Partner expecting things in return for doing housework

[Motherofone25]

My partner and I have been on rocks recently and the main topic is due to him not helping around the house and with our 4 month old.
we works full time and I’m at home on maternity. I clean and tidy the house daily but leave the heavy lifting tasks to do when my partner is at home to do together.
He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things. He goes to the gym 4 times a week for 1.5hrs a time so he’s only home for 2-3hrs those days before going to bed.
I ask if he can do the last feed and nappy change before bed so he is still spending time with our child but he moans and complains about it.
he asks me what will he get in return? He is always seeking out sexual favours from me, since having our baby my sex drive has plummeted and we have spoke about this and I thought we were of an understanding that it’ll take time for me to get back to pre pregnancy body and mind. However, he believes he shouldn’t be doing any favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.
not sure how to go about this situation as I respect he’s working full time and doesn’t get all of the down time he wants but his expectations are of someone that has no responsibilities of being a partner or dad.

No. You don’t have counselling with abusive men. A man trying to extort sex from you is abusive. You don’t have counselling with your abuser. You leave.

We’re in a rented property both on the agreement. I don’t have family to stay with but he does. He’s saying I won’t be able to afford to live here on my own (universal credit should provide me with extra income) he’s not leaving and making me feel small by making it very clear I’ll get kicked out and homeless if I stay here and he goes.

What a disgusting human. Next time he asks for sex reply
“Why on earth would I want to have sex with someone who literally thinks he should be paid in sex for caring for his own child, and why on Earth would I want to have sex with someone who thinks the person he claims to love isn’t deserving of support and rest and should work 24 hours a day 7 days a week because he works 40 hours a week”.

Gross but pretty accurate!

@Motherofone25 - I urge you to take appropriate steps to become self-sufficient.

Because he won’t change, and one day you will have had enough. it will be to your advantage if you have the means to be able to walk away.

Don't become one of the many women we see here daily who give up work, go part-time, decline promotions etc and end up chained to a useless man who doesn’t give a shit about his family.

He has no chill time when he gets home from work

Yes, this is life for the next 18 years so the big manchild needs to shape up or ship out IMO.

Ok. You don’t have to move out to start a UC credit. You just have to be split up, have separate finances and not do things as a couple (no cooking or cleaning for him).

So, you can get a UC top up before you move out. But you do have to fully end the relationship even though you live in the same house.

I would be liberating him from the relationship in return for his behaviour.

Honestly, OP, I know it's scary but you do not have to live like this. Cut your losses and ditch the fucker.

@Motherofone25 please don't believe his belittling comments. And, whether or not you get kicked out for not paying the rent is irrelevant and none of his business if you are no longer together. Those kinds of comments are meant to control you by making you feel like you can't cope on your own.

Ummm yeah no they don’t. My husband has certainly never acted like this not even a little bit. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say a lot of men are like my husband and don’t emotionally blackmail their wives into sex.

OP what the actual fuck.

Your husband is emotionally blackmailing you into sex. I do T say this lightly but this is coercive abusing behaviour.

I think it makes sense when you look at the dynamics of the situation. This is how I see it, generally people respond to incentives. This man meets an attractive and kind woman, they get on well he's aware that if he can win her over she will make his life better so he's on his best behavior in order to win her over.
Once she has invested in the relationships (ie she has relinquished any leverage she has and is dependent upon his good will) the incentive disappears, he doesn't need to win her over because she is trapped.

@isthesolution

"Honestly I’d start by asking what 4 days of the week he intends to go to the gym and then I’d say ‘great, I’ll be out for 2 hours the other 3 nights so that I also get 6 hours to myself doing something I choose’."

This is a common response on MN. In reality it doesn't work like that. Where is the OP supposed to go for 3 nights a week, every week? She's also got a 4 month old so she's undoubtedly knackered. To say nothing of leaving the baby with a scumbag who wants sex to look after it.

Jesus wept.

What does he get for doing the last fed and nappy change? His child is fed and clean. That's what he gets.

He is framing all of this as favours to you, rather than parenting his own child.

