How do I save my marriage?

[MargaretfromtheHeed]

I went away on a girl's weekend over Easter, bumped in to a work colleague, got very drunk and ended up having sex with him. I deeply regret what I did and tried to keep it a secret as I was so ashamed of myself. One of the friend's I went with told her husband and he told my husband who is a good friend of his.
My husband went off it, threw me out of our home and took all of my stuff to my parent's house. They are upset and angry with me. I have met with my husband for a coffee since then and I have never seen him as angry. He called me awful names. He says if there is any chance of sorting this out, I have to resign my job and give him the name of the man I was unfaithful with. I have a good career with a great company and don't want to give up the job I have worked so hard for.
My mental health is in decline and I feel awful. I have started washing myself down with soap and bleach in the shower and still feel unclean. I've been for an STI test too.
Any suggestions how I make my husband see reason about my career and still save my marriage? I made a mistake and at the moment my husband seems full of hell and unforgiving.

Stop trying to give excuses to make her a victim. There is no indication this was rape, it is ridiculous to suggest that.

Wow. Let me ask you this , I sound controlling do I? If the couple went to therapy, do you think the therapist would say a single word you just said? They would not. Of course he has no right to cheat. Neither of them do. If you can't forgive you leave. What help does cheating back do ? Does it help the husband or does it ruin his mental health further? The fact you have called me controlling is so weird. Having an opinion doesn't make u controlling. Controlling is forcing someone not to do something. No normal person would say , yes it's OK for the husband to now cheat any one who says otherwise is controlling. 🤣... actually yes they do only On mumsnet hiding behind a keyboard

The husband was thinking about how to fix things immediately. However, she has shown how little respect she has for him so it is better for all concern for him to get out.

On his insistence that she leave her job because it would get her away from the OM she assume that is not an option and comes looking for ways to manipulate him. Only on seeing the back lash does she even start to think about a compromise.

There is obviously very little respect for him.

There are also the other rather concerning questions about how on a girls weekend away her colleague just happened to be there for her to shag. Then her assumption that her friends would all cover for her is very weird.

“ If you can't forgive you leave. ”

He has thrown her out. Or do you have some weird assumption that he can’t move on if he still lives in the same house but he can if he moves into another one?

Once a relationship is over you have no right to dictate who your former partner sleeps with. That is controlling. At this point she ended things by her cheating and lying.

As for what a therapist would say, I suspect they would suggest she drops all expectations on being able to dictate to him how he live his separate life from her. It is fairly clear that she has no respect for the husband and come here to look for ways to manipulate him. A good therapist would be very quick to try and stop that, people who try and control their exes can find themselves in trouble.

He sounds OK to me Karen!

This might be a bit of a reach - what if they were both drunk? At no point did OP say she felt like she was abused on this ONS.

It’s not a reach to ask a question. I have no idea what the answer might be, and neither does anyone else. I’m not jumping to conclusions or conjecturing. Many others on the thread are, though, filling in a lot of details that the OP hasn’t given.

This is a very misogynistic response to a simple question. She’s a complete stranger to you, as is her husband. Why are you getting satisfaction from tarring and feathering her? What’s your agenda in wanting her to be guilty? Does it make you feel better about yourself in some way?

I read a similar thread some time ago that started out similarly with the OP feeling guilty but a few posts and questions in it was clear that she had been raped while passed out asleep in a friend’s house. There’s no difference in the details given on that thread and this one so far.

I think this thread shows this is the very very last place you should come for advice on anything where you are feeling slightly vulnerable. The pile on the OP is sickening. I say that from someone who was in an abusive marriage for many years, was cheated on numerous times and eventually was left by my exH for someone else. So I know how being cheated on feels. I do not, however, think that gives an excuse for a load of people to pile on and say awful things to a person who has already said they feel vulnerable and dirty. I do hope the OP is long gone and I have reported this thread for MN to do a wellbeing check on the OP. It's very easy to sit in judgement and our high horses. It's less easy to show empathy and understanding and actual good practical and solid advice. OP, on the very slim off chance you ever read this. Get some counselling and take your time. Your marriage may well be over but it does not have to define you. Mine didn't.

