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Original poster

Partner expecting things in return for doing housework

202 replies

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 12:47

My partner and I have been on rocks recently and the main topic is due to him not helping around the house and with our 4 month old.
we works full time and I’m at home on maternity. I clean and tidy the house daily but leave the heavy lifting tasks to do when my partner is at home to do together.
He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things. He goes to the gym 4 times a week for 1.5hrs a time so he’s only home for 2-3hrs those days before going to bed.
I ask if he can do the last feed and nappy change before bed so he is still spending time with our child but he moans and complains about it.
he asks me what will he get in return? He is always seeking out sexual favours from me, since having our baby my sex drive has plummeted and we have spoke about this and I thought we were of an understanding that it’ll take time for me to get back to pre pregnancy body and mind. However, he believes he shouldn’t be doing any favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.
not sure how to go about this situation as I respect he’s working full time and doesn’t get all of the down time he wants but his expectations are of someone that has no responsibilities of being a partner or dad.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 15/05/2025 14:57

Ask him what reward he’s giving you for every single nappy change and feed given. Disgusting human.

I would tell him to leave until he’s decided he is an adult who is responsible for a home and a child.

atata · 15/05/2025 14:58

What a thick motherfucker he sounds.

You are in this family stuff together. His role is not "helping for sexual favours", his role is fucking being a dad, partner and proper human - and that involves looking after the child/home etc. Treating himself to the gym 4 times a week as well. He has no idea.

MaidOfSteel · 15/05/2025 15:00

I just read your posts out to my husband, OP, and he was gobsmacked. Your partner is a domestic abuser. I’d like to tell him how revolting his behaviour is, but I’d rather hear that you are taking steps to get away from him. There are some links to organisations who can help you in an earlier post. Please get away from him. Don’t let him wreck your confidence and spoil this time with your baby.

Mom2K · 15/05/2025 15:01

I couldn't be with someone who didn't view childcare and household tasks as an equal responsibility.

If you were both working out of the house full time - you would both be paying someone else to care for your child. Solely caring for the child, not doing anything else like cleaning, laundry, groceries etc.

Just because you are now home with the baby instead of paying someone else to be - it does not get him off the hook to do his fair share when he gets home. Your day time job is the baby, and that's it. He should be doing half of everything that needs doing in the house including his half of child care in the evenings and weekends.

And his gym time is unacceptable unless you get the same amount of time off where he is home with the kid while you're out.

Unfortunately in my experience, you can't reason with someone so inherently selfish and entitled. You can try, but he'll crack on as he is and you might eventually realize it's better to go it alone since you are technically already doing that. He's not a real 'partner' in the sense that he is actually contributing anything to your family life, or even making you happy.

S0j0urn4r · 15/05/2025 15:03

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 13:09

We’re in a rented property both on the agreement. I don’t have family to stay with but he does. He’s saying I won’t be able to afford to live here on my own (universal credit should provide me with extra income) he’s not leaving and making me feel small by making it very clear I’ll get kicked out and homeless if I stay here and he goes.

Find out for yourself. Don't rely on him for information, he doesn't have your best interests at heart. Contact local domestic abuse info (coercion is abuse). Get legal advice or Citizen's advice.
This is not an atmosphere in which to raise a child. You'll get no help from him so what's to miss?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/05/2025 15:05

AnonWho23 · 15/05/2025 14:14

I read this and it made me feel sick. Your partner is repulsive. I. Not surprised that you don't want to have sex with him. Just reading this makes my vagina shrivel up. SEX IS NOT TRANSACTIONAL.

He lives in the home and he is responsible for contributing to cleaning that home. He has a child and he is responsible for providing care and meeting that child's basic need. He is not helping. This I'd his RESPONSIBILITY.

Have you checked your benefit entitlement? Do a benefits calculator and see what you could get with and without him.

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Check the cm calculator and how much he should give you in maintenance.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Generally, I think it's a bad idea to make big decisions in the first year after having a baby but in this case I'd absolutely LTB.

yes. Stop talking to him about this whilst you check some cold hard facts. He doesn't have all the knowledge and is quite capable of making assumptions that suit him.

"He’s saying I won’t be able to afford to live here on my own"

Do the sums. It's a rental so you don't have to worry about selling and splitting equity. .. is he able to live there on his own? and wants you to move out? Or it is just that he would find moving back to his parents humiliating.
So basically he is suggesting you and the baby leave if you have to, but he is staying. What a PRINCE.

In anycase.. Are your finances separate?.. get your maternity pay paid into your solo account. Because if he's controlling about one thing. He might start to be controlling about that next.

You are on maternity leave, so you still have a job. If you can get UC and benefits whilst you get back on your feet, you might find that you can afford it. You could even get a lodger.... Students are always looking for places. So he's wrong.

Bonbon249 · 15/05/2025 15:14

No, no, no - he's not doing you a favour doing housework and looking after the baby - it's called being a partner and a parent. He lives in the house and made a baby with you, he needs to do his part and maintain both. He needs to adjust his thinking dramatically unless he wants to end up single.

AmyOscar · 15/05/2025 15:16

I want to be constructive and suggest things to help your relationship, but your partner's attitude is so, so wrong - it is extreme. What I mean is, it's not just a little bit off - something that can be fixed via a few good conversations, it is horrendously misogynistic to expect sexual favours in return for helping with his own child/house/partner. My husband has NEVER behaved like this, and I don't know any men that do. Everyone has the capacity to be selfish at times, and we all have our ups and downs, but your partner's attitude is totally unacceptable. It demonstrates a total lack of understanding of what is needed to create a happy relationship and a happy family. On the basis of what you've shared on here, I would be making plans to separate. In an era where equality is discussed so much, I found your post really shocking. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Your partner's attitude and commentary is demeaning to you. Please don't stay with somebody who damages your self worth - because that is what he is doing right now. All the best x

LoudSnoringDog · 15/05/2025 15:17

What the actual FUCK am I reading ?

