Partner expecting things in return for doing housework

[Motherofone25]

My partner and I have been on rocks recently and the main topic is due to him not helping around the house and with our 4 month old.
we works full time and I’m at home on maternity. I clean and tidy the house daily but leave the heavy lifting tasks to do when my partner is at home to do together.
He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things. He goes to the gym 4 times a week for 1.5hrs a time so he’s only home for 2-3hrs those days before going to bed.
I ask if he can do the last feed and nappy change before bed so he is still spending time with our child but he moans and complains about it.
he asks me what will he get in return? He is always seeking out sexual favours from me, since having our baby my sex drive has plummeted and we have spoke about this and I thought we were of an understanding that it’ll take time for me to get back to pre pregnancy body and mind. However, he believes he shouldn’t be doing any favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.
not sure how to go about this situation as I respect he’s working full time and doesn’t get all of the down time he wants but his expectations are of someone that has no responsibilities of being a partner or dad.

Bit late now why did you have a baby with him? It’s done now and you need to think about what you want your future to look like. Is having a disgusting man who blackmails with sex really someone you want in your and your child’s life.

Take control of the narrative, he doesn't get rewards for doing things i.e pulling his weight in the relationship what he gets is punishments for not doing them.
When I say punishments I mean consequences that have a negative effect on his life, just stop doing anything that benefits him and focus on yourself and your baby.

So basically he’s saying

“I will change our baby’s nappy if you suck my cock”

Fucking gross.

I'd say obviously you can't stay with a man like this. So either he changes or you kick him out

Just stop it, stop berating the op. We all know that men pretend to be nice until the woman is trapped and then they start being selfish bastards.

Ugh he needs to grow up! Did he want to be a father? Does he listen to you at all? How does he react when you tell him your point of view? What are your options?

What was he like before the baby? Did he do his fair share?

You shouldn't even have to ask him, he should want to be spending time with his baby and doing his share around the home. The pestering for sex in exchange for doing his fair share is grim.

I think it's reasonable to explain to him all the things you've explained here, and that the relationship is in danger of being over if he doesn't recognise the issues and change his ways. I'm not sure I could get past the petulance and demanding behaviour though, even if he improves. He'd need to be properly sorry and make a really decent improvement quickly.

When do you go back to work?

Honestly I’d start by asking what 4 days of the week he intends to go to the gym and then I’d say ‘great, I’ll be out for 2 hours the other 3 nights so that I also get 6 hours to myself doing something I choose’.

I’d also say that your sex drive is very low because you have just had a baby and feel very under appreciated. In time he can try to arrange date nights etc and maybe that will get your sex drive up again but it’s going to take some effort on his part.

We’ve been together 6 years and he has cycling of being better and then goes back to normal. He says ‘he doesn’t expect sex from me anymore’ ‘That's your issue your seeing being intimate with your partner as a chore.
Not a want.
I've stopped thinking of sex with you a long time because we're just roommates rn’

all because I’m not happily wanting to have sex with him when he feels he should be ‘rewarded’ it’s stopped feeling intimate and the way it should in a relationship when he started bringing it up in favours for asking him for help around the house and baby.

With men like him a big part of the reason they want their partner to have a child is they know it makes her easier to control and dominate.
Men like him will tend to go for sweet natured women who always see the good in people because they know* that she will give him the benefit of the doubt and not realize that he's really a complete bastard wearing a nice mask.

*When I say they know it I mean they know it in an instinctive sense; they can 'smell' it. It's rarely an intellectually thought out strategy because he's stupid, but he is stupid like a fox.

He gets 1.5h ar the gym. What further chill time does he need? I’m guessing that you don’t get chill time?

Has he always been like this before baby? Or does he somehow think that as you’re at home you are doing nothing? Has he spent a significant time alone with the baby to see just how hard it is?

I hate the doing it for you narrative. It’s his child too and it’s not doing you a favour to parent his own child.

If he won’t change then you need to make the decision whether you want to continue living like this.

He’s a piece of shit

I’m so sorry Op. you’re not alone. So many find out who they really married when they have a baby. It’s disappointing.
He’s not going to change.

Honestly I’d start by asking what 4 days of the week he intends to go to the gym and then I’d say ‘great, I’ll be out for 2 hours the other 3 nights so that I also get 6 hours to myself doing something I choose’
If you leave him with the baby when he believes that he has a right to be in the gym (or doing whatever else he does to indulge himself) that will make him angry and he will make sure the baby suffers and then he will twist everything to make you feel guilty about it.
Once you have a child with a man he's got you over a barrel.

Oh wow. He's made intimacy into a chore by demanding it in return for doing things he should be doing anyway. He's responsible for that, not you! Honestly, you are worth ever so much more than this from a partner.

This is utterly grim and not normal behaviour. I’d go as far as to say coercive.

You are vulnerable at the moment but I would quietly see about getting your ducks in a row whilst on maternity. Don’t have another child with this man. Go back to work and make plans to raise your child as a single parent, and leave him when you can.

Stop doing all his washing and cooking and when he asks why it’s not done tell him you’re busy looking after a human and since he doesn’t want to help he can take care of himself.

I am so sorry that you’re being treated like this. It’s shit and his behaviour is completely unacceptable. You are supposed to be a partnership and he is as responsible as you are - he is not ‘doing you a favour’ by doing housework nor do you owe him anything for it.

It never fails to shock me how men who initially appear so normal and nice can change so insidiously and often it needs to reach a point like this before we realise what’s happened. OP I hope you have friends and family who are supporting you.

Get out. You say he has cycles of this, so it’s not new. This is who he is. You can’t undo the baby but you can have a better life. You don’t need to have this life with him. Pack up, go and stay somewhere else, start the process of properly moving out.

You don’t need to waste anymore time on him and baby will be better off if you split now than after 5 more years of misery.

This. Why on earth are you with this cretin?

Well, he's the one who's made sex a chore by making it transactional. No wonder you don't want to. I mean, what reward to you get for all the stuff you do, including cooking and cleaning for him? He needs to grow up, be a partner and father and realise that it's not all about his cock.

This x1000

Leave him, get yourself organised and leave him, the longer you stay the worse it will get for you and your son.

If you leave fingers crossed he will not bother with the baby or have minimal imput then you have a chance at raising a better man than this one.

Imagine raising a son who thinks it's OK to extort sexual favours for basic household tasks.

So he's basically treating you like a prostitute. He's willing to pay for sex by doing chores "for you".

I think if you decide to stay with him some serious counselling is required for you both. He needs to see his treatment of you is unacceptable, you need to recognise that you and your child deserve better and then couples counselling to see can you as a couple overcome this abusive behaviour.