be sucked back in.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
daddysgirlnot · 31/05/2025 19:02

amooseymoomum · 31/05/2025 18:30

do what he said do not bother with him or them. They have treated you disgustingly for years you have your own family now enjoy them and invest your time and energy in them.

Thank you.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/05/2025 19:33

urbanbuddha · 19/05/2025 23:39

If you want to be a pain in the bum and I would in your place, the best thing to do is silence, he will be waiting on a response and he won’t get one. That will surprise him big time. That will work with his mind far more than a letter that he can and will dispute. Silence is a consequence of bad behaviour and it will worry him.

I agree. Write you letter to him and get it all out but then burn it. Silence will be much more effective.

This.

You also mentioned your birthday comming up and how you would wait to see what their response was.

PLEASE PLEASE do not do that.

Plan yourself a lovely birthday with your own little family unit. They are the most important people in your life and your focus should be on them. Do something special.. a nice day out together or even go away for the weekend. Ask them to send you nice cards, order some flowers for yourself if that's what you like. And pick out some nice presents.
Do not waste a single moment worrying about that lot of losers and how they won't respond. You already know you'll be disappointed.
You have to create your own moments in your situation. Your lovely family unit should be getting the time, presents and attention you have been wasting on the unyielding rocks your birth family is. Don't waste your love and attention and worry on them anymore. You already know how little it matters to them. Feel sorry for them that they cannot understand that, that they are lacking in empathy or compassion and that they have to live their lives that way.

Save your love and kindness for your own family unit who deserve it.

You are currently a plant trying to survive in stoney ground... move to pastures new where you can flourish. Think about what you want from life and the steps that you can make to take you towards that.

AlertEagle · 31/05/2025 19:49

daddysgirlnot · 31/05/2025 18:19

Took no responsibility wotsoever. Just kept dismissing my husband and repeating that he thinks I’m delusional. I will never go back. It’ll come to haunt him I’m sure, but he’s lost me forever. I’m okay with it. Had first counselling session on Friday, and it went really well 😊

Show quote history

Sorry to hear this op, but one thing I learned is narcissistic parents never see any fault in them, they never think they’ve done wrong and never apologise. I would cut contact with all of them.

Offeritup · 31/05/2025 20:13

I'm sorry OP - what a silly man. I've the same type of father. It's been nine years since his poor behaviour for which he won't apologise so I stayed away. He's made no effort with me since.

💐 All the best for your house sale and for peace in the future

Original poster
daddysgirlnot · 31/05/2025 21:13

Offeritup · 31/05/2025 20:13

I'm sorry OP - what a silly man. I've the same type of father. It's been nine years since his poor behaviour for which he won't apologise so I stayed away. He's made no effort with me since.

💐 All the best for your house sale and for peace in the future

Thank you

OP posts:
VexedofVirginiaWater · 01/06/2025 10:10

I keep imagining how you suddenly aren't there - no for sale sign is a wise move. He might see you moving out - or he might be away visiting his sons, but I think all of them think privately 'Oh it's OK, Daddysgirlnot is just nearby, doesn't matter how she's treated, she'll do the grunt work in an emergency' - and then suddenly you're not on hand, and possibly he doesn't know where you are. Then you can say - well, I was told I wasn't part of this family, so there was no reason to stay.

I hope you can come and update us when you have moved, but maybe you'd rather not of course. Good luck to you and your own family.

Original poster
daddysgirlnot · 01/06/2025 15:33

VexedofVirginiaWater · 01/06/2025 10:10

I keep imagining how you suddenly aren't there - no for sale sign is a wise move. He might see you moving out - or he might be away visiting his sons, but I think all of them think privately 'Oh it's OK, Daddysgirlnot is just nearby, doesn't matter how she's treated, she'll do the grunt work in an emergency' - and then suddenly you're not on hand, and possibly he doesn't know where you are. Then you can say - well, I was told I wasn't part of this family, so there was no reason to stay.

I hope you can come and update us when you have moved, but maybe you'd rather not of course. Good luck to you and your own family.

Will definitely update you all. Thank you for your kindness.

OP posts:
Onlyharmony · 01/06/2025 16:46

Limehawkmoth · 18/05/2025 22:16

I could have written this Op.
I went 20 years with my dad cutting me off. I’d like to be like posters above and say I was better for breaking off communication. But I wasn’t. It devasted me. I couldn’t understand how he could do this and reject me so entirely .

