Partner expecting things in return for doing housework

[Motherofone25]

My partner and I have been on rocks recently and the main topic is due to him not helping around the house and with our 4 month old.
we works full time and I’m at home on maternity. I clean and tidy the house daily but leave the heavy lifting tasks to do when my partner is at home to do together.
He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things. He goes to the gym 4 times a week for 1.5hrs a time so he’s only home for 2-3hrs those days before going to bed.
I ask if he can do the last feed and nappy change before bed so he is still spending time with our child but he moans and complains about it.
he asks me what will he get in return? He is always seeking out sexual favours from me, since having our baby my sex drive has plummeted and we have spoke about this and I thought we were of an understanding that it’ll take time for me to get back to pre pregnancy body and mind. However, he believes he shouldn’t be doing any favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.
not sure how to go about this situation as I respect he’s working full time and doesn’t get all of the down time he wants but his expectations are of someone that has no responsibilities of being a partner or dad.

The best foreplay I get these days is my DP putting the washing on... genuinely made me more attracted to him!

Sadly with men like him threats are seen as an easy way out. He clearly doesn’t like being a father and if he feels he can get an easy exit including finding someone who will let him shag them and no responsibility for his DC he will likely push OP to ‘kick him out’. Threats are only effective if the person feels they have something to lose. If this idiot sees OP as prioritising HIS children, holding him to account by ‘nagging’, not allowing him to live the life he had when he was single and not having sex as frequently as he wants he probably won’t stick around anyway. It’s hideous how these arseholes expect their lives to stay the same and resend their partners for looking after their kids when they won’t even contribute themselves. I hope you find someone better, OP.

edited for an unfortunate typo!

Oh. I quite enjoyed that typo.

How terrifying to find that these monsters are still roaming about in the wild. Poor you OP ending up with one. Get rid.

@Notsosure1 in light of the OPs subsequent posts after that first reply of mine, I wouldn't give him the benefit of one chance to sort himself out in this way, and move straight to planning how to separate and move on. He is a piece of work.

So he thinks he is doing you a favour if he does any housework or childcare. It's all too common - so many men seem to be living in the 1950s.

ExDP was like this. I eventually told my GP that his behaviour was stressing me out - not just what you talk about but other stuff too - and she told me I was being abused. I had no idea.

Anyway, he certainly did not see me as equal and eventually I left. It was very difficult to do b it so worth it

First post, classic Mumsnet: <why did you have a baby with him…?!>

BCOS SHE IS NOT A FUCKING CLAIRVOYANT

You absolutely need to get you and your child away from this vile man. Your life will be so much easier without him.

Exactly.

All the "why did you have kids with this abusive loser" comments I see on threads are utterly pointless.

Many, many, many men show their true colours during pregnancy or after children are born. They think the woman is trapped and won't want to break up the family (and often they are right).

Men can absolutely pretend to be decent people for extended periods of time and we ALL ignore the occasional red flag

Does favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.

This is absolutely horrifying.

You are a prostitute to him.

Get the hell out of relationship and protect yourself and child

is he on the birth certificate?

not the same but my ex used to pester and guilt me for sex even when I was exhausted from working late/ having to drive 1.5 hours to work every day. It chipped away at any interest I had in sex, especially when I gave in because his guilt tripping was so bad. I’ve come to terms with what that was now but at the end of our relationship I told him that it just destroyed any feelings I had for him. I was so anxious all the time it was awful. I don’t know if you can talk to him but maybe you could get couples counselling and discuss the way coercion erodes any interest you have in sex. Also you’ve just had a friggin baby he needs to get over himself.

Ditch him now. He won’t change.

So sex isn't about love, passion, romance etc it's just his wages? Can he honestly not see that the best way for you both to reconnect sexually is to give you time, help you carry the load, treat you with respect and cherish you? Coercion will just put you off him even more. It's also abuse. He's disgusting
I'm guessing if he shat a melon he wouldn't be feeling particularly horny for a while.
Agree with other comments eg. stop doing anything for him, cooking, washing, organising...
Carve out your several hours out of the home.
He's a parent so needs to step up.
Personally, I'd tell him to go fuck himself (cos you won't) and leave.

That is absolutely revolting and demeaning.

Ugh. I am so sorry you have such a useless partner. Just to reassure you - life really shouldn’t be this way. I’m not saying my partner is perfect, but my partner always puts us first - never complains about doing housework, always feeds the baby and changes her nappy without being asked, always checks in about plans before doing something. I am lucky but my point is, that is a partnership. Unfortunately your partner has not got the memo and I would be seriously thinking about what you want from your future because this doesn’t sound like a happy one to me.

You've got a 4 month old baby and he gets 1.5 HOURS PER DAY of free time to go to the gym??!!

He's taking the absolute piss. Ask him when you get your free time. Ask him what you get "in return" for changing nappies and looking after the baby and housework after he gets home from work. Tell him to buck his ideas up or you're leaving.

I'd give him something alright. A boot up his backside out of the house. What a pig.

Oh god, why? Why be with someone like this?

Oh OP, he’s a nasty bastard.

He sounds sexually coercive. You need to find a way of leaving him.

Get your ducks in a row, contact local support charities, I would recommend Harbour.

Deleted post-wrong thread!!

You obviously have family somewhere you might have to move. It doesn’t sound like he really wants a relationship with you or the child.

Sounds like he needs a big talk about how his life has changed for you both now that you have a baby. He already spends a lot of time at the gym, and sorry, but his days of coming home and "chilling" are gone for the next 18 years.

He sounds extremely immature. I wouldn't be wanting to hop in bed with him either, and I definitely wouldn't have another child with him.

Saying you will be on the streets without him is just plain nasty. Between this and the chores for sex thing, it is clear that he doesn't respect you. If possible, I'd call his bluff and get your life all set up and move out. Given his attitude, I don't imagine he'd put up much of a custody fight.

How many homeless women do you see living on the streets with a baby in the UK? None

You’ll be absolutely fine on your own. In fact you’ll be a whole lot better off in many ways.