Dad has disowned me

[daddysgirlnot]

Long post, thank you for reading.
The background:
I am the eldest of 3, the only girl. Also an army brat, childhood was characterised by toxic masculinity, in that my Dad took the boys fishing/football clubs etc. Spent no time with me. I guess he thought my place was with mum. However, I never felt loved by her. I’d go as far as to say she was emotionally abusive. Very lonely childhood.
Significant incident:
My brother & his partner had a child. They texted Dad the details of the christening. He forwarded this on to my other brother but not to me. Lots of conversations etc occurred about it, none included me. Long story short, they forgot to invite me. I reacted with upset, and rather than apologise, I was made out to be the villain, they removed me from their social media, and I’ve seen this child less than 10 times (he’s now 8yrs). Dad never intervened or stood up for me.
Decision made by me:
I was very ill this year and was in hospital and reflected. Came to the conclusion that 8 yrs was a long time to treat someone badly. Told Dad I was having nothing more to do with my brothers. (Not on a heated argument, was done in a gentle way when I got home from hospital). You should also know Dad lives two doors down from me. They drive past my house every week, never let me know they’re at Dads, call into mine, or enquire about my children. I buy the child birthday & Christmas presents anyway.
Today:
Nephews Holy Communion. Dad sent me a pic, and it triggered something. Told him to stop sending pictures of the child coz it hurts. Also hurts that he never misses this child’s school events, but never once attended any of my children’s things. Reminded him he forgot my child’s birthday; also that when my son passed his driving test he bought him a card, whereas he bought my niece a car.
Dads response:
you are no longer part of this family. I hope you are happy. Do not contact me again.

What do I do now?

Agree with all of this, especially

"There's little chance you'll get closure and you need to be prepared for the emotional impact on you."

In fact, you won't get closure because you can be sure there will be one of two outcomes.

(1) Your letter will be shared around and eviscerated by your father and his flying monkeys, your pain will be the subject of savage gleeful mockery, your dignified words will be sneered at, and everyone will become eager to share with you exactly how much they utterly despise you.
(2) More likely, everyone will completely ignore your letter to show you yet again how little they care about you.

Both outcomes will be really crushing to you.

You come from a toxic family system. You can't fix that. No one can. You can't change other people. All you can do is get out and stop that toxic system from continuing to poison your life and that of your DC and H. Think about it: how much time have you spent in your life thinking about how you have been/are treated by your familiy? How much time have you spent talking about it with your H and your friends? If you send your father a letter, you're going to keep pointlessly expending your emotional energy on their reactions/non-reactions.

Stop centralizing them. Move, get therapy to work through the pain of your decision to cut them off, and then, when the pain subsides - and it WILL subside, I promise you - go and lead your best life. In 2-3 years time, you will look back, remember how broken you were from them, and you'll mentally give the poor hurt you that you were back then a big hug for making the incredibly difficult and brave decision to cut them off.

I fear this will be the case.

Im sorry for the awful treatment you received.

You're right - best possible thing to do now is move well away.

And no, please don't send that letter. It's well worth writing, but really don't send it. It's pouring oil on a fire. He's not reasonable, he's not interested in being fair, you will never get through to him - he's a stone wall where you are concerned, and -you- as a person don't matter to him. You're just a servant.

Move and have a lovely new fresh start.

Please don’t send the letter, as it will be pulled to bits and used against you.

You can’t change people 💐

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you’re ok now & that life brings you nothing but joy & happiness

So, while there are plenty of deeply sexist men in the UK, as the proud possessor of an elderly Irish step father I can tell you that the his sexism is on another level (thanks fucking catholic church)! Sounds like your dad and brothers have a bad case of being male fuckwits. And under any kind of pressure or stress, they feel entitled to expect ridiculous things from you. My step dad recently tried to tell me that a problem on my car was just me not knowing how to drive it. I pointed out that I had owned and operated my car for the last 8 years and had a spotless driving record, unlike him, and very low maintenance bills because I drive it well. He did shut up. But the attitude that drove that comment wont change.

