Partner expecting things in return for doing housework

[Motherofone25]

My partner and I have been on rocks recently and the main topic is due to him not helping around the house and with our 4 month old.
we works full time and I’m at home on maternity. I clean and tidy the house daily but leave the heavy lifting tasks to do when my partner is at home to do together.
He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things. He goes to the gym 4 times a week for 1.5hrs a time so he’s only home for 2-3hrs those days before going to bed.
I ask if he can do the last feed and nappy change before bed so he is still spending time with our child but he moans and complains about it.
he asks me what will he get in return? He is always seeking out sexual favours from me, since having our baby my sex drive has plummeted and we have spoke about this and I thought we were of an understanding that it’ll take time for me to get back to pre pregnancy body and mind. However, he believes he shouldn’t be doing any favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.
not sure how to go about this situation as I respect he’s working full time and doesn’t get all of the down time he wants but his expectations are of someone that has no responsibilities of being a partner or dad.

You don't give sex, quality sex is shared sex. It is not a currency. Neither is housework your job. That's another thing that should be shared.

It helps to think before speaking. This is the most unhelpful response. Unless you have anything useful or kind to add, keep your thoughts to yourself

In the absolute worst case scenario of you being made homeless you’d be entitled to emergency accommodation. I appreciate that’s less than ideal but it is proof he’s full of crap and is attempting to make you feel small and helpless so you’re less likely to leave him and will remain dependent on him. I urge you to look at this image and have a think about whether your relationship is abusive.

Him going to the gym is not 'work'! Your maternity leave covers the hours he is actually earning, to support his family. Outside of that (and I will include his commute time) you should both equally contribute to household tasks and childcare. You should both have time to yourselves as well. He wants to trade sex for doing things that he should automatically be doing, without you having to ask. No wonder you're not finding him attractive.

Do you want to leave op? Mn is great at helping with advice if you do?

She’s right, though. Sometimes people need a reality check to prompt action.

Ugh. He sounds immature, selfish and clueless but I also don't think the "victim" talk on this thread so far will serve you well in either the short run or long run.

If nothing else, you chose to have a baby with a moron, so please accept your share of the blame in this predicament. See, a helpless victim finds themselves in one bad situation after another, whereas a smart person who takes responsibility for their choices tends to fare much better.

Now, I notice you say "partner," not "husband." Call me old-fashioned but do you really think one or both of you not wanting to even commit to marriage is/was a good sign, as far as the likelihood of staying together long enough to raise a child to adulthood together?

So, since the two of you now have a child to think of, I suggest marriage counseling immediately, way before one more word about going your separate ways. As one who has been married for decades, I'll tell you that you should expect far larger challenges than this in your life together. Marriage counseling comes way before leaving. Good luck.

Obey me or you'll be on the streets!
What about the baby? Is he not concerned about the fact that his child won't have a home?
Your best strategy might be to generally smile and nod for now so that he doesn't become even more belligerent (I don't mean give in to him) but make a solid plan.

Sorry that you are in this situation. He is a horrible excuse for a man, your follow up posts are heartbreaking. It is not your job to fix him - he won’t change. It is your job to create the best life you can for you and your baby. To do that, you need to put yourself first. You cannot support your child if you are not on a stable footing, so think first about how you can make that happen, even if there is some short term discomfort.

Would you ever find this man sexually attractive again after his behaviour?

Oh Lord...I have a 4 month old and yesterday my partner was looking for a spa weekend for me (his idea). I just came home from a workout class with baby to an empty dishwasher, washed and sterilised baby bottles and he's just taken him out for a walk whilst on his lunch break to give me time to relax....YOU deserve a partner like that.

I’m using the vocab that he uses when it comes to housework and the baby.

You need to contact Domestic abuse charities, your GP and health visitor for support.

This is not a good man.

he asks me what will he get in return?

No one gets to expect favours for doing what they should be doing. Sex or anything else you do for him is separate to his responsibility to the house and family. I hate men like this, I am so sorry this is happening. IME men often use the birth of the first child to opt out of house and family work.

Why is he spending 1.5 hours a night at the gym?

It’s all about him isn’t it?

I can’t see this getting better, TBH.

"because we're roommates right now", he said?

Not the roommates thing. Next it will be the "like brother and sister" before progressing to "I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you".

That's part of "The Script".

He's already dropped part one on you.

Not trying to distress you more than you already are but are you certain his gym time is being spent in the gym and not with a new woman.

