How do I save my marriage?

[MargaretfromtheHeed]

I went away on a girl's weekend over Easter, bumped in to a work colleague, got very drunk and ended up having sex with him. I deeply regret what I did and tried to keep it a secret as I was so ashamed of myself. One of the friend's I went with told her husband and he told my husband who is a good friend of his.
My husband went off it, threw me out of our home and took all of my stuff to my parent's house. They are upset and angry with me. I have met with my husband for a coffee since then and I have never seen him as angry. He called me awful names. He says if there is any chance of sorting this out, I have to resign my job and give him the name of the man I was unfaithful with. I have a good career with a great company and don't want to give up the job I have worked so hard for.
My mental health is in decline and I feel awful. I have started washing myself down with soap and bleach in the shower and still feel unclean. I've been for an STI test too.
Any suggestions how I make my husband see reason about my career and still save my marriage? I made a mistake and at the moment my husband seems full of hell and unforgiving.

I wouldn’t try to save the marriage in all honesty. You’re reacting out of guilt. If you look at your marriage realistically, were there any red flags from your husband before? He sounds aggressive and controlling now. Is he likely to track this person down? Just wondering what it was that made you cheat. Your self-flagellation and overwhelming guilt doesn’t make you sound like a classic cheat.

I think it’s understandable he wants to know everything, including the name of the person you cheated with. I would if I was in his position.

I assume that you are concerned he may physically harm him? He is responsible for his own actions, just as you are if yours, but if you think there is a possibility of him causing harm, I would let your husband know that this man means nothing to you, but your H does. Tell him you don’t want him to do anything that could get your H in trouble or he will regret later. Put the emphasis on your concern for him not the OM.

Is the other man in a relationship? He may want to cause trouble for him that way instead. You can’t get involved though. Doing so will look like you care about the OM. Your colleague knowingly slept with a married women so if that has negative consequences (other than physical violence) then so be it.

Can someone tell me where the husband sounds aggressive and controlling??? Which part of this man’s very legitimate anger is aggressive and controlling?

Any suggestions?

Yeah don’t shag your colleague when you’re married and then act totally nonchalant about it would be a good place to start I reckon.

Stop washing with bleach before you do yourself some serious injury.

You are not unclean. You made a huge mistake - you don’t seem to mention why you did it. Even when drunk we make choices- I wonder if deep down you’re not as happy as you think you are… you slept with someone else and chose that but why really?? Bored?
think about why this happened. And do you really think you feel remorse or is it just you feel bad because of everyone else’s negative judgement of you?

No judgement from me. You don’t deserve to be called names and certainly don’t deserve to feel dirty and wash yourself with bleach. Seriously stop that because it will cause serious injury.

take some time away from all the judgement and think long and hard about what you really want. I do think IF you want to save your marriage, there’s no easy fix; your husband will probably not trust you for a long time- this is where you need to really think about why you made this choice in that moment. You’ll need professional help from a counsellor for both of you together and independently.

lots of luck to you x

I agree with your dh, to get past this you do need to find another job. You also need to be very transparent with him, if he asks you need to tell him ALL the details, as difficult as it is. By hiding things he’s left feeling even more in the dark, so you need to tell him what he wants to know. I’d also suggest marriage counselling.

your post sounds very much about how YOU feel. Not what your dh feels

Your husband has told you how to save your marriage:

He says if there is any chance of sorting this out, I have to resign my job and give him the name of the man I was unfaithful with.

You're the one who put your marriage in the position of needing to be saved, so if you're not willing to do what your husband says you need to do in order to save it, then you don't deserve to be married.

This sounds like it is toast.
You cheated (not just “a mistake” a whole series of choices).
You then lied when you went home and he had to find out from someone else.
He set terms for how you may fix this and you are unwilling to even consider them and want advice on how to manipulate him.

I don’t think you should give up your job as I think the marriage is over. You don’t seem to have much respect for him and didn’t seem very motivated to fix things.

What?

"cause trouble" like finding that the OM has a wife or girl friend and informing her of his cheating? Some "trouble" sounds like a good thing.
Beyond causing embarrassment to someone who sleeps with their married colleagues and ensuring any partner knows the husband is unlikely to do anything.

The reaction sounds like normal behaviour for someone who has been cheated on. You seem really keen to victim blame in cheating scenarios.

I find it a bit ‘odd’ that you were away for the weekend but bumped into a work colleague. What are the chances of that?

If I was in your dh’s position I’d want to know the details and prob would ask him to find a new job. Does the other man work at your work place as you said ‘ex colleague’. Ultimately to need to chose between your marriage and your job.
im not sure I could ever forgive my dh. The marriage would be tainted forever and the trust gone.

