How do I save my marriage?

[MargaretfromtheHeed]

I went away on a girl's weekend over Easter, bumped in to a work colleague, got very drunk and ended up having sex with him. I deeply regret what I did and tried to keep it a secret as I was so ashamed of myself. One of the friend's I went with told her husband and he told my husband who is a good friend of his.
My husband went off it, threw me out of our home and took all of my stuff to my parent's house. They are upset and angry with me. I have met with my husband for a coffee since then and I have never seen him as angry. He called me awful names. He says if there is any chance of sorting this out, I have to resign my job and give him the name of the man I was unfaithful with. I have a good career with a great company and don't want to give up the job I have worked so hard for.
My mental health is in decline and I feel awful. I have started washing myself down with soap and bleach in the shower and still feel unclean. I've been for an STI test too.
Any suggestions how I make my husband see reason about my career and still save my marriage? I made a mistake and at the moment my husband seems full of hell and unforgiving.

Please don’t be using bleach to wash your Fanny if anything you’re going to burn your clit off.

I think you’ve kind of made your own bed. You went on a girls weekend away and bumped into a coworker? Like how did that happen? Did you know he was going to be at the same place as you? Did you flirt with him before? What is the history there?

You must have know it would come out eventually if you’re friends were there and they know your husband? Being drunk is a weak excuse. You still know exactly what you are doing and you did it. Unless he took advantage of your drunkness?

You tried to keep it a secret, your moaning that he’s called you awful names, what did you think would happen? You’ve said your mental health is in decline but it seems like your just worried about you and not how your husband is feeling.

The trust is gone so I don’t think there is really any coming back from this. I would say the same thing to a man if people think I’m being harsh. But no sympathy.

Very poor me. I’m surprised no one else picked that up. She’s seems more upset with her own feelings than her husbands.

Disagree. You can see from the comments where people have posted about a cheating husband the majority are LTB. If op really loved her husband she would have never cheated surely? Blaming the husband because he won’t forgive her is ridiculous. How many times is op allowed to cheat and be forgiving for in order for her husband to prove he really loves her?

The comments saying the friend is a shut stirrer and to bin her makes my mind blown away. WTF.

This was the first thing I thought of. Like just jumped into him… sure. Where were her friends when she bumped into him? Surely if it’s a girls weekend you’re pretty much together the whole time and probably share beds? Also like how long from bumping into him did they wait until they shagged? 30 mins? An hour? Where were they? A hotel, a bar? Where were her friends? Did no one notice her missing. Nothing really adds up and I assume she is not telling the truth.

Well I suspect her friend’s husband thinks he’s a friend to ops husband by telling him the truth. Which he is. Why does the friend owe Op an apology? Op did this to herself. No one else is responsible. Op lay in another persons bed and now has to take responsibility.

I honestly can’t believe I’m reading these posts blaming him and saying he’s controlling, aggressive and predicating that he’s going to batter the OM.

So cheats he deserved everthyingh he gets a woman and it is'understandable poor you he is being a big bad wolf'

but OP do you honestly think this will ever go away and he will move on and never bring it up and thngs will just carry on? yes some couples do manage too but do you really think he will not anyother person who says ''yes we managed it" but your actual husband do you really think he will get over it?

and what about if you do it again?

There is not one bit of me that is surprised at all

Oh it’s the friends fault now…

its 100% the OPs fault, can’t be trusted, then cries whoa is me.

No one else to blame but her and hopefully her DH gets rid, moves on to a better life with a wife that’s trustworthy.

It make take him some time though, poor bloke.

I’m sorry?

A lot more harsh and judgmental on a woman? On MN??

The language you’re using here absolutely drips with misogyny. It’s disgusting.

I’ve been drunk many times and have never put my marriage at risk. That’s very extreme behaviour. Was it really a happy marriage that was going well? If so it sounds unfixable unless you never drink alcohol again.

I just find it hard to believe that a good marriage is so easy to throw away after a few drinks. And it can’t have been that many if you can now provide details and names and so on to your husband. Isn’t it better to just end this now?