Your Dad is a selfish, entitled prick who has set himself up nicely for you to be his unpaid (and I acknowledged) carer as he becomes more and more infirm. His refusal to get his own meds was utterly manipulative. Stop chasing the acceptance and equality you want from these men. It won’t ever come. Just move on with your life. Definitely look at moving if you can. (Far away). Your Dad said that you are no longer part of his family - like HE gets to decide this now…: He is dangling this like the proverbial carrot - “behave the way I want and I will finally approve of you and accept you” because he knows that’s what you have needed all your life. You need to change your inner narrative and accept that you never were part of his wunderboys club, just a default wife/mother/caregiver and the fact that he doesn’t know you as a person is HIS choice and HIS loss.

I think there’s a lot you’re not sharing OP. There must be a very real reason why your SIL/brother’s DP won’t allow you to see your nephew. Why they all ignore you etc. Yes I agree there’s definitely misogyny at play, I can’t deny that but I think you’re potentially omitting some of your own actions, perhaps? You’ve painted yourself as totally innocent here…

You obviously have no clue about toxic family systems and how they work. Look up golden child, scapegoat, and sick family system to inform yourself. That way you're not laying the boot into someone who is already on her knees.

No, left nothing out. Your comment is callous

Thank you.

OP has your dad been in touch since? I’m sure the flying monkeys will be along soon if he hasn’t, probably talking about your dads health. That was always my experience as a “way in” for them.

I would have a few stock phrases ready for them if you haven’t blocked them already. Don’t argue, just say that dad told you in writing that you were no longer part of the family and you are respecting his wishes and put the phone down. It’s up to your dad now.

I have never spoken to my grownup sons like that and never would, but my dad did to me, numerous times. Mum was his enabler. My biggest regret is taking it time after time and I suppose reverting to child mode as if my safety depended on him agreeing with my version of events, it didn’t. I wish I had fully realised that. Very obvious really.

I went NC with my dad for 2 years at a time, but he always reverted to his old obnoxious ways. My brother is exactly the same though he hid it well for years. They are right, everyone else is wrong and “needs to be told” their character and what the rules are.

Pathetic really, but very damaging to close family on the receiving end of it.

Also looking back it was misogyny, as there’s no way either my dad or brother would have spoken to a man the way they spoke to me.

Please don’t end up being his caregiver as you know that’s what they think is your role, evidenced by your dads behaviour, when he took real umbrage at you getting a day off from giving him his injections, on YOUR BIRTHDAY! What a man, that he would rather damage his own health than let your brothers look after him for a day.

It’s up to your dad to fight for this relationship and if he won’t, it’s not worth either your tears or the affect he is having on your own family or health. It has to be a 2-way relationship with them or there is really no point to it.

Keep strong, you wouldn’t let anyone else treat you like this so don’t let them either.

Thank you so much for this. You’re so kind. No, I haven’t heard from anyone. I blocked Dad & my brothers after I received his text. I’m feeling very sad and very unloved, but I’m still resolute. First counselling session is next Friday. Have viewed some houses today, still thinking of moving, although I’m sad about that, because we had decided to improve our home. I’m shocked beyond belief that someone could discard their child so readily.

Do not make any rash decisions about moving. It is a big decision.

be kind to yourself and ignore them

I'm sorry :(

Therapy will likely help. Something that resonated for me in the past was when someone said about her terrible parents, "I had to grieve the parents I deserved but didn't have."

Grief is exactly what I felt. Grief for the father I wanted and didn't get. Sorrow for the kid I was, who watched silently as my father abused my mother, my sister, everyone. Sorrow for the people I loved, who he hurt so much. Also grief for him, because he was my father. I mourned him for a year.

But throughout it all, I stayed resolute. It probably helped that he wasn't in the same city and he didn't care too much.

A couple of years after I cut him off, he sent me a thick letter. I knew from my sister - who was forbidden to talk about him but nonetheless quickly squeezed in an appeal on his behalf (she was ever his emotional laborer) - he wanted rapprochement.

