How do I save my marriage?

[MargaretfromtheHeed]

I went away on a girl's weekend over Easter, bumped in to a work colleague, got very drunk and ended up having sex with him. I deeply regret what I did and tried to keep it a secret as I was so ashamed of myself. One of the friend's I went with told her husband and he told my husband who is a good friend of his.
My husband went off it, threw me out of our home and took all of my stuff to my parent's house. They are upset and angry with me. I have met with my husband for a coffee since then and I have never seen him as angry. He called me awful names. He says if there is any chance of sorting this out, I have to resign my job and give him the name of the man I was unfaithful with. I have a good career with a great company and don't want to give up the job I have worked so hard for.
My mental health is in decline and I feel awful. I have started washing myself down with soap and bleach in the shower and still feel unclean. I've been for an STI test too.
Any suggestions how I make my husband see reason about my career and still save my marriage? I made a mistake and at the moment my husband seems full of hell and unforgiving.

I think your marriage is over.

There are no guarantees that your husband would ever get over infidelity to reconcile, and he could always change his mind about being together in the future, as is his right. He sounds very blindsided and he has told you exactly what he wants if you want him to even think about reconciliation.

You honestly don't sound that remorseful, just sad that you got caught and you don't want to do the obvious things like change jobs. Now I don't agree with giving him the name of who you cheated with.

You need to start individual counseling to see why you would cheat and to immediately address your self harm issues in washing yourself with bleach.

Well don't give up your job - you are4 going to need it when you are single.

He is right to be furious - he now knows he is married to someone he cannot trust.

Let him go and find himself a faithful partner.

How can you expect your DH to ever begin to contemplate trusting you again when you are still working at the same place as the person you cheated on him with?

You have to decide. Marriage or job. It really is that simple.

That's not to say that there is any guarantee of saving your marriage if you do change jobs, but unless you do, your marriage stands no chance at all.

That was a very 'Poor me' post OP.

Your husband has told you what you can do to save your marriage: Quit your job and give him the guy's name.

No guarantee that it'll work, obviously. But that's the price you pay for ruining his life for a shag.

Omg, she comes on here for support, but there are some people who are bullying on here.

hun, you made a mistake. It’s not okay but ur still human. You don’t appear to be a serial cheater. I’ve been cheated on because my marriage wasn’t great. Cheating happens for a reason. If your willing to address why it happened then great. Don’t make any decisions or be forced into anything your unsure about. Take time out & think about what you want. Your husband will have to learn to trust you, he can’t physically stop cheating repeating again. But maybe take time off work, spend time away from husband. Until your in the right frame of mind, then decide what is best. If you leave job, you may resent him, if you stay he will be insecure. So see if the person can move department or you are able to. If you stay , then work with your husband on rebuilding the trust but one way or another something has to give. So decide with a clear head, a calm heart & give things abit more time. Even if you didn’t keep it quite, it wouldn’t have changed the cheating took place. I hope these words offer some comfort. Don’t be hard on you, take it as a lesson. Xxx

Before you do anything, do you have access to an employee assistance programme through work?

You may be able to access some counselling quite quickly to talk all this through with a professional. You've clearly got yourself in a mess & need help to stop the self harm.

Honestly bin the husband.

He has every right to be angry at you but demanding you leave your job and shouting vile names at you? Yeah sorry but it'll only get worse.

Go work on your mental health instead.

OP I once did a similar thing but I've realised since that it was because I was so unhappy in my marriage and we probably shouldn't have been together. I was very immature and clueless because I'm autistic and it took me a very long time to grow up. These things are always more complicated than they appear.

It sounds like you're being shamed by your DH and your parents and now you're shaming yourself. I don't think you can stay with your DH because by doing what you did, you've handed over all the power in the relationship to him. He's ordering you're to leave your job and you're washing yourself with bleach. Now you've come on Mumsnet knowing that you'll be shamed further.

You're human, you made a mistake....or maybe you didn't make a mistake and it was a subconscious way of ending your marriage. Just stop with the shame and have some self respect. Your parents may feel upset but they should be offering comfort - not making you feel even worse.

My friend took hers back after an affair,but he had to agree to never see the woman again.
As he was her manager
That meant a new job as well.
It was his choice either way
They did get back together

Changing jobs if you work with the OM is reconciliation 101, so what he's asking is not unreasonable in the slightest.

It's unlikely the marriage can be saved if you're not on board with the terms for doing so. And even if you do, there's no guarantee.

You should focus on getting some help with your mental health, which will also help you reigning in the drinking, since that's what you've decided is responsible for your cheating.

