Partner expecting things in return for doing housework

[Motherofone25]

My partner and I have been on rocks recently and the main topic is due to him not helping around the house and with our 4 month old.
we works full time and I’m at home on maternity. I clean and tidy the house daily but leave the heavy lifting tasks to do when my partner is at home to do together.
He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things. He goes to the gym 4 times a week for 1.5hrs a time so he’s only home for 2-3hrs those days before going to bed.
I ask if he can do the last feed and nappy change before bed so he is still spending time with our child but he moans and complains about it.
he asks me what will he get in return? He is always seeking out sexual favours from me, since having our baby my sex drive has plummeted and we have spoke about this and I thought we were of an understanding that it’ll take time for me to get back to pre pregnancy body and mind. However, he believes he shouldn’t be doing any favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.
not sure how to go about this situation as I respect he’s working full time and doesn’t get all of the down time he wants but his expectations are of someone that has no responsibilities of being a partner or dad.

As your child gets older, they will see this. They will see you, a woman, running around madly, doing all the cleaning, cooking, washing, childcare and getting no thanks. They will see their dad do whatever he pleases. Whether your little one is a girl or boy, make sure they grow up learning the right way to treat people and to understand responsibility, how to be a good parent and be a good partner.
Leave him for your children and what they'll learn from this dynamic, if you can't leave him for yourself, because this won't get better and he's shown you what he thinks of you and parenthood

Whens your tenancy up?

In fairness this one didn’t. OP has stated he cycles between pretending to be nice then reverting back to normal.

And after 5 years of that she had a baby with him.

Came to say the same thing. Like guys announce they think they can carry on like they did before, before the babies come. 🙄No most realise they had no clue what it actually entailed and it's too much like hard work for not enough validation.

He is not worth all of this time and effort.

OP admits that he was abusive long ago and before this child was conceived.

She plainly said that he has been abusive in the past.

It doesn't take a fucking genius to figure out that a man who is abusive at the best of times is not going to improve when the stress of a newborn is present.

There was no mention of abuse, I said cycles of him being good and then going bad.

Handed excuses for not knowing they were in an abusive relationship or not being able to leave it? Women are 7 times more likely to be killed after leaving an abusive man. This is coercive control aka abuse. Stop victim blaming

@Motherofone25 I think people are considering the “going bad” as being abusive. Coercion and emotional abuse, rather than physical.

Abuse isn’t just whacking someone op. Or pinning them down to rape them.

it sounds like your partner is guilty of coercion, which is abuse. That is where he blackmails you/emotionally manipulated you in to having sex with him, when you both know that you don’t want to. That’s a crime and is abuse.

God, that's grim. Using blackmail to gain sexual favours for participating in family life and being a Dad, is disgusting. Your partner is immature, and needs to accept he has responsibilities. Looking after his own child, and helping his partner, the woman he's supposed to love, shouldn't be a chore, he should WANT to do these things. You need a calm, honest conversation with him. If he's not willing to step-up, then I'd be looking to separate.

Unfortiamtly I think most men even the sweetest ones do this, they just want sex and the older they get they seem to want more 😭 in my experience any way, married for 25 years together for over 30, 3 grown kids 14, 22 and 20 xx get out now,!! You are worth so much more xx Dm me if you want to cx

OP I’m so sorry. This adult human male (he’s not worthy of the title ‘man’) is a proper piece of shit. Tell him he’s being a petulant child, and you’re not a paedophile so you’re not attracted to him.
Seriously though, start getting your ducks in a row and make a plan. Do NOT have another child with this pathetic overgrown child.

My ex was very much like this.
We were together 5 years before first child, I struggled as I breast fed so he couldn't help out with feeds, he'd claim he didn't hear her cry during night etc so I didn't it all, even when I went back to work, it was me doing 99% of the housework and childcare etc.
He'd always use his higher wage against me.
I was naive and ignored the red flags. After baby number 2 I combi fed, he still rarely helped out, maybe did the odd feed when asked. The rare occasion he did housework it's like he wanted a medal.
Like you've previously said, he classed us as room mates, seemed like I thought sex was a chore. Tbh if felt like it most times.

I hope you manage to turn it round. Maybe try explain that if he helps with a little housework you'll have that bit of time to relax and might feel more in the mood. Your body needs time to heal and if he can't see this he's an idiot. Maybe he needs to make more effort in making you feel great and good about yourself and your post baby body.
Good luck to you and keep smashing motherhood xx

This is an abusive relationship. Please seek counselling for yourself so you can work through this for yourself with a professional.

What’s happening to you is abuse. I went through it in a previous relationship and the best thing you can do is get this kind of help for mental clarity and help you decide what’s next.

What you have described is abuse. All of it.

You know what they call men who coerce their partners into sex are called don't you op?

This is absolutely an abusive relationship.

This isn’t going to end well OP unless you try and set some boundaries now- tell him he would have much more time to chill at home if he cut down the gym to twice a week and once at the weekend and that you expect some help regardless of your ‘putting out’ because to be frank you are finding his lack of domestic effort seriously unsexy - he will either step up or he won’t - and if he doesn’t- he is never going to , so you have some thinking to do at that point

Ah, him being a twat isn’t a recent development.

You didn’t use the word abuse but your posts describe an abusive relationship with your partner using manipulation and coercive control to train you.

Jist because you’re not ready to accept he’s an abused doesn’t mean the many wise and experienced women of MN don’t recognise the signs from your OP

@Motherofone25 speak to Women’s are d for advice on how best to move forward.
You need him out .

Ooh, this hit hard for me. You are absolutely right. Not to derail the thread but I always wondered why my abusive ex chose me when he was so displeased with me all the time. Can't believe all the stuff I forgave and excused. This explains it.

OP, your partner's behaviour is not normal. It is his home and child too and he absolutely should be helping out without being asked or demanding anything in return. Those gym hours are crazy with a small baby at home. Lay some boundaries down about what he needs to be doing. Talk to family/ friends if you can to get some perspective. It is hard to see a situation clearly when you are in it.

No. Only a few men do this. Many men are absolutely not like this. My husband is the kindest, most helpful person out there. He always put his kids and me first.

Google coercion