Watch out, because the cheating man will bug you for sex until he grosses you out, quite on purpose, with the full intention it will make your labido shrivel up and die. This is done so he can claim it's your fault when he gets caught at it. These type of bastards know if they play it right they can get a woman to blame herself so she will be more likely to let him get away with it.

The thickest of walking planks can be amazingly devious when plotting to deceive their partner.

Please, consider your next move carefully. A lot of us have been on the receiving end of Operation Mindfuck and ended up in the mire.

A reality check would be "why are you still with him" not why did you do this is the first place

Oh lovely, he gets down time and is horrible. If he gets 1.5 hours at the gym then yo8 get the same time to leave the house. And not having to prepay that baby for him before hand. But things won’t change and you need to leave

I think a lot of men struggle to adjust to life after babies, for some it's about adjusting their view of women being at home 'doing nothing' while they are working. For other's it's about doing things with the baby (some men don't bond with the baby until later) and then there's the issue with sex. Years ago when my mum was working on gynaecology wards she said so many women came in who needed to be stitched up again because their husbands had forced them to have sex before they had healed. It's so disappointing.

So your partner is not unusual in feeling some of these pressures, but his response is extreme. I get the sense that he is definitely checking out for the moment, he doesn't seem to bond with the baby and feels victimised by your lack of sexual interest in him. Is his excessive use of the gym recent? Does it allow him to keep away from the house and his responsibilities? Is he shaping up his body with a view to having sex with someone else? The way he cares for his body, disregards your body and seems oblivious to his baby's body needs really stands out to me.

He also seems to have a very transactional view of relationships. Did he have a loving family?

Anyway he needs to step up. I agree with posters who say you should hand over the baby and have a break on the nights he's at home so that he gets to understand exactly what having a baby is about. If you are afraid of leaving the baby alone, it might be worth getting his mother around on the first night if she's a useful person. If he can learn from another woman's perspective, he might be less self obsessed.

Good luck, you seem far too good for him.

You know this POS man-child waste of space is highly abusive right?! 🤨 Run. Get rid of him and live your life with someone that treats you with the love and respect you deserve (or just you and your little one - equally absolutely okay living in peace!), do you really want to be in this situation for the rest of your life?

Contact Women’s Aid as to a plan and end it. For both yourself and your child.

What a muppet!
so if you get someone else to do those jobs by his reasoning it’s ok for you to give them a bj? Of course it isn’t!

Maybe he is going through the transitional period of parenthood but come on! Be brutal! Ask him what he wants from life and you and make it clear to achieve those things he desires he needs to step up & quick!

Tell him the reward he is getting is the fact he already spent 1.5 hours at the gym.

What?! 6 hours a week invested into gym vanity time.

There's a reason why looks are not as important (to women) as the willingness of a man to take responsbility and be an adult. You want a father, not a peacock..

The financial threat sounds borderline coercive to me. He's leveraging your economic disadvantage and lack of family support to get you to do what he wants.

Dont like the sound of this at all...

I read this and it made me feel sick. Your partner is repulsive. I. Not surprised that you don't want to have sex with him. Just reading this makes my vagina shrivel up. SEX IS NOT TRANSACTIONAL.

He lives in the home and he is responsible for contributing to cleaning that home. He has a child and he is responsible for providing care and meeting that child's basic need. He is not helping. This I'd his RESPONSIBILITY.

Have you checked your benefit entitlement? Do a benefits calculator and see what you could get with and without him.

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Check the cm calculator and how much he should give you in maintenance.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Generally, I think it's a bad idea to make big decisions in the first year after having a baby but in this case I'd absolutely LTB.

He is a lazy, entitled pig. I would leave someone like this.

Whether the op is to blame or not for not spotting this vile man before the baby is completely irrelevant.

the baby is here now and all that matters is taking steps towards a better future.

op - this man is repulsive. A misogynist, sexist, lazy, selfish, useless father, terrible husband who coerces you in to sex. I’m guessing beyond thick as well if he doesn’t realise things like him going to the gym IS chill time, or that you would also need a break, or that you would even want to have sex with someone who treats you so appallingly.

there is no point talking to him, getting counselling with him, setting boundaries etc as he is extremely unintelligent and won’t understand it. You can’t argue with stupid.

start making steps to leave op. If you are in rhe Uk you CAN do it, we have a fairly good benefits system in place for single mothers.