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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I save my marriage?

223 replies

MargaretfromtheHeed · 13/05/2025 14:08

I went away on a girl's weekend over Easter, bumped in to a work colleague, got very drunk and ended up having sex with him. I deeply regret what I did and tried to keep it a secret as I was so ashamed of myself. One of the friend's I went with told her husband and he told my husband who is a good friend of his.
My husband went off it, threw me out of our home and took all of my stuff to my parent's house. They are upset and angry with me. I have met with my husband for a coffee since then and I have never seen him as angry. He called me awful names. He says if there is any chance of sorting this out, I have to resign my job and give him the name of the man I was unfaithful with. I have a good career with a great company and don't want to give up the job I have worked so hard for.
My mental health is in decline and I feel awful. I have started washing myself down with soap and bleach in the shower and still feel unclean. I've been for an STI test too.
Any suggestions how I make my husband see reason about my career and still save my marriage? I made a mistake and at the moment my husband seems full of hell and unforgiving.

OP posts:
TheLimeQuail · 14/05/2025 08:55

I don’t think you should leave your job if you don’t want to but he should leave you to save himself the emotional torment of worrying about you

OchreRaven · 14/05/2025 09:49

You need to make a decision. Is your marriage worth the fight?

Because it will be a fight and you will have to regain trust and work on yourself to see why you cheated. If there were problems in your marriage before you cheated these are likely to get worse not better.

If you had a wonderful marriage but you cheated because of your own need for validation and you are willing to do what it takes then I would suggest the following.

  1. Dont minimise what you did. Accept that your DH has the right to feel the way he does.
  2. Tell him you will start applying for other jobs and give him a reasonable deadline for when you will leave your current job regardless of successfully securing another role.
  3. Be open and transparent with your phone and block your colleague. Only use work channels to communicate with your colleague and be open to sharing these with your DH.
  4. Don’t pressure him to move back in. But continue to communicate with him and show you care.
  5. Get into therapy. If he is willing ask to go to couples therapy too.
  6. Give up drinking. Accept that there will be no more girl weekends away for the foreseeable future.

You broke your marriage but your husband is equally paying the price. Right now he understandably feels betrayed, humiliated, inadequate. If you want to save your marriage it has to come from scarifies you make. He shouldn’t have to sacrifice his self worth.

Winter2020 · 14/05/2025 10:11

If you stay with your husband I think he will be forever trying to punish you. Keep your job that you love so that you can support yourself.

If you do want to stay with your husband I would stay at your parents and give it time. When he has calmed down ask if he is willing to date again etc but be clear that you won't be punished.

Mjaxten16 · 14/05/2025 10:17

categorychaos · 13/05/2025 14:25

Don’t give up job OP
Think why you did this?
Is there something in marriage you are unhappy with?
DH sounds hurt but is also being a bully
Look after yourself - most of us at some point in our lives make mistakes and learn from them - use this and time away from DH to work out what you want
Stop being hard on yourself and please seek support re feeling “unclean” and Mental Health
Whatever you decide don’t “roll over” and give DH anything - financial or otherwise that you are not comfortable with
Dump your friend - she is a shit stirrer

wtf mumsnet women? He sounds like a bully? We all know if this was a man you’d all be kicking off, Ltb, get your ducks in a row, once a cheat always a cheat. Just stop with the excuses. Her husband is behaving exactly as any of you women would. I’ve read it before tell him if he wants to save the marriage he should Leave the job, stay away from that woman? Cut contact etc Give me her name blah blah blah

tuvamoodyson · 14/05/2025 10:21

categorychaos · 13/05/2025 14:25

Don’t give up job OP
Think why you did this?
Is there something in marriage you are unhappy with?
DH sounds hurt but is also being a bully
Look after yourself - most of us at some point in our lives make mistakes and learn from them - use this and time away from DH to work out what you want
Stop being hard on yourself and please seek support re feeling “unclean” and Mental Health
Whatever you decide don’t “roll over” and give DH anything - financial or otherwise that you are not comfortable with
Dump your friend - she is a shit stirrer

Yes…take no responsibility for this whatsoever. It’s everyone else’s fault!

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2025 10:26

Wrong thread, apologies

ClosetBasketCase · 14/05/2025 10:36

Dont' give up your job. Its daft, just to please a man, who will in all likelyhood hold this against you forever. It'll get dragged up in every future argument, about every little thing.
Honestly- I'd be getting a separation agreement in place, finding a divorce solicitor and preparing to start life on my own.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 14/05/2025 10:46

You cheated, so you have to accept that your marriage may well be over. To me, it's unforgivable.

Ilovemyshed · 14/05/2025 10:51

You could change jobs but still won’t be happy in your marriage. What is the root cause of your “mistake” because if you were really happy you would not have done it. I think you need to take some time to have a good hard think about what YOU want.

TheHerboriste · 14/05/2025 11:22

Don’t give up a good career to pacify a man. It is unlikely he will forget or forgive.
Accept that the marriage is over (it couldn’t be that great anyway if you were open to having sex with someone else) and see a solicitor ASAP.