It is not him that needs to see reason it is you.

I said the exact same thing and some of the comments slating her friend is maddening. A true friend wont sit back, they hold you accountable and her friend sounds like she has morals unlike the op.

I think he should just go out and fuck someone else - then they can consider reconciliation

So he is supposed to accept his wife fucking another guy and bareback too

What planet are you on?

She behaved like a cheap shag for the night, the husband should absolutely get rid of her - she’s embarrassed her family too, just awful!

I’m afraid I think Mumsnet is the absolute opposite of this. If this was a man they’d be out in force telling him exactly what they think of him and saying leaving his job was the least he could do. As for saying “ if he can’t forgive this he mustn’t love me anyway’, what kind of emotional blackmail is that? No man on threads like these ever gets told his wife should forgive him and if she can’t she can polish her halo! Or called a bully if she tells him he needs to leave his job. I’d bet my house that no cheating man ever got told anything anywhere near it on here. Cheating women get a far easier ride than cheating men on here. Being a site predominantly for women it’s understandable I guess.
OP I’m concerned about your mental health around feeling ‘unclean’ and literally trying to wash the stain of what you did off yourself, please get some help and support with this. It’s clearly affecting you deeply.
How to get to forgiveness?
Acceptance and forgiveness after infidelity can only come from the unfaithful spouse taking full responsibility and accepting that you didn’t make a ‘mistake’, you deliberately made what you know with hindsight was a terrible decision after a few drinks. You then chose to conceal it deliberately and it took a friend’s husband to tell him the truth. This was a horrible way to find out which will leave him in no doubt that you’d still have this secret kept from him had they not intervened.
Your integrity and honesty are completely shot as far as he’s concerned now, so the way back is full honesty and remorse and being prepared to change your job if that’s what it takes. Resistance to this will look like you care more about you than him and what you did to him.
Tell all, apologise, take full responsibility and ask him what he needs to see from you for you to be able to stay together. He’s not going to believe that you’d move heaven and earth to try to put this right without it. And that’s where forgiveness lies.
You can’t turn back the clock but you can do the right thing now and actually strive to be the person he thought you were. Personal growth like that can only improve your self esteem and make you happy again. It’s a win win for both of you.
It can work OP but these things have consequences and it’s time to either sort this out on his terms, or if you can’t or you think it’s too unreasonable, you leave.
In the meantime please get help for yourself with your issues around shame and guilt. Doing the right thing is the quickest way to turn guilt and shame around, then you can be proud that despite fucking up, you were fully accountable and honest and made amends. I hope you get a second chance.

I haven't read any other messages to you but please stop washing yourself with bleach. You're hurting yourself.

Re the rest of it well it's done so maybe look at some good counselling to help with your mental health (bleach washing) and also explore why you slept with this guy. There must have been various points where you weighed up whether this was a good move and you still did it so look at why. Were you unhappy with DH before this?

Outstanding post.

All I can say is your DH is being more generous to you than I would be.

It's not your DH who needs to see reason.

He really doesn't.

Many women who were cheated on would respond the exact same way, throw the husband out, call him names, ask for the name of the woman he slept with and tell him to find a new job.

You don’t. Your husband deserves better than you.

I have MH issues, I don’t cheat on my partner.
.

I will say that even if you do what he says, he probably won’t trust you again anyway. Marriages don’t survive for this sort of infidelity. If you resign from your job that is your security and money, so think long and hard before making that choice.

do you have children?

The number of cheating apologists on here is very odd. The obvious man-haters who just jump to the “it must the be husbands fault” default. More unpleasant are those who have attacked the friend who told her own husband.

She went on a girls trip to have some fun away from everyday stresses. One of the group then chooses to shad some bloke behind her husband’s back and put all member of the trip in a horrible position of having to know this when dealing with the husband in future (regardless of wither the OP tells him or not). When getting home she tells her own husband (probably in response to the normal “how as the trip”) as she is not going to lie in her own marriage. Her husband make the legitimate decision to tell his friend what he has the right to know.

I would seriously question the type of person who on hearing this story attacked the friend who has integrity and is honesty in her marriage, rather than the cheater who took all the unethical decisions to cheat and then to lie.

Really? You feel the need to post this when the OP is clearly struggling badly with mental health issues around shame and feeling ‘dirty’?
Whilst the OP is responsible for her own decisions, her regret and shame are real and clearly having a serious effect on her.
I think we all know what happened as does her husband.
This comment is shaming, triggering and totally unnecessary.