Page 6 | Partner expecting things in return for doing housework

katseyes7 · 15/05/2025 15:50

My ex husband was like this.
I worked shifts, full time. I did the housework, washing, ironing, and food shopping, all the finances, and looked after our dogs.
When l was exhausted and he'd been behaving like a twat (basically clattering about, switching lights on and making a racket until the small hours when l had to be up at 5am for work) and refused to have sex with him, he refused to cut the grass. Which was actually the only thing he did around the house, and it didn't bother me in the slightest how long the bloody grass was.

Sulky, huffy baby behaviour didn't do a lot for my libido. Or our marriage.
He's trying to blackmail you into having sex with him, whether you want to or not.
That's not a relationship, OP. It shouldn't be dependent on whether you're (as my ex used to say) 'coming up with the goods'.
Which goes a long way to explain why he's my ex. 😬

JHound · 15/05/2025 15:51

Mrsbloggz · 15/05/2025 12:57

With men like him a big part of the reason they want their partner to have a child is they know it makes her easier to control and dominate.
Men like him will tend to go for sweet natured women who always see the good in people because they know* that she will give him the benefit of the doubt and not realize that he's really a complete bastard wearing a nice mask.

*When I say they know it I mean they know it in an instinctive sense; they can 'smell' it. It's rarely an intellectually thought out strategy because he's stupid, but he is stupid like a fox.

And then if she dares to leave this shit show people will berate her for her broken home and not “thinking of the children”.

MayaPinion · 15/05/2025 15:54

GetMeOutOfHere20 · 15/05/2025 12:48

Bit late now why did you have a baby with him? It’s done now and you need to think about what you want your future to look like. Is having a disgusting man who blackmails with sex really someone you want in your and your child’s life.

What is the fucking point of questions like this? How is it supposed the help the OP?

OP, you will need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. He sounds like a piece of crap, and if I’m being generous he may not realise it. He’s still getting so much time to himself, he’s coercing you into sex he knows you don’t really want, and he’s acting like he’s doing you a favour instead of helping to maintain his own home. You need to talk to him. If that doesn’t work you need to consider whether you want to stay with him.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/05/2025 15:55

I really don’t think there’s many people around any more who berate the single mother for leaving an abusive man @JHoundcertainly no one whose opinion is worth listening to

StandingOnYourMamasPorch · 15/05/2025 15:59

JHound · 15/05/2025 15:51

And then if she dares to leave this shit show people will berate her for her broken home and not “thinking of the children”.

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Blimey, who the fuck do you mix with?

outerspacepotato · 15/05/2025 16:06

He's coercive and transactional and doesn't care whether you enjoy sex or not. That's not how a partner who loves you behaves.

He expects sex in return for doing domestic tasks that make the household that he is part of run smoother. He thinks that's beneath him and he wants sex acts in return.

He treats you like a sex hole and his personal prostitute.

RedOrangeSky · 15/05/2025 16:08

He is being awful.

You don't get much chill time when you have a 4 month old.

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 15/05/2025 16:09

Where is your 90 minutes to exercise free of distrations and responsibilities? Where is your downtime? Why does he ecpect your job to be so many more hours than his job? Is he really stupid enough to think that he can treat sex as something you are obliged to give him as a reward for doing basic partner and parenting tasks, AND that you should still desire it? Fuck no. No No No.

This is manipulative and abusive, and you don't go to therapy with a manipulator like this.

Blobbitymacblob · 15/05/2025 16:22

How many hours a day does he work? And in that time what breaks does he get?

Estimating an hour between lunch and breaks, and averaging an hour per day in the gym- are you getting a 2 hour period every day when you’re not cleaning, cooking or providing childcare.

Does he share the night shift or are you doing that as well.

I sympathise with him having no chill time after work - adulting sucks. But it sounds like you have no “after work” at all.

I know you probably feel completely stuck right now, with such a small one. But you’re living in a time and place when there is no social, cultural, moral obligation to remain in a partnership and you can gain your own financial independence, Just don’t get pregnant by him again.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 15/05/2025 16:24

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 13:09

We’re in a rented property both on the agreement. I don’t have family to stay with but he does. He’s saying I won’t be able to afford to live here on my own (universal credit should provide me with extra income) he’s not leaving and making me feel small by making it very clear I’ll get kicked out and homeless if I stay here and he goes.

