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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner expecting things in return for doing housework

202 replies

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 12:47

My partner and I have been on rocks recently and the main topic is due to him not helping around the house and with our 4 month old.
we works full time and I’m at home on maternity. I clean and tidy the house daily but leave the heavy lifting tasks to do when my partner is at home to do together.
He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things. He goes to the gym 4 times a week for 1.5hrs a time so he’s only home for 2-3hrs those days before going to bed.
I ask if he can do the last feed and nappy change before bed so he is still spending time with our child but he moans and complains about it.
he asks me what will he get in return? He is always seeking out sexual favours from me, since having our baby my sex drive has plummeted and we have spoke about this and I thought we were of an understanding that it’ll take time for me to get back to pre pregnancy body and mind. However, he believes he shouldn’t be doing any favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.
not sure how to go about this situation as I respect he’s working full time and doesn’t get all of the down time he wants but his expectations are of someone that has no responsibilities of being a partner or dad.

OP posts:
Mischance · 16/05/2025 08:17

I am sorry to say he is a wrong'un... you cannot spend your life with him, nor have your children experience his unacceptable behaviour. I wish you luck in sorting out your future and am sorry you are having to deal with this.

Nominative · 16/05/2025 08:23

I hope you've pointed out to him that he's doing nothing "for you", he's doing it for his home and his child? Also that if he spent less time at the gym he might have more energy for helping out at home?

Spacehop · 16/05/2025 08:30

Leafy3 · 15/05/2025 14:04

A reality check would be "why are you still with him" not why did you do this is the first place

Show quote history

Exactly. And these are red flags for the future, these are organizations that might help and you deserve better. Not, you shouldn't have got in this situation, it's your fault, which helped and empowered no-one ever.

Mischance · 16/05/2025 08:31

I honestly think that reasoning with him is not an option. If he is the sort of person who will expect sexual favours as payment for taking his share of family life then he is not a reasonable person, not father material, not partner material. The OP could spend the rest of her life engaged in this futile battle with a man without principles. Better to plan an exit now than wait till she is worn down with it all.

Devon23 · 16/05/2025 09:48

Wow thats horrible behaviour. Sounds like my x, there's a hint in that sentence. If a friend told you this about thier partner what would you say? Personally I would/did start to plan my escape, save money get things in order and kick him to the kerb. You deserve better than that. Imagine if you told your parents how he treated you - they would be horrified. I recall just letting a bit slip and a few days later when i was out my x was held up a wall and given a friendly chat by my dad. Not saying that was right but you can do this, I left with a 6 year old and 8 (blind/disabled) months old.

Nutmeg1204 · 16/05/2025 10:41

I think it’s quite common for men to take a while to adjust to the idea that once they get home from work they still need to help. Even my partner still gets overwhelmed that we don’t have much time to ourselves.

I read something great a while ago that really helped me get my point of view across when I was on maternity leave.

Either caring for the baby is hard work, in which case mums need a break just as much as dad. Or it’s easy in which case no problem for dad to help out once he’s home. Which one is it?

He should be going to the gym once the babies in bed usually, 4 times a week is a lot for someone who has a baby who can’t find time to help at home. I’d say 3 times per week, and some of those can be after bedtime.

Regarding sex, he may think it’s funny or okay but it’s not. Set clear boundaries and tell him when you are ready you will let him know. Maybe 9 months later I’m still not back to normal and too tired most of the time. Completely normal and intimacy is more than just sex a simple kiss or cuddle is fine most of the time at the moment.

He sounds like he needs to grow up.

If he doesn’t listen, you need to start leaving the house multiple evenings a week to go to the gym or for a walk and leave him with the baby more, maybe then he will understand.

SamDeanCas · 16/05/2025 10:46

What a vile and abusive man. It’s sexual coercion and emotional abuse. Leave him and set a good example to your child

boringbiscuits · 16/05/2025 11:05

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 19:20

There was no mention of abuse, I said cycles of him being good and then going bad.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Have a read up on 'the cycle of abuse' and I think a lot of it will resonate with you, sadly.

Shelllendyouhertoothbrushtoo · 16/05/2025 11:41

Men like this really motivate me to make sure my boys don't turn out like this.

He is fucking revolting. He's cock blocking himself. I can't imagine anything less likely to arouse than demanding sexual favours from a new mum for basic childcare and household responsibilities.
You'd be better and happier without him.

monkeysox · 16/05/2025 14:50

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 12:47

My partner and I have been on rocks recently and the main topic is due to him not helping around the house and with our 4 month old.
we works full time and I’m at home on maternity. I clean and tidy the house daily but leave the heavy lifting tasks to do when my partner is at home to do together.
He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things. He goes to the gym 4 times a week for 1.5hrs a time so he’s only home for 2-3hrs those days before going to bed.
I ask if he can do the last feed and nappy change before bed so he is still spending time with our child but he moans and complains about it.
he asks me what will he get in return? He is always seeking out sexual favours from me, since having our baby my sex drive has plummeted and we have spoke about this and I thought we were of an understanding that it’ll take time for me to get back to pre pregnancy body and mind. However, he believes he shouldn’t be doing any favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.
not sure how to go about this situation as I respect he’s working full time and doesn’t get all of the down time he wants but his expectations are of someone that has no responsibilities of being a partner or dad.

Get rid of this dick head.