I thought about reading the letter, opening the door again, for several weeks. I was 40, not a confused kid or hopeful 20 year old anymore. I knew what he was like, I knew he was not capable of change. And how he had treated people had been heinous. Truly unforgiveable. On reviewing everything, I knew that I could not have someone like that in my life or my family's life.

One night, I walked the whole night through my sleeping city with the dog. At dawn, when the sun was rising and the magpies began to warble, I returned home, retrieved the unread letter, burned it, and spread the ashes in the river nearby.

I had already stopped grieving a while earlier, but that little ceremony allowed me to let go of all the residual anger. I felt at peace.

I have never regretted any of this. I look back over my life and see so clearly how that incredibly difficult and painful decision I took 20 years ago spared not just myself but also my innocent children from the knife-laden thresher machine that was my father.

OP, I hope one day you will find peace too.

Thank you for your kindness. Have now been blocked from all their social media accounts. So, that’s me firm in my mind that I’m having nothing more to do with them.

❤️

People don’t realise how bad these type of families can be unless they have experienced it themselves. When I think back to some of the extremely offensive things both my brother and dad said to me, I still find it hard to believe that any human, especially a parent could be so callous and cruel.

My dad told my aunt that he would dance on her grave, so it wasnt just me that got it, though most of it was hidden in the family. He wasnt a drinker, this was a response from a sober man. Again, notice it was a woman that was being intimidated.

There are some seriously warped people out there and someone has to be related to them. We are unfortunate that it was us.

OP they think you will go crawling back, given time, that’s if they think at all. Have a look at the forum on the “fear,obligation and guilt” website. The problem is remarkably common.

What I found at the start was, if I thought of them, I made myself immediately think of nice things, to distract me and the moment passed. Maybe worth a try?

OP the website is actually called “out of the fog”.

Thank you for your advice. I’ll look at that site & try your suggestions on thoughts. Had a tough day, have cried a lot.

I think you can anticipate your dad coming down with a “serious medical problem” (usual things are “suspected cardiac event” or “cancer scare”) when he gets wind of you selling your home.

Thank you. What hurts the most is that Dad actually has cancer at the minute. I don’t understand how he could do this. If I had cancer I’d be doing my best to ensure my children feel loved, and are second to nothing.

I would say that he cannot love women, even when it comes to his own child. He might like what women can do for him and what he can get from them, but at the heart of it, he is a misogynist.

The term "misogyny" is often used for men who discriminate against women because the men think they are better and more important than women, but this isn't actually reflecting the etymology of the term, which is "misos", meaning hatred, and "gyne", meaning woman. Some men - quite a substantial minority of men, I would say - HATE women. They truly viscerally HATE women. They see them as opponents and threats to them, they want to control them to the point of terrorised slavery, and if they can't, they want to crush and destroy them.

This has nothing to do with any woman who unfortunately has to deal with such men. It is in these men, and they are bolstered by the other men who share the same feelings, and by the casual misogynistic attitudes and behaviours that many of the non-woman-hating men also engage in.

Maybe it's because men like this know deep down that they are expendable, meaningless, that the true power in our species - to bring forth life - lies in women. I don't know, but I have encountered sadistic men like your father, who seethe with barely suppressed loathing and contempt for women, and who make life hell for any woman who comes under their control.

I know your father's abandonment and rejection of you is difficult to swallow because it feels personal, that it's because you're unlovable. Maybe it will help you to see that it isn't at all personal. Your father can't see you, the human you. You're not human to him, because all he sees is your womanhood, and he hates and feels threatened by women. The problem lies in him, not you.

My theory is that men like your dad & brothers don’t see women as people. Women are just functions and services provided to those entitled by virtue of that special little Y Chromosome.
Your dad undoubtedly expects you to take over his cares and do your duty as a woman, (cooking, cleaning, making appointments, driving to said appointments etc). Would never occur to him to ask his special sons.
Fuck that! You’re a person, not a robot.

You take him at his word and you cut that toxicity out of your life