He's abusive in multiple ways. Please call Women's Aid and make a plan to get out.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 15/05/2025 16:26

He's vile.

Contact Women's Aid or a domestic abuse organisation and ask for advice on ending your relationship safely.

Your job is not 24/7 while his is 9-5.
He doesn't 'need' downtime while you don't.
Spending time with his child is supposed to be a reward in and of itself. He can't see that? Not much of a father, is he.

Find a way to end it and get him out.

BellissimoGecko · 15/05/2025 16:27

Oh, OP, I’m so sorry to hear this. He’s absolutely vile.

You deserve much better.

He should be doing half the childcare and half the housework at weekends and evenings. You should have equal free time. Do you get to go to the gym 4x a week?

And unless he’s a complete idiot, he should understand the toll that pregnancy and childbirth have on your body. But I’m afraid it sounds as if he’s an idiot.

What do you want to do?

StrawberryWater · 15/05/2025 16:29

What a grim little baby man.

Get rid of him. Go to your GP and ask for help or ring woman's aid. He's trying to coerce you into sex which is a crime. Get out now.

Lookuptotheskies · 15/05/2025 16:32

OP go on the entitledto website and put in all your info.

Get all the financial facts in place and see if you can afford to stay in your current home if he did agree to leave.

This is coercive control and emotional abuse. It's fucking grim that he's saying he should get sexual activities for doing the bare minimum as a dad and partner. Grim. Vile. Disgusting.

I'd also like to point out, yes he works full time, but so do you, except you are NEVER off the clock whereas he has commute time, lunch hour, AND an hour and a half every day in the gym!!!

Pitching in with the housework and parenting is just bare minimum that any functional caring adult should do.

Do you have family or friends nearby ?

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 15/05/2025 16:37

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 12:57

We’ve been together 6 years and he has cycling of being better and then goes back to normal. He says ‘he doesn’t expect sex from me anymore’ ‘That's your issue your seeing being intimate with your partner as a chore.
Not a want.
I've stopped thinking of sex with you a long time because we're just roommates rn’

all because I’m not happily wanting to have sex with him when he feels he should be ‘rewarded’ it’s stopped feeling intimate and the way it should in a relationship when he started bringing it up in favours for asking him for help around the house and baby.

So you thought the 5 years of shittiness and selfishness you’d experienced would magically end once you permanently connected yourself to him and had a baby?

Catsandcannedbeans · 15/05/2025 16:40

This man is a tumour on your life and you need to cut him out. That’s fucking vile.

AnonWho23 · 15/05/2025 16:47

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/05/2025 15:05

yes. Stop talking to him about this whilst you check some cold hard facts. He doesn't have all the knowledge and is quite capable of making assumptions that suit him.

"He’s saying I won’t be able to afford to live here on my own"

Do the sums. It's a rental so you don't have to worry about selling and splitting equity. .. is he able to live there on his own? and wants you to move out? Or it is just that he would find moving back to his parents humiliating.
So basically he is suggesting you and the baby leave if you have to, but he is staying. What a PRINCE.

In anycase.. Are your finances separate?.. get your maternity pay paid into your solo account. Because if he's controlling about one thing. He might start to be controlling about that next.

You are on maternity leave, so you still have a job. If you can get UC and benefits whilst you get back on your feet, you might find that you can afford it. You could even get a lodger.... Students are always looking for places. So he's wrong.

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Also make sure you've applied for child benefit and its paid directly to you as the primary carer.

Hwi · 15/05/2025 16:49

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 12:47

My partner and I have been on rocks recently and the main topic is due to him not helping around the house and with our 4 month old.
we works full time and I’m at home on maternity. I clean and tidy the house daily but leave the heavy lifting tasks to do when my partner is at home to do together.
He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things. He goes to the gym 4 times a week for 1.5hrs a time so he’s only home for 2-3hrs those days before going to bed.
I ask if he can do the last feed and nappy change before bed so he is still spending time with our child but he moans and complains about it.
he asks me what will he get in return? He is always seeking out sexual favours from me, since having our baby my sex drive has plummeted and we have spoke about this and I thought we were of an understanding that it’ll take time for me to get back to pre pregnancy body and mind. However, he believes he shouldn’t be doing any favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.
not sure how to go about this situation as I respect he’s working full time and doesn’t get all of the down time he wants but his expectations are of someone that has no responsibilities of being a partner or dad.