Lost my mum 4 years prior to it happening and dad went into new relationship within 2 months of mums funeral. He believed I didn’t approve of them. I believed he had always never been an actively close parent, lacked empathy (I mean really lacked it like neurodivergence). My crime was apparently wanting to talk about my mum, or even mention her, And this was his reasoning that I dissaproved of his relationship. Stupid, as he’d been tlaking to me about wanting to divorce my mum for donkeys years prior to her illness and death.

my siblings and I did stay close, and still are, but it was so hard having them (including SIL) tell me what was happening in “dads” life and feeling othered and outside of the family . I’m guessing that what hurts as well …that you are the rejected child and the others stay in favour, even though you’re probably doing more to help him by the sound of it.

I tried to get me head around it for 18 years, but never succeeded in just moving on - it played into cPTSD I developed as result of abusive marriage.

then 3 years ago he decided enough, and asked to see me. We reconciled to a degree whilst never speaking about what happened. Only for him to develop dementia and he died late last year. I’m glad we did reconcile, I’m glad I was able to support him with his awful mental decline (Lewy body dementia which is grotesque)..

its only with his physical death I’ve moved on. It’s now in past. But I suspect that it also has to do with siblings now being in same position as me with loosing a parent. We’re all now in same boat.

my sibling (both male) said years ago, it’s Becuase I reminded him too much of my mum (we looked similar and had very similar personalities). He never really fully grieved for mum, just bounced straight into next realtionship. I think he was just stuck in “anger” and resentment phase and took that out on me.

but all the theories on world don’t mean anything. I won’t ever know. I could never understand. Only in his death has the weight of it been lifted.

I hate the idea of going non contact. It is a failure of communication. Often form simple misunderstandings, mis communcation or, most likely, miss expectations. Absolute rejection causes massive psychological damage whether your 3, 13, or 33 or even 63. You only have to see the. Pain on 70,80 or 80 year people who’ve experienced parental rejection or abandonment…they still cry. Time isn’t always a healer. I’d say my emotional resilience and self esteem has actually worsened with age…and that was form rejection of my love from my mum (who died so not her fault), my exh and dad all within a three year period.

I know NC IS necessary for where there is abuse. But some MNetters seem to advocate it as a tool all too readily. And that makes people like you and me feel that we shouldn’t grieve for our loss on relationship with that parent.

this is such a complex area wrt your emotions. My adivce is to go back to counselling around this. Very good counselling looking at psycho therepy. A bit of CBT isn’t going to wash it. You need a big amount of mental resilience to deal with this. Get professional help now, dpnt wait for it to build up. I simply don’t believe that parenteral rejection can just shrugged off with a “you’re better without him”. It may be the case, but the inner child still wants to be accepted and loved.

I'm very sorry for your experience and it sounds awful.

However, I have to pull you up on your use of lacking empathy being synonymous with neurodivergence. This just isn't true.

Many of us are highly empathic. It's a personality trait to be empathic and that's your father's personality. I am sorry you experienced it however, truly. No one should grow up feeling that way.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 01/06/2025 22:33

OP, I read your thread and felt so bad for you. Many people who go NC have regrets down the line. But that does not mean it is not a valid choice or the best one for you. I think if you think of it as a process, not a one time deal it makes it easier - expect that it will feel hard at times down the line and you will be better placed to deal with it if regrets come up for you.

Original poster
daddysgirlnot · 02/06/2025 09:04

Hotflushesandchilblains · 01/06/2025 22:33

OP, I read your thread and felt so bad for you. Many people who go NC have regrets down the line. But that does not mean it is not a valid choice or the best one for you. I think if you think of it as a process, not a one time deal it makes it easier - expect that it will feel hard at times down the line and you will be better placed to deal with it if regrets come up for you.

Hi, thank you for reply. Thing is, Dad made this choice. And not for the first time. I’m so tired of being ostracised & excluded at his behest. Maybe you’re right, and contact will happen again in the fullness of time, but I hope not. His behaviour over my entire life has been extremely emotionally harmful.

OP posts:
doodleZ1 · 05/07/2025 15:45

OP how are things now? Has your dad or brothers contacted you? Is your house up for sale?