I could have written this Op.
I went 20 years with my dad cutting me off. I’d like to be like posters above and say I was better for breaking off communication. But I wasn’t. It devasted me. I couldn’t understand how he could do this and reject me so entirely .
Lost my mum 4 years prior to it happening and dad went into new relationship within 2 months of mums funeral. He believed I didn’t approve of them. I believed he had always never been an actively close parent, lacked empathy (I mean really lacked it like neurodivergence). My crime was apparently wanting to talk about my mum, or even mention her, And this was his reasoning that I dissaproved of his relationship. Stupid, as he’d been tlaking to me about wanting to divorce my mum for donkeys years prior to her illness and death.
my siblings and I did stay close, and still are, but it was so hard having them (including SIL) tell me what was happening in “dads” life and feeling othered and outside of the family . I’m guessing that what hurts as well …that you are the rejected child and the others stay in favour, even though you’re probably doing more to help him by the sound of it.
I tried to get me head around it for 18 years, but never succeeded in just moving on - it played into cPTSD I developed as result of abusive marriage.
then 3 years ago he decided enough, and asked to see me. We reconciled to a degree whilst never speaking about what happened. Only for him to develop dementia and he died late last year. I’m glad we did reconcile, I’m glad I was able to support him with his awful mental decline (Lewy body dementia which is grotesque)..
its only with his physical death I’ve moved on. It’s now in past. But I suspect that it also has to do with siblings now being in same position as me with loosing a parent. We’re all now in same boat.
my sibling (both male) said years ago, it’s Becuase I reminded him too much of my mum (we looked similar and had very similar personalities). He never really fully grieved for mum, just bounced straight into next realtionship. I think he was just stuck in “anger” and resentment phase and took that out on me.
but all the theories on world don’t mean anything. I won’t ever know. I could never understand. Only in his death has the weight of it been lifted.
I hate the idea of going non contact. It is a failure of communication. Often form simple misunderstandings, mis communcation or, most likely, miss expectations. Absolute rejection causes massive psychological damage whether your 3, 13, or 33 or even 63. You only have to see the. Pain on 70,80 or 80 year people who’ve experienced parental rejection or abandonment…they still cry. Time isn’t always a healer. I’d say my emotional resilience and self esteem has actually worsened with age…and that was form rejection of my love from my mum (who died so not her fault), my exh and dad all within a three year period.
I know NC IS necessary for where there is abuse. But some MNetters seem to advocate it as a tool all too readily. And that makes people like you and me feel that we shouldn’t grieve for our loss on relationship with that parent.
this is such a complex area wrt your emotions. My adivce is to go back to counselling around this. Very good counselling looking at psycho therepy. A bit of CBT isn’t going to wash it. You need a big amount of mental resilience to deal with this. Get professional help now, dpnt wait for it to build up. I simply don’t believe that parenteral rejection can just shrugged off with a “you’re better without him”. It may be the case, but the inner child still wants to be accepted and loved.