How do I save my marriage?

[MargaretfromtheHeed]

I went away on a girl's weekend over Easter, bumped in to a work colleague, got very drunk and ended up having sex with him. I deeply regret what I did and tried to keep it a secret as I was so ashamed of myself. One of the friend's I went with told her husband and he told my husband who is a good friend of his.
My husband went off it, threw me out of our home and took all of my stuff to my parent's house. They are upset and angry with me. I have met with my husband for a coffee since then and I have never seen him as angry. He called me awful names. He says if there is any chance of sorting this out, I have to resign my job and give him the name of the man I was unfaithful with. I have a good career with a great company and don't want to give up the job I have worked so hard for.
My mental health is in decline and I feel awful. I have started washing myself down with soap and bleach in the shower and still feel unclean. I've been for an STI test too.
Any suggestions how I make my husband see reason about my career and still save my marriage? I made a mistake and at the moment my husband seems full of hell and unforgiving.

Against the grain but I would bin off the husband and keep the job honestly. I understand why he wants what he wants but I wouldn’t be doing it, get over the breakup, move on and work on yourself rather than forcing it to work with current husband because clearly there was something lacking for you to cheat.

Don’t hurt yourself or live in shame, just try and make a clean break and allow him to do the same.

The marriage is over.

Either you keep your job and it’s done anyway.

Or you leave your job and then resent him for it.

Even if you left your job, it doesn’t mean he can ever truly forgive you.

Most people would at least consider looking for another job with a different company but the fact that this isn’t an option for you (and you cheated) sounds like you don’t want to be in the marriage that much anyway.

Agree with all of this, it’s okay to be hurt its not okay to start being controlling, He doesn’t sound worth fighting for at all.

I think your marriage is over, because you you seem really selfish and unaware of what you have actually done. It's not your husband who needs to "see sense", it's absolutely you. If you were truly remorseful and eager to save your marriage, you would understand completely that you need to find another job to distance yourself from the person you have cheated on your husband with. But you don't get it, so what's the point?

Also, you really need to have a think about your relationship with alcohol. If you drink so much that you end up in bed with other men, it means you can't handle your liquor and shouldn't be drinking.

People are a lot more harsh and judgemental on a woman who steps out of line than they are a man. Don't be too hard on yourself and certainly don't use bleach. You're only human. We all have our frailties and we all make mistakes. In your place I'd be saying if he can't forgive this, he doesn't really love me anyway and it might be better to call it quits. He can go polish his halo.

@Gettingbysomehow I agree with that and have been on both sides of the coin in 2 different marriages- my ex H was totally horrible to me ( understandably) and it was never the same

Don’t give up your job @MargaretfromtheHeed .
It won’t save your marriage and you will have lost your job too.

Your dh is rightly furious, hurt and upset but he’s unlikely to put this behind him whatever you do to put it right.
You need to accept that your marriage is probably over and move on.

Do you think! I’ve seen hundreds of threads here alone where the man is called all sorts and ultimately women are told to LTB. They say this over a text message let alone full blown sex! I think this thread has been pretty mild at times.

Seriously? She cheats, and him not forgiving that means he doesn't have love for his wife? Are you actually serious? Just because you love someone doesn't mean you are supposed to forgive ANYTHING they do wrong. Stepping out of the marriage is one of the worst betrayals you can subject your spouse to, it's not something you use against the wronged party like, "if you love me, you'll forgive and forget that I opened my legs up to another man". I have never heard anything more stupid. A person is entirely entitled to not forgive infidelity, and does not equate to lack of love.

I think you might need to accept your relationship is over.

Firstly you weren’t honest as you said you tried to keep it a secret.

Secondly, he found out via mutual friends as opposed from you.

Finally, he’s allowed to be angry about the series of betrayals, see this as unforgivable, and assert boundaries.

You don’t have to accept name calling or ultimatums or aggression - but ultimately you need to end the relationship. It’s not really something that you can revert.

Also it might be worth leaving your company regardless of what happens with your relationship- generally women’s reputation takes a hit when they have casual sex with colleagues, as opposed to the man’s reputation. You’ll likely be better off finding a new job on the same level as this might avoid fallout if colleagues find out.

‘How I make my husband see reason’. - Stop minimising what you have done.

’I made a mistake’ - a mistake is getting in the number 9 bus instead of the 11. You haven’t made a mistake, you have pissed all over your marriage vows, embarrassed, humiliated and disrespected your husband in the worst possible way and seem hell bent on glossing over it.

i don’t think there is any way he will forgive you, nor should he.

Women forgive cheating all the time .. in fact I’d say most do based on threads on here but men v v rarely do. The fact his friends all know will make it virtually impossible for him to move on or forgive you .. I suspect he wants to make you suffer first before totally pulling the plug. His anger is driving him .. most women in his position it’s sheer devastation.. they are advised to find their anger but rarely do. I would be v v slow to give up your job in the current climate as you could end up jobless and without a husband or one that now has totally control

How ironic that a thread was started earlier today insinuating all men cheat…..

if this was a wife posting her husband had cheated, EVERY SINGLE reply would be to LTB - and yet here, on the other foot, there are posters claiming he can’t love you if he can’t forgive you or ‘don’t be too harsh on yourself, mistakes happen’

Somehow it’s worse when it’s a work colleague as there is usually some kind of emotional connection to start with, and if you still end up working together it is likely to escalate into a full blown affair - so I’d be asking exactly the same as he is.