1.5 hours at the gym four times a week? That's an awful lot of chill time. How much discretionary time do you get?

The old rule of "everyone gets the same amount of free time" holds strong here. Gym
time is free time.

I would find someone who wants to be trained like a fucking puppy with treats for good behaviour so incredibly off putting. Tell him bestiality isn't your thing, when he's willing to act like an adult human rather than a badly trained, bad tempered puppy you might find him attractive or desirable again.

I do actually agree with you but not everyone is able out willing to leave. Counselling for herself would help the op to realise that.

You're probably right though that I should not have suggested counselling together.

Not all men - some of them show their colours way before babies.

Yes, its too late for OP not to have a child with him, so she needs to be thinking about a shape up or ship out plan.

@Motherofone25 I'm so sorry you are being treated like this.
Your "D"H is gaslighting you into believing you wont cope on your own and using coercive control in an attempt to get sex from you.

You have two choices:

1. Try to get him to grow up. Call him out on his shitty behaviour. Tell him having sex isn't a favour or reward of any kind and nothing makes your fanny clam shut tighter than an abusive husband. he needs to man up - start taking responsibility for the household and pull his weight. Yes he is in a full time job - but he still needs to help with all the things that need doing at home when he's not working. including spending quality time with his child. His behaviour needs to make a 180 degree turnaround before your maternity leave ends - because things are only going to get harder when you return to work.

2. Get him to leave and divorce. Believe me you WILL be able to manage on your own if you want to.

I think the problem is a lot of men think being in a relationship means sex every day and twice on Saturdays and when that doesn't happen, it damages their view of their place in the world.

Ask him what he thought fatherhood was going to be like. This is the reality. It's time he stepped up.

Actually I would say too many land themselves with a baby before fully seeing who their partner is and how he behaves in many different situations. Men can only fake it so long before the mask slips. How does he handle anger or frustration? What is his attitude toward housework? What are his views on women? How does he treat service workers? What are his long term views about family life? Etc.

These should’ve gave all been thrashed out long before the decision to marry or bring children into the world.

So here we have another poor kid being born into a shit show with an abusive lazy unengaged father who puts his dick and his gym habit before anyone else. And the mother is up shit creek with no lifeline. Why? Why do women do this to themselves?

Women need to stop being handed excuses for choosing shitty men as bio-fathers of their children. She says herself he’s exhibited abuse in cycles before the child was conceived.

Women need to stop being handed excuses for choosing shitty men as bio-fathers of their children. She says herself he’s exhibited abuse in cycles before the child was conceived.

Erm it's not a favour? Is it his house and child? Then they're his responsibilities.

Sorry if this comes accross as harsh but I'm guessing he wasn't much different before the baby? It's so important to sort out these boundaries before having a child with someone.

I came here to say this.

Yes, but at the time you misinterpret it because you're in love, it's only in hindsight that you see he showed you who he was well before you realized.

@Motherofone25 - he sounds horrible so I would suggest getting rid.

But please note your language here – you talk about him ‘helping” in the house and with your child and “doing favours”. That suggests it is only your job to do housework and parent your shared child. It’s not. During his working day, it is your job to parent your shared child (and some minimal housework to keep things from descending into complete chaos). When he’s home, it is as much his job as yours to do housework and parent your child. That’s what proper working parents do.

And yes - parents of very young children get very little free time. It comes with the territory.

So I do think you need to change your vocab. But more pressingly, I think you need to get rid of your horrible, selfish, manchild partner.

He's not 'helping' and not doing you 'favours'. It's called parenting your own child and sharing the domestic chores.

Do you get any chill time OP? I'm guessing not because young babies are hard work and you don't get to switch off and sit down at 6pm. Even when they're asleep you're "on call" 24/7 for when they wake.

If he's not prepared to be an adult then there's not much hope of this relationship surviving.

Predatory man will target women who are naive and/or already damaged. In other words they target women who are unable to see them for the predators that they are.
They are instinctively drawn to victims who have a blind spot that matches their particular style of predation.