Don’t use bleach on yourself. You need to find a mental health counselor, too.

HectorPlasm · 14/05/2025 11:24

categorychaos · 13/05/2025 14:25

Don’t give up job OP
Think why you did this?
Is there something in marriage you are unhappy with?
DH sounds hurt but is also being a bully
Look after yourself - most of us at some point in our lives make mistakes and learn from them - use this and time away from DH to work out what you want
Stop being hard on yourself and please seek support re feeling “unclean” and Mental Health
Whatever you decide don’t “roll over” and give DH anything - financial or otherwise that you are not comfortable with
Dump your friend - she is a shit stirrer

Bloody hell - even in a situation like this the bloke gets the blame!

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 14/05/2025 11:26

Sadly your actions have forever changed and most likely ended your marriage. If you’re not immediately willing to do whatever it takes to mend this, then I doubt you are going to be up to the task. Keep your job, you’ve lost your husband already.

Areyouserioushuh · 14/05/2025 11:40

you wash yourself with bleach?.....

thats a strange comment.

husband should leave you 100%

aurynne · 14/05/2025 11:40

OchreRaven · 14/05/2025 09:49

You need to make a decision. Is your marriage worth the fight?

Because it will be a fight and you will have to regain trust and work on yourself to see why you cheated. If there were problems in your marriage before you cheated these are likely to get worse not better.

If you had a wonderful marriage but you cheated because of your own need for validation and you are willing to do what it takes then I would suggest the following.

  1. Dont minimise what you did. Accept that your DH has the right to feel the way he does.
  2. Tell him you will start applying for other jobs and give him a reasonable deadline for when you will leave your current job regardless of successfully securing another role.
  3. Be open and transparent with your phone and block your colleague. Only use work channels to communicate with your colleague and be open to sharing these with your DH.
  4. Don’t pressure him to move back in. But continue to communicate with him and show you care.
  5. Get into therapy. If he is willing ask to go to couples therapy too.
  6. Give up drinking. Accept that there will be no more girl weekends away for the foreseeable future.

You broke your marriage but your husband is equally paying the price. Right now he understandably feels betrayed, humiliated, inadequate. If you want to save your marriage it has to come from scarifies you make. He shouldn’t have to sacrifice his self worth.

I came to the thread to say exactly this, but @OchreRaven has done it so beautifully, there is nothing more to say.

TheAmusedQuail · 14/05/2025 11:51

Honestly, your marriage is over. Your mistake was too big.

You might as well hang on to your job because you'll need it to support yourself.

Tristan5 · 14/05/2025 12:16

categorychaos · 13/05/2025 14:25

Don’t give up job OP
Think why you did this?
Is there something in marriage you are unhappy with?
DH sounds hurt but is also being a bully
Look after yourself - most of us at some point in our lives make mistakes and learn from them - use this and time away from DH to work out what you want
Stop being hard on yourself and please seek support re feeling “unclean” and Mental Health
Whatever you decide don’t “roll over” and give DH anything - financial or otherwise that you are not comfortable with
Dump your friend - she is a shit stirrer

Unbelievable!

She cheated on her husband, having unprotected sex by the sounds of it.

There is no way back from that, he should absolutely divorce her on the grounds of adultery.

UnimatrixZeroOne · 14/05/2025 12:18

You cheated and you lied. Suck it up, Buttercup.

Hydenseek78 · 14/05/2025 12:59

You say you were away on a girls weekend and "bumped" into your work colleague. How far away from home were you all? Did your colleague know where you were going? Just how close are you to this man? I've bumped into colleagues and friends on nights out while drinking but I've never had unprotected sex with any of them. It makes me wonder if this was a pre-planned "accidental meet up" and your friends found out you cheated and was disgusted by your behaviour and did the right thing and let your husband know and now he's kicked you out you're playing victim. I'm with the husband on the fact you should move jobs and let him know the name of the man you had sex with for his peace of mind you're not meeting up/contacting each other/have had an emotional affair thats moved to physical. You say you will do anything to save your marriage except anything your husband has asked for. I don't think you love your husband at all. Your husband is devasted that the person he loved and trusted the most in this world has betrayed him this way, He has every right to be angry and say hurtful things. Me personally would never take you back, once trust is broken i'm out. I've cut off family for a lot less. I don't think your marriage can be saved, you sound quiet selfish tbh.

TY78910 · 14/05/2025 14:43

@Hydenseek78 i didn’t even think about that! Plot thickens!

You say you were away on a girls weekend and "bumped" into your work colleague.

I’m really invested in this story but don’t think OP is coming back. I want to know if she’s still friends with the friend that told her husband who told her husband.

BarleyMcGrew · 14/05/2025 14:50

AubernFable · 13/05/2025 17:46

Against the grain but I would bin off the husband and keep the job honestly. I understand why he wants what he wants but I wouldn’t be doing it, get over the breakup, move on and work on yourself rather than forcing it to work with current husband because clearly there was something lacking for you to cheat.