Being intoxicated doesn’t make it any less wrong, you sought sex elsewhere, outside of your marriage, and in nearly all scariest like this, regardless of sex, it’s usually a sign that things aren’t right and the marriage would fail regardless - being unfaithful only highlights this point much sooner than it might otherwise arise.

Yeah I agree with those saying your marriage is over. You're not getting past this one, well HE your DH is never going to get past it.

Better to end it formally now and focus on your career.

You sound young and childless, you'll be fine.

You need some therapy to unpick why you had sex with another man. Yes alcohol played a part, but you weren't so drunk that you didn't know what you were doing, so there must have been an element of you that wanted too. Has your relationship with your husband been rocky? You need to be honest with yourself. Of course your husband is angry, he has every right to be angry, disappointed, sad and any other emotion...you have betrayed his trust. You've got to show your husband that you want to save your marriage. You can't stay working for the company, knowing that the man you had sex with is still working there too! You need to find another job, if there's any chance of your husband of forgiving you. I'm not so convinced giving your husband this man's name is a good idea. What's he going to do with the information? Stalk him online? Tell his wife/girlfriend (if he has one)? Confront him? Hit him? I understand he's angry, but doing something stupid won't help the situation. Couples counselling is also something you both need.

@MargaretfromtheHeed I presume the colleague is someone you know well and work with daily, hence your DH's demand for you to resign (I'm not sure how knowing the colleague's name helps your DH though unless he's planning some retribution against him, which would be very foolish). At the moment, these are your DH's terms and he gets to dictate them because you've hurt him terribly, so you need to decide which is most important to you; your marriage or your career. Be careful though, agreeing to your DH's demands doesn't guarantee the continuation of your marriage and you may give up your job for nothing if he can't forgive you.
I think you need to do some soul-searching and admit your reasons to yourself for having sex with this colleague. If you only did so because you were drunk - and wouldn't even have considered doing so if you'd been sober - then you need to give up alcohol, and then persuade your DH that this is the solution rather than leaving your job. You need to be honest with yourself though, OP, and if being drunk was only a contributing factor, but not the reason, you need to understand why you did this. If the fundamental reason is due to something lacking in your marriage, this may help you decide how to respond to your DH's demands (as would the length of your marriage and whether or not you have DC).
How large is your employer organisation? Could you get a transfer to another office/location so you are no longer in contact with the colleague? If this is possible, do you think this would be enough for your DH?
Marriages can recover from a one-off infidelity, but it will take a lot of work and reassurance from you and forgiveness from your DH. I hope you can both move past this if it's what you both truly want.
Incidentally, I'm sure you now know your "friend" never was that.

Fucking a work colleague when your married isn’t a mistake.

I can only imagine the responses if this was a man posting.

Keep your job and split from your husband as the trust is gone anyway. I don’t blame your DH - this is on you that your marriage is over.

I’m sorry but I couldn’t forgive if my husband did that. Start divorce proceedings and move on, you’re clearly not happy in your marriage if you can jump in bed with a different man so easily

I wouldn't forgive my dh if he drunkenly slept with a work colleague, BUT if I was to entertain the idea, I'd want him to find another job too and if he was resistant to that, then it would 100% be game over, because if I'm not worth more than his job then that tells me everything I'd need to know.

If you truly felt like you'd made a terrible mistake and you truly wanted to save your marriage, you'd be handing in your notice. He's not asking you to bin your whole career, just the job where your work colleague who you shagged also works, which I think is fair.

Your resistance at doing as he asks suggests that perhaps your job and career mean more to you than your marriage, which may explain why you shagged someone else in the first place. In which case, I'd accept your marriage is over, stay in your job that is so important to you and work at moving on from this mess.

Sorry OP but I think if you have any chance whatsoever of saving your marriage you have to agree to have absolutely no contact with the colleague that you slept with. For most work places that just wouldn’t be possible while you were both in employment.

Before quitting though I’d want to be confident a reconciliation could work, if your DH is as angry as you say he is, it doesn’t sound promising.

Bin the so called friends

He should LTB (you) and let you just get on with shagging your boyfriend which you enjoyed at the time.
If you hadn’t been caught, you would probably have done it again anyway.

Doesn't sound like you're that keen on saving your marriage if you're not even willing to quit your job after shagging a colleague.

The fact is, that even after quitting, you might not save it. You did an absolutely horrible thing, and your husband may decide he can't ever trust you again.

This is very wise and experienced advice OP 💐

This! You can't expect to fix your marriage or your husband to forgive you and still be going to work every day to see the man you cheated on him with