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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I save my marriage?

223 replies

MargaretfromtheHeed · 13/05/2025 14:08

I went away on a girl's weekend over Easter, bumped in to a work colleague, got very drunk and ended up having sex with him. I deeply regret what I did and tried to keep it a secret as I was so ashamed of myself. One of the friend's I went with told her husband and he told my husband who is a good friend of his.
My husband went off it, threw me out of our home and took all of my stuff to my parent's house. They are upset and angry with me. I have met with my husband for a coffee since then and I have never seen him as angry. He called me awful names. He says if there is any chance of sorting this out, I have to resign my job and give him the name of the man I was unfaithful with. I have a good career with a great company and don't want to give up the job I have worked so hard for.
My mental health is in decline and I feel awful. I have started washing myself down with soap and bleach in the shower and still feel unclean. I've been for an STI test too.
Any suggestions how I make my husband see reason about my career and still save my marriage? I made a mistake and at the moment my husband seems full of hell and unforgiving.

OP posts:
BunsenBurnerBaby · 13/05/2025 14:15

i see his point. If you have any chance of rescuing this you need to show your marriage is more important to him than your job. You will be able to find another job. I have left a great job for relationship reasons and it was the right thing to do (v different circs). Imagine yourself five years from now in both scenarios (give up job; don’t give up job). How do they play out? Find a counsellor to help you. Good luck

BigRenoLittleBudget · 13/05/2025 14:18

Sorry but I don’t think there’s any coming back from this. He may never trust you again and to be honest I would understand why. What if you get a new job and there are attractive men working there, will he trust you with them? Will he start being controlling and wanting to know your every move? What about the next time you want to go out for drinks with your friends?

I would just accept that this may be the end of your marriage. And maybe think about why you did what you did.. sorry I don’t mean to make you feel bad but you can’t have been so drunk you didn’t know what you were doing (if you were then that is rape). So at least a part of you wanted to do this. Have you been having problems with your DH?

rubyslippers · 13/05/2025 14:19

Put yourself in his shoes
why shouldn’t he behaving in the way he is
You’ve utterly betrayed his trust

I am not sure even if you quit it would save your marriage but if you’re not even willing to do that then …

categorychaos · 13/05/2025 14:25

Don’t give up job OP
Think why you did this?
Is there something in marriage you are unhappy with?
DH sounds hurt but is also being a bully
Look after yourself - most of us at some point in our lives make mistakes and learn from them - use this and time away from DH to work out what you want
Stop being hard on yourself and please seek support re feeling “unclean” and Mental Health
Whatever you decide don’t “roll over” and give DH anything - financial or otherwise that you are not comfortable with
Dump your friend - she is a shit stirrer

LoveMySushi · 13/05/2025 14:26

Honestly if my husband did this i could probably never forgive him. I think changing jobs is the least you should do and i completely get your husbands side. Time to get your priorities straight.

MounjaroMounjaro · 13/05/2025 14:27

Do you have children together?

andtheworldrollson · 13/05/2025 14:28

can you not see his reason ? He doesn’t want you near that guy ever again - you have to give him up or lose your husband

TeaCalm74 · 13/05/2025 14:29

Do you want to save your marriage? If so you do all it takes. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

Reddog1 · 13/05/2025 14:34

Assuming there’s no back story of abuse or anything like that, you are lucky that he’s willing to try to forgive you.

Quitting your job is not sensible unless you’re very wealthy or there are lots of roles advertised in your field, but for the sake of your relationship you need to start applying for new jobs and taking the first vaguely suitable thing. Sorry.

goid luck.

Vibgyor · 13/05/2025 14:35

I’m sorry to say but I’m with your husband on this one. I’m not trying to kick you while you’re down but I think it’s fair enough of your husband to need you to quit the job where your colleague you cheated with works.

Of course there is the risk that you leave your job and your husband doesn’t forgive you and you split anyway but if you aren’t prepared to take that risk you don’t sound that invested in trying to save your marriage. Only you know if it’s worth trying to save OP.

TipsyJoker · 13/05/2025 14:45

You get a different job. You can’t continue to work with the guy you cheated on your husband with. You just can’t. Changing company doesn’t mean giving up your career. If you’re not willing to do this, you don’t really want to save your marriage.

workshy46 · 13/05/2025 14:47

I wouldn't give up your job, with people knowing it is unlikely that you will be able to save your marriage so you will need that great job to support yourself
it wasn't someone at work so makes zero sense to quit.

Superscientist · 13/05/2025 14:55

You have to demonstrate that you are willing to put things in place for it to not happen again.
A long time ago during a manic episode, thought I could fly level mania, I was unfaithful. We were living apart but we were able to get through it and move on but it took time and the biggest thing I had to do was engage with treatment for my mental health, subsequently diagnosed with bipolar so that I could show that i was working on there not being the same scenario again. We were able to go back to living together soon afterwards. It probably took 12 months of hard work to get the relationship back on track another 12 months for us to fully move past it. This was nearly 15 years ago and we have had a very good relationship ever since

Don't quit your job immediately but I would start looking for other job opportunities away from this one.
I'd also do some soul searching about what happened that night and in retrospect what could you have done to not do it. Was that level of drinking a contributing factor and so on?