Don’t hurt yourself or live in shame, just try and make a clean break and allow him to do the same.

This.

OP, ignore the bitches. You are seriously struggling and you need to look after your own mental health before you can even think about making decisions on anything else.

Your friend owes you an apology for setting off a bomb in your life (you won’t get one though). Who does her husband think he is?

Kbroughton · 14/05/2025 14:59

JoyousEagle · 13/05/2025 17:27

Yes it’s an example of the MN sexism from a few posters.

A poster says her husband cheated, and he’s an awful scumbag who should be divorced immediately because if she forgives him, he’ll know what he can get away with and therefore will do it again.
A poster cheats, and it’s probably because her husband is an awful scumbag who pushed her into her mistake, and how dare he be upset.

Show quote history

Are you reading a different post than me? I have seen very few supportive messages with the vast majority siding with the husband and being down right nasty in places. She made a mistake that many people do. And I agree with the (very) few people who are saying that she doesnt appear to be a serial cheater and maybe she is unhappy in her marriage and did a stupid thing. There is a big difference between that, and to cheat over and over again, and I speak as someone who was cheated on time and time again and was eventually left by said person for someone else. Being unhappy in a marriage doesnt make either party an 'awful scumbag'. If it was me, I would try to move roles but in a measured way. The shouting and shaming to me is a red flag, and I would not just give up my job with nothing to go to, in any circumstances whatsoever. While I dont know this, I think the OP will be opening herself up to a level of control and it will get worse, not better if she does this. OP - I would be getting out of my parents house asap by renting somewhere. Get some counselling to help you deal with all this, give myself some time to decide what you want to do. if it is your husband, then you will likely have to move jobs but dont let him force you out. Commit to looking for a new job. Also if you are married which I think you are, you have rights to the house. Infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with it and dont let him tell you otherwise. Maybe get some initial legal advice on that score as well.

chatgptsbestmate · 14/05/2025 15:11

You made a mistake. We all make mistakes. Unfortunately your husband has decided to put some rules in place so that your marriage can continue.

Of course, even if you give up your job and give husband the name of the man, he may still divorce you

I would advise:

Stay in your job
Do not give your husband the name of the man
Find a Counsellor to talk to about the situation and your need to cleanse yourself (you're not dirty btw)
Assume that your marriage is over
Talk through , with your Counsellor, what you want your future to look like

You had sex once. It was a poor decision but please stop beating yourself up about it. Have some compassion for yourself.

ZoggyStirdust · 14/05/2025 15:12

OchreRaven · 14/05/2025 09:49

You need to make a decision. Is your marriage worth the fight?

Because it will be a fight and you will have to regain trust and work on yourself to see why you cheated. If there were problems in your marriage before you cheated these are likely to get worse not better.

If you had a wonderful marriage but you cheated because of your own need for validation and you are willing to do what it takes then I would suggest the following.

  1. Dont minimise what you did. Accept that your DH has the right to feel the way he does.
  2. Tell him you will start applying for other jobs and give him a reasonable deadline for when you will leave your current job regardless of successfully securing another role.
  3. Be open and transparent with your phone and block your colleague. Only use work channels to communicate with your colleague and be open to sharing these with your DH.
  4. Don’t pressure him to move back in. But continue to communicate with him and show you care.
  5. Get into therapy. If he is willing ask to go to couples therapy too.
  6. Give up drinking. Accept that there will be no more girl weekends away for the foreseeable future.

You broke your marriage but your husband is equally paying the price. Right now he understandably feels betrayed, humiliated, inadequate. If you want to save your marriage it has to come from scarifies you make. He shouldn’t have to sacrifice his self worth.

This is spot on
anything less than you fully and completely committing to these things and your husband should run a mile. You’ve already cheated, tried to keep it a secret, minimised, and show reluctance to accept it and take responsibility.

Okgolightly · 14/05/2025 15:30

BarleyMcGrew · 14/05/2025 14:50

This.

OP, ignore the bitches. You are seriously struggling and you need to look after your own mental health before you can even think about making decisions on anything else.

Your friend owes you an apology for setting off a bomb in your life (you won’t get one though). Who does her husband think he is?

Show quote history

Why on earth does OP’s friend owe her an apology?! OP has said she wanted to keep her ONS a secret from her HUSBAND. Good on the friend for not standing for it IMO. I’d have done the same in her situation.

Original poster
MargaretfromtheHeed · 14/05/2025 15:47

I spoke to my husband on the telephone and he wanted every last detail about what happened and I caved in and gave him the name of the guy I slept with! He told me he had given everything to our marriage and had loved me with all his heart! I have agreed to look for a new job as I want a future with my husband.
I’m worried that my husband knows the full name of the man I slept with. My husband seems to be in a very controlled rage at the moment! I’ve never seen him like this before! I don’t want him to do anything stupid regarding the other man. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
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