No suggestions. He is entitled to his feelings. Leave him to process them how he sees fit.

This was helpful to a couple I know. His anger and hurt are totally understandable, both of you need counselling/ support separately and together to work out if the marriage can be saved.

Clearly not invested enough to read all the replies, but no two ways about it - to slightest chance of reconciliation means not working with the man you whored about with.

Some absolutely shocking misogyny on this thread. OP most people have made mistakes in life. Look after yourself and you'll get through it, whatever your H decides.

For saying opening your legs? She did. I would say the same to a man if he cheated. Is that misogyny?

Well Op did it. Admitted it. So the husband might feel better if he did.

For me it’s the “my mental health is in decline” like how many people use that as an excuse to justify their behaviour, loads! It’s emotional blackmail manipulation. Please feel sorry for because of my mental health. Takes away from people that actually have real mental health problems. Work with people with mental health issues and these people do not say “my mental health is bad” they rarely ask for help.

Yes you do sound controlling. And yes I believe the so called couples therapist would suggest he shag someone else to see how op feels. What does cheating back to? It would make the husband feel better I guess. But yes you do sound weirdly aggressive and controlling hiding behind your keyboard because you don’t like others called op out 🥳

I wouldn't say it's being punished. It's that she's suffering consequences, which is very normal and common when it comes to cheating. It's a consequence for many who cheat that their partner wants them to change jobs.

I will pass judgement, no matter how shit my marriage was (and it was awful and abusive) I didn't sleep with another man behind my husband's back, then tried to get my friends to cover for me whilst I lied to my husband. Then pull the woe is me, isn't he horrible, I'm so ashamed, but I refuse to accept his ultimatiums.

A mistake is missing the exit on the motorway or forgetting to put the bins out, or putting the wrong information in an email. Shagging another man isn't a mistake, she wanted to do it, she chose to do it. Now she has to accept the consequences.

People need to stop minimising cheating when it's the woman who does it. It's hypocritical. So far on this thread, we've had the husband being a bully and controlling, the friends being shit stirrers and someone trying to suggest the other man forced her.

I would say the same to a man who did this.
A drunken one night stand is in no way comparable to a long secret relationship involving deep feelings and months or years of deceit. Still potentially marriage wrecking.
Mistakes can be serious as well as trivial. Easy to judge and feel superior, isn't it? Doesn't make it right.

"A drunken one night stand is in no way comparable to a long secret relationship involving deep feelings and months or years of deceit"

It may have turned into that if someone else had not spilled the beans.

And if a man said I was drunk, it didn't mean anything it was just sex then any minimisation would be dismissed as this is just the "script"...

@Tartanboots
"A drunken one night stand is in no way comparable to a long secret relationship involving deep feelings and months or years of deceit"

But it wasn’t just the drunken one night stand, was it?

She cheated on her husband (open question how the male colleague from work turned up on a girls’ weekend away, but let’s leave that)?

She lied to her husband on returning home.

She put her friends from the girls’ trip in a horrible position and expects them to cover for her by lying to their partners.

She comes looking for ways to manipulate her husband in to accepting her behaviour.

This is a pattern of behaviour, clearly if she did this over years it would be worse but this is not a single mistake. The upset is getting caught. A lot of people here are looking to minimise the behaviour and transfer blame to others.

There is nothing misogynistic about telling people to stop trying to persuade someone, who is looking to avoid responsibility, to view a sexual encounter as rape.

Serious crimes need to be taken seriously and not suggested as an excuse to avoid responsibility for bad behaviour.

She said nothing to suggest it was and you should not go about trying to persuade people to reinterpret event in a way they were not. If someone describes events in a way to suggest that is what happened you ask more.