Vaxtable · 15/05/2025 15:20

Yuk. Tell him his down time is time spent at the gym. That he is responsible for the baby just as much as you

and that expecting sex as a fee for being a partner and father is grim

I know you say you have no family but really start looking at leaving

PinkyFlamingo · 15/05/2025 15:26

Mrsbloggz · 15/05/2025 12:51

Just stop it, stop berating the op. We all know that men pretend to be nice until the woman is trapped and then they start being selfish bastards.

Show quote history

Perfectly normal thing to think really.

Lennon80 · 15/05/2025 15:30

Please please whatever you do - do not have another child with him. I am not one to say LTB but this is one where you really do need to leave - he’ll always be a total prick and wanting sex for doing his share is vile.

notsobeachready · 15/05/2025 15:31

So, just to clarify, this is a grown man who needs "rewards" for basic tasks? Listen, if my 5 year old brushes his teeth twice a day, he gets a small treat at the end of the week. He is 5.

If he is expecting a "reward" for being a present and fair partner and parent, his backside would have been out of my home months ago.

You deserve more respect than this!

TheHerboriste · 15/05/2025 15:32

ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly · 15/05/2025 14:32

First post, classic Mumsnet: <why did you have a baby with him…?!>

BCOS SHE IS NOT A FUCKING CLAIRVOYANT

Show quote history

It does women NO service whatsoever to constantly bang on that one would need to be clairvoyant to spot a complete arsehole, that men are SO clever at hiding their true evil natures, that women can't help but be sucked into relationships with woman-hating irresponsible twats, etc.

Belive me, MILLIONS of us can and do avoid relationships with these assholes, and we are not clairvoyant.

The fact of the matter is that no one can hide their true character for that long. The signs are always there. These guys aren't psychological masterminds with Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde capabilities.

The flaws might become amplified when the man becomes complacent but stop telling women they have no responsibility or accountability for choosing to procreate with abusers/losers/users/arsholes or misogynists.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2025 15:33

So he thinks you're his ho.

I'd be making plans to end this 'relationship'.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2025 15:34

@TheHerboriste

Nope.

You're just lucky.

blubbyblub · 15/05/2025 15:35

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 13:09

We’re in a rented property both on the agreement. I don’t have family to stay with but he does. He’s saying I won’t be able to afford to live here on my own (universal credit should provide me with extra income) he’s not leaving and making me feel small by making it very clear I’ll get kicked out and homeless if I stay here and he goes.

So he is telling you that he is happy in a situation where his partner doesn’t want to be with him.

JHound · 15/05/2025 15:35

There are threads on AIBU lamenting the rise in single people and also people leaving marriages.

This is one of the reasons why! I life of servitude for an adult child? No thanks.

StandingOnYourMamasPorch · 15/05/2025 15:36

He sounds repulsive OP and I don’t think you should stay with him. You will cope on your own despite what he says. Men like him tell women that they won’t cope alone, but women do cope, often a lot better than they did when in a relationship with a horrible man.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2025 15:37

AmyOscar · 15/05/2025 15:16

I want to be constructive and suggest things to help your relationship, but your partner's attitude is so, so wrong - it is extreme. What I mean is, it's not just a little bit off - something that can be fixed via a few good conversations, it is horrendously misogynistic to expect sexual favours in return for helping with his own child/house/partner. My husband has NEVER behaved like this, and I don't know any men that do. Everyone has the capacity to be selfish at times, and we all have our ups and downs, but your partner's attitude is totally unacceptable. It demonstrates a total lack of understanding of what is needed to create a happy relationship and a happy family. On the basis of what you've shared on here, I would be making plans to separate. In an era where equality is discussed so much, I found your post really shocking. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Your partner's attitude and commentary is demeaning to you. Please don't stay with somebody who damages your self worth - because that is what he is doing right now. All the best x

Agree.

@Motherofone25

You should call Women's Aid and ask for help.
0808 2000 247

This man is happy to use you for sex even though he knows you don't want it. He's treating you like his property.

Lauralou19 · 15/05/2025 15:38

Honestly this really is one of those posts you can genuinely write ‘get out now’. He should be enjoying spending time with his new baby, supporting you and fully understanding that life has changed and priorities are different. Does he have no concept that its just as much his responsibility to do stuff around the house as you?

He makes me feel ill just reading this - this is not normal in anyway. My DH was loving and supportive in those early months (as always) aswell as holding down a stressful job and moving house. Please don’t think it is normal or acceptable to ever be treated like this.

WhiteCloudd · 15/05/2025 15:39

Oh Op I want to come round and give you a hug! What a selfish child he’s turned out to be.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/05/2025 15:39

@TheHerboriste
i think your upbringing has a lot to do with it, the role models in your life.
if your own parents had a similar relationship then you think it’s normal for example
i agree with you to a certain extent that the signs were probably there, but, not every women is equipped with the knowledge to spot them

ALittleBitWooo · 15/05/2025 15:40

Fuck me he sounds lovely! Men who love and care about you don’t carry on like this. Selfish piece of shit, I’d be done, hope you’ve got some real life support.

CallieG · 15/05/2025 15:45

Isn’t it amazing how we give birth to One baby in the hospital, but bring 2 babies home with us.

time to stop being nice & get real. Tell that man baby that he either gets involved with his family, does parental duties or he can pack his bags & go home to his mummy because you’re NOT his mother, you have one new baby to care for, you don’t need a 6 foot 180 lb baby lazing on the couch being a childish slob.