But actually,I wouldn't give up a job I loved and name the man ,if I was in your shoes.
Your husband sounds very unpleasant indeed
Your husband wants the name to cause trouble
And he's being awful to you .
Time to end things I think

No he doesn’t sound unpleasant.
Of course he wants to know who it is.
No he isn’t being awful.
Thats the OPs husbands choice.
He sounds like a man hurting and reeling from what his wife has done to him.

OP, I’m certainly not someone who thinks mistakes arnt made, I don’t think people who cheat are the worlds worst people but, you have to decide if your job is more important than your marriage. You’ve damaged it and so, if one of your husbands conditions is for you to leave your job, then you leave your job. If you would prefer to keep your job more than you’d prefer to keep your husband then leave him to find his peace somehow.

I don't think you can save your marriage. You didn't make a mistake. You made a decision to sleep with someone else.

Firstly The bleach is alarming please stop doing do this.

Do you have children?

As a first port of call please try and find a good marriage counsellor who can try and help you navigate this. Have a phone call and check you have some kind of rapport - i tecommend speaking to 2 or 3

Ultimately most families cannot support themselves if one "just quits" so it is inadvisable to "just quit".
Equally, it's totally understandable that he would expect you to change jobs. I would WANT to change jobs so I never had to see that guy again.
I think you should agree to start looking for a new job IF you want to save your marriage and discuss this with the counsellor and your DH

I think you will have to accept your marriage is over.
Your husband sounds as though he won't ever really forgive you, and that's his prerogative.
You will definitely be glad you have a good career going forward.

Funny how all of a sudden when a woman cheats, it's a mistake and not a choice. Of course it's a choice.

We should really not make ourselves out to be so weak. We have agency.

You obviously don't love your husband so, end the marriage.
Don't pretend you do, if you did you would never have cheated on him.

Seek therapy, you made a mistake - don't harm yourself, it won't achieve anything.

Keep the job.
Your marriage is over.

Keep away from colleague too.

Dump the blabber mouth friend.

It's definitely a choice by the OP but its also a reality that some marriages do survive infidelity...

OP regrets it and her husband has indicated he wants to reconcile. She's also washing in bleach so dan we lets show a bit of humanity.

People make mistakes and bad choices. She's hasn't been systemically cheating on him with his brother for decade...

Yes it’s an example of the MN sexism from a few posters.

A poster says her husband cheated, and he’s an awful scumbag who should be divorced immediately because if she forgives him, he’ll know what he can get away with and therefore will do it again.
A poster cheats, and it’s probably because her husband is an awful scumbag who pushed her into her mistake, and how dare he be upset.

I agree with this. You need a grand gesture for a major fuck up OP.

Why did you cheat? And being drunk isn’t a reason. Lots of people get ridiculously drunk without cheating on their partners. Alcohol is just an excuse. Have you been unhappy in your marriage before this happened? I think you need to truthfully address why you did it before you can promise to your husband that it won’t happen again.

I personally wouldn't give up my job or go back to your husband.
He will most likely use this to bully and control you forever. You will end up a shadow of your former self.
Own what you did and move on with your life without him.

While the advice to honestly consider why she cheated is solid (I agree that cheating is a sign that something is wrong), there is hypocrisy in some posts. When a man (threatens) self harm after an event like infidelity, the advice is to call an ambulance or the police and words like abuse are used. I think that the OP genuinely feels remorse and the self harm with bleach needs medical help.

Shouting at a spouse who has cheated is not “unpleasant” and “awful”. It’s a natural reaction to a traumatic event and he’s not unreasonable to be angry that she hasn’t left her job. Somebody suggested that OM should try and get another job- why would he do that ?

If you consider your marriage truthfully and don’t want to reconcile with your h then that’s a legitimate choice that you can make. It would be kinder to do it sooner rather than later so that you and him can start working on healing sooner. There’s lots of examples where this was the best choice for both husband and wife. I understand why you might have wanted to reconcile as a reaction to the infidelity as it is a gesture that shows remorse on the surface but if you go down that path then it’s going to be really hard with no guarantee of returning to the point before you cheated. Sometimes there’s too much water under the bridge and the painful path of recovery is too much. I have gone through a breakup after infidelity and the emotions yoyo’ed for years but we split which had the positive that we weren’t taking our emotions out on each other.

OP regrets it and her husband has indicated he wants to reconcile. She's also washing in bleach so dan we lets show a bit of humanity.

The washing in bleach is overkill. She needs a therapist to deal with that. She may regret cheating, but in the same post she wants advice on how the husband should see reason. So, yeah.

Stop moping after him it's done move on