WakingUpToReality · 16/05/2025 16:38

I'd struggle to ever have sex with him again to be honest. I felt nauseous reading your post OP. He just doesn't seem like a kind, loving person. I'd be planning a future without him. Women don't have to put up with this kind of crap anymore.

alcoholnightmare · 16/05/2025 16:43

“Either you do it, or I’ll ask Mike next door. I’ll go with the better deal”

what a sexist lazy arrogant prick

1HappyTraveller · 16/05/2025 17:52

This is abuse. Please contact your local domestic violence shelter or women’s aid for support. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

Gettingbysomehow · 16/05/2025 17:58

That's me done with mumsnet today I just feel sickened by this bastard. This should be the happiest time of your life, a new baby, a family lots to look forward to and you are being reduced to this by that "man" if you can call him that. For fuck's sake.

crazeekat · 16/05/2025 17:59

gross. Get rid of him now. Absolute asshole. that behaviour is disgusting, he is a lazy creepy disgusting man child and u would be better your own and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Theworldneedsmorelove · 16/05/2025 19:06

TheHerboriste · 15/05/2025 18:58

She plainly said that he has been abusive in the past.

It doesn't take a fucking genius to figure out that a man who is abusive at the best of times is not going to improve when the stress of a newborn is present.

Show quote history

Yeah...you blamed her before she even said that, that wasn't in original post
Plenty of men show no signs before the baby arrive.
Stop blaming women for the behaviour of shitty men.

chatgptsbestmate · 17/05/2025 11:43

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 19:20

There was no mention of abuse, I said cycles of him being good and then going bad.

This is abuse

Missy313 · 17/05/2025 17:17

GetMeOutOfHere20 · 15/05/2025 12:48

Bit late now why did you have a baby with him? It’s done now and you need to think about what you want your future to look like. Is having a disgusting man who blackmails with sex really someone you want in your and your child’s life.

Why shame this person for thier life decisions? This comment is not nice nor helpful.

Missy313 · 17/05/2025 17:24

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 12:47

My partner and I have been on rocks recently and the main topic is due to him not helping around the house and with our 4 month old.
we works full time and I’m at home on maternity. I clean and tidy the house daily but leave the heavy lifting tasks to do when my partner is at home to do together.
He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things. He goes to the gym 4 times a week for 1.5hrs a time so he’s only home for 2-3hrs those days before going to bed.
I ask if he can do the last feed and nappy change before bed so he is still spending time with our child but he moans and complains about it.
he asks me what will he get in return? He is always seeking out sexual favours from me, since having our baby my sex drive has plummeted and we have spoke about this and I thought we were of an understanding that it’ll take time for me to get back to pre pregnancy body and mind. However, he believes he shouldn’t be doing any favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.
not sure how to go about this situation as I respect he’s working full time and doesn’t get all of the down time he wants but his expectations are of someone that has no responsibilities of being a partner or dad.

Hi, firstly I want to say , you obviously care deeply and you're trying to figure things out, and seek some sort of support from this forum. I completely understand where you are coming from, as this is what happened with my partner when our son was born, he's 4.5 now. The thing is, and it might be hard to hear, that it's likely he won't change his behaviour. My partner still treats me like he has some sort of ownership over me, and his justification is because he's the main earner. Even after going i went back to work, and starting my own company, things haven't changed.
I'm sorry I don't have something more positive to say. I hope you have a good network of friends around you. I understand just upping and leaving a relationship with baby is hard, just look at me, I'm still in the thick of it. I hope you find the strength to find a way out of this, with your baby. Good luck xx

SunshineStreamingThrough · 17/05/2025 19:55

My BD left us (DD was 11months) after I gave him the choice of that, or staying but actually stepping up. I was scared of having to do it all alone but found it was actually way easier just to look after a baby than him as well. Don’t know why I took so long to realise that as I’d been her only carer all along anyway🙄
He’s not bringing any positives to the table and is making your life harder in fact! Drop the dead weight, you and baby will be better off.

Sunflowers67 · 17/05/2025 20:24

Yuck - what a disgusting man! No respect for you, no regard for your feelings and blackmails you for sex. No wonder you don't feel like being intimate with him.
Reading that made me think of my recent ex - just what he would do.
Get rid now - it will only get worse.

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 20/05/2025 21:40

Why do some men think ‘at work’ means ‘don’t have to help with parenting?’ When my son was that age he’d scream for hours in the afternoon, my husband worked 13 hours shifts starting at 6am and he’d come home and take the little one off me so I could have a break. I’d mainly go sort dinner for us but at least my hands were free from rocking/walking a crying baby around. Then he’d help bath the little man and feed him/get him ready for bed so I could take a shower.

Staying home with a baby all day is not ‘chill time’ and he’s going to the gym, what do you get? His behaviour is not that of a supportive partner and he’s using money to force you to stay with him. He’ll have to pay child support.

Wsiw71 · 03/01/2026 17:58

I hope you have left your abuser and life has improved.

perfectcolourfound · 03/01/2026 18:29

He's disgusting.

He sees housework and parenting as your job. Either due to misogyny or laziness or most likely a combination.

And he sees sex as something women do for men. Something that women owe men.

Both approaches are deeply unattractive, misogynistic and show a lack of intellgence and total lack of respect and care for his partner.

He is unlikely to get better. Please take some advice and start preparing to leave. You deserve better.

CopeNorth · 03/01/2026 19:22

Op I’m sorry. This is awful.

I’d suggest marriage counselling, if you want to stay with him that is. His behaviour is vile.