Yes OP, do the decent thing and leave your marriage.

Your DH deserves so much better than you.

100 percent get a different job. Don't put your career over your family

Imho there’s obviously other issues within your marriage which caused you to consider, and go ahead with cheating. Someone happily married just doesn’t do this.
You’ve destroyed the trust, and I doubt there’s any coming back from this. I think at this point, changing jobs will be a token gesture at most.

The problem I have with this is that in giving up her job, OP is essentially ‘being punished’ and something about that doesn’t sit right with me. I completely empathise with OP’s husband, an act of infidelity in a relationship is a complete deal breaker for me (been there, done that) and once that trust is broken, it never comes back, no matter how well the issues are sorted. I understand the desire for OP to leave the environment that led to the infidelity and therefore lessen the chances of it happening again, however how can OP’s husband be guaranteed that OP won’t do it again with someone? There are no guarantees that it won’t, unless the issues that led to this happening are sorted. Counselling would be a way forward, rather than sanctions that will inevitably cause more conflict in the future, in my opinion. I’m sending you hugs OP, I’ve not been in your shoes, but have been in your husbands shoes - I’d be questioning why you slept with someone else and addressing that, that’s the solution. It may be that the marriage is irretrievable but surely that’s better for you and him than being in a relationship where you’re not happy.

Not many people here acknowledging the washing with bleach.... Please seek help for that op.

Yeah. Don’t sleep with people behind your husbands back.

I also think this. Id be concerned asking you to quit your successful job is about punishment rather than reconciliation.

You cheated and then decided to hide it instead of being honest. It took his friend to tell him, probably something the friend found really hard to do.

Now you're all "poor me, my husband called me names and given me an ultimatium".

Now the guilt is causing you to wash with bleach, sorry not quite sure I believe that. If you are you need serious help.

Maybe don't sleep with other men and if you do take responsibility for your actions.

This. 100% this. Take some time to work out exactly what you want before you make any decisions.

You’d be mad to give up your job I think. You’ll always resent him for that, he’ll always resent you for cheating, surely best to just call it quits?

OP, you are not in a good frame of mind at the moment so please don’t make any decisions about giving up your very good job that you have worked so hard for.
By all means, look for similar positions but never ever give up your current job, until you have secured something else that you are 100% happy with….not even if your husband demands it as part of the package of saving your marriage.

Try to stay calm and try to stop thinking you are dirty…you really really aren’t dirty at all. The stress of guilt can make you feel that way but it’s not the way to go OP. Fuelled by alcohol, you simply made a mistake which you have owned and accepted but that does not mean that you can’t be kind to yourself or deserve kindness from others.
Neither does it mean that your husband can act in rage, and unreasonably dictate what you do.

Only calm, rational communication between you both, once he is past his rage stage, will show you both the way forward out of this. That may mean eventually changing jobs if you both agree it’s the best step forward but please don’t do anything or make decisions in haste.

Like you, I’m concerned that your husband appears very angry and out for revenge. He isn’t thinking straight because of his rage at being usurped by another man. There’s a chance your marriage may not survive anyway so please hang on to your job and your career prospects -and your sanity, until he calms down and you can talk properly as equals.

You have done wrong and of course you should expect that he is upset about the effect of that disloyalty on your relationship. It will take work to sort it out. However, your mistake is no excuse for him to become violent or aggressive towards OM or controlling and dictatorial towards you.

Please try to calm yourself and think about getting help from the doctor if you can’t control the washing and bleaching.
Also, think about who you can trust to confide in. Your parents sound angry and impatient with you, and your work friend who gossiped isn’t really a friend either.
Is there somebody else you can really trust to understand what you are going through?
You need help to get over the shock of the fall-out of your mistake and really think about your own feelings about your marriage. There’s no going back and so this is now a good opportunity to really think about what is important to you going forward.
Good luck OP.

I thought OP wanted to save her marriage, it’s what the title says.

In which case working with the man she shagged is not going to work for her DH.