Trust is very easily broken but it takes a lot of time and hard work to rebuild it.

Expensivecoffee · 13/05/2025 14:57

Take away the im in a bad place take away the im washing with soap and bleach.
Im with your husband on this op he must be really hurt right now rightly so.

Its never the same after you have been cheated on even if things do get sorted out it will never be how it really was.

I was cheated on an it was blamed to the drinking we tried to sort it but i just felt like second best and always thinking what if he gets drunk again he did it happened again and i was done booted him out the same day.
So drunk he cant remember anything but can remember cheating.
I was hurt and felt like a fool.
And knowing others knew and i still stayed i looked like a right prat when he did it again.

What if it was him that cheated on you you would feel awful.

Im sure like many other threads on here we will soon get an update on how abusive your husband is and all the crap you have put with a dip feed just to somehow justify what you did.

Mrsttcno1 · 13/05/2025 14:57

He’s told you what it would take to save your marriage- you’re not prepared to do it, so you’re not really that arsed about saving your marriage.

You should have thought about your career & your husband before you shagged a colleague.

He’s absolutely right!

Expensivecoffee · 13/05/2025 15:04

I hate it when alcohol is the blame for people opening their leg for someone else.
Or in my case it was alcohol got the blame for him getting between legs.

You didnt care for him or your carer enough by laying on your back for someone else.
You tried to hide it but got caught out like most cheaters its not the doing it its getting found out that they dont like.

He says if theres any chance it dont sound promising dose it.

whitewineandsun · 13/05/2025 15:10

Your husband should see reason? Come off it. He's not the one who shagged someone else and lied about it. I bet his mental health isn't great, either. He's told you what it'll take. Whether you do it is up to you.

Action meet consequence.

BangersAndGnash · 13/05/2025 15:16

I think it is fair enough that he wants you never to be in contact with the man with whom you betrayed him.

If he is prepared to keep your marriage on those terms it is a reasonable demand.

Do YOU want your marriage to be retrieved?

Never mind being ashamed of your behaviour etc, do you love your DH? Do you want to grow old with him?

If so, throw everything at it.

And be prepare for hard and rocky times when anger and hurt re-emerge.

If not, be honest with yourself , stay in your job, walk away from your marriage.

Shitmonger · 13/05/2025 15:19

Sorry, but I think you’ve flushed your marriage down the tubes. Even if you quit this job he’s probably not going to be able to trust you in any other workplace either.

I think you should keep your job but plan to move forward alone with divorce etc. And perhaps some therapy/exploration into what led you to cheat like this, whether there’s an issue with the alcohol and drinking or something else that factored in.

JoyousEagle · 13/05/2025 15:22

You are being unreasonable to be expecting him to “see reason” after you cheated.

There was a thread on here recently where the OP’s husband had cheated with his colleague and the general consensus amongst the responses was that he should be looking for a new job.

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/05/2025 15:32

Sorry op, but I’m with the husband here too. Of course you should quit your job if you want to save the marriage - how would he ever be able to try and get over the affair if you are continuing to work there? It’s a reasonable request from him. You need to decide how much you want to save your marriage.

Snorlaxo · 13/05/2025 15:34

Your husband is being perfectly reasonable with his conditions . You need to choose which is more important and accept that the thing that you’ve given up is the price of your infidelity.

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 13/05/2025 15:52

How would you have reacted if this was the opposite way round and your husband was the one who had cheated? I'd imagine that he doesn't actually care if you're suffering now because he will be going through worse. I would imagine he's really angry that you don't want to leave your job. To me, it sounds as if you don't really want to save your marriage because, if you did, you'd be quitting your job in a heartbeat.

You talk about making your husband see reason but, you're the one not being reasonable. Did you really think he'd be happy with you continuing to work at the same place as the bloke you had a one-night-stand with?

I think you need to sort out your priorities and ask yourself if you really want to save this marriage or are just upset that everybody is angry with you?

Snorlaxo · 13/05/2025 15:53

Moving jobs is super common after infidelity as it proves that the cheater is serious about making amends and wants to spare their spouse the “what ifs”

Yabvu to use the phrase “see sense” You’ve caused a massive earthquake in his life and he will be feeling far worse than you and you need to acknowledge that if you forgives you, it could take years.

Your post is very me, me, poor me. I hope that you’re acting more compassionately in real life.

category12 · 13/05/2025 16:01

You need to seek help with your mental health. Hurting yourself physically isn't going to change anything.

You have to choose your job or marriage. It might be wiser to choose the job as there are no guarantees even if you do leave the job that the marriage will survive after this.