He is a swine. If you told me he works like a dog then comes home and falls into bed because he is too tired, I would have said - leave him to it, you need him in perfect working order to provide for your family, but he minces off to the gym!? No way should this be allowed. Nip the gym in the bud, tell him to exercise around the house by doing things. Gym, my arse in parsley.

Hwi · 15/05/2025 16:53

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 12:47

My partner and I have been on rocks recently and the main topic is due to him not helping around the house and with our 4 month old.
we works full time and I’m at home on maternity. I clean and tidy the house daily but leave the heavy lifting tasks to do when my partner is at home to do together.
He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things. He goes to the gym 4 times a week for 1.5hrs a time so he’s only home for 2-3hrs those days before going to bed.
I ask if he can do the last feed and nappy change before bed so he is still spending time with our child but he moans and complains about it.
he asks me what will he get in return? He is always seeking out sexual favours from me, since having our baby my sex drive has plummeted and we have spoke about this and I thought we were of an understanding that it’ll take time for me to get back to pre pregnancy body and mind. However, he believes he shouldn’t be doing any favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.
not sure how to go about this situation as I respect he’s working full time and doesn’t get all of the down time he wants but his expectations are of someone that has no responsibilities of being a partner or dad.

He is a swine. If you told me he works like a dog then comes home and falls into bed because he is too tired, I would have said - leave him to it, you need him in perfect working order to provide for your family, but he minces off to the gym!? No way should this be allowed. Nip the gym in the bud, tell him to exercise around the house by doing things. Gym, my arse in parsley.

ParkHse86 · 15/05/2025 17:20

His "downtime" in my view is the 1.5 hours x 4 per week going to the gym!

He could come home, look after his baby (I was going to say "help with the baby" but he should be as responsible as you!), and then go to the gym.

It's sad he doesn't want to naturally spend time with the baby. I know some guys struggle a bit when the baby "doesn't do anything" at a newborn / first year stage, a few friends have partners who really stepped up as soon as there was more play / going out / doing things together started happening as the child got a couple of years older.

Someone2025 · 15/05/2025 17:25

Motherofone25 · 15/05/2025 12:47

My partner and I have been on rocks recently and the main topic is due to him not helping around the house and with our 4 month old.
we works full time and I’m at home on maternity. I clean and tidy the house daily but leave the heavy lifting tasks to do when my partner is at home to do together.
He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things. He goes to the gym 4 times a week for 1.5hrs a time so he’s only home for 2-3hrs those days before going to bed.
I ask if he can do the last feed and nappy change before bed so he is still spending time with our child but he moans and complains about it.
he asks me what will he get in return? He is always seeking out sexual favours from me, since having our baby my sex drive has plummeted and we have spoke about this and I thought we were of an understanding that it’ll take time for me to get back to pre pregnancy body and mind. However, he believes he shouldn’t be doing any favours for me (his responsibilities he signed up for when moving into his own home and becoming a dad) unless I give him something in return, which is sex in his case.
not sure how to go about this situation as I respect he’s working full time and doesn’t get all of the down time he wants but his expectations are of someone that has no responsibilities of being a partner or dad.

He is complaining that he has no chill time when he gets home and doesn’t like being asked to do things

When he says this just ask him when you are going to get ‘chill’ time, sounds like he is still able to maintain his gym hobby, do you have any hobbies / free time

Octoberdreaming · 15/05/2025 17:37

He’s despicable OP. A typical self-serving, entitled misogynist.
I’d be making plans to leave him asap and single parent if it was me - which is exactly what I did do for the same reasons.
Best thing I ever did for me and my child.

Daisyvodka · 15/05/2025 17:41

So if you say:
'It's really unsexy to me that I have to ask you to do chores like I'm your mum'
Or
'Why on earth do you think you should get sexual favours in exchange for doing stuff that is your responsibility anyway?'
Or
'Why don't you want to spend any time with your child?'
Or
'Do you realise how weird and immature you are being, I'm not a slot machine where you out chores in and sex comes out. Why are you being so weird? No wonder i don't want to have sex with you' (people hate being called weird)
What do you think he would say to each of these?

Avatartar · 15/05/2025 17:48

OP he’s not undertaking any favours.
He’s learning a new job - how to be a parent.
The more he practices, the better he will get.
Tell him if you split up, he’ll have to do everything for half the week when you share custody

Edenmum2 · 15/05/2025 17:50

Well he needs to understand that looking after his children is not